Not yet ready for kids

[CowboyJoe]

Well I'm new to this site and the reason i joined was because of a re-occurring argument my girlfriend and I are having. She seems to be ready to have children and I am completely terrified at the idea. I love kids don't get me wrong but right now im enjoying out life as a couple, and she wants that to change. We plan to get married in about a year or so and to me the idea of having children so soon is completely crazy!

 

Her thoughts are that we have spend 5 years as a couple just the two of us and as soon as we marry she wants to start having a family. Am i crazy to want to enjoy a couple of years as a newlywed before having to change diapers at 3 am? I love my girlfriend very much but this is something i feel really strongly about, and I believe the decision to have a child shouldn't be one sided, it shouldn't be a joy to one person and a nightmare to another. Any help?

[savignon]

I believe the decision to have a child shouldn't be one sided, it shouldn't be a joy to one person and a nightmare to another. Any help?

 

I absolutely agree!! Does she want to move forward with her plan despite your feelings or haven't you shared them with her?

[digger11]

yeah.. enjoy being married first. I don't know why she wants to rush.... you'll have kids for 18+ years after they are born. Not only that but having your life on a timeline is always a setup for a letdown.

[annie24]

how old are you two? is there some reason she wants them so soon? and have you told her your reasons for wanting to wait?

[abitbroken]

Hold the phone. You guys aren't even married yet. If you waited, like I assume, to start trying to have kids until you are married, and are getting married in one year, the earliest a child would come would be almost 2 years from now (though maybe a little longer if there is no immediate conception). And if you get married in 2 years, its longer than that. If you want children, but not just this second, I wouldn't tell her "you are not ready" (because of course neither of you are - you aren't even married yet), I would say to encourage her to put first things first. Take one step at a time. because you say you are getting married in a year or two, I assume there is no date set. First, propose if you haven't, then set a date. Then the other stuff follows.

 

There is no set time to have to be newlyweds before kids, but setting it in stone now - either way - just causes needless worry. Who knows. Maybe it will take several years to conceive or maybe it will take awhile to get really settled into where you will live, etc.

 

Anyway, I guess what it boils down to is encouraging her to take it one step at a time.

[Atticus90]

Hows the relationship between you 2? Do you think it's stable enough to raise a child? I think it'd be unfair for you to go through with this with second thoughts. Just wait until you both are ready. It'll be harder for you both if one person is thinking differently than the other.

 

you need to tell her that you want to wait til your ready. tell her that there's no reason why only one of you should be happy.

[digger11]

also... do you have a house? good finances? stable jobs?

[Hurting85]

Beyond what every one else said, I suggest using condoms and not ones she has access to. Not saying your girlfriend will, but I know women who have poked holes in condoms or stopped taking their birth control without telling the man because they wanted kids and then acted like it was an accident. Be careful if you aren't sure you want this right now!

[Fudgie]

Yes, it should be two-sided choice...you BOTH should be okay with it. Don't let her pressure you into it too early or else you will be resentful and unhappy.

 

I echo Hurting85's advice. I know a woman who did this and it was a real MEAN thing to do. Now the guy's stuck with a kid he doesn't even want.

 

Don't let her have access to your condoms and use them at ALL costs. Don't trust her to use a method of her own (pill, etc) because if she gets desperate enough, she may try to sabotage things and make it look like an accident.

This is more common than you think. Lots of misguided women believe that tricking the man into having a baby is a good thing and the guy will "come around" to love it. It's a dangerous thing to do and it's manipulative and mean.

 

So keep your own condoms and stick to your guns.

[KileOriginal]

You should definitely both be on board for kids, but if you don't want kids yet, then why are thinking about marriage.

There's never a good time for kids, either you do it or you don't.