Another 'keeping in contact' story, please read & advise

[Snaffy]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here, first post so please be gentle! Especially with the state I'm in at the moment, feeling kinda fragile!

 

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but would appreciate any advice or just support you can give me.

 

Basically, my ex boyfriend and I split up nearly 2 years ago after he cheated on me. Being the doormat that I am, I chose to stay friends with him, not because I thought we would ever get back together (how could I trust him again, to do that?) but just because I couldn't imagine my life without him in it, even just as a friend. I don't have many friends, and felt I couldn't afford to lose him, so we maintained a friendship of sorts up until this week.

 

And that's why I'm here. A few days ago he emailed me saying he didn't want to stay in contact with me or be friends any more, because he's going out with someone who's important to him, and he doesn't want to upset her by staying in touch with me. It was like 2 horrible things in 1 go, as I didn't even know he was going out with anyone, and he also doesn't want to know me any more. Sadly I'm not a big enough person to be happy for him in his new relationship, especially as I'm completely alone, and very lonely.

 

It's ironic because when we were together, and I became suspicious that he was cheating on me with a female 'friend' of his, he got rid of me saying I was paranoid and possessive, but this time, when his new girlfriend is acting like that, he gets rid of me as the friend, so it seems no matter which way around it is, I'm still the one who gets pushed aside. That hurts me so much. I can't even see why he'd mention me to his new girlfriend, why would he? If I mean as little to him as I obviously do, then I wouldn't think I was worth mentioning.

 

I haven't replied to his email, and I'm thinking I probably shouldn't. I'm hoping it would make him feel worse about it if he doesn't know how I've taken it, because if he knew I was angry, then he'd probably think he was glad not to be in contact any more, and if he knew I was upset, he'd just think I was pathetic (which of course I am, but I don't need to demonstrate that to him yet again). I'm hoping that the hurt he's caused me through this latest incident will play on his mind even just a little bit, and perhaps grow into some resentment of his girlfriend for making him cut off contact with me. I've thought of trying to take some kind of revenge, but I'd be too scared of being found out, and in the end it would probably come back on me anyway.

 

But I do feel very helpless. It had taken me all this time to try to get over the hurt he caused me the first time round when he cheated on me and ended the relationship, and now all those old wounds have been opened up again, and I have to somehow not only heal them again, but heal the new ones he's just caused, and all this without even having him as a friend, which is all I wanted, not that he'd been much of a friend to me in the intervening time.

 

I've struggled for a long time with loneliness, both in not having a relationship, and not having friends, and it's when stuff like this happens, that the lack of them really hits home. I'm extremely shy and find it difficult to form and maintain relationships of any kind (in case you're wondering why I'm so alone).

 

I don't really know what I'm asking of anyone here, maybe just any advice as to how to put this behind me, for good this time. But please don't say I need to get out and meet someone new, as I've tried that, and been hurt again in the 2 years since this relationship ended, so I don't have much faith in that working now.

 

Sorry for such a long message, hope it hasn't bored anyone who's been good enough to read to the end! Thanks in advance for any replies.

 

Snaffy

[QTpie87]

i think you need to separate yourself form him completely!

 

i was so hurt after my ex broke up with me also... he also cheated on me and now he is getting married to the girl he cheated on me with. yeah right like that'll work out ,he cheated once what makes her think he wont cheat on her?...

well i wanted to stay friends for so long, even last week a little, but i just had to let go, cause someone who doesn't want to be friends with you isn't worth crying over in the first place.

im sure everyone here would be more than willing to support you and talk to you through all of this though, i am.

you can pm me anytime ok.

love Qtpie87

[Snaffy]

Many thanks QTpie87, have pm'd you.

 

 

[sinnerboy]

hi,

i do not want to say anything bad about your ex, because i do not know him. looks to me like he is not worth your friendship, remember you are not alone look at all thoes people here. we are here to help each other out. i'm new to thisthing , but i think it is great. there are alot of people that would be greatful to have a friend like you, i'm one of them.

 

 

ps

 

if you want to talk just shoot

[Alec]

I know the sense of frustration you are going through. Yes, separate yourself from him. He doesn't seem like he cares enough about you to cherish you as a friend.

[kate111]

Dear Snaffy,

 

I feel for you. You must feel really ripped off. What a complete poohbrain.

 

Basically your exboyfriend has taken you for granted. He doesn't appreciate you for who you are. He doesn't appreciate your kindness and strength (you were kind to forgive him and strong to keep being his friend when he rejected you).

 

You will meet someone else who will suit you better.

 

If I was you I wouldn't even grace his comment with a reply. Why bother? Why give him the satisfaction? Let the poobrain stew!

 

Actually I just thought about that again. I would reply and tell him he was a real cunt (the swearword beginning with the letter c and ending with unt) and then say that you never want to speak to him again.

 

Try to forget about him.

 

I am also shy. I know how hard it can be meeting people. But shyness can be overcome to some extent. Just make sure you try your best to be welcoming of new people. It gets easier the more you interact with people.

 

If you are really worried about it then go and see a psychologist because they can teach behaviour techniques to help.

 

Make sure you make the effort to get out and about and do stuff to alleviate your loneliness. Ideas: Join : an artclass or a car club or start learning a new language. Go to a gym, do a drama class or a cooking class.

 

These things will help you meet new people and give you something to talk about .

 

Goodluck.

[Mun]

You really shouldn't answer his email. You've been holding on to shreds of a relationship that meant so little to him.

 

Take the high road and let him be a jerk all by himself. Don't perpetuate this. Attitude is everything and how you treat yourself and expect others to treat you says alot about who you are. Leave him alone. Don't bother with him anymore. He never saw your special qualities. You will find someone that cares for you the way it should be.

 

How could you be friends with someone who is dishonest? You will heal and you will move forward. I'm sure of it.

 

Love who you are. Never allow someone to walk all over you. They mistreat you: you walk away.

 

Be strong

[kissonthelips]

I think you should send an email syaing: "sure, no problem at all. I wish you the best. I'm kind of surprized though because the guy I have been dating knows that he can feel totally secure about you and me hanging since there's no threat whatsoever. I'll miss the good times but take care (and don't let yourself get chewed up by those possessive types!)

 

Socki it to him and leave with your chin up, man!!!

[Snaffy]

Hi everyone,

 

Just a quick message to thank everyone who's replied, I've got to get to bed now but I'll reply to you all tomorrow. Didn't want you to think I hadn't bothered reading your messages!

 

Thanks again and talk to you soon.

 

Snaffy

[Snaffy]

Hi all,

 

Today has been a slightly better day than yesterday for me, I'm hoping that trend continues, but I'm not sure if it will. I keep randomly crying over all this, it's so silly. It's felt the same as it did when he originally ended our relationship, and that took me about 2 years to get over, so can I expect the same again now? I really hope it won't take that long to get past his latest breaking of my heart. I also hope this is the last time he can do it, though I suppose if I find out that he's getting married/moving in with girlfriend/having a baby, etc etc, that will crush me all over again.

 

I'm not sure which is worse, him not wanting contact any more, or the thought of him with someone else. Obviously I knew he wouldn't be on his own forever after our breakup, and I guess by staying in touch I totally left myself open to the day I'd find out he had someone new. I knew it would be agony, and it is. But maybe it would feel worse to have to stay in contact with him in the knowledge of it. Or maybe it wouldn't feel so final, if we were able to stay friends despite it. Either way, he hasn't given me that choice or chance to know.

 

In reply to your messages (for which I'm very grateful to all who have posted):

 

Sinnerboy - Thank you, it's good to know there are nice people out there willing to help each other, I really like this site already too. I never felt he treated me properly as a friend since we broke up, it was all one-sided with me always having to contact him first, and then wait ages for a response, etc. But despite the 'quality' of that so-called friendship, it did at least feel like something had been salvaged from the mess of our broken relationship, and I had felt that brought me some comfort, so it's been hard to lose him all over again.

 

Alec - You're right, it certainly never felt like he cared about me, after all, how could someone who cheated on me, suddenly start caring about me after the relationship itself ended? I was a fool to think staying friends would work.

 

Kate111 - Thanks for your kind words. I wish I could believe that I will meet someone better for me, or anyone at all for that matter, but I honestly don't. He was the first guy I've ever properly loved and who, for a time at least, I thought actually loved me back. That's never happened to me before. Because I thought we were going to be with each other forever, it was the most hurtful thing anyone had ever done to me (and that's saying something as I've come accross plenty of people who have hurt me!). *lol at your suggestion of what I should call him!* It's certainly true. But I couldn't do that, it would only give him the higher moral ground. I sooo wish I could forget about him, maybe time will help, but I sometimes pray for a bout of amnesia regarding this whole relationship! My shyness is so bad that I have no friends at all, apart from people I talk to online, it's so much easier here. I do try very hard, given the opportunity, to be friendly and nice to people I meet, in the hope that they might want to be friends with me, but it ends up coming accross as just trying too hard, which I guess just makes me seem weird. Any friends I had in the past haven't stayed in contact with me, for whatever reasons, and unlike with my ex, I've tried to keep some dignity and not chase after people for friendship they don't want to give. Maybe I should have lumped him in with the rest of them, and I could have dealt with the no contact thing when the relationship ended! I am actually seeing a psychologist at the moment (for another problem, yes, another one, hehe!) but I have been to one in the past to try to deal with my lack of confidence, unfortunately to no avail. Because I have such low self-esteem, I find it impossible to go places in order to meet new people, as friends or relationships, but I know that's a vicious circle. But I simply don't have the courage to go places on my own and start talking to people, I've been hurt too many times before. So I feel very shut down emotionally, and feel like I can't take the control I need over the way my life's going, because I don't have the experience or guts to try things and see how they go. It's like I just can't take any more painful experiences in the hope of finding something, anything, someone, who might make things ok.

 

Muneca - I know that I've been pathetic for allowing him to treat me the way he has. I've been a doormat to him for so long, I guess it's kinda a habit. I was just so desperate not to lose him from my life completely, that I was prepared to be treated like he did. It's lucky I've never gone out with a guy prone to physical violence, 'cause I feel like I'd be exactly the type who would just let it happen. I don't think enough of myself to believe I shouldn't have to take crap from a guy, and although he wasn't violent, the emotional pain he inflicted on me was never enough to make me say 'enough'. I really hope I can heal from this, and in some way, become stronger for it, I certainly need to be, but I do feel very beaten down.

 

Kissonthelips - *lol* I'm extremely tempted to take your advice and reply to him in that way. Unfortunately, I told him about the break-up of a short relationship I had early this year, which ended in Feb, and how down I was about it (not that he gave me much sympathy - I think 'sorry to hear that' was the sum of it). So it would probably sound like a lie if I was now to say that I was with someone else now, who wasn't bothered about my contact with him. It just wouldn't ring true I'm afraid. But how I'd love to be able to respond like that, especially if it was the truth! Heh, if only. I also like your suggestion for pointing out to him that his new girlfriend sounds possessive, and mention the irony of that, in comparison to what he said about me when he got rid of me originally.

 

So, I'm still trying to deal with it, a day at a time, thinking that at least the ball's still in my court until I respond, if I ever do.. If I wasn't to actually reply to his email, there is a website forum that we both go on, so I guess I could try to use that in some way to get messages through to him, whether they be cryptic but nasty (!) or simply to get accross any good news I may have (if I ever have any, and what a big if that is) in the hope that success is the best revenge, I don't know, any thoughts on that? And does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the thoughts of him with his new girlfriend and all the jealousy that brings up?

 

Again, thanks for any replies, and feel free to pm me anyone who wants to, I'll always reply

 

Snaffy.

[Mun]

When someone knows ( or feels) that you are afraid to lose them it's as if you had just said "go ahead step all over me" Having said this I would suggest you resist contacting him in any way. He has shown no regard for your feelings, why would you even bother ( at this time) to keep looking for a way to talk to him? NC..NC ...NC!

 

You deserve to be treated with respect ... start by treating YOURSELF this way.

[kate111]

Dear Snaffy,

 

I just read your reply and you sound like such a sweet girl. Far too sweet for this world.

 

You are just an unusual person. And that is nothing to feel bad about.

 

There are lots of shy people in the world, you just don't meet them because they are at home on the computer!

 

You WILL find someone else. Trust me.

 

Why don't you go onto a dating chatline? That could really take your mind off this man.

 

When you meet someone who treats you with respect you will forget about this starts with C and ends with t!

 

I think you should write something to your ex. Cos otherwise he will just think you are too scared. You dont have to call him a starts with c and ends with t (pardon my language but in this case the guy deserves it).

 

Just say something like "Your email really showed me the kind of person you are. You should be ashamed of yourself. I don't want to talk to you either".

 

Does anyone else have any ideas on what to write which will keepo Snaffy's moral high ground intact?

[davo1066]

I think you should try to accept it and not take it personally. I know with my (now ex) gf, when we were together her first boyfriend kept calling her, nearly every day to 'chat' and it drove me nuts even though there was nothing between them any more from her side - he was clearly still keen.

 

It is understandable the new gf might want you out of the picture, selfish though it is she doesnt know you so doesnt owe you anything. And as for your ex, to look at it in a positive lighht he is just respecting her feelings, which is normal as she is his gf now.

 

Also, from the sounds of it even though you dont want to be back with him you still have strong feelings for him after 2 years. I would think that if you had not been in contact these last 2 years those feelings would be less and you would be in less pain now. So maybe now is the time to break contact, not as some kind of revenge or getting back together strategy, just to start healing. You should look on this news from him as a blessing maybe, a catalyst that got you on the road to getting over him.

 

You sound like a really nice person, I wish more people were like you, there might be less unhappy people in this forum

[Snaffy]

Hello again everyone,

 

Many thanks again for your replies, I'll respond to them in order again.

 

Muneca - I totally agree with you that he's felt he could just walk all over me, that's definitely the impression I've given him. I stupidly thought he might think good things about me for having the grace to stay pleasant and friendly with him after he hurt me so much. I never once showed anger towards him, only hurt, and I thought that might gain me a bit of respect. Foolish again. On the other hand, by not replying to him (which I still haven't), am I doing exactly the same thing again? Letting him think what he's done is ok? Letting him think he hasn't really hurt me, I'm just respecting his wishes and thereforeeee he has nothing to feel bad about? I just don't know.

 

Kate111 - Thanks for saying I sound sweet, if only he had agreed! Heh. I have actually tried an online dating site, that's how I had the brief relationship a few months ago, but that's pretty much put me off that kinda thing! Though when I'm feeling particularly lonely I do still think about trying it again. Who knows.. I certainly think you're right that finding someone else would take my mind off him. It did earlier this year, but of course that's now over as well. I'm still going over and over in my head, whether or not I should reply to him. I don't think he'd think I was scared as such (in not replying), he must either think I'm too hurt or angry to reply. Either way I hope that gets to him. He likes to think of himself as a 'nice guy' (what a joke). But by not replying, it really is annoying me that I'm giving his girlfriend exactly what she wants, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...... If anyone has any ideas as to how I could do something about that, I'd appreciate them!

 

Davo1066 - It's hard not to take something like this personally. If he had any compassion or respect for me whatsoever, I don't know if he'd have done this. And to think that he's just respecting his girlfriend's wishes, doesn't offer me much peace of mind, considering he failed to do exactly the same for me when we were together (that really gets to me, how similar the situations are, but when reversed, I still get the worst of it). If it would drive his girlfriend nuts, then I'd be very tempted to contact him in whatever way as much as possible, but I reckon that could back-fire on me, and simply push them closer to each other, and make him hate me. You're right that if I'd ended contact when the relationship itself ended, I would probably be over the pain of it all, or at least be getting to that stage, but instead I'm back at almost square one.

 

Best wishes to everyone,

 

Snaffy.

[kate111]

Dear Snaffy,

 

Saying nothing definitely could be a strong statement in your case. That way he is left wondering. He won't know what you thought about his email.

 

I don't agree that it was the right thing to do to stop contacting you when he met another girlfriend. I think being friends with exes is something that girlfriends just have to put up with. You just have to trust your boyfriend.

 

Just because you had a bad experience with one person on a chatline doesn't mean that this will happen again. You have to get back in the saddle and try again. Even if something unpleasant does happen, even a bad experience will take your mind off the ex. A bad experience is better than no experience.

 

Try to think of this experience with the ex as a good experience. You can close this chapter of your life and you don't have to see your ex again. You can start afresh and meet some new people and armed with what you learnt from this relationship, you can apply this knowledge to creating a new better relationship with a new person.

 

Let me know how it goes.

 

Kate

[Mun]

Snaffy, I think that when you don't respond to his nastiness it reflects your maturity. Sometimes silence is louder than any words uttered in anger. Show him with your actions that this behavior is not acceptable.

 

Be strong

[AntimonyER]

As much as I hate to admit it, I have done exactly what your boyfriend is doing right now. My ex-girlfriend was extremely jealous from the beginning, and I stopped talking to a very good friend of mine, because my girlfriend was very sensitive, and if I was so much as within 5 feet of this other girl, I would get it. Her jealousy wasn't completely unfounded, as myself and this other girl had tried to start a relationship in the past, but it hadn't worked out. (Sound familiar?)

 

Anyways, I regret doing what I did every day since, especially since she cheated on me and broke up with me, twice (I am very forgiving). Thankfully my other friend was also as forgiving and we became friends again. You should be angry at him for what he said, since he is one who is wrong. You two broke up and you still feel that way about him, he is going to regret it. Hopefully he will learn his lesson and have as forgiving a friend as I had. But if you never hear from him again, think of it as his loss, not yours.

[Scout]

I actually understand why he is doing this. I have a feeling your "friendship" over the last two years might not have been a platonic one at all times...at any rate, it's obvious you still have romantic feelings for him, he sees that, and probably feels it's not appropriate to continue seeing you now that he has a serious girlfriend he's made a commitment to. This is actually rather mature on his part, and it looks like he's making an effort to be faithful in this relationship.

 

Some harsh words about to be spoken here, but I feel it must be said: you should have broken the ties with this guy a loooong time ago. Why on earth would you remain "friends" with a man who cheated on you? This is a relationship you should have walked away from as soon as it ended. You mentioned you don't have many friends, so depend on him a lot for your social outlet. Go out there and make some more friends. It's really not that hard. And let go of this guy once and for all.

[Snaffy]

Hi all,

 

Sorry I haven't responded again until now, but many thanks for your replies, particularly Kate111 and Muneca, for your continued interest and support, I really appreciate your help.

 

The past few days have been a bit brighter for me, more ups than downs, which is a reversal from how things had been since he broke off contact. By today, this is the longest I've gone without hearing from him or contacting him (I still haven't!) in the whole 4 years we've known each other (a sixth of my whole life!)

 

In reply to your comments:

 

Kate111 - I do like the idea of him being left wondering how I've taken what he's done. Do you think it'll be on his mind at all? Or is he likely to think nothing more of it when he doesn't hear from me? I'm not sure if I could deal with another bad experience at the moment, so I might have to leave it a while before trying another online thing. I hope I've learned something from all this, though I'm worried it's only made it even harder for me to trust anyone again in the future. I do have an urge to change some stuff in my life, and see this as a new beginning, and try to forget what's ended...

 

Muneca - I doubt whether he's sensitive enough to see my silence as showing his behaviour has been wrong, he probably thinks it's ok, especially if he's been pestered enough by his girlfriend

 

AntimonyER - Your situation does sound similar, although in my case, his girlfriend had nothing to fear, there really was nothing going on between us any more. But she got her way anyway. I've no idea what their relationship is like, or how long it's lasted. I hope that he will come to regret what he's done, and maybe even have the guts to tell me so. Whether I could forgive him or not I don't know, I feel like I'm all out of forgiveness for him at the moment, considering I had to 'forgive' him cheating on me in the first place in order to remain friends. It would be nice to have the opportunity to reject him for a change though!

 

Scout - You're wrong about it not being platonic since our break up, it totally was, and as I've said previously, I knew we'd never get back together, but I wanted to salvage something from all the mess. Whether his actions can be seen as 'mature' as you say, really depends whose side you see it from, but from where I am, it's just hurtful. Maybe his girlfriend should be mature enough to accept that he can still have female friends without it threatening their relationship. I know now (and probably knew a long time ago) that maybe no contact would have been better from the beginning (of the end of the relationship). But also like I've said before, I don't have enough friends to go losing them, and we had been best friends as well as boyfriend/girlfriend for over 2 years. It was just too much for me to lose everything he was to me, I knew I'd lost the boyfriend bit, and even the 'best' friend bit, but something was better than nothing. Shows how pathetic I am, I know, I'm the first to admit that. And for some of us, it IS very hard to make friends, you're very lucky to be able to think differently about that.

 

Best wishes to everyone,

 

Snaffy