sexless relationship

[unhappy_blonde]

Hi everyone,

 

Newbie here, so please be gentle. I'm in a very desperate situation right now, and any advice/opinions/comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

I've been with my other half for 5 years now and been engaged for nearly 3 years. We met when he was 23 and I was 17. Things were going great the first 4 years but over the last year I've found my physical attraction towards him wavering. I didn't think it would be much of a problem at first, but the problems started when I met a guy who was on the same course as me at college. I thought he was very attractive and he started showing an interest in me. I added him on facebook and we exchanged mobile numbers. We started to text each other and flirt and the flirting became heavier and heavier. My fiancé looked through my phone, found the text messages and broke down in tears. He asked me to delete the guy's number off my phone and to stop texting him. I did.

 

It took me a couple of months to forget about the guy, but recently he started texting me again and my sexual feelings for him started to flood back. I'm very ashamed to say it, but I actually arranged for us to stay in a hotel room together to have sex, but it didn't materialise in the end.

 

So, the problem is that I'm not physically attracted to my fiancé anymore, but he's still very much attracted to me. I don't think we've had sex in 4 months. I've lied and said that my sex drive has decreased because of stress and other factors, but the excuse is running thin now and my fiancé suspects that I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. The thing is, he tells me that I'm the only thing he has in his life right now, and to lose me would be unbearable. When his last relationship ended, he took it very badly and tried to commit suicide, so I'm reluctant to tell him the truth in case he tried again.

 

The weight of this lie is becoming unbearable for me, and I'm sure the situation is very hard for him to deal with.

 

I really don't know what to do right now. Do I tell him the truth or keep on living a lie?

 

Sorry for the lengthy post. Thanks for reading it.

[teabee]

Welcome to ENA

 

How is the rest of your relationship with your fiance? I'm wondering if your lack of sexual interest in him is linked to other aspects of the relationship.

 

His comments about how losing you would be unbearable make me think that he senses things are wrong between the 2 of you (the lack of sex for 4 months being one great big hint) and he is struggling to keep you at his side.

[Speranza]

When his last relationship ended, he took it very badly and tried to commit suicide, so I'm reluctant to tell him the truth in case he tried again.

 

I've just posted somewhere else, this is NOT a reason to stay with someone. Imagine in fifty years, telling someone, "I knew we were wrong fifty years ago, and we've hardly had sex in all this time - but I didn't want him to kill hmself..."

 

This sounds harsh but YOU matter too. And I'm afraid people who use suicide to manipulate other people are playing a stupid, immature and dangerous game. If they succeed, it is nobody's fault but their own. (And yes, even if they are severely depressed, which he may be, this is no reason to give in to that).

[unhappy_blonde]

hi

Thank you for replying.

I think everything else is fine, we still connect, have the same sense of humour and I still enjoy spending time with him. We went away over the last bank holiday and I had a lovely time.

He has suspected that there is something wrong for a while but I know he wouldn't cheat on me. The reason being we both were cheated on in previous relationships. If that's the case though why did I think about someone else.

The old saying is that a person may look elsewhere if there's problems in a relationship, but I didn't think I was the type of person to do that.

In hindsight I don't think I could have gone through with having sex with that other guy, it wouldn't have been right.

I guess in a way I wanted to see if my sexual feelings were still there, and if it is because I am bored with my relationship and not just me.

I don't know why this has happened, I didn't want it to.

Another thing is we got engaged about two years ago but my feelings on marriage have changed. It feels sometimes that I'm not ready for commitment, we've spoke about it and he said that he would be always be there for me and just because we are engaged doesn't stop me going out with friends etc, and that he'll wait until I'm ready

Its took me a long time to tell him because I was scared to hurt him, I wonder now if I waited to long.

I said I would try and makes things work because I do love him, he's my world but I'm scared.

This morning I got a text off my boyfriend, he has booked a hotel for us over the weekend the same one as we stayed in when we first met. He can't afford it but I know he wants to try and fix things.

Do you think I should go or make an excuse?

I feel really strange as I so want my sexual feelings to come back because I still love him

 

Helen

[unhappy_blonde]

hi

Yes I see your point.

He has said recently though that he wouldn't do anything and even gave me the opportunity to leave if I wanted to, but I declined.

I do still love him and want to be with him but the sexual feelings aren't there. I don't think anything else has changed though.

Although I am a person who would rather be in a relationship than not I'm not scared to leave if I don't believe in it anymore, but I do or would like to think I do.

This is why I'm confused.

[Speranza]

Sexual feelings ARE confusing - they can vanish and rekindle, so my thought is maybe you ought to go... however I wouldn't say I'm the best person to advise on that, so perhaps others will chip in.

 

Love is so hard... you may still love him but not be 'IN love'... maybe you could see this as one last chance to know for sure?

[OntheWire]

You should tell him to cancel the hotel and then tell him you're not attracted to him anymore. The attraction doesn't just come back unless there's a big change in the other person, and people don't just dramatically change over night. Usually people have to be out of relationships and on their own to make any changes worthwhile.

 

I wouldn't keep up these false pretenses any longer. It's not going to lead anywhere good.

[unhappy_blonde]

I'm not sure what to do really.

The thing is i don't think he has to change because he hasn't done anything wrong. Its the main reason why I want to try and fight for it.

I don't want to feel like I've thrown the towel in and regret it later.

We have a holiday booked in June and we decided to try up to the holiday and see what happens. it will either make or break then relationship.

At least then we'll know we tried everything and hopefully remain as friends which I would very much like as he is a wonderful, caring, loyal, person who doesn't deserve to be hurt.

[Speranza]

I think as long as he knows that you have doubts and want to see if you CAN make it work, then you are not leading him on - well, not in a nasty way. He needs to know exactly where you're up to and not have false hope. And it's weird how we CAN have feelings again. I'm not saying you will. But I remember at least twice in a long marriage thinking I would never have feelings again, and being overwhelmed by love.

 

At least this way you will know for sure I guess.

[greywolf]

If my boyfriend told me that I was the only thing he had in his life and that being without me would be unbearable, I'd lose a lot of attraction for him too. =/

 

Honestly, I think it would be best for him if he learned to be on his own for awhile. He doesn't sound like a very happy individual and depending on other people to be happy is not doing him any good.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You actually did cheat on your boyfriend...you had an emotional affair with someone and went so far as to set the stage for physical cheating. Although it may not have materialized, you still went through many of the steps which got you to the point of being almost ready to have sex with someone else. I wonder if your attraction to him is gone simply because you don't want to be tied down anymore and you want to explore other opportunities to date. While I agree that his emotional blackmail is uncalled for, I wouldn't totally blame him for all of this. You strayed, you got caught, your fiancé was devastated because you cheated on him...then after all that, you cheated on him again with the same guy. Given that he has already been cheated on in the past, by you cheating on him you have opened up old wounds for him so I don't totally blame him for getting panicked. I think you need to decide if you have what it takes to be faithful to him or if you want to see what else is out there. If you are not ready to settle down with him and will aways be wondering what it is like to be courted by other men then you need to break up with him so that he can find someone who will be loyal to him and will love him and have physical passion for him. You are young and perhaps not ready to settle down yet...I am not much of a believer that it is a necessity for young people to sow their wild oats...I think it is entirely possible for men and women to marry and be happy without having sampled others...but many people today feel like having tons of experience is the way to go...perhaps you are feeling hemmed in and want other experiences with men before settling down. Something to think about.

[BIGIDFSH]

I'm wondering if your age could have a lot to do with what is happening in your relationship. You said you've been with him since you were 17 and it's been 5 years? A lot of growing up can happen between 17 and 22. You are probably growing up and growing apart. Your lives are changing but not in the same direction. I don't doubt you have love for him, but is it fair to him to stay with him? Doesn't he deserve someone who is in love with him and finds him sexually attractive? Yes he'll be heart broken at first but how do you think he'd feel if you cheat on him and he finds out? He'll recover, we all do. It's not likely the attraction will come back. Besides you're too young to be getting married Best of luck to you both

[mmmd]

you don't love him nearly as much as you say you do.

 

and he's probably a bit of a wuss, so it's hard to stay attracted to a guy like that.

 

just end the relationship.

[sidehop]

Go with him this weekend and talk to him.

 

If you want to workout this relationship then look back and find out together what can be done to bring the spark back. Do you think you too became too comfortable with each other? Things became a routine?

 

Until the relationship between you and your boyfriend is resolved, don't look outside for hope and change. It will only consume you and confuse your feelings not to mention it's very unfair for your boyfriend.

 

If for any reason that the relationship cannot be saved in the end, be honest. Rather than lying to him or coming up with excuses. It's the worst thing you can do.

[Capricorn3]

The weight of this lie is becoming unbearable for me, and I'm sure the situation is very hard for him to deal with.

 

I really don't know what to do right now. Do I tell him the truth or keep on living a lie?

The truth is always the best route to take, no matter how painful it might be. Also, if it's just not working anymore (which seems to be the case for you), then you should make a clean break as it's unfair to both of you to carry on with something that's just not working. Whatever you do, do NOT go ahead with any wedding plans.

 

I say tell the truth, that it's not working for you anymore and make a clean break. Living a lie will only bring you both down and mess up your entire future. Not fair to either of you.

[unhappy_blonde]

hi

That's what I hope will happen, that is my feelings will come back. I am also not sure at the moment.

He is still the same person I fell in love with, although I might have changed. I don't want to believe this is the reason why I feel the way I do.

When I look at him I still find him attractive so don't understand why things aren't happening.

A lot of people have given me their opinions and most point to leaving the relationship but I'm not sure I can do it as he's been in my life so long and he's done nothing wrong.

 

He only gets upset because he was cheated on in a previous relationship so in that respect I know were he is coming from.

He is usually a confident, hard working hard but has made me his whole world although he does still go out with friends etc.

For a few more weeks I am prepared to try, at least then we'll both know for sure.

[geekgirl4]

You can't use the excuse of knowing him for so long and that he hasn't done anything wrong as an excuse to sweet the problem under the rug. What is love to you?