One year later

[chewy21]

By the time I post this, it will have been almost exactly a year since my first post here; within minutes, actually.

 

About this time a year ago, I was in shock, completely numb, my face tingling from the rush of blood that comes with hours of hard, nonstop sobbing. One of the legs I stood on was suddenly and inexplicably yanked from beneath me. My fiancee and I were together for nearly three years. We loved one another passionately, even though there have been times over the past year that I've wished to say otherwise about her end of it. I know she did. I know I did.

 

It was a strange breakup. It started because of a small fight, which turned into a larger fight, which then escalated to the point where she had to go out for a drive to get away from it for a while. When she came back, she was different. I knew when she calmly agreed to talk about it that this was going to be the last heart-to-heart conversation we had as lovers, even if I didn't know why.

 

She was depressed. She had suffered from it since high school, and no doctor had been able to help her. This was the excuse she gave when she left. She could no longer be a partner because she was not stable on her own. It made sense, for a while. But then I started wondering why we had to end. Did she not think I was capable of waiting for her? I offered, to no avail. And about a month after that, I discovered the real reason she left. As so often is the case, she left me for another.

 

A Canadian. We both had lived in Texas all our lives. Neither of us had ever been to Canada. But this gentleman she found on YouTube had somehow convinced her that what she could have with him was better than what she had with me. And don't get me wrong, if she was capable of being convinced, then I'm glad she was. I don't want to be with someone who could be so easily taken from me. And he did it from thousands of miles away, using images on her computer screen, and his digitized voice on a webchat microphone. Kudos to him for that.

 

Of course, for the first several months afterward, I felt like garbage. Looking at the situation that way, I couldn't help but think "what good am I? I can't even keep a girl who loves me from running away with a stranger who she's never even met. A stranger has more to offer than me." Yes, I dug a nice little trench of self-pity, which I wallowed in for months on end, crying about random things during the day, and sniffling into my pillow while watching High Fidelity at night. I wanted nothing more than to go back to the way things were.

 

But gradually, it all stopped. It wasn't long before she wasn't the first thing on my mind every morning anymore. I would go nearly a whole day without thinking about her, and when I would, it would be something like "Huh. I guess I'm getting over it after all." Don't get me wrong, there were relapses, and they were incredibly painful (particularly a response I got to a message that consisted of three words: "Do not contact." Ouch). But as time went on, I started thinking more about the freedom I had again. I was single! I could date anyone I wanted! And something positive actually came from my relationship: I had gained a better understanding of what I want and don't want from a relationship.

 

Some more advantages of my life without her are as follows:

 

- Toilet paper lasts nearly three times as long!

- My money is mine and mine alone!

- I don't have to give my friends lame excuses when the "wifey" doesn't want to go anywhere!

- I don't have to share the remote!

 

I know they sound funny, and the humor definitely helped as I gradually realized these things, but I'm also a little serious about each one, too.

 

And sure, there are cons. For example, I haven't had sex in a year now. And occasionally I see something that would have appealed to her sense of humor, and I still get the urge to share it with her. But it only lasts an instant, and those kinds of thoughts don't stir up the same hornet's nest of emotions that they would have several months ago.

 

I guess the reason I'm writing this insanely long block of text is so maybe someone will get a little hope out of it. I remember when my breakup was still a fresh wound, and I would have given anything to stop the pain... so hopefully this doesn't come off as callous and frivilous, because I know too well how much it hurts, and I sincerely hope that reading about someone else's experience makes you feel better about yours. Or at least allows you to stop agonizing over your own, if only temporarily.

 

I still check the site, almost weekly. Feel free to send me a message if you want. I can just listen, or I can give you feedback if you want as well. Who knows what I would have done without those here who did the same for me?

 

I guess a good way to close would be to summarize my feelings on the past year:

 

It gets better, and through the pain, you find yourself again. Try not to focus on what you've lost, but what you've gained in freedom, and what you've avoided in ending something that would have been worse had it dragged on any longer. Chin up, and lean on others for support- even if those others are strangers on the internet whose only common trait is the pain of a broken heart.

 

Good luck, everyone.

[mustard1234]

Thanks so much for sharing.

[rtyre2]

amazing read, I'm still on a fresh wound and only 4 days into NC, and this message right here gives me high hopes thanks brother

[sphx26]

Yay! That is an inspiring story... thanks for sharing.

[doiiiieeezie]

I remember your story way back (It has been a year almost here). Good to see you around and the best of luck in whatever you do.

[brwneyedgrl333]

Chewy,

 

Thank you for this great post! It's certainly what I needed to read this morning and gives me hope. Thanks so much for sharing!!

[prada]

Hey congrats to you on your recovery! I wish i could be where you are. I am at a yr of my break up! 10 months of NC but i cant seem to grasp getting over my ex. I guess i consider it a great loss. I have to start thinking, its not a loss but a gain of less pain and freedom to do whatever i want without feeling guilty! thanks for your post

[Carus]

Yes thanks Chewy*

 

I'm 13 months out and the pain has subsided along with all the games and thoughts of trying to get her back....

 

So yes, posts like yours are good food to keep me going*

 

Regards

K2*

[chewy21]

To all the thank you's: You're most welcome. I'm glad this resonated with so many of you.

 

rtyre2: Keep those hopes high for as long as you can! The "ups" feel really good, but the "downs" are crushing. As long as you know they won't last, you'll find yourself one day in a permanent "up". Here's hoping that day is soon.

 

prada: Though our time-spans may be similar, it's likely that our experiences have not been. Everyone goes through these things in their own way, with some common elements. If it feels like a loss right now, then allow yourself to feel that loss and move on from there. One of the best things I did for myself throughout all this was letting myself cry. In fact, I encouraged myself to cry, because I knew that if I got it out, then I wouldn't walk around trying not to cry for a while. And I always felt better afterward. Good luck!

 

Kalgan: It was a few months ago that I really thought about what I would do if I got her back. I knew things couldn't just be normal again, because she had betrayed me. This whole train of thought ended my desire for her in my life. Yes, there was (and maybe still is, a bit) a gaping hole that she left in my life, but I no longer wished for her to fill it. It was an empowering feeling to finally be able to say, honestly, that I didn't want HER, instead of her not wanting me.

 

Thanks everyone for your responses. I hope we all become happier, stronger people from our experiences.

[rtyre2]

rtyre2: Keep those hopes high for as long as you can! The "ups" feel really good, but the "downs" are crushing. As long as you know they won't last, you'll find yourself one day in a permanent "up". Here's hoping that day is soon.

 

Will do, and I'm on that up and down roller coaster right now, but I believe every word you just said, and I know someday the gap she left in my life will be filled by an even more incredible woman; one who won't think twice about running out when times get tough.

[SadAndy]

how did you deal with the angry phase?

 

My ex cheated on me long term before discarding me for a younger bloke.

 

I'm 3 mths in and whilst I know she will never come back and that I couldn't take her back if she did, I am consumed with rage at how she has behaved and how its all panned out perfectly for her.

Our daughter is devastated, my ex never once came to me to explain that things weren't good for her, she just started another long term (18 mth) affair with the original guy whilst she looked for a new bloke (the one shes with now).

 

Now, her life is perfect and she is so happy whilst my daughters life and mine have gone down the crapper.

 

I am still extremely sad that it has ended but I am much more angry with her perfect life than anything.

 

Some advice would be good if you have any.

[chewy21]

Hey Andy,

 

The anger phase for me was the most difficult. It's a big wad of resentment that stems from the fact that she is getting on so well without you. For me, it was also blame that I placed on her for making me lose hope that we'd ever get back together. Her communications with me were short, devoid of any emotion, and more often than not, quite rude. I simultaneously longed for the person I had loved and loathed this new "machine" that had taken her place.

 

What did it for me was the realization that she must have deep seeded trust issues that led to her behavior. If she wasn't happy, then why didn't she say so? Well, the fact is that normal, healthy people will say so. If she's not healthy, then you can take some comfort in the fact that this was inevitable, and a bit more in knowing that whoever she's with will discover that truth eventually as well. She won't be good for anyone else until she works on herself, and in the meantime, you're much better off.

 

Your situation differs from mine in that you two have a daughter together. Usually that means that contact and updates from her are mandatory. I'm thankful that our engagement ended before we had children, or even got married, because it would have been strung out for so much longer. The only advice I can give you (since you pretty much have to communicate with her) is to take some quiet comfort in realizing that this wasn't your fault, it was a fault of hers that led to your breakup. Use what you know to give you strength and confidence when you interact with her, like a secret you know about that she doesn't. Because no matter how happy she is now, it won't last until she decides to fix her problems, and until then, they aren't your problems anymore.

 

I know it sounds harsh and a little juvenile, but nothing says your opinion of her needs to be perfect. Quite the contrary, she cheated on you without saying anything about not being happy. That, to me, is more childish than anything you could do or say.

[The Icon]

chewy21.

 

Thanks for posting this, its made me feel some what better.

 

the last few days the ex has been playing on my mind. the 17th of this month marks the 1 year break up.

 

i am so so much better now obviously then what i was after the break up. but there's still things that have just stuck.

 

i don't purposely think of her, but something. for some reason. she will pop into my head every single day, or i will relive a memory. and it really is every single day. last year id check her facebook for glimmer of hope that she missed me.. she didnt of course. now. i think ive saw her profile 3 times this year. 1 of them times it wasnt my fault ha.

 

i know shes doing well, and inside am happy for her.. i just get annoyed now cause she is still in my head. my heart and stomach still get knots when i see her name or someone talks about her (we live very close to each other a 1min walk from each others house & and she is still friends with a few of mine )

 

i just ask myself, when is this actually going to stop? i keep myself occupied the best i can, i hang around with my mates most chances i get. i try and live the best life i can. but she is still there. funnily enough i dreamed of her last night. again living a old memory out of us.

 

i know my next step whenever it comes ( a new relationship) will be so so hard as i am scared of one now. i got hurt like that and i never want to be again. but maybe at the same time a new relationship is something that might finally break this little chain.

 

i just dont know, and as ive said a number of times now. i dont want to think of her everyday as it hurts.

[Etoile]

Hi Chewy

 

Just wanted to add my thank you to everyone elses for your post. It's really comforting to know that time does heal. I'm in a similar situation now (as are so many on ENA) to where you were a year ago. 2 months ago my boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me, denying there was anyone else. However, I'm a smart girl and things just didn't add up. Finally he admitted it. We'd moved into a LDR when he got a new job. He met this girl at his work and started seeing her about a month before we broke up (although he was flirting, chatting her up and talking about going out with her for much longer).

 

Even though it's still pretty raw for me I've noticed that by small degrees it is getting a bit better. I still cry most days randomly at work, on the bus, at home. There are still a few people at work who don't know (me and my ex used to work together) and when they ask after him I have to tell them and I nearly always cry. It's embarassing.

 

Crazily enough for many weeks after the break up I felt responsible and like a failure even though I never saw it coming. I felt terribly guilty. I looked back and thought I wish I hadn't done this or said that. I analysed everything. I didn't know my ex was unhappy in the relationship (we didn't even argue a lot). It took my counsellor, my friends, parents and colleagues to drum it into me that it wasn't my fault - he never said anything! I'm not a mind reader.

 

Like you said in your post about your ex the same is true for mine. Because he didn't say anything it was almost inevitable that it would happen.

 

Anyway, after my very long winded post, I just want to say that your post is inspiring and really gives me hope for the future. I will heal and I will have a bright future even if it isn't obvious now. You sound like a great guy and I wish you every happiness in your future (including future relationships)

[Little lady]

Thank you for this!

[chewy21]

The Icon: I feel your pain, man. I'm thankful that those days are over for me (for the most part). Yeah, I still think about her now and then, but mentioning her name in a conversation doesn't bother me the way it used to. I can be talking to a friend about a movie or a tv program and say "Yeah, Jess used to love that show, so I'm familiar with it", and though there's a twinge that comes with it, it's only because I remember the person she was when we were together, and the life we had, and I do miss parts of it. I can't say for sure that it's necessarily her I miss so much as I miss having a partner to share the days and my thoughts with.

 

But please don't feel like you're approaching a deadline for happiness. One year doesn't really mean anything, especially since everyone deals with these things in their own way and at their own rate. You're already looking to the future, and since you mentioned future relationships, allow me to offer a piece of advice: don't project those negative feelings you have about your ex onto the next person you date. I say this from experience, because I've been on the recieving end of so much "baggage" that I promised myself I would never do that to anyone. Why should they catch the heat for something someone else did? Why should you trust them any less or give them any less of a chance, just because the last person you were with totally mangled your heart? I try and give anyone I date a completely clean slate. I'll trust them until they give me a reason not to, and I'll act around them as I would had I not been betrayed in the past. It's what I would expect coming into a relationship, because I'm not the last guy she dated.

 

Okay, sorry for that soapbox rant... I guess it was your line about being scared of a new relationship and not wanting to be hurt again that sparked that... though you were clearly hopeful in looking forward, so it was unwarranted. My apologies.

 

But I do wish you the best, Icon. The thoughts will become less frequent, and you may be right: a new romance may be just the thing to push her from your mind for good.

 

 

Etoile: No need to apologize for being long-winded. I prefer it that way, as you can see.

 

Thanks for sharing your story with us. Long distance relationships are tough. Having been in just one myself, I don't see how people do it. I certainly couldn't make it work. And I don't think you should feel bad because he was led astray by someone who was closer (distance wise). Like everyone has told you, that was in no way your fault. There wasn't anything you could have done to prevent it, even if you had known. But the fact that he didn't say anything until well after something was going on should be a source of comfort now, because that proves he's not upfront and honest, he's not faithful, and clearly he doesn't deserve to be with a wonderful, thoughtful girl like you. You dodged a bullet, and now you've got a whole new set of directions to take your life. I hope you embrace that, and I hope that things get better for you very soon. As I said in the OP, feel free to send me a message if you need someone to talk to, and I'll be happy to respond.

 

Best wishes to all of you.

[DestinyFound]

Thanks for sharing. I just made it past the 6 month mark. It's good to have hope that I might be where you are in another 6. I still have a ways to go, but I'm definitely better than I was 3 months ago!

[DestinyFound]

 

 

 

Crazily enough for many weeks after the break up I felt responsible and like a failure even though I never saw it coming. I felt terribly guilty. I looked back and thought I wish I hadn't done this or said that. I analysed everything. I didn't know my ex was unhappy in the relationship (we didn't even argue a lot). It took my counsellor, my friends, parents and colleagues to drum it into me that it wasn't my fault - he never said anything! I'm not a mind reader.

 

 

I went through something similiar, and I also didn't fight very often with my ex. How are we supposed to work on the relationship or try to fix what might be wrong, if we aren't told that something's wrong? Silly exes. Communication is key! I'm finally beginning to realize that it wasn't my fault. I made mistakes, but so does everyone in relationships. He never told me that such-and-such bothered him.

[Etoile]

I went through something similiar, and I also didn't fight very often with my ex. How are we supposed to work on the relationship or try to fix what might be wrong, if we aren't told that something's wrong? Silly exes. Communication is key! I'm finally beginning to realize that it wasn't my fault. I made mistakes, but so does everyone in relationships. He never told me that such-and-such bothered him.

 

I'm sorry to hear you had an experience similar to mine. You're completely right though communication is key! A friend of mine told me a good analagy - comparing clapping to a successful relationship. Basically you need two hands to clap. Simple as that.

 

I read your other post and I see you have a date lined up. Hope it goes well for you, keep posting

[Etoile]

You dodged a bullet, and now you've got a whole new set of directions to take your life.

 

Thanks Chewy for your support. It means a lot to hear that from someone who has gone through a similar situation. It's funny, so many people including people who know/knew both of us have said the same as you have, that actually I've had a lucky escape. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes I don't. But it's still early days and it's a battle between my heart and my head and my head will win eventually (I just wish that it would hurry up!).

[Wicker_Parked]

great article, i think this is the most fullfillling thing i have read on hear so far, i have been experiencing some of these levels of evolution, but exactly 1 month into no contact my ex seems to find a way to contact me and derail my progression, by acting sad, depressed in need of attention, and when she does get my response it usually ends with her telling me about a new guy she is with.

 

the pain the pain, 1 year after the breakup and now i think im on my 7th spell of no contact, each lasting about a month.

 

I even know the whole cycle, i even told my ex she is so predictable.

 

so here we go, day 7 of no contact.

[chewy21]

Wicker Parked: Unless you two have shared responsibilities that require continued contact (a child, a house, shared debt, etc.), then I would urge you to close all lines of contact, save for the most meager (like snail mail, or her having your address so that if something really needs your attention, she can get to you).

 

Unfortunately, it sounds as if she's simply trying to make herself feel better by preventing you from healing. It sounds sadistic, and it sort of is, but as long as you're agonizing over her, then she feels important. She feels better knowing that she is such a catch that you can't seem to get over her. However, this could simultaneously mean that her happiness is dependent on your sadness, which would mean she is just as guilty of living in the past. If she can't be happy without knowing you're thinking about her, then she's not really happy to begin with, and is certainly not dealing with the loss of the relationship as she should.

 

But that would be my best advice. If she knows she can contact you whenever, then she will. But if you cut it down to her just knowing your address, then this limits her options considerably. She either would have to go through the effort of writing and mailing you a letter, or show up at your door to have a face-to-face. Both of these would mean that she either really needs to get in touch with you for a valid reason, or that she is simply that desperate to contact you. If it's the latter, then you would do well to point that out to her. I guarantee you that if you do this, your next attempt at NC will be your last.

 

Best wishes, Wicker.

[PennyLane09]

thanks, chewy! i'm 7 months past and i'm starting to feel similar to what you're feeling....i still think about him every day, i wish he would have had his sh*t together...but all we can do is move on.

 

you're post is the motivation i needed today...THANKS!

[SpeedingCars]

good post!

 

lol @ the toilet paper...

my boyfriend is always surprised by how fast the toilet paper runs out when i stay at his place for a week!

 

good job on your recovery process fortunately i got over my ex and it is such a LIBERATING feeling... just when you think "I'll never be happy again", it really does happen when you least expect it.

[JonasWaingaro]

Really good post chewy. I hit 11months this weekend and remember you from last summer. Such a long time ago, yet like yesterday in so many ways. I'm glad you are doing better! Always good to hear. Inspiration to keep going for my own dumb/sad self.