Live in MIL issues

[amipushy]

It's up to your husband to deal with this. You will soon have your own family so he needs to tell her that everything has changed now the baby is coming. Surely this wasn't a permanent arrangement anyhow?

[DN]

The problem is that he is going to portrayed as the guy who evicted his mother and threw her out on the street because his wife made him. This is not as simple as telling her she has to move and everything will be OK.

[amipushy]

The problem is that he is going to portrayed as the guy who evicted his mother and threw her out on the street because his wife made him. This is not as simple as telling her she has to move and everything will be OK.

 

 

A proper sit down with respectful conversation explaining that they are entering a new era in their lives and would like to begin that new family as man and wife with their new baby shouldn't be too hard for her to understand.

 

And besides, she's got money in the bank, she wont be on the street and from what the OP says things arent so great for her there either anyhow.

[annie24]

i really don't think that things will be all that easy. has the husband talked to her about her paying some rent or pulling her share a bit?

[DN]

Well, the OP doesn't know how much money there is. Don't forget that this is asking for a change in living arrangements for a house that has a 'granny-flat' attached so it's going to be difficult to persuade her that she is in the way without explaining why. And the OP's husband is not on the same page at the moment about requiring his mother to leave. So she is going to place him squarely in between herself and her mother-in-law and that is equivalent to being between a rock and a hard place.

 

People seem to see this as a problem with both a simple and easy solution - i.e. tell hubby what to do. And that is easy and simple for everyone except him. He may not get along with his mother but she is still his mother and that makes things way more complicated emotionally and socially for him than for anyone else. And making someone choose between a parent and a partner is not wise - for in scenarios like that often end up with families in tatters.

[Seraphim]

It wont be any better though when his wife moves out with his daughter in a few years because she can not take his mother anymore. Sometimes people just have to get off the pot and make a decision which he obviously does not want to make. It may be forced upon him one way or another. Make his mom all mad or make his pregnant wife all mad.....hmmmm

[amipushy]

Then what do you suggest DN, they all live unhappily ever after not to hurt her feelings?

[DN]

No, I didn't say that. I already posted with some advice about how to start this process. But what I am suggesting is that for a wife to simply say "tell your mother to move out because I don't like her" isn't wise and if she were even to suggest that she might leave with their child as a way to blackmail him into doing it would be unconscionable.

[Applewhite]

It wont be any better though when his wife moves out with his daughter in a few years because she can not take his mother anymore. Sometimes people just have to get off the pot and make a decision which he obviously does not want to make. It may be forced upon him one way or another. Make his mom all mad or make his pregnant wife all mad.....hmmmm

 

This point of view is very realistic and wise. I think restating that the situation is hard and doesn't have an easy solution is not very productive and not very helpful to the OP. I also want to ad that non of the posters have suggested the situation is easy, or that there exists a one step solution.

 

What many people have suggested is communication, diplomacy and making sure that the husband and wife are on the same page. More than anything it is important that they TALK and share all of their own concerns with each other openly. They will fight this together as a couple. There is a problem, and both are aware of it from what I understand from the OP. This is a good start.

 

this is what marriage is all about. They have to learn to communicate and to effectively solve their common problems. They must get through this as a union. To do this, they must find a common ground and make sacrifices to find a mutual agreement that both parties can agree to. In order for this, both parties must first UNDERSTAND how each views the situation, respect the other person, and reach to a mutual agreement that is fair, feasible and practical taking into consideration everyone who is involved.

 

Before doing ANYTHING they must make sure they discussed every possible scenario, and agreed on what to do in any case (even the very nasty and undesirable outcomes). If necessary they must have many many many discussions, until a final and complete plan of action is ready that they both agree on.

[DN]

And, as a matter of interest, my elderly mother-in-law did live with my wife and I for some time and I do understand how difficult it can be.

[LilyJane]

Since the MIL has already shown a dislike for you, why not say something to her directly?

 

Tell her that you left your own family to get away from the issues that she is now creating herself, that the house that you all live in is partially yours, and if she continues this, she will be unwelcome.

[Applewhite]

Since the MIL has already shown a dislike for you, why not say something to her directly?

 

Tell her that you left your own family to get away from the issues that she is now creating herself, that the house that you all live in is partially yours, and if she continues this, she will be unwelcome.

 

I don't see how this will help the situation. I CAN see how this will harm the situation.

 

It is important to not be impulsive in this situation. And make sure any action is planned together with the partner and any action is not an individual action, but a well thought out and agreed on plan by OP and her husband as a team.

[Seraphim]

No, I didn't say that. I already posted with some advice about how to start this process. But what I am suggesting is that for a wife to simply say "tell your mother to move out because I don't like her" isn't wise and if she were even to suggest that she might leave with their child as a way to blackmail him into doing it would be unconscionable.

 

I am not talking about blackmail. I am talking about when she can not stand the living conditons another second and leaves. Seriously she says she is crying about this issue all the time. It wont take long till she is so mad she walks. It may take a few years, but it happens all the time and it is not blackmail, it is a statement of I can not take this crap another minute.

[DN]

I am not talking about blackmail. I am talking about when she can not stand the living conditons another second and leaves. Seriously she says she is crying about this issue all the time. It wont take long till she is so mad she walks. It may take a few years, but it happens all the time and it is not blackmail, it is a statement of I can not take this crap another minute.

Then she should deal with it in a way that is least disruptive - and not, as people seem to be suggesting - by making it all her husband's job to evict his mother. As I suggested before, start by doing some research as to what alternatives may be available so she can show she is working on a workable solution instead of making this a war no one will win.

[Seraphim]

Then she should deal with it in a way that is least disruptive - and not, as people seem to be suggesting - by making it all her husband's job to evict his mother. As I suggested before, start by doing some research as to what alternatives may be available so she can show she is working on a workable solution instead of making this a war no one will win.

 

I am sure she will, but some people make it no win. You can only be responsible for your own actions. If the mother in law refuses to be reasonable and continues to play on her son's emotions and he falls for it then what? She has to be ready for that scenario too.

[Applewhite]

I am sure she will, but some people make it no win. You can only be responsible for your own actions. If the mother in law refuses to be reasonable and continues to play on her son's emotions and he falls for it then what? She has to be ready for that scenario too.

 

That is why the complete plan of action is important. This should be discussed between OP and husband prior to it happening. And they should together reach to a conclusion as to what they should do in the unlikely event that this is what happens.

 

I am NOT implying this is easy. This will be a rather difficult and tricky conversation to have...

 

....in sickness and in health, through bad and good, till death do us part etc etc. This is what marriage is about...right?

[DN]

I am sure she will, but some people make it no win. You can only be responsible for your own actions. If the mother in law refuses to be reasonable and continues to play on her son's emotions and he falls for it then what? She has to be ready for that scenario too.

There is a less drastic solution than splitting up the family.

 

Put the house up for sale and move to one without a granny suite. Give the reason as more suitable for a growing family with small children, or bigger yard, or better schools or whatever.

[Seraphim]

That is why the complete plan of action is important. This should be discussed between OP and husband prior to it happening. And they should together reach to a conclusion as to what they should do in the unlikely event that this is what happens.

 

I am NOT implying this is easy. This will be a rather difficult and tricky conversation to have...

 

....in sickness and in health, through bad and good, till death do us part etc etc. This is what marriage is about...right?

 

Yes. Exactly.

[Seraphim]

There is a less drastic solution than splitting up the family.

 

Put the house up for sale and move to one without a granny suite. Give the reason as more suitable for a growing family with small children, or bigger yard, or better schools or whatever.

 

That could be a solution if it is possible. Sounds to me however the mother is going to feel put out no matter what the solution is other than what SHE wants and the son knows it. So stuck in the middle he is just letting it ride till becomes a breaking point as they have had this discussion what seems to be more than a few times.

[DN]

Provided research is done as to her alternatives and she is going to be OK physically and financially then it is a way of avoiding the dreaded "I think you're a witch" scenario.

[Seraphim]

Provided research is done as to her alternatives and she is going to be OK physically and financially then it is a way of avoiding the dreaded "I think you're a witch" scenario.

 

Well, she may get the I think you're a witch scenario regardless. But why is it not the mother's responsibility to find another living arrangement? I mean she is a big girl.

[DN]

Because she doesn't want to move. Why make this more difficult than it already is?

[mandyc]

Couldn't you and your husband be the ones to move away? Leave her and the brother in law the house and you two find a 2 bedroom home somewhere, one room for you, one room for your new baby.

[Ac143]

There is a less drastic solution than splitting up the family.

 

Put the house up for sale and move to one without a granny suite. Give the reason as more suitable for a growing family with small children, or bigger yard, or better schools or whatever.

 

We already went to a real estate agent when his mom said she was moving out & we would lose 30K if not more if we tried to sell the house now so that's not an option.

 

I am not going to make my husband pick between me or his mom, but there might be a time where I can't take it anymore like Victoria said...its not very easy living with this woman. She is not "normal" and I know exactly how much she has in the bank...I know she got well over 100K in life insurance & over 200K from the house, the lady can survive for some time without us..and she gets unemployment yet she never offered us ANY help & never once did she thank us for anything we have done for her. If anything she tells us how horrible we are and we use her??? Cmon...gimme a break.

 

I dont know anymore...I know its really hard on my husband cause it would be hard on me if it was the other way around, but I dont know how much more I can take of this & I dont see it getting any better with a baby around. Oh for which she wont take care of...no way. Asking her to watch the baby while I work would be out of the question. I am going to be a stay at home mom because I want to be & because I know she would NEVER help. She just wants to do nothing...that's what she likes.

 

Oh and no we didn't ask for rent yet, but my hubby said he will ask considering I wont be working anymore and baby is coming. We shall see what she says.

[Ac143]

Couldn't you and your husband be the ones to move away? Leave her and the brother in law the house and you two find a 2 bedroom home somewhere, one room for you, one room for your new baby.

 

We can't afford to pay for 2 places....they wont pay the mortgage on the house & we can't get it foreclosed.