How do you weigh lack of chemistry vs. GREAT girl...

[Scoe141]

I've been dating this girl for approximately 6 months now. She's a great girl, easy going, smart, fun,family oriented, no head games, no drama, always in a good mood etc. I think you get the point.

 

Anyway, the girl has it all. Well I think she has just "about it all". The thing that is lacking, I feel is chemistry. I feel myself not inclined to be intimate with her, and when we are (no sex yet) I don't feel that "wow" , feel those butterflies. When we do "hook up", it's good, not like the chemistry I've had with girls in the past.

 

I guess Im 30, and after dating much of my adult life, Im not sure if those feelings should be still there. (meaning first date, rock in the stomach etc), if that makes sense.

 

We've never had an argument, (sans a couple of disagreements, that were quickly extinguished) and we communicate great. We certainly enjoy all of the same activities. i.e. biking, hiking, swimming, running, movies, being low key and the list goes on.

 

I guess this is a hard situation to be in, or maybe Im making (thinking) about it more then I should be. Should this be something to dwell on, or if everything else is there, just let the other (chemistry) go?

 

Thanks for any advice.

[digger11]

it depends on how important it is to you... i had a guy who was great on paper, but it just wasn't there. I ended it....

[guynextdoor]

For me its difficult to date someone if there's no chemistry. They minus well be a friend, not someone I want to be romantically involve with.

[lila...]

I've always thought that chemistry trumps everything else. To me it's really important, and I don't think it's an age thing, I've heard of peope feeling those butterflies and like a teenager well into their adult years. A person can be great on paper, but what good is that if you don't feel that excitement or thrill when you're with them? Of course, everyone has different priorities and to some it may not be as important, but to me it sounds like you do want to have those feelings with her...so, why settle?

[catfeeder]

The good news is that you're in no danger of jumping the premature love gun. The other good news is that you enjoy your time with her--she's not a chore.

 

If she were pressuring you, unintentionally or not, by turning all lovesick on you, or if you found yourself trying to enjoy yourself against a tide of dismal feelings, then I'd say get out. But these are not your complaints. You're asking questions, which is smart, because this relationship isn't fitting with your dating patterns and ideals of the past--but how did those turn out?

 

I'd ride this for a while and keep an open mind unless you get a sense that you find yourself just not comfortable or happy doing that.

[RedDress]

Personally, I don't think that butterfly feeling is that important. It goes away after a while anyways... I think compatibility is much more important.

 

I'd also ride it out.

[Scoe141]

First, I want to thank everyone for taking the time to provide their insight and advice. For what it's worth, it means a lot.

 

Second, I can certainly find valid points in everyone's opinion. Chemistry is important to me, and the in the relationships I've been in, the ones with the heavy chemistry passion etc, ended after a few months.

 

With my current g/f, she doesnt seem like the type of person I could gaze deep into her eyes and be like WOW, baby I love you! (might be too soon too) On the other hand, I know I could completely trust her without any reservations, and we are never bored together.

 

Shes certainly not a chore, and by all means never puts any pressure on me. I guess Im hoping the chemistry will come, because if not for that, shes about as perfect as I could find in another mate.

[confused2010]

Wow. She sounds like a great girl and I seem to be going against the masses here but my gut instinct is that this sounds more like a really good friendship, but that's just my oppinion. I'd hate for a nice girl to get hurt because you think she's "good enough". Sorry, no offense or anything, just my take on it.

[Scoe141]

confused, I appreciate it. I just don't understand how someone so near perfect could be put into my life, just to be not good enough. I mean, what is wrong with me, in a sense that if she isn't good enough, then who the heck could be??

[Maya_A]

To me, the word "chemistry" is related to physical attraction. And not finding someone physically attractive, but being attracted to them. There is a dif.

 

So as others have said, someone may look the perfect match on paper, but the other physical element may be lacking.

 

All of that said, I agree with those who suggested to ride it out longer... That kind of physical chemistry can increase as emotional intimacy grows. This does take time, and more time with less naturally expressive people, as your gf may be...

[catfeeder]

confused, I appreciate it. I just don't understand how someone so near perfect could be put into my life, just to be not good enough. I mean, what is wrong with me, in a sense that if she isn't good enough, then who the heck could be??

 

If we could fall in love on our own command, what would be particularly special about love?

 

You haven't bonded emotionally with the girl yet. It may happen, or it may not. I think you're wise to find out.

[MalibuOne]

Wow. She sounds like a great girl and I seem to be going against the masses here but my gut instinct is that this sounds more like a really good friendship, but that's just my oppinion. I'd hate for a nice girl to get hurt because you think she's "good enough". Sorry, no offense or anything, just my take on it.

 

Confused, I'm with you. If I were the gf, and someone felt this way about me after six months but "rode it out" only to come to the same conclusion down the road, I'd be pissed that he wasted my time if he just wasn't that into me. Worse, if I WAS into him at six months and my feelings grew deeper while his remained at lukewarm, it would just be that much more painful to me when he inevitably broke up with me.

[catfeeder]

Confused, I'm with you. If I were the gf, and someone felt this way about me after six months but "rode it out" only to come to the same conclusion down the road, I'd be pissed that he wasted my time if he just wasn't that into me. Worse, if I WAS into him at six months and my feelings grew deeper while his remained at lukewarm, it would just be that much more painful to me when he inevitably broke up with me.

 

All relationships are risks, and they're all voluntary. Nobody 'owes' anyone love they can't muster, and not every relationship that breaks needs a villain. Every once in a while two good people fall in love. It's often a surprise rather than an expectation, and it rarely happens according to anyone's calendar.

[Solo Pilot]

Be very careful. I had this exact same problem. I met a girl\woman(whatever) who I thought who had quite a few good qualities that I valued. At that time in my life I had just finished dating a a string of what I like to call losers. My fault for picking them out. Anyway when this girl came along she gave me hope for the female gender again lol. To get to the point I dated this girl for 3 YEARS and never had chemistry. To me chemistry is a word that describes that feeling you get when you connect with a person on many different levels. Almost like sharing a brain I guess. So I basically never loved her and I realized that I was wasting her time. She needed to be with someone who would love her the way she loved me.

 

So just be careful on what your doing. You can't fake your feelings and you don't want to settle......

[Scoe141]

All great points. Unfortunately, no one can make these decisions but me. We've had the "my feelings are growing for you" conversation. It was initiated by her, and we've never said the 'L' word. haha...

 

I'm going to wait it out a bit longer. I'm playing it safe- no sex, no love word- just so it won't make matters worse. Ill save those two until the time is right.

 

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts. It certainly helped tremendously.

 

 

And of course is leaving me contemplative... ](*,)

[MalibuOne]

All relationships are risks, and they're all voluntary. Nobody 'owes' anyone love they can't muster, and not every relationship that breaks needs a villain. Every once in a while two good people fall in love. It's often a surprise rather than an expectation, and it rarely happens according to anyone's calendar.

 

I agree with you. I guess my bottom line is that if they don't feel chemistry in the beginning, I don't think waiting longer is going to make it somehow erupt into life. I'd just rather know sooner than later so my feelings don't grow deeper while his remain at the i really like you stage. I don't think anyone is a villain just because they don't feel the spark.

[Ms Darcy]

confused, I appreciate it. I just don't understand how someone so near perfect could be put into my life, just to be not good enough. I mean, what is wrong with me, in a sense that if she isn't good enough, then who the heck could be??

 

Well, I always wonder about comments like this from guys especially who get burned over and over by "hot" girls. There is some level of balance of course. It may be that she's not right for you or that you are only really attracted to unhealthy things. My bf took a long time to feel passion towards me, but his previous relationships had been crazy and drama-filled.

 

Either way, I say this is around the time to start to ask yourself if it's better to pursue this or let her find someone who actually is crazy about her.

[catfeeder]

Bottom line for me is whether there's a sense of sympatico, or synergy, the way you might hit it off with a best friend. It might not be sexual right away, but I've had fantastic sexual chemistry either build or strike me out of nowhere from that.

 

On the flip side, without that personality spark, it never gets off the ground for me.

[MalibuOne]

Bottom line for me is whether there's a sense of sympatico, or synergy, the way you might hit it off with a best friend. It might not be sexual right away, but I've had fantastic sexual chemistry either build or strike me out of nowhere from that.

 

On the flip side, without that personality spark, it never gets off the ground for me.

 

Your posts always make me think! My ex and I knew each other as friends for about six years before we started dating. I never, ever thought about him sexually until one night he just planted one on me and then boom, I was hooked. I think it's because of that or I'd have never been with him. He told me he'd been interested in pursuing that aspect for a long time before he ever acted on it though. Odd...

[Scoe141]

Well, I always wonder about comments like this from guys especially who get burned over and over by "hot" girls. There is some level of balance of course. It may be that she's not right for you or that you are only really attracted to unhealthy things. My bf took a long time to feel passion towards me, but his previous relationships had been crazy and drama-filled.

 

Either way, I say this is around the time to start to ask yourself if it's better to pursue this or let her find someone who actually is crazy about her.

 

It's funny that you mention that, because my last relationship was crazy, drama filled etc. Maybe I just need to let myself "open up" and itll fall into place. How did your b/f break loose of his past?