Just stood next to the guy she left me for..

[Hobbes]

I got a job after 7 months of unemployment, so I have to ride the metro in town for a little part of the journey.

 

Bear in mind, I have no idea where she lives (check other threads, she has never spoken to me uninitiated and even then only once or twice in short reply), but from checking her fb before deleting her, I knew what he looked like - a thug basically. Of course I would say that, but really he has mugshot features.. or so I thought.

 

I stood there, and he got in on the metro and stood less than one metre away from me. He was twitching and hiccuping and got off the next stop in a hurry. I have played this moment through in my head over and over in the last 7 months - what would I do? Normally it unleashes (I admit) a violent side of me, and I actually tremble a little then think whoah, don't be like that...

 

Yet, it didn't happen, I didn't shake, I wasn't angry - I just looked at him. What did I see? I saw a kid. Small frame, almost effeminate. Still not a pretty picture to look at but I thought, man this guy is a child, I can't say or do anything, why would I anyways - I know she left me, so it's not his fault, although obviously he did muscle in, but I would have too at his age. He's probably 20 and I just had my 39th birthday. I watched him get off the metro and thoughts started rolling around in my head, I felt an urge to be childish and sent her a text, but I didn't.

 

I think it's probably a good step. I have lots of things changing in my life right now, new job, about to move in next month or two, sort out my debts and suddenly the future looks pretty good. I don't even know if they are still dating, but we all get to the stage where we see what we were left for. Or at least most of us do. 2 days of public transport for the first time in 20 years and there he is. Maybe he saw me and freaked out, I don't know but I do know that I am very surprised at her choice. She was always looking for a father figure and I thought maybe he filled that role but I don't see how that is possible now. Maybe she used him, I have no idea. I could beat the guy to a pulp and thought it might happen in the rage fantasies I had when I thought of him and her in the past but damn... I'm just going to be the bigger person and let it slide. Even if I see him again, I am sure I will.

 

It will help my drive to explore the areas of my life that are calling me, my musicianship (I write and play a few instruments, one very very well) - and one day she will regret it. I know I should do it for me but it's doesn't harm in having this feeling of being betrayed and undone (she has put me through 7 months of hell but some friends and family say it was the biggest kick in the arse I ever had in my life that was a) needed and b) a great age for it to happen) - and my desire to expand my company.

 

Yea a bit of a weird post maybe, just feel like venting although I'm not in vent mode - I'm in positive mode. Being dumped like that means you are not good enough for her at that time. See it how you will but it's clear that is a part of it.

 

I have never said anything bad to her since she left me, only sent her nice emails/texts wishing her the best - I have been weak on that front, but I don't hate her, why should I say something mean? Maybe the age factor comes in here, why should I be a burden to her? I love her enough to want her to be happy - of course I wish she had been less cold but to say my ex is a bad person - well I loved her for 4 years and she gave it back - why would I have stayed with her?

 

And breathe.. the hell of the - well documented I might add (although i did delete a lot as I posted a lot of personal stuff (that was commented upon and reviews)) - last 7 months maybe coming to an end and I will be ok. Yesterday I was in a café and this beautiful girl walked my way and I thought it was her, it was someone *just* like her, yet maybe more attractive or maybe I had some mind games going on as when you see an ex after some time they are usually extra stunning. Anyways all these things are suddenly happening, it's all jigsawing its way into a bigger picture and I'm ok now, really. I still think of her of course but the resignation is there now.

 

Thanks for all your help over the months. It's been a ride and once I realised she didn't care and probably would never show anything to me again I fell into some bad traps and lost my great body, so I am rebuilding on that front again too and trying to overcome the slump.

 

So this is where she contacts me again right? Nah I know..

[JonasWaingaro]

Nice post hobbes! I can't imagine that moment. Must be pretty surreal, to actually face the boogieman. Funny how he always seems less then what you think. Grats on the new job! And Happy Birthday!! Did I miss that?! Sounds like you have turned a corner and are getting there. Awesome man. It's been a journey huh. Almost worth it to meet all the really great folks along the way - almost. lol

 

And yes, this is probably the defacto time she'll reappear.

[broken71]

I feel for your situation Hobbes. From what I've read, it certainly seems like you would be a much better partner than the kid and you can take some solace in that. But for me, it only kind of adds to the frustration. Maybe there was a reason for the meeting... who knows? Good luck on your road to recovery. I hope to join you on it soon.

[coolchick64]

Your post reminds me that all the players in our ghastly little dramas are just people. Sometimes we build them up to superhuman proportions in our minds. They take on so much significance and power, but in the end, they're just average people shuffling through life. It must've been empowering to realize that about him.

 

I think it also shows (as you point out in your post) that her choice to leave was about her and her changing needs---not some wonderful qualities this man had that you lack. It's frustrating to realize this in a way because it's nice to feel we have some control. That we can change the situation by being a better listener or more attractive or whatever. Funny how we prefer to live with self-inflicted criticism and insecurity rather than give up that control. (I'm speaking personally now more than anything, but it seems to apply.)

 

Anyway . . . Hobbes, you sound really great. Better than I've heard you sound in months. Maybe ever! It's great to see.

[Hobbes]

Thanks guys.

 

Should I have been meaner? I've never shown any anger or fight, as waddyagonnadoaboutit, hands were and are tied. I gave her a chance to respond around mid Feb, but nothing so.. I mean damn I even fowarded her mail a few times to her dad's place.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think you handled it just right. No need for interaction. Use the experience for your benefit...to move on with your life. She can have her little man/child. You're on to bigger and better things. Good for you!

[quirky]

wow, what a thread title!

I wouldn't have been meaner..really why? what's the point..You definitely looked like the better person.

I'm really happy there is a sense of possibility for you now, life unfolding, a more calming feeling I assume. Maybe through this really tough experience you can realise that nothing can break you

 

Your post reminds me that all the players in our ghastly little dramas are just people. Sometimes we build them up to superhuman proportions in our minds. They take on so much significance and power, but in the end, they're just average people shuffling through life. It must've been empowering to realize that about him.

 

what an excellent point..

[JonasWaingaro]

You handled it perfectly. You've handled it all with class and grace. I get what you mean though, I've wondered the same thing in my case. Should I have been more angry, shown fire and such. I dunno. I doubt it would matter.

[Mustachio]

You did right hobbes, definitely did the right thing. You are the bigger person, you walked away, and even though him or your ex might never know it, you will know it.

 

You sound like you are doing good... and even though everyone was here under bad circumstances, its good to see you posting again.

[Hobbes]

You handled it perfectly. You've handled it all with class and grace. I get what you mean though, I've wondered the same thing in my case. Should I have been more angry, shown fire and such. I dunno. I doubt it would matter.

 

What you say! You said I should have punched him in the nuts..

 

Yea I know, hold head high bla bla bla. It's been tough being so.. noble. She's definitely the type to want even the dumpee to fight after and I searched for an angle she might have given me and it was never there. So..

 

The thing that made me wonder around christmas was when I emailed her saying her sister had a virus propagating itself through msn and sent her a link to send to her sister to repair it and she thanked me.. and never said 'why do you still have my sis on msn?' which made me think (since removed) but you look for crumbs in these situations, often blowing up something that doesn't exist. I have learned a lot in the seven months. It's made me feel quite old though.

[JonasWaingaro]

Bahahahahaha I did not! (hehe okay maybe I did ) Yes being noble is a pain in the butt. I agree. But being a raving loon is no better. Right?! Learning from all this junk is the upside. I know I've learned so much about me, relationships, and what I did wrong and what I did right. Which is good. That's a positive. I'm sure that's the same with you. Lesson freakin' learned!

[newinvention]

Hey Hobbes - just wanted to pop in and say hello. Sounds like you're movin along... Keep at it.