Commitment-phobic? Or something deeper?

[The Wheel]

Started dating a girl about three months ago. Things went well. We clicked, started seeing each other more, eventually had the exclusivity talk (her choice), began hanging out with each other's circles of friends, and so forth. In short, we were doing the normal early-couple thing. I was content to take things slow and feel it out. There was no rush to start making it too serious, too soon. Sure, I began to feel those deeper feelings beginning to bud, but it was something that could wait for when it was right.

 

Or not.

 

Within the span of a couple days, the girl--who by all rights was really quite sane and normal--appeared to freak out and started spouting the odd line of "I'm not feeling what I should be after three months and I don't think that I will." This seemed rather dissonant considering days earlier she eager to talk about how great I was and how happy I made her. I calmly talked to her about how insane this sounded while she wept at the dinner table. I left it with a "Call me if you want to see me again."

 

Four or five days later. I received this rather, well, awful email. I'll edit it down to get it to the core points.

 

You are an amazing guy...funny, smart, attractive and so incredibly sweet and thoughtful. Ultimately though, there's just something missing for me...the spark or romantic chemistry or whatever you want to call it...I'm sorry to be so brutally honest, but I just don't want you to get the wrong impression of the situation...to think that you did something wrong or that I was leading you on in any way, because that's definitley not the case...Sorry to take the * * * * * route and write an email, but it was really hard talking about it on Monday and I just couldn't bring myself to call.

 

Er. What? Apart from the insult of not doing this in person, I really can't figure out what in the bloody hell happened. No romantic spark? Please. That's something we all know early on. And even if that was the case, what the hell was with all the nice words and sweet gestures just days earlier?

 

It's not that this was such a serious relationship that I'm devastated by the loss, but more like I'm bewildered because it seemed to have been going in a good direction and then splat!

 

Frankly, I'm disinclined to even reply. Either this girl never had any interest and more or less faked it, or has absolutely freaked out about a commitment I had never even pushed. Yeah, I'm lucky to get out now rather than later, but it left me deeply puzzled and disappointed that something that seemed so good had gone so bad.

[abitbroken]

I am responding to the fact that we only have one side of the story - so here goes..

 

Maybe she was comparing to how she felt to past relationships where she had whirlwind/swept off her feet feeling really quickly and when things moved at a different pace she didn't think there was a spark or perhaps she was expecting more of a declaration from you. Not sure. But from the side of the story we have here, it doesn't seem that you "did" anything wrong - it sounded like the relationship was progressing at what it should be for three months, friends and family come into the picture - getting to know one another, etc.

 

In addition, however - if she was confused and upset and you told her that she or her feelings were "insane" = i can see why she chose the email route. No one likes to hear that what they are feeling is insane when they are vulnerable. So maybe bad word choice - When someone tells someone they are thinking something insane, they feel cut down.Putting yourself out there is tough.

[Nixee]

Ok..... from someone who is actually IN this girl's shoes, or something similar to, from the sounds of things... I will try to shed what light I can... or at least offer my two cents.

 

I think she was just being honest with you.

 

While it may have seemed strange for her to do this being that she was the one to bring up the exclusivity talk in the first place... and since she was trying to be happy and nice and all of that before, my explanation is this: she was trying very hard to feel something for you that she just couldn't.

 

You say "That's something we all know early on".... well... for you, maybe, yes. For some of us it can become cloudy.

 

Or.... we can like someone a bit, and REALLY like them logically - their traits... nice, neat, religion, politics, interests, whatever... and it all then becomes a bit confusing. We end up wanting it develop further. And sometimes... it doesn't. Sometimes that thing you "just know" early on can suddenly turn into you "just know"ing that it is never going to work out.

 

It sucks. It is the reminder that no matter how many romantic notions there are out there about "two becoming one" in love... relationships are still very much two separate people, and you can be moving at two separate paces.

 

 

All that said... it sucks and it was lame of her to do it in email. At the very least in phone so you could talk back... in person is best.

 

Commitment phobic though? I don't know... maybe she has walls/guards up and it is hard for her to connect on that level... it is possible. It is hard for me. But I doubt it. I think it is too easy and convenient to just label things like that. She tried to force things is more likely. Doesn't matter if you put pressure on her... she put it on herself.

[The Wheel]

A curious predicament to be sure. I've never encountered a girl who ever gave me the "I don't feel anything for you" line. Certainly I've had the chemistry fail to materialize, but that was after a date or two--not twenty two. Perhaps she was exceedingly honest, perhaps not. I suppose there's just no knowing.

 

I appreciate the thoughts for what they are. The frustration stems from simply not having learned anything from this. If there is nothing that I could have done better then what do I take away from it? That sometimes someone will, well, pretend to be really into something when it's actually lacking?

[marshmlofluff]

I had this, more or less, happen to me after dating the guy much longer. He told me (by phone) that there was no chemistry, no spark, that we were very different people, that he didn't love me, that it was like when Jerry Seinfeld dumps women for no reason; they hold their fork wrong or whatever.

 

I still don't really understand. I think that breakup was among the hardest of my life, simply because I didn't really understand and never really did, and was totally blindsided.

 

I suppose sometimes maybe the person finds you are good on paper, and logically thinks you would make a good partner. Yet on an intuitive/emotional level, something about you just bothers them or doesn't feel quite like a fit. Maybe even they can't put a finger on what exactly it is.

 

So they try to ignore it for a while because logically they think you are a nice person, and they genuinely do want a relationship with someone--but somehow something just doesn't feel right to them. Eventually (often when the two of you are about to up the commitment?) the feeling becomes overwhelming, and they bolt.

 

It could very well be that they have their own commitment and intimacy issues. Or...it could be that the two of you just weren't a fit. It's hard to know.

 

Were there any red flags earlier that you can see in retrospect?

[Gabo]

To the OP.

 

Look, a couple months ago I just experience something pretty similar.

 

For me, we had a little over 2 pretty good months, then a month of her totally flaking, followed by me finally confronting her about it and getting the same response about there "not being a spark", although she also did herself bring up that she had commitment issues. There were a few elements in my case, just as yours, that didn't quite add up to there just "not being a spark". 1) There were some times during the first two months where it seemed pretty damn clear that there was a spark, 2) She made, what were in retrospect some very concerning statements about her past relationships and how relationships always ended up in people getting hurt and 3) the way she acted towards me turned very abruptly, and it occurred right after we finally had a serious hookup.

 

Maybe she was just trying to force it the whole time, but I don't know.... there were a few moments I'm pretty sure she felt it too, followed by other moments where I felt that she was at war with herself. My own guess is that, as Nixee allowed as a possibility, commitment phobia made this girl put her guard up and didn't allow her to connect, or develop deeper feelings, and I think it could be the same in your case.

 

I cut off contact with this girl, and I suggest you do too. I'd consider starting over again only if she indicated to me that she had really addressed her commitment issue, otherwise I think it would be an endless cycle of hot-and-cold.

[marshmlofluff]

although she also did herself say that she hadn't been able to commit to someone since her last boyfriend (which was a couple years ago). However, there were a few elements in my case, just as yours, that didn't quite add up. 1) There were some times during the first two months where it seemed pretty damn clear that there was a spark, 2) She made, what were in retrospect some very concerning statements about her past relationships and how relationships always ended up in people getting hurt

 

Come to think of it, my ex was very similar. He always made statements about how one shouldn't trust people too much, and romance was the business of pain...he was worried about getting hurt or hurting me. He was terrified to kiss me on the first date and had never slept with a woman.

 

He had left some very nice women 13 years ago because the relationship got too serious and he wasn't ready for marriage, but he said now he was 39 and really ready to commit. He was afraid of the life changes coming at him, but his desire outweighed his fear.

 

So in retrospect all these things were big waving red flags. I guess I just took him at face value when he said he loved me and could see marrying me, and didn't recognize all the red flags that he was a commitmentphobe.

 

So in the end yes I believe that in the end, he didn't feel "the spark," but sometimes I think not feeling "the spark" has more to do with someone's deeper issues than the relationship itself. I think--although I am not sure--that someone who is emotionally at a place for a relationship typically will do the work to get a spark going.

[Nixee]

To be honest... though I say yes... I am in this girl's shoes right now (as I am... I am currently about 3 months into a relationship.. trying to slow things down for someone who feels more for me than I do for him and build up my feelings), I have also been in your shoes too, and I get it... it IS confusing.

 

No matter what, from your end it is going to seem confusing. If they agree to go out with you, kiss you, even sleep with you perchance... it would seem they are "feeling it" too right? Well... no. Sometimes they just really WANT to feel it. Sometimes they are feeling flickers of "it" in waves, and they just like the rest of you so much.... feel a great friendship and hope the rest comes.

 

But yes... it may very well have to do with her deeper issues. In my case it most certainly does. But either way, your answer is very simply that she wasn't feeling what she needed to be feeling.... and it wasn't your fault. She tried, and she had to let it go.

[Gabo]

So in the end yes I believe that in the end, he didn't feel "the spark," but sometimes I think not feeling "the spark" has more to do with someone's deeper issues than the relationship itself. I think--although I am not sure--that someone who is emotionally at a place for a relationship typically will do the work to get a spark going.

 

I think I agree with this too (although also not 100% sure ). It seems to me that there is a difference between someone who is in an emotional situation where they are looking for reasons for a relationship to work, and someone who is in a state where they are looking for reasons for a relationship not to work.

[Ms Darcy]

No matter what, from your end it is going to seem confusing. If they agree to go out with you, kiss you, even sleep with you perchance... it would seem they are "feeling it" too right? Well... no. Sometimes they just really WANT to feel it. Sometimes they are feeling flickers of "it" in waves, and they just like the rest of you so much.... feel a great friendship and hope the rest comes.

 

I think your pride is hurt, and that is understandable but you really need to accept what is happening here. You are actually getting honesty and trying to scrape it into something else to save your ego isn't going to suit you.

 

I think when you say this:

No romantic spark? Please. That's something we all know early on. And even if that was the case, what the hell was with all the nice words and sweet gestures just days earlier?

you have to remember that what you feel isn't always what they feel. That's why people get blindsided all the time, especially early on. It sounds like what Nixee says, she tried to feel it. What's with all the nice words ... trying to talk yourself into those feelings. Really. It happens all the time.

[waterbu3]

I recently had something semi-similar happen to me with a girl i ended up talking to for about a month.

 

Quick back story is we work together and after me and my ex broke up she started showing interest. Figured I would give it a shot and see where this could potentially end up going.

 

While working with her and the early stages of the relationship I got to know a little bit about some of her past. Her father abandoned her when she was young and it is an extremely touchy subject for her in general still. Her and her mother really never saw eye to eye while growing up though things are getting better now.

 

Past relationships with other guys that I never was able to get her to open up about but gathered most of the ended up pretty badly for one reason or another. This got her to be under the impression that all relationships are bound to fail for one reason or another. Obviously if you have the mind set that it will fail well of course its going to fail. Needless to say some red flags went up but she was an extremely fun person to be around and really was something I was looking for so i stuck around.

 

Things were going great for a couple of weeks and things were starting to get more serious as time went on as it usually does. Then this weekend she texted me late at night saying shes sorry and im amazing and one of the few Mr. Rights but she doesnt have a connection with me. After a couple of texts she also tells me she believes shes as not nearly worth as much as I am and shes doomed to date other worthless people.

 

Because i wasnt sure what to think about this I did some searching around for others cases that sounded a lot like what I just went through. I ended up stumbling accross a website.

 

abandonment. net/abando.anon.html (remove the space)

 

Now I am NOT saying this is what happened in your case. It could be exactly like Nixee said or could of been something completely different. But at least being aware of it might shed some light on it and of course knowledge you can use for the future.

[Ms Darcy]

I recently had something semi-similar happen to me with a girl i ended up talking to for about a month.

 

Because i wasnt sure what to think about this I did some searching around for others cases that sounded a lot like what I just went through. I ended up stumbling accross a website.

 

abandonment. net/abando.anon.html (remove the space)

 

Now I am NOT saying this is what happened in your case. It could be exactly like Nixee said or could of been something completely different. But at least being aware of it might shed some light on it and of course knowledge you can use for the future.

 

I think the earlier a dating situation peters out, the more likely they just weren't that into it. It hurts the ego because you want to know what's wrong with her, but sometimes that's the truth.

[marshmlofluff]

I think I agree with this too (although also not 100% sure ). It seems to me that there is a difference between someone who is in an emotional situation where they are looking for reasons for a relationship to work, and someone who is in a state where they are looking for reasons for a relationship not to work.

 

Well put!