Dumpers that listen to their head not their heart...

[Tangz]

There are alot of dumpers out there that dump us but are still shaky after the break up. They themselves haven't got over the relationship when they broke up with us.

 

Alot of the time its dumpers who admit that the relationship was always good, that there's nothing wrong with you, and just feel the spark was gone or thought it was time to move on. They still love us so much but have some kind of desire that overwhelms this feeling (GIGS anyone?). Would it be fair to say that once this feeling of NOT being with us anymore, or the feeling that the relationship had lost its spark is temporary and when that diminishes they are then left with the feeling of loving us so much? Or do you think that they "listen to their head not their heart" and eventually stop loving us so much and get over us quicker than we do?

 

Its understandable but I couldn't imagine they could be as bad as us? We feel like our whole world has collapsed - the person we love has left us! Most of all we spend all our time thinking about being back with them and getting depressed that we aren't with them.

If they dont want to be with us then they obviously don't have that feeling that we have so why do they also get so upset?

 

I'd like to say that there are dumpers out there where their head says not to waste their time with us and move on but their heart is still attached to us so strong .... that its a test of their willpower whether they reject what their heart tells them or in the end eventually cave in to their true feelings?

 

Thoughts??? Sorry this probably makes no sense whatsoever.

[melrich]

When someone ends a relationship, 99 times out of 100 they have fallen out of love with the person. As a result they will get over the break up much quicker than the other party who may still be in love.

[atelis]

I think it's good to listen to the head..........i believe when people think they are listening to their heart, they are actually listening to fear and insecurity instead in many cases

[misssmithviii]

I think it's good to listen to the head..........i believe when people think they are listening to their heart, they are actually listening to fear and insecurity instead in many cases

 

That's a brilliant quote you just made and I agree with it 100%.

[Tangz]

I think it's good to listen to the head..........i believe when people think they are listening to their heart, they are actually listening to fear and insecurity instead in many cases

 

Yes, listening to the head helps us get over break ups.

 

But it can also be responsible for making dumb decisions? either way of the spectrum.

[waveseer]

I don't know about you, but my head is a million times smarter than my heart.

[Emi85]

I was the dumper with my last boyfriend and I loved him very much.....I still do. However, I had to to do what was right for me and end it. He was very bad for me (but my heart loved him anyway). I won't go into details...but the relationship was an emotionally abusive one.

 

I can't answer why I loved him but I gathered up the strength to put an end to the relationship. I'm still picking up the pieces (4 months later) and he is already in a new relationship. So I think both sides hurt tremendously, how much depends on the circumstances of the relationship.

[Lastchallenge]

Emi85 how do u know he didn't change after the break up?

[Tangz]

^^ Same as the above. If he changed would things be different?

[mca1975]

I think it's good to listen to the head..........i believe when people think they are listening to their heart, they are actually listening to fear and insecurity instead in many cases

 

What a great post. When we break up, it is because we are following a gut instinct that something is wrong and we are not happy. It is a very hard decision to break up and admit this to yourself and also to your partner. There will always be high emotions to follow, because as human kind we are bound by nature to get attached to people and when we fall out of love with them and we have decided to break up with them, that attachment is still there, because we have had enough time to get into a routine and a habit with that person.

 

Don't underestimate how hard it is sometimes for dumpers, often than not, they are the stronger person and in a way, they are doing you a favour, because there is no point in going on with a relationship that isn't working - it will hurt you both. However, obviously the rejection of a break-up is always very painful. Its a painful process through and through.

 

So yes, it takes a strong person to listen to your head instead of the insecurities in your heart about being alone/left no shelf. etc. etc.

[BU191433]

As a recent dumper (about 8 weeks ago) I reject the notion that it is a lot easier being the dumper than the dumpee. It might be a little easier, but not as much as the dumpee thinks.

 

In my case and I am only speaking for myself. I realized I was no longer in love with the person, and even though I didn't want to (it would have been so much easier to just keep going along, the relationship by most measures was fine) I knew I had to break up with him. let me tell you once I realized that it was probably the worst thing that has happened in my life, that realization was scary. I so wanted it to change, I wanted to be able to work things out, but it wasn't going to work.

 

I still have doubts though, I still deeply care about the person, I still feel horrible.

 

Yes my brain was telling me it was time to end it, but the rest of me was saying no way, don't do it. Breaking up with someone who loves you so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with you is never easy

[mca1975]

Totally agree with this. As a dumper you have the added label as being the bad guy. Of course its very painful for someone to be "dumped" (I hate that word!) but is equally as hard for the person who did the "dumping" to come to the realisation that they want to end it and actually go through with it.

[Ding]

AMEN x 10000

[johnnyp]

Hmmm…not sure I agree with all those that say listening to your heart is all about fear and insecurity and that your head is what is true. Oftentimes our head and overthinking things can actually be the thing that leads us to the fear and insecurity (what if they hurt me, what if they leave me, what if they're the wrong one etc) when in reality if we just went with our heart and trusted that what will be will be, we'd be much happier.

 

Of course you're right too and this isn't a firm rule though…sometimes our whole body tells us to stay with someone that clearly is wrong for us. I don't think it's ever as cut and dried as "the head is right" or "the heart is right". You have to weigh up whether there's more positive than negative in the relationship and whether it's worth fighting for, and that takes your head and very much your heart. After all, what is love without your heart?

 

Many times my head told me to leave my ex because of a great many reasons that were nothing to do with anything but my own insecurities and me over analysing things....ultimately my heart told me to stay and I had ten amazing years with her. If I'd listened to my head, I would've had none. Of course I also wouldn't have got my heart broken ten years later but that's another story

[d_lilah]

I don't deny that 'dumpers' have a hard time, but when it comes to ending the relationship, you have already come to terms with it. In the cases where relationships end with no warning and there is nothing wrong (other than lack of feeling on one side), the acceptance of the end can be extremely difficult and prolong the agony of the dumpee. So while the dumpers have the inner turmoil and guilt, they find it easier and quicker to get over it.

 

Listening only to the heart or the head is extremely dangerous in either case. Any decision requires a balanced conclusion or you will find yourself regretting your actions further down the line. You will either hurt yourself or the other. I have only ever listened to my heart, and the pain I was going through was unbearable, whereas my ex only listened to his head, and caused more pain than was necessary.

 

Respecting both aspects of your psyche will ensure respect for both you and your partner.

[Live-N-Learn]

I don't know about you, but my head is a million times smarter than my heart.

 

Ageed, however emotions are not based on logic ie the brain. So many times your head is telling you the rational and correct action to take but the emotions are so overwhelming you can not follow the brains advice.

 

We are in a society that wants immediate gratification and resuls. Most people want to relieve the pain as quickly as possible so they try to fix what can not be fixed. We have no patience and have not learned how to suffer. that is what gets us in trouble.

[QuirkyCute]

"Don't underestimate how hard it is sometimes for dumpers, often than not, they are the stronger person."

 

I respectfully disagree, mca1975, and I was actually a little insulted at what you said because it almost diminishes the pain that the bereft goes through to come out, yes, stronger (personally) on the other side. My ex breaks up with me for no good reason, and he's the stronger one because he's doing what his "gut" told him? No, there is no "stronger" person when a break up occurs, and if you have genuine love for someone when the break up happens, it will take just about all the strength you have (regardless of what side you're on) to pull through the pain. I do agree with you, however, that it is difficult (very) for both people in some instances, and that the person who did the dumping may have done the "dumpee" a favor in the long run. I have no idea how my ex is feeling, but I think I'd toss a chair at him if he told me that he was, in any way, stronger than me because he ended it.

[d_lilah]

I think I'd toss a chair at him if he told me that he was, in any way, stronger than me because he ended it.

 

Well put.

 

All it means is that their heart wasn't in it.

[Emi85]

Emi85 how do u know he didn't change after the break up?

 

I guess you can never know. But I took him back several times and things never changed.......I know this sounds cynical, but I truly believe that people do not change unless THEY recognize that something needs to change.

 

But I felt horrible regardless for dumping him. I wanted things to work...but they didn't. Maybe as the dumper, there is not as much of a feeling of 'rejection' but the pain is definitely there.

[QuirkyCute]

To add my two cents (again)...

 

I don't think that one should favor the head over the heart, or vice versa. We have them both for a reason, and we should (if we can) use them both (as d_lilah pointed out earlier). In times of great emotionality, yes, it may be better to listen to your head temporarily. However, after time passes, and the wounds are not so new and raw anymore, the head and the heart should, at least to me, work together again. From my perspective, it is not good to always (or usually) favor one over the other because, again, you have both for a reason.

 

Also, listening to your head over your heart will not always guarantee that whatever conclusion you come to in that process is rational or correct. People can rationalize anything, and, yes, be wrong!

[d_lilah]

 

Also, listening to your head over your heart will not always guarantee that whatever conclusion you come to in that process is rational or correct. People can rationalize anything, and, yes, be wrong!

 

Once again, you hit the nail on the head! (can I steal your brain, quirkycute?)

 

Rationality and logic are not always correct. You are simply trying to justify your actions, and they can't always justified...only so that you don't feel as bad about what you are doing.