No Contact vs. Being Done

[waveseer]

I don't know about you, but I've fared far better being done than trying to avoid making or responding to contact. Being done means I've made a decision that the relationship is no longer desirable. Not contacting means marking time to an indeterminate point in the future when it will be okay to contact again. In order for me to be healed (notice the past tense), I need to be done, all the way done. I am wondering what you may think of the differences between no contact and being done.

[incaangelique]

I think you are farther along in your recovery than I am. I am still at the point where I need discipline and structure. Being done is obviously preferable to NC obsessing and counting.

[asthesparrow]

Well, for me, "being done" is having no desire to contact, at all, ever...

Which is where I am now, and am happy (:

[fLuiD]

NC helps take you to the point of being done.

[bravebird]

NC helps take you to the point of being done.

 

I fully agree.

[doiiiieeezie]

For me, NC was never a way of being done, it was simply avoidance. However when I am truly done, I will let that person know and will stick to it, and I simply find that doing so allows both to move on fully. When I am done, I am stick a fork in it bu-bye done.

[waveseer]

I think you are farther along in your recovery than I am. I am still at the point where I need discipline and structure. Being done is obviously preferable to NC obsessing and counting.

 

NC helps take you to the point of being done.

 

I think I get the picture. If I look closely I can count the time I did before I made a permanent decision as no contact, and the time after as being done.

[waveseer]

Well, for me, "being done" is having no desire to contact, at all, ever...

Which is where I am now, and am happy (

 

For me, NC was never a way of being done, it was simply avoidance. However when I am truly done, I will let that person know and will stick to it, and I simply find that doing so allows both to move on fully. When I am done, I am stick a fork in it bu-bye done.

 

I am happy now too! And yes, attempting avoidance cost me dearly. Now that I am feeling confident in my decision for doneness I have no need to communicate that decision.

[sigmond freud]

I don't know about you, but I've fared far better being done than trying to avoid making or responding to contact. Being done means I've made a decision that the relationship is no longer desirable. Not contacting means marking time to an indeterminate point in the future when it will be okay to contact again. In order for me to be healed (notice the past tense), I need to be done, all the way done. I am wondering what you may think of the differences between no contact and being done.

no contact is a pre-curser to being done...lol chicken and egg thing...,lol

[u4me]

Waveseer, I've missed you! Glad you're well. I've been apart from my ex for almost 20 months It's been a long haul. I've gone through obsessive contact, NC, etc. But, I had to take the time and make the mistakes to know I don't want him for my lifetime partner. I miss him. I wish it could have turned out differently. He's with another. The odds were stacked against them, but they been together twice as long as we were together. All I know, is that it took me forever to understand that if he walked away so easily this time, it would be easier for him the next time. I can't go through that again. I actually feel sorry for the woman he's with. He will do the same to her. He's done it in every major relationship he's had. The sad thing is I'm so mis-trusting of men now. I would rather be alone, than be set up for failure again.

[Seymore]

NC is, of course, no contact, where you care one way or another about them contacting you. Being done is not giving a crap either way if they attempt to contact you or not.

 

In my opinion, NC is rooted in love, and you'll often have to resist that in order to make the logical decision. Being done is rooted in the opposite of love - indifference.

[waveseer]

I'm glad to be back, tonight was miraculously one of those nights when my calendar was clear.

 

I agree with the bolded part above, although I feel positive about my future relationship(s) should there be any. I know I can choose wisely and communicate effectively. Next time, if there is one, I will let the other person EARN my trust.

[waveseer]

NC is, of course, no contact, where you care one way or another about them contacting you. Being done is not giving a crap either way if they attempt to contact you or not.

 

In my opinion, NC is rooted in love, and you'll often have to resist that in order to make the logical decision. Being done is rooted in the opposite of love - indifference.

 

Interesting, Seymore. I give myself a little more latitude than that, I think. I am at peace with caring about someone at the same time I no longer desire their presence in my life. I care about my ex husbands, for example.

[Seymore]

having never been married, I can't say I relate, so who knows. Do you feel you SHOULD be caring about your ex husbands? I know any friends or exes i've parted ways with...if I didn't care anymore whether or not they contacted me but I still cared about them, that would mean I still have feelings and therefore am not truly "done". But that's just me.

[waveseer]

having never been married, I can't say I relate, so who knows. Do you feel you SHOULD be caring about your ex husbands? I know any friends or exes i've parted ways with...if I didn't care anymore whether or not they contacted me but I still cared about them, that would mean I still have feelings and therefore am not truly "done". But that's just me.

 

Again, interesting viewpoint. I care about many, many people but I don't necessarily want to see or talk with them. It's relative, I think, I simply care about myself more.

[uncomfynumb]

Waveseer, I've missed you! Glad you're well. I've been apart from my ex for almost 20 months It's been a long haul. I've gone through obsessive contact, NC, etc. But, I had to take the time and make the mistakes to know I don't want him for my lifetime partner. I miss him. I wish it could have turned out differently. He's with another. The odds were stacked against them, but they been together twice as long as we were together. All I know, is that it took me forever to understand that if he walked away so easily this time, it would be easier for him the next time. I can't go through that again. I actually feel sorry for the woman he's with. He will do the same to her. He's done it in every major relationship he's had. The sad thing is I'm so mis-trusting of men now. I would rather be alone, than be set up for failure again.QUOTE]

 

I don't know how to tell you but don't let this do that to you, try not to become mistrusting because of him.

 

They are not all bad guys. You know that. I think the key is to go a little slower, listen more and talk less or ask more questions. Not that you didn't the first time but try to see this this as a blessing in disquise.

 

I sometimes feel the same way that you do. My ex was a super nice guy. BUT he said some things and I didn't actually listen. I heard him but also heard what I wanted to hear. He tried to tell me how damaged he was and I thought to myself, "I can fix that!" I should have taken three steps back instead of three steps forward.

 

You will do just fine in the future. All of us will. Have faith! Trust in yourself!

[kyivish]

Well I tried the whole begging, and telling her how much I need her and how much I love her. I'm now in NC, but as I'm sure everyone will tell me I'm an idiot, I'm hoping NC will have some impact on her.

 

I've never been as happy as I was with her, and the idea of moving on and not wanting her is like saying I don't ever want to be that happy again. Its been five weeks and its actually been getting harder each day, cause each day she doesn't come back is further indication that she never will. I don't know what to do anymore

[waveseer]

kyivish, the stage you are in is most painful and frustrating. It is a stage though and you will emerge from it with a new attitude. You will realize that your happiness depends solely on yourself and only if you are happy with yourself can you be happy together with someone else. You can hasten the next phase by exploring ways to make yourself happy now.

[newwave]

I am in no contact but it's because of him not calling me back and me refusing to give in. He told me he'd call me back 6 weeks from tomorrow and that's the sign that the no contact will eventually become completely done.Am I hurting? You bet, I am in hysterics but it's much better than when he first told me he didn't want a relationship (after telling me he did). Everyday I find myself reaching for the phone to call him and then realize it's up to him to make the move, whether that move is no contact, coming to his senses, or whatever else.

[waveseer]

newwave, it's not up to him really, it's up to you. Even if he did contact you and wanted to reconcile it's still your choice.

[newwave]

newwave, it's not up to him really, it's up to you. Even if he did contact you and wanted to reconcile it's still your choice.

 

If he did want to reconcile I'd set some rules up. I refuse to have him put me through this again. Like my mother said, him doing this now, means that if he comes back he'd do worse. Who's to say we'd get engaged and he wouldn't leave me at the altar?

[waveseer]

If he did want to reconcile I'd set some rules up. I refuse to have him put me through this again. Like my mother said, him doing this now, means that if he comes back he'd do worse. Who's to say we'd get engaged and he wouldn't leave me at the altar?

 

Nothing will guarantee a partner will stay with you. The only way to ensure your refusal above in bold is to never be with him again.

[newwave]

Honestly, at this point I'd be surprised if he came back, or if he did it would be as friends. I don't see him at this point coming back wanting a relationship. Otherwise last time I spoke (6 weeks ago) he would have called me back right away or at least spoke longer to me on the phone, or asked how I was doing. Instead it was all about him.

[waveseer]

newwave, do you really see him becoming a good friend to you?

[newwave]

At one time he was, and I can see him returning to his former self. Whether he will I am not sure. Years have made him a completely different person, more angry and bitter.