waveseer Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 This isn't about others, it's about me and you. I've spent a great deal of time on here reading and talking about other people and now it's time for us to talk about how our relationships have given us insight into who we are, who we've been, and who we would like to be. Who I've been in relationships: I start out my relationships (any kind) as lighthearted and friendly. At some point if the relationship lasts long enough or reaches a deep enough level I begin to really care about the other person. Almost invariably when I get my feelings hurt (which will happen in any relationship) I swallow it hoping it will go away. The next time I might try to address it, but often I have discounted my own feelings. Eventually I will say something, but again often the way I communicate doesn't reflect the degree of how I'm feeling. Many times this has misled the other person into thinking that the mountain is really a molehill and they needn't worry about it. From my viewpoint they are acting as if they don't care when the truth is that I haven't been completely honest with them and then blamed them for not being mind readers. The times this process has escalated I become so uncomfortable (read hurt and angry) that I simply write them off. The only people I could never do this to are my immediate family, everyone else is expendable. Who I am in relationships now: I haven't established any new relationships lately so I have nothing to go on here. Who I would like to be in relationships: I would like to honor myself more, communicate better, be more realistic, and less sensitive. I would like to leave unhealthy relationships sooner (like before I get attached) rather than later. I would like to develop relationships which are balanced and mutually beneficial, and I would like to stop running away when things get tough. I would like to value myself and others highly. How about you? Link to comment
big greg Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 I don't have any real relationship experience so I don't know, but I wish more people were able to analyze theirselves and find what they want in relationships like you are. Link to comment
waveseer Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 I don't have any real relationship experience so I don't know, but I wish more people were able to analyze theirselves and find what they want in relationships like you are. Thank you. Friendships and family relationships count too. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 In relationships, I tend to be the nurturing one, or the one who tries to "mother" people. I get really weird and nervous if people try to "mother" me. In a way, caring for people and being there for them is my way of "controlling" the relationship. I tend to pick people who are not right for me, at the end. I have a hard time letting go. I have a hard time finding relationships. When I do, I really do try to make it work, even if it means twisting myself into a pretzel. Link to comment
waveseer Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 In relationships, I tend to be the nurturing one, or the one who tries to "mother" people. I get really weird and nervous if people try to "mother" me. In a way, caring for people and being there for them is my way of "controlling" the relationship. I tend to pick people who are not right for me, at the end. I have a hard time letting go. I have a hard time finding relationships. When I do, I really do try to make it work, even if it means twisting myself into a pretzel. Nicely done, rw. Who would you like to be in your relationships? Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 Nicely done, rw. Who would you like to be in your relationships? I would like to be able to let go of dating/relationship situations where I know it is going nowhere. I have a very hard time letting go of anything and will cling to the very end. Link to comment
waveseer Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 I would like to be able to let go of dating/relationship situations where I know it is going nowhere. I have a very hard time letting go of anything and will cling to the very end. Once I fall into the reactive trap I find it very difficult to evaluate the viability of the relationship. My judgment is rendered ineffective by my emotional states. Link to comment
MissMacaroni Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 I've learned that I expect my partner to give me a sense of belonging and identity when I should have these things for myself first! Link to comment
waveseer Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 I've learned that I expect my partner to give me a sense of belonging and identity when I should have these things for myself first! Very good point, MM. I have the sense of belonging and a strong identity until I lose them by not being true to myself when I choose not to express my feelings out of fear of being discounted, disrespected, or discarded. Link to comment
dragon lady Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 Who I've been in relationships: I went into my first relationship with extreme optimism. I gave him every little bit of love I had in my heart. I wanted it to work out so badly. In the end, his multitude of bad habits (drinking, drugs, gambling, abuse) ate away at my self-esteem because I was giving so much and getting nothing in return. My next relationship began with extreme pessimism. He was a beautiful, wonderful human being and I was reckless with his feelings. He gave everything and I gave nothing beyond what was required to sustain a very unhealthy relationship. The tables had turned. I was an emotional mess going into the next relationship and I could see that I was going to cause of a lot harm to myself and him, so I broke it off very quickly. Who I am in relationships now: After almost 2 years of singledom, I entered my current relationship very cautiously. It is much healthier than any other I've been in, but I still see a pattern of push and pull. It is VERY difficult for me to break free from this. However, I do find myself becoming more accepting of the idea of deserving love and trying to reciprocate. Sometimes I have to just take a few deep breaths and let myself flow with the tide. Who I would like to be in relationships: I would like to be less critical of him, less insecure about myself and more romantic. I want to be able to lift the fear and truly feel myself falling in love without any resistance. I want to stop being so closed up. It's going to take time and I hope he is patient enough to stick around. Link to comment
waveseer Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 You know yourself well, dl. Just keep breathing, you have everything you need for a successful relationship (and a relationship can be healthy and successful and still not last forever). Link to comment
faithful14 Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 Things I have learned about myself from relationships: -Spending time for myself is crucial -The only person I should depend on for my happiness is ME, not my significant other - I should let the little things go and not stress about it so much Link to comment
dragon lady Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 You know yourself well, dl. Just keep breathing, you have everything you need for a successful relationship (and a relationship can be healthy and successful and still not last forever). Thanks waveseer. I'm getting there. The best thing I did was take that 2 years off to get my feet back on the ground. I'm trying not to think in terms of forever actually. It seems to work better for me if I take it one day at a time. The future is too scary! Link to comment
petite Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 - We both need to keep our friends and spend time with them. - Time alone does not mean the relationship wont work. If anything it's beneficial. - We don't always have to tell each other every single little thing. - We do NOT need to keep tabs on each other, or better yet I do not need access to his emails/facebook. - Not everyone cheats, but those that do can control it. - If he is going to cheat, there is nothing I can do to stop him. NOTHING! - For a relationship to work we both have to be mentally healthy and happy. - We both have to be 100% honest. No questions about it. - We don't have to text every hour or two. - Saying I love you once or twice a day is ENOUGH. We don't have to say it every 30 minutes. - I learned I can love a lot, more than I thought I ever could. - I forgive too easily. - I need to stand up for myself MORE and respect myself way more than I have in the past. - Talk it out instead of fighting/yelling - communicate. - Give each other space after a fight, it will help both clear our minds and we can discuss the issue at hand at a later time when we're both a little more calmer. Link to comment
waveseer Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 Things I have learned about myself from relationships: -Spending time for myself is crucial -The only person I should depend on for my happiness is ME, not my significant other - I should let the little things go and not stress about it so much The bolded sentence above is worth it's weight in GOLD! Link to comment
waveseer Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 Thanks waveseer. I'm getting there. The best thing I did was take that 2 years off to get my feet back on the ground. I'm trying not to think in terms of forever actually. It seems to work better for me if I take it one day at a time. The future is too scary! One day at a time is an excellent perspective to pursue. In the past I've tended toward wanting to know what's coming instead of enjoying what is (which is also due to fear - of the unknown). Link to comment
waveseer Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 This is a great list. I take it you were joined at the hip in a past relationship? Link to comment
petite Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 This is a great list. I take it you were joined at the hip in a past relationship? That is one way of looking at it. We both gave up a lot, sometimes because one or the other wanted it and other times it just happened by itself. We definitely both made a lot of mistakes. I know I regret a lot of mine, can't speak for him though. Link to comment
waveseer Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 That is one way of looking at it. We both gave up a lot, sometimes because one or the other wanted it and other times it just happened by itself. We definitely both made a lot of mistakes. I know I regret a lot of mine, can't speak for him though. I've been intoxicated by relationships in the past (and that caused the over focusing) which in my experience can only lead to the worst hangover imaginable. Link to comment
Lamour detruit Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 Honesty is key in all relationships. Trust is required as a building block. I am notoriously bad in sharing how I feel, but improving as a learning process. I am stubborn. I greatly enjoy spoiling someone. I am very affectionate, and will take any chance to cuddle or kiss. I am happiest when having someone to share this life with, and have no problem settling down, even at a young age. I am really playful, and enjoy expressing that. I guess I also learned that I am rather boyish, no matter how much I say I look manly, I still have a lot to learn in this world. Link to comment
waveseer Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 Honesty is key in all relationships. Trust is required as a building block. I am notoriously bad in sharing how I feel, but improving as a learning process. I am stubborn. I greatly enjoy spoiling someone. I am very affectionate, and will take any chance to cuddle or kiss. I am happiest when having someone to share this life with, and have no problem settling down, even at a young age. I am really playful, and enjoy expressing that. I guess I also learned that I am rather boyish, no matter how much I say I look manly, I still have a lot to learn in this world. You may still have a lot to learn, but you are way ahead of the curve already. Self awareness and improving yourself are huge steps in the right direction. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 I tend to be the nurturing one, or the one who tries to "mother" people. In a way, caring for people and being there for them is my way of "controlling" the relationship. I have a hard time letting go. I have a very hard time letting go of anything and will cling to the very end. I really do try to make it work, even if it means twisting myself into a pretzel. Ren, when reading the parts in bold, do you think this is perhaps due to not wanting to be alone, (don't know if this is the case), or just general insecurity? Do you think it's possible that the "mothering, controlling, clinging to the very end" etc etc are the very things which are likely to end a relationship? Link to comment
Reilly2856 Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 What I've learned... I tend to give too much in any relationship. As a result, I expect the other person to also put as much as I give. Unfortunately, that does not always happen. So, I feel quite let down by people. Overtime, I feel like my faith in people is waning. I'm far more pessimistic about the future of a potential relationship then I use to be. Link to comment
waveseer Posted April 13, 2010 Author Share Posted April 13, 2010 What I've learned... I tend to give too much in any relationship. As a result, I expect the other person to also put as much as I give. Unfortunately, that does not always happen. So, I feel quite let down by people. Overtime, I feel like my faith in people is waning. I'm far more pessimistic about the future of a potential relationship then I use to be. My experience has taught me that rather than give less I need to choose more wisely to whom I give. Although, the give till it hurts thing is still really unhealthy for me even with someone who is reciprocating. Link to comment
EQIQ Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 To keep being myself and not let somebody else become the center of my life. The second that happens I become a needy/insecure 5 year old boy that loses himself in the relationship. So I learned I need to keep my feet on the ground and keep a grasp of who I am, and maintain my focus/confidence. Link to comment
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