DestinyFound

Feeling better today. I wrote a list in a notebook on all of the reasons (that I could currently think of) why it's good that we're not together. I actually filled up an entire page, front and back. I will keep it for now as a reminder to myself that you're really not worth the agony I've gone through. I think I'm healing. Maybe I'm not back to 100%, but I'm definitely healing. \\

I still have my lonely days (like the other day, actually) where I miss you like crazy, but you know what? I don't deserve any of the low things you did to me. I deserve someone honest and open, who communicates well and isn't a coward. I deserve someone who doesn't use me as a replacement for someone else or just shuts down and makes me wonder what I did wrong or if we're even still together. Maybe you never really did love me. Real lovers and friends don't do this sort of thing to each other. Thanks for not respecting me and for all of the trust issues you brought back to me-- you just ended up proving me right. I hope one day I'll know what real love is and be truly loved back in return. Good luck in your current relationship...or whatever you want to call what you're in now. I pray that I will forgive you and that you find whatever it is that you're looking for. I hope you'll learn what being in a relationship really means and treat whoever that woman turns out to be, with respect, honesty, and devotion. Losing you is one of the hardest things I'm dealing with right now, but one day I'll let go of everything. One day....Maybe I'm getting closer to that day.

Your sister wrote to me out of the blue, the other week, just when I was at the highest mood that I've felt in months. Go figure. I confess what she told me was a little amusing though and maybe I feel a little bad about it, but it made me feel good. Did you know that she misses me over your current girl, the one you left me for and went back to? She says that _________ is spending all of your money. When you and I were first becoming "friends" (I use that term loosely now), you told me that you couldn't stand it when she used to do that, and that was one of the things that ended your relationship the first time around. Typical. Did you actually mean that when you confided it to me in the beginning, or was it just one of the many lies you fed me? Was saying it just a coping mechanism, to help you "get over" her? (Not that you did.) I purposely never asked you for all that much when we were together, just for that reason alone. You were the one who was always showering me with elaborate gifts when I never actually asked for them (some of which I still truly appreciate though. Thank you! I still use those electronics on a regular basis.) Are you happy? Are you really? Is this engagement really what you want, or was it her idea again? I didn't ask your sister for details about anything regarding you. I don't want to seem all that interested. I hope when I return home to our town that I'll be strong enough to face everything. I still don't want to see you or talk to you... and think about you less these days, but you still creep up into my brain. It's terrifying to go home, and I hope and pray that I don't relapse back into depression. Tired of this junk. Sick and tired.

I don't know if I want to have it out with you or not. Part of me thinks that I should just say my peace and be done with it, and another part of me thinks that I shouldn't even give you the time of day because then you would know that you got to me. A few of my friends suggested the former, and some others have suggested the latter. Some people think I should just get over you already, but it hurts, and I can't help it. I don't want it to hurt anymore. How did I become the pawn in the ugly little game of chess between you and her? I think you used me. I miss when it felt like you were one of my best buds, someone that I could confide in. You were more than a boyfriend to me. I miss who you pretended to be, but how is it possible to miss someone who apparently never existed? My mind knows it's true, but my heart doesn't want to listen. It's like you were replaced by an evil twin, just someone who treats me so indifferently. I feel almost as if I never existed in your world at all. Did you intend to make me feel that way? Did I mean anything to you? What happened to the guy who once said to me, on the first full day of our first vacation together, that it was "one of the best days of my life"? You were Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky back then. How could so much change between then and the following year?

Do you do this on purpose to torture me? I certainly hope not. Did you really not realize that it was your clothing item in that box of my stuff? I hope it was an honest mistake. I know we have the same item, but I've had mine for months. I was ready to be done with everything, but now I see that there's a little bit more work to do. Well, at least I probably won't have to see you when we do the next "exchange" of items. I truly hope you'll be nice about it when I see your reply to my email. Thanks for letting my friend know after we left about the other item that we didn't pick up- I was not aware of it. I just wish you had remembered it when my friend did tonight's exchange so that it was one less thing we have to do, but I suppose nobody's perfect. I am genuinely grateful on that part. It was nice NOT seeing you tonight while my friend went into your house for me and picked up some of the stuff I left there. I am so relieved that she took the stuff from you personally, after she told me later that you wanted to carry it out to her car, where I was waiting. Did you know I was there? I don't think you could see me with the tree in your yard blocking the view. The last thing I wanted to do was deal with the chance of coming face-to-face with you or your fiance (assuming she was there). Yes, that's right. I know you two are engaged again. I saw it tonight when I had to write to you about the box of stuff. Going for Round 2, huh? Why does this really not surprise me? It seems like nothing really surprises me about you anymore. I just didn't realize it was coming so soon. I still don't pretend to understand it, but the more I find out, the more I realize that maybe I never truly knew you at all. Maybe you should take up acting because you sure had me fooled for awhile. I appreciate being manipulated into thinking that you were the real deal- a nice guy who I had every reason to trust, when apparently I was just your transfer of feelings from her to me. You were supposedly over her, but I guess you were only kidding both of us. Well, I sure hope for her sake that you treat her better this second time around, than you treated me. No woman deserves what you put me through.

Dear ****, I'm feeling pretty disgusted with you right now. Not that you care, but I finally put another nail in our coffin. I found a reason to delete the rest of the pictures of us off of my Facebook. I heard the other night from a mutual aquaintance (who is on her way to becoming an actual friend now, to me) what you said about me behind my back, while we were still dating! How could you do that? Now, I'm really starting to wonder if you ever did love me. How could you compare me to your ex-fiance (now your girlfriend again) like that to other people and so crudely? Just because I wasn't ready to get more physical than we were, and she apparently had no trouble doing so, doesn't mean that I wouldn't have been eventually. You knew my boundaries going into our relationshp, long before ever started dating. I still can't stand that you lied to me about everything. You never voiced what you wanted while we were together- I'm not a mindreader, afterall. I thought I meant more to you than that. I don't know what was real anymore. Thanks for giving me more trust issues- I appreciate it. I want to move on...to someone else who knows how to treat me with respect and honesty! One day I want to forgive you. I really hope and pray that I will, but I have a feeling that it's going to take a lot more time.

Nice idea for a thread. This is my first time posting, but I've been lurking for quite awhile. Sorry if this is a little long. ------------------- Dear Ex, I wish things could have ended better between us, if they had to end at all. I'll never completely understand what went wrong. I trusted you, but you lied to me so much that now I don't know what was real and what wasn't in our relationship. Were you ever really in love with me? I can't believe you actually said that maybe I was "just a rebound." Do you know how much that hurt, after our conversation a few months prior to that? You told me you loved me. You knew I was reluctant to move forward with things, due to the skeletons in my closet. You told me I had nothing to worry about, and when I asked you to be patient with me and that I needed time and your support, you agreed. Why then, when I finally realized that I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else, did you suddenly withdraw? Things weren't always perfect in the past, but I was learning. We agreed to compromise, and I felt like things were moving in a good direction. Before my vacation, you even said you wanted our families to start hanging out together more. What was the point of that? You stopped taking my calls while I was on vacation and had me on the brink of concern, wondering if you were okay. When I finally started talking to you, I asked you if things were okay between us, and you said they were. Why do that if they weren't? Why is it when I finally got you to talk a few days later about things that you still had to lie to me? Why did you have to hide your doubts about us for so long and lead me on? I asked you straight up if there was someone else in the picture, and you said no. 2 days later, after things fell apart I suddenly hear that you are hanging out with HER? Thanks for the slap in the face. Then, a few weeks later, I find out that you two are a couple again. You didn't even have the guts to tell me that your ex fiance, the one you were supposedly over, was back in your life? You were so happy when she finally moved all of her things out of your house. Your best friend even said that you were miserable with her. Why bring her back now? I highly suspect now that you were cheating on me, whether physically or emotionally, I'll never know. Thanks for having no respect for us. I've certainly lost a lot of respect for you. I'm still hurting 4 months later and feeling like things are still unresolved. Before we started dating, you were my buddy. I thought we were good friends. I never felt so connected to a man before- I felt like you were my soulmate. How could you do all this to me? Why couldn't you have just been yourself from Day One? What was the point of pretending? What was real? What wasn't? I realize now that you were probably toxic for me. I desperately just want to move on and almost want to laugh because the whole situation with you guys is completely weird. I just wish I could forget you.