Should I Be Over It By Now?

[spook]

Hi guys,

 

I'm 14½ months post break up after almost 5 years together. I'm moving on but I still think about her way too often and anyone I try and date never even comes close. I have her and our old life on this pedastal I can't seem to shift. It no longer hurts but it's just so annoying that I can't seem to clear the last hurdle. I've lost a load of my friends due to our break up, as they were mutual, and I hate the fact that my life is no longer as good as at it used to be.

 

Anyone any thoughts.. should I be over this by now?

[jenmar]

I thought that I was abnormal for not being over my 4.5 month relationship- its been a little over two months since the break up

I have been going to therapy- and she told me everyone is different. Don't feel that you are abnormal, or that you "should" be over it by now.

Only you will know how intense your feelings were, and only you can decide when you are ready to fully let go.

What are some things you are doing to get over it? have you tried a journal, therapy, there are some good books to read....

[Ms Darcy]

You are not abnormal, but you might consider getting a little therapy to help you take her off that pedastal. Are you still hoping to get back together? Do you have more friends now? Did she end the relationship with you? Those are important questions I think.

[JonasWaingaro]

Hey Spook - There are no 'shoulds' in this stuff. Everyone is different, every relationship is different - so getting over it will be different for everyone. 5 years is a long time. I'd figure it will take a couple to get completely past that much time together. I'm 10 months out from a 4 year relationship and I'm not over it yet. My life isn't as good as before too. It's a drag. All you can do is keep living life, moving along, and try to make things better for yourself. Splurge on lifelong dreams if you can. Anyhoo, time will take care of the thoughts and comparisons. I hope!

 

BTW, always loved your avi. That kitty is NOT amused. lol

[spook]

I thought that I was abnormal for not being over my 4.5 month relationship- its been a little over two months since the break up

I have been going to therapy- and she told me everyone is different. Don't feel that you are abnormal, or that you "should" be over it by now.

Only you will know how intense your feelings were, and only you can decide when you are ready to fully let go.

What are some things you are doing to get over it? have you tried a journal, therapy, there are some good books to read....

 

I've done it all! Except therapy which I simply can't afford. As I said it doesn't hurt any more but I find I'm just stuck in a rut at the moment!

 

You are not abnormal, but you might consider getting a little therapy to help you take her off that pedastal. Are you still hoping to get back together? Do you have more friends now? Did she end the relationship with you? Those are important questions I think.

Yeah she broke up with me. Reconciliation would be a disaster and out of the question, but I still find I miss my old life and in the back of my mind I hope one day there will be a happy ending. I know it will never, ever return but I still glorify the old days. I have a few new friends, but I had to leave a big group behind simply because it was the best thing to do to get over her. It feels like I've been forgotten about!!

[jenmar]

Having the feeling of being forgotten about is rough- The only thing I could suggest is to try and live it up- this is YOUR life.. You seem pretty reasonable and stable.. being in a rut is just that, a rut.. you will get through it with time.

Just remember your not abnormal or anything, infact your doing great by making new friends and making that painful decision to leave other friends behind...

Keep your chin up-

[spook]

Hey Spook - There are no 'shoulds' in this stuff. Everyone is different, every relationship is different - so getting over it will be different for everyone. 5 years is a long time. I'd figure it will take a couple to get completely past that much time together. I'm 10 months out from a 4 year relationship and I'm not over it yet. My life isn't as good as before too. It's a drag. All you can do is keep living life, moving along, and try to make things better for yourself. Splurge on lifelong dreams if you can. Anyhoo, time will take care of the thoughts and comparisons. I hope!

 

BTW, always loved your avi. That kitty is NOT amused. lol

Thanks JW. I mean I'm over it for the most part but just find myself a bit lost. It still feels like we're together in the back of my mind. It's like me and her were like 2+2=4 but even now it doesn't make sense that we're not together anymore!!

 

lol.. the kitty!!

[OccultFigurine]

Hi Spook

I agree with everyone else-there are no 'shoulds' when it comes to these things.

Don't be disheartened that you haven't dated anyone yet that comes close-it could be that you're not ready,or you've just not met that one yet.

I actually think this is probably a good thing, you still feel the loss of your ex and you haven't jumped into anything else that isn't right-that sounds very sensible to me!

I'm so rarely attracted to people that when I'm single I wonder if I'll ever be part of a couple! But when it happens it happens, and its worth it in the end

[doiiiieeezie]

It takes time, and there is no deadline. I was with my ex for a year, friends for 5, and I am still not over it either 10 months later. He's not on a pedestal by all means but no one understood me more than him. Like Jonas said, life isn't as fun. What I recommend is that you write all of your thoughts down, listen to music, laugh, do the things that you loved to do or always wanted to. There are plenty of meet up groups too that will help you network more and make new friends.

 

She may be always in your heart but one day the feeling of being lost will subside, it just takes time.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah she broke up with me. Reconciliation would be a disaster and out of the question, but I still find I miss my old life and in the back of my mind I hope one day there will be a happy ending!

 

Since therapy is out of reach, you might consider keeping a journal. In that journal, I would repeat that reconciliation is a disaster. The more you know that is true, the more you can move forward.

[Up and Down]

You are fine, 5 years will have a significant impact on your life, social activities, people you know. If you have lost friends, then you are still probably trying to find your footing on your own. In short it takes time and no I don't think you are abnormal.

 

You need to help yourself progress though, if you stay in a lull in life where you are now it will take longer. Go to the gym, be social, travel, make new friends. Create new memories without the person that left.

[turnera]

Are you in the States? If so, go to link removed. They will get you therapy you can afford. Seriously.

 

In the immediate, what have you CHANGED about your life since you broke up?

 

Do you have a new hobby?

 

New sport you do? You need to be exercising, period.

 

Taking any classes?

 

Volunteering? Lord knows there are a million places that need your help, and a billion people worse off than you are; realizing that will help you get moving.

[spook]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm chuckling at the 'go to the gym and get in shape' buzz that most people get in to after a break up! Thing is, I'm a personal trainer lol!!

 

As for therapy, I'm tired of talking about it. I burnt the ears off everyone I know last year and to be honest I don't think I could start all over again going thru the events from the beginning.

 

I guess I just need to accept that 5 years with the one person will take time to get over, especially as I thought it would be my last relationship!! It took me 2 years to get over my first love and that was only a 2 year relationship.

 

Thanks again everyone for your responses.

[turnera]

Maybe, instead of wishing you had that person back, you could spend your time thinking about where the relationship went wrong, and what part you played in it. That way, you'll be sure not to sabotage your next relationship cos you've mistake-proofed yourself!

[soheartbroken]

I'm 9 months out of 5 years. I'm not over it by far. I went from living in a beautiful apartment and going to law school, to sleeping on a single mattress on the floor in a room with no furniture, working for minimum wage. So no, life is nothing like it was with her. And yes, I put my old life on a pedestal.

 

And I've been in therapy for months.

 

You're definitely farther ahead than I am, because I still long for my ex, and I would give my right arm for another chance.

 

You're doing just fine. Like everyone is saying, there is no timeline. It will take as long as it takes. It sounds like you've got forward momentum and you'll be just fine.

 

Take care.

[CampingOnEarth]

I think and feel that we humans would be a lot happier and growing toward our full emotional maturity if we VERY CAREFULLY chose our mate after a "not too short but not too long" courtship. And then stick with that relationship through thick and thin. I think oftentimes we give up too early and easily. That said, we can also choose someone unsuitable and spend years in senseless misery. I felt like my guts were ripped apart with my divorce. I believe that serial monogamy gradually deadens our deepest ability to love with our totality. I propose that it is an unnatural act to separate from those that we love so deeply. At least for me, if there was any way to reconcile with health and safety, I would set aside my pride, other peoples' opinions, and whatever fears I might have to choose to honor that love. Love covers a multitude of sins. I wish I hadn't learned this the hard way. All I can do is move forward every day with a hopeful and forgiving heart that looks for the good but recognized the red flags when I see them. Every day is unique and unrepeatible, be open to the endless possibilities!

[No1]

You are not over your X. You still want to project your love for your X to the next girl and you havent found a girl worthy of 'her' love and not your love. You partially feel that the next girl you meet will fit a certain criteria acceptable to fill the shoes that your X left you. You must stop doing that. You cant project a love onto someone else. They are their own person with their own thoughts and feelings and soul and you must stop throwing your love and hope it sticks.

Look at the girl as an individual and not as a replacement for your X. You are clearly not over your X and its ovious another girl isnt going to help you get over it. What you need to do (in my opinion) is do what makes you happy. Do you hang out with your friends or play sports or go to the gym? You are not happy with yourself and you are desparately searching for the girl to make you happy. Be happy first, then you can see the girls for who they really are.

[spook]

Well I kinda know I'm not over it, that's my point. But yes you are right, I'm trying to transfer my love for her to someone else. It sucks big style. I still love the girl that broke my heart over a year ago and I wish I didn't.

[yonanz]

Well I kinda know I'm not over it, that's my point. But yes you are right, I'm trying to transfer my love for her to someone else. It sucks big style. I still love the girl that broke my heart over a year ago and I wish I didn't.

 

hey, what i suggest is do little things, baby steps, to start achieving sth for yourself. it may be cooking classes, it maybe language classes, it may be a volunteer work at a children care centre. everytime when someone praise me for handling the kids well, or thanked me for my volunteer service at the centre, and everytime i see the kids smile and laugh and tug at my shirt, i feel a sense of satisfaction. life is and can be beautiful even without her.

 

we need constant movation and little achievements to sustain our happiness. we cant keep doing the same thing and expect things to turn out different. go on creating new memories, new goals, new social circles, new places, new people, new activities, new thoughts. these are the key to replacing the hurtful memories that are still residing in your mind. if ur religious, join the religious group, congregrate and meet with other like minded people.

 

when i talk about goals, i mean setting minigoals along the way in whichever area u are in. for example, if ur in cooking, u can say..ok today im gona master this simple dish. igona learn how to do a nice omeleete. then u move on to probably more complex stuff. then u delve into greater detail and the nitty gritty and the process will be satisfying.

 

and u can even start smaller. ask yourself - honestly - what are your flaws. it can be sth small ranging from lack of punctuality to sth bigger. whatever it is, exmaine yourself and take conscientious step to improve yourself. breakup is a tragedy but in every crisis and tragedy there was always opportuities, and here is the opportunity to improve yourself. read up on self improvelent books and read more about love and r/s, learn from it all and be a better man and a better bf in the future!

 

for me, i am quite laidback in cerain areas, have a tendency to procrastinate, and am always late for apptments. this breakup forced me to take a hard look at myself and made me decide to change. i have not completely overcame thsee flaws, but i am certainly not the one i was before the breakup!

[Up and Down]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm chuckling at the 'go to the gym and get in shape' buzz that most people get in to after a break up! Thing is, I'm a personal trainer lol!!

.

 

Well hopefully you are in shape because not all personal trainers are. If you are working out then good for you, the endorpins will do you good.

 

Do everything else people suggested, i.e. get out of the house be social, find new interests, travel etc.

[JohnTheMan]

spook, i have been going through the exact same scenario for around 10 months. i won't get into the full details but my paraphrase is: HELL.

 

i read about the therapy option and i'll let you know, there is a way. i finished up a contract job a couple months back and was laid off before that. i owe around 1.6k a month in student loans. i CANT afford therapy. however, depending on where you live and your need you can do therapy at a sliding scale. my therapyst is a harvard grad, and he was able to get the center to waive ALL costs for my treatment. Therapy has helped a tremendous amount, and i still have work to do. So there is hope, do some research, you obv. have access to a computer.

 

if therapy is no joy, try looking for meetings that might be a support group. I tried ALanon for codependent issues until i found my therapyst. There is also CODA for the same thing.

 

on a last note, working out has been very theraputic for me as well. at this pt we have to do anything and everything that might give us a fighting chance. working out chemically improves mood and quality of life. salmon oil helpes releave depression. there are a lot of little things we can do to make a big difference.

 

best of luck,

someone in your boat

[JohnTheMan]

just read the personal trainer part, lol

 

working out: √

[sigmond freud]

Ive heard /...that it takes upto half the amount of time spent together...to get fully over it...but really ...do we as caring individuals get over it...i dont know..but we gotta move forward..