No Contact vs. Being Done

[waveseer]

nw, let's sum it up...

 

You are highly unlikely to reconcile and neither of you is ready for friendship only. I'm thinking it's time for you to get on with your life, what are you thinking?

[newwave]

I don't think he'll ever call again so I don't think it's something I can worry about. Kind of a shame because we were friends, but he's the one who never gave it a chance.

[Capricorn3]

Being done means I've made a decision that the relationship is no longer desirable. Not contacting means marking time to an indeterminate point in the future when it will be okay to contact again. In order for me to be healed (notice the past tense), I need to be done, all the way done..

I agree with this. I think acceptance comes with being done, and once you can accept that's it's over for good, it is so much easier to move on. Without acceptance, you always hope, and therefore have a hard time letting go, which lets the hurt linger even longer.

 

(btw, nice to see you back waveseer )

[kyivish]

kyivish, the stage you are in is most painful and frustrating. It is a stage though and you will emerge from it with a new attitude. You will realize that your happiness depends solely on yourself and only if you are happy with yourself can you be happy together with someone else. You can hasten the next phase by exploring ways to make yourself happy now.

 

I actually think I could've recovered from this if it was a clean break up. Because the idea that I made someone happy really made me feel like I have a lot to offer. But when she cheated and left me for someone else, then said that she wasn't sure if she ever loved me (she had told me she loved me countless times) and that she had never planned on spending the rest of her life with me...well that just made me feel like crap. Its really tradgic how such beautiful things can turn so ugly in a matter or minutes. The things that once made me happy seem very trivial now. And when I force myself to do things I feel very tired afterwards. I know lots of people go through this but its killing me right now.

[waveseer]

I actually think I could've recovered from this if it was a clean break up. Because the idea that I made someone happy really made me feel like I have a lot to offer. But when she cheated and left me for someone else, then said that she wasn't sure if she ever loved me (she had told me she loved me countless times) and that she had never planned on spending the rest of her life with me...well that just made me feel like crap. Its really tradgic how such beautiful things can turn so ugly in a matter or minutes. The things that once made me happy seem very trivial now. And when I force myself to do things I feel very tired afterwards. I know lots of people go through this but its killing me right now.

 

Yes, I agree that's it's tragic how people can throw away beautiful relationships. The only conclusion I've ever been able to reach on that is that the person who threw it away no longer thought it was a beautiful relationship (if they ever did). Keep plodding along, take good care of yourself and your spirits will improve.

[Live-N-Learn]

NC is best to heal and move on. It takes some of us more time than others to come to the acceptance phase and being done. Very few on this site went straight NC and were done at the same time.

[waveseer]

I agree with this. I think acceptance comes with being done, and once you can accept that's it's over for good, it is so much easier to move on. Without acceptance, you always hope, and therefore have a hard time letting go, which lets the hurt linger even longer.

 

(btw, nice to see you back waveseer )

 

Sorry, Cap, didn't see your post before (you must have snuck it in there, lol). What you said about hope made me thing of the helpful things to hope for such as complete healing and happy future relationships for all concerned. It also reminded me (wish I would have thought of this a few years ago) to be careful what I hope for because that's where my attention will be.

[waveseer]

NC is best to heal and move on. It takes some of us more time than others to come to the acceptance phase and being done. Very few on this site went straight NC and were done at the same time.

 

For me it was like quitting a bad habit, no offense to my ex. Every time I walked away I was sure I was done. Then I would come back, then I would stop contacting him, then I would heal a little, then I would come back....

 

This went on for years before I was finally able to make the decision to be done. I'm sure he thought I was crazy, and I'm pretty sure he was right.

 

But just like quitting a bad habit, never stop stopping and one day you will succeed.

[ElectricSheep123]

I'm in NC, and it's torture. I count the days down on a calendar. As I'm posting this, it's been exactly 3 weeks, 6 days and 22.5 hrs since my ex- and I last spoke (roughly a month). I want to be friends sometime in the future, but everyone keeps telling me I should not be friends with a cheater, because I'll be setting myself up for more hurt.

[waveseer]

I'm in NC, and it's torture. I count the days down on a calendar. As I'm posting this, it's been exactly 3 weeks, 6 days and 22.5 hrs since my ex- and I last spoke (roughly a month). I want to be friends sometime in the future, but everyone keeps telling me I should not be friends with a cheater, because I'll be setting myself up for more hurt.

 

I had a terrible time trying to avoid contacting my ex. For the durations I did succeed it was because I knew it would double my already excruciating withdrawl symptoms or I had managed to distract myself.

 

My healing finally started getting on track when I found this place, but even then it was a long and windy road getting to where I am today.

 

One thing I will tell you though, if I could graduate from avoiding contact to being done then anyone can!

[oldenoughtoknow]

I agree with the other posters that NC is a strategy towards being done. But I'm also of the opinion that you're never really done. That's why I don't do "friends" afterward. If it's someone you have to see on occasion, because of work, mutual friends or children, then that has to be. But just because a relationship ends, I don't think you're ever really done.

 

There was something that attracted you to this person at one point. Some of those points of attraction may have been muddied, never to return. But the majority are still there, pushed into your subconscious as a means of moving on with your life. Many of the people I've seen try to be friends afterward only prolong needless drama. Your memory can be very selective. One day, you'll hear their laugh, or a certain look in their eye, and all of the ugliness and fallout from the embattled relationship and break up just doesn't seem so important anymore. Hum, what could come of this? You may decide that maybe it's worth another try...and then the other doesn't. What fun! You get to endure the pain of rejection and relive the breakup all over again. Great idea!

 

The past should be studied and learned from, but it should be kept where it belongs - in the past. What if you're in a new relationship. Is it fair to your current SO for you to be "friends" with your ex? Not that anything would ever happen, but being too good of friends can rattle even the most secure and trusting mate. And that's not being respectful to your current relationship. That's not giving your current life the best chance for success.

 

So for me, it's NC forever. I work hard to maintain myself on a path of an ever happy life. I don't need a constant reminder of a past failure. And I definitely don't need another "friend" that badly.