broken71

So I saw you from afar just before. I didn't have to look around to see if you may be passing by but I did. Do you know how tiring it is trying not to think of you? I wonder if you think of me. Even if you did, I'm sure it's only in passing. Every day it's a struggle. Just don't know what to do anymore.

I’ve been consumed with thoughts about you and hope that by having you come back will everything right again. This sounds totally odd…. I know. What the hell am I talking about? I was so crystal clear on the state of our relationship. I was clear to you and I thought I was clear to myself. So f****** sure that there was no more left to explore. But I was comfortable. I wanted to see you every week. In my mind, I wasn’t looking for something else. I did feel that there should be something better. There’s that word again. Should…. F****** Should. I do remember the pain of breaking up. I didn't want to be hurt again and I don’t want anyone that is in a relationship with me to get hurt. I guess I used it as an excuse to be lukewarm and distant. Enjoy the brief moments together and not get too attached. Should something better come along, then separation will not be too hard. We can probably remain friends. That is exactly what happened. Just as I had drawn it up. Something better came along for you. Of course it came along for you first because I wasn’t looking. I expect things to fall in my lap as you did to me. But that does not happen often. So this is where we’re at. 6 months after you called it off. You are off on your new life with someone from work no less. I don’t blame you for doing so. It does make sense. I can see so vividly in my mind that this man is now experiencing all the things with you that I experienced before. This man is intimate with you in all the ways that I was with you before and seeing you enjoy it more… because this man loves you. Wow… the pain that I have is immense. I fight it because I’m scared. I think I should not be going through this. I’m better than this. But am I? No… I am going through this and in some morbid way, I’m glad. There was no way that I would’ve been able to make this realization if it didn’t happen this way. You had to let me go. So now I’m alone again. I have every right to do whatever I want. But I can’t let go. I want so much to let you go. All the moments that we’ve shared before now comes back and hits me like a ton of bricks. Small tiny events from going to the supermarket or just watching TV on your couch. Of course the big events like going to dinner in the city early on and the talks that we had which I coldly told you my feelings. Those hit hard. How do I let that all go when I now feel like you may have been the best thing to come into my life and I let it go? Since you left, things obviously are not the same. You don’t look the same to me and you are not the same person to me. I avoid you but want the contact. I look for you but don’t want to see anything. I am left with confusion. My self esteem has taken a beating and it has been a rude awakening. If I had to do things over again, I would. But life doesn’t work that way, does it? You treated me so very well during the time we spent together. I cannot find any fault with that. I hoped for another chance but second chances are hard to come by. In terms of relationships, I don’t believe in giving second chances so it’s unlikely to think that a second chance would be given to me. You do deserve more and you were brave enough to go for it. There is no other way but to let you go. Let go of the attachments and thoughts that I now hold on to so dearly. Let go of the jealousy that grips me so tightly. Let go of the regret that consumes my mind at times. Just simply let go of thinking of you. I want to let it all go because I’ve got to move on. I don’t know what the future brings. I appreciate the times that I had with you. I just want to move on.