Live in MIL issues

[Ac143]

I really need some help, I'm going crazy over here. My MIL moved in with us right before me & hubby got married. We bought a house specifically for all of us to be comfortable in, she has her own MIL suite that is attached to the house - a nicer setup then us!!

 

OK..here is problem number 1. The women drinks wine just about every other day - she also takes tons of pills for health reasons, pain pills - aniexty etc..When she has wine she is just mean or really fake, drives me and hubby up a wall. But she stays in her area a lot of the time so we dont see her drinking (hubby already told her he hates it & doesn't want it in our house)

 

Problem number 2 - she doesn't pay ANY bills, ok so she goes to the grocery store and cooks sometimes BUT we pay close to 4k a month on bills - not one cent from her. She isn't planning on ever going back to work either & I guess expects us to support her?

 

Problem number 3 - My hubby has had arguments with her before about the drinking and her bitterness like every month & NOTHING changes, just last month she said she feels like we walk all over her?? WHAT? ..she lives here free, doesn't clean, does contribute anything really & yet she's complaining? I dont get it she even said she's not crazy about me when they were "talking" & she knew I could hear her....I NEVER did anything to this women, I been nothing but welcoming & I was the one who suggested she move in...man was that a bad idea. So after that I just dont like her & feel she is 2 faced. Now its taking a toll on our marriage cause I can't stand it anymore yet hubby doesnt want to tell his mom to move. Its not like she doesn't have money - she sold her house and made quite a bit. He feels bad cause his father passed away 2yrs ago and she doesn't have anyone besides him and his brother & I use to feel bad too but now its just too much for me to handle.

 

Problem number 4 - Did I mention this woman complains about everything? & Me and hubby never get our alone time either, we always have to somehow entertain her? ugh..

 

We're having our baby girl in June & I dont want this in my house. I'm not sure what to do? Hubby thinks I'm over reacting sometimes, I can't tell him to make her move cause then he will resent me, but I can't live like this My dad drank a lot and I moved because of it NOW its in my house & I dont feel comfortable here !!! HELP! I just feel so alone sometimes cause its "his" family meanwhile I left mine many states away for this??! Am I over reacting? Should I be more understanding??

[Seraphim]

I think the time has come where he has to decide whether he is the care taker for his mother or he wants a family. He can not be responsible for his mother. If you do not want drinking around your baby I think you are very justified. He is also not responsible for paying his mother's bills because she wants to be a "victim of circumstance". Saying all that too she obviously needs some serious help. These kinds of circumstances usually come to a head when people have their own children. I would get it sorted out before your baby comes. Your responsibility is to your daughter not to his mother which I am sure you know, HE has to know that too.

[Ac143]

So I'm not crazy or out of line for wanting her out? I just feel like my pregnancy hormones or whatever are not making me think straight & I'm fighting with him over nothing....IDK anymore. We been fighting all weekend over this & I'm starting to think I SHOULD MOVE OUT. He says he's always in the middle and stuck between a rock & a hard place.

[Bella20]

what the heck? why on earth is she living with you? he can't live with his mother forever, that is crazy. i would be so pissed off!

[Seraphim]

No, I do not think so. I would not have someone who drank all the time on top of medications where you are not supposed to drink around my children. Believe me this will peeve you off more when your daughter is here. What if your daughter needs something but it can not be paid for because you are supporting her? That is hypothetical, I am sure but these things DO happen. Or what if she hurts your daughter accidentally?

[DN]

If she were to move out - where would she go and how would she support herself?

[Ac143]

If she were to move out - where would she go and how would she support herself?

 

I dont know where she would go, but I know the woman has lots of money in her saving from selling her house & his fathers life insurance so she's not broke.

 

Did I mention the BIL who is 26 lives here too and not looking like he's moving out unless she moves out. I swear my life is a mess with this but I'm more worried about her leaving then him..even though he's useless too.

[Seraphim]

I am telling you this will get more ugly. My father's parents EXPECTED my father to help pay for his brothers and sisters after he left home. My father left home at FIFTEEN!My parents after they married gave his parents a $100 a month in 1965!!! That was a hella lot o money then. My mother put a stop to that nonsense when I was born.

[DN]

You can't just expect your husband to throw his mother out in the street without an alternative place to live and where she can either look after herself or be looked after. Even if you were to succeed in that objective it would corrode your relationship. So you need to establish some facts before you proceed further. Remember that at the moment this is what you want - so it is up to you to do some research.

[Seraphim]

You can't just expect your husband to throw his mother out in the street without an alternative place to live and where she can either look after herself or be looked after. Even if you were to succeed in that objective it would corrode your relationship. So you need to establish some facts before you proceed further. Remember that at the moment this is what you want - so it is up to you to do some research.

 

She said though the woman is not destitute but rather being a sponge. I would give her a time limit of when to be out.

[DN]

She said though the woman is not destitute but rather being a sponge. I would give her a time limit of when to be out.

This is something that needs to be handled more carefully than by giving ultimatums and eviction notices.

[Applewhite]

This is something that needs to be handled more carefully than by giving ultimatums and eviction notices.

 

How for instance? I think that *something* has to be done, as it doesn't seem to be a healthy arrangement in the least.

[Seraphim]

This is something that needs to be handled more carefully than by giving ultimatums and eviction notices.

 

Yes, I agree, but it has the potential to be an UGLY mess if she stays too. BOTH ways have the potential to break the couple apart.

 

OP, I really think you both need a very serious heart to heart on this. Personally if it was me she would be going.

[Ac143]

This is something that needs to be handled more carefully than by giving ultimatums and eviction notices.

 

I know this that's why its tearing me apart, I been crying nonstop cause if it was my mother it would be sooo hard to tell her to move out & I put myself in his shoes everytime I think about it. That's why most of the time I been sucking it up and being friendly, but once I heard she isn't fond of me either....I just dont want her here anymore. They are the only family I have and she said I'm not really family! Well she said to him "its only the 3 of us" meaning him, her and his brother.... what am I, trash?? It hurtsssssss

 

This is a lose lose situation for me.

 

- I tell him she needs to move & he will resent me & our marriage might fall apart

 

- She stays, but I'm miserable everyday like I am now & eventually I will blow up I know I will and this will get ugly

 

- I leave & our marriage falls apart.

 

Basically IM SCREWED!

[Seraphim]

You have to do SOMETHING. I think whatever it is you both have to agree, but you have to be worried about you both as a couple and for your baby.

[Applewhite]

I know this that's why its tearing me apart, I been crying nonstop cause if it was my mother it would be sooo hard to tell her to move out & I put myself in his shoes everytime I think about it. That's why most of the time I been sucking it up and being friendly, but once I heard she isn't fond of me either....I just dont want her here anymore. They are the only family I have and she said I'm not really family! It hurtsssssss

 

This is a lose lose situation for me.

 

- I tell him she needs to move & he will resent me & our marriage might fall apart

 

- She stays, but I'm miserable everyday like I am now & eventually I will blow up I know I will and this will get ugly

 

- I leave & our marriage falls apart.

 

Basically IM SCREWED!

 

It certainly seems like a serious discussion is in order. Will he be open and willing to discuss this rationally with you and listen to all of your concerns?

[DN]

Look at:

 

• financial situation
  
• alternative live alone (or with other son) accommodation
  
• depending on age and health - sheltered accommodation
  
• retirement homes
  
• shared accommodation
  
• legal situation - does she have any security of tenure as this is a separate apartment and this was an a greed upon arrangement. You may need legal advice if she refuses to move
  

[Ac143]

Yes, I agree, but it has the potential to be an UGLY mess if she stays too. BOTH ways have the potential to break the couple apart.

 

OP, I really think you both need a very serious heart to heart on this. Personally if it was me she would be going.

 

We do need to have a serious talk, I know & everytime we do we both agree this isn't working with her here....then she is all nice to us again and he changes his mind. IDK what to do anymore. I dont want him to force her out then it will be my fault.

[Ac143]

DH - its not a separate apt, its attached to our house with a hallway connecting to her room/living room and bathroom...she doesn't have a kitchen we share that & no she doesn't have any "legal" rights.

[Seraphim]

I guess he has to understand he is being manipulated by his mother. Easier said than done I know.

[Ac143]

It certainly seems like a serious discussion is in order. Will he be open and willing to discuss this rationally with you and listen to all of your concerns?

 

We have a few times (everytime they fight) which is at least once a month or so...then she ignores us for a week and doesn't leave her room. Then acts like nothing happened.

 

Last time she said she was moving out and then changed her mind & he said to me "this is it, she's out" then they talked and now he says "next time there is no doubt she's out" I just dont know what to say to him to make him understand me! He knows all my concerns, they are his concerns too, but he feels bad telling her to go...

[Applewhite]

First I think you should have a discussion with him (not after a fight, but rather when everything is calm and friendly). Make sure he sees you are calm and rational and also empathetic. First make sure you REALLY have the same priorities and that you are on the same page. Then start discussing what to do about it. For example make a plan of what to do like this;

 

1. Talk together calmly and friendly with his mother (based on your personal conversations you had before this with your hubby), explaining to her how the situation is bothering BOTH of you, and how you would like it and her to change

2. How it might be unhealthy to all live together and how this is affecting your finances and your savings for her future grandchild

3. If non of this works, plan ahead on how to approach her about moving out as soon as possible, where she will move out, talk about how she will plan her finances (you are entitled to this talk with her since you are currently providers for her).

 

A little planning, teamwork and tact is in order. If you get through this with no bruises, you will be stronger as a couple. And with careful planning and diplomacy you CAN get through this.

[Ac143]

Thanks Hike - you would think we could have rational discussions with her! But this woman thinks everyone is out to get her and she will probably never talk to me again IF I were to say something like that to her, that's why I stay out of the discussions. She is a very stubborn lady, that always thinks she is right...we are just kids that know nothing in her eyes.

[annie24]

in other cultures, this is fairly common - that the Mother moves in and family members are supported. i'd say in the west this is less common.

 

just a thought - when the baby comes, will the MIL help out with the baby? if she pulls her weight, it might be actually helpful to have her around. that is, if she is not drinking herself into a stupor.

 

have you guys talked to her about her paying you some rent, bills? seeing if she can clean or cook more often? i agree with DN, before serving the eviction papers, maybe talk about ways to make the living situation more bearable. childcare is not easy to find and it is expensive, so if she can serve in that respect, that would be very good.

[Applewhite]

Thanks Hike - you would think we could have rational discussions with her! But this woman thinks everyone is out to get her and she will probably never talk to me again IF I were to say something like that to her, that's why I stay out of the discussions. She is a very stubborn lady, that always thinks she is right...we are just kids that know nothing in her eyes.

 

This is why you should first go over everything in great detail with your husband. Because of the issue you raise, you should have him do most (if not all) of the talking while you are both there as a MARRIED COUPLE. It is important that he understands the whole situation and you both have an agreed plan of action on how to solve this.