After 6 years, my ex-bf IMs me -- what does it mean?

[AnneFrank123]

Hi,

My ex-bf contacted me about 3 weeks back, and since then we have been talking consistently -- 4-5 days a week, for about 45-60mins each time. Where are we headed?

 

Here is a little background on our story:

 

Dating and Break-Up:

He had broken up with me 6 years ago when we were in high school, after we had dated for 9months. Before dating, we were best friends for a year. The breakup was not messy but emotionally draining. For both of us, it was our first love.

 

Post-Break up -- Present: 6 years!

During the first half of the 6 these years, we have had exactly one phone conversation, and 2-3 IM conversations (all initiated by me and all pleasant but formal). But there has been nothing for the past 2 years.

Also, in these years, he has had a long term (3yrs) relationship with another girl -- they broke up a few months back. He is now single.

And I have had a couple of short term relations but now I am single.

 

Reconnecting:

Recently, I signed onto an IM service that I had not used in years. He was friends with me on that IM service and withing a minute of me signing on, he messaged me!

We talked for an hour that day, and then another hour the next day, and since then we have had conversation, 45-60mins long, almost everyday for the more than 3 weeks now. The conversations have been friendly and polite. General catching up type. But he has asked me about my love life, marriage plans and long term plans ( we are not in the same country right now).

There havent been any specific references to our relationship, all though we have talked about the past in terms of common friends, school memories etc.

 

Question:

Basically, I don't know what to make of this. It is probably too early to tell anything anyway, but Id like to know what other people think. Is it just curiosity on his part? Does he want me back? Does he want to be friends with me?

 

As for me, I am single. I still love him but I am also over him (have been dating others) & have an active eharmony profile

I am asking this because Id love to have him back as a boyfriend so I want him to know I still care, but if he is just looking for friendship I don't want to drive him away because I am OK having him as just a friend.

Tell me what you guys think. Thanks.

[In the Dark]

He want's to see what type of person you have grown to be.

 

He may have been down on his luck since then with the ladies and hopes you still have fond memories of him despite ditching you for what else is out there.

 

Basically.....he still thinks of you, wonders if you are hot still of hotter, and then wants to know what type of person you are now.

A lot changes since school.

[vertigoxo]

Just take it slow with him and just be friends first. Catch up and maybe talk on the phone for once! If he starts to show signs like asking if you're seeing anyone, if you like anyone, or flirts with you, then yeah, he may just want you back.

 

It is a bit too early to tell though, so just take your time!

[alli]

Hard to say... dating 9 months, six years ago is probably long enough to say the first chapter with him is definitely closed. It was so short & everyone changes so much as the years go on, it's almost like you are now different people than you were then.

 

My guess is he might be dabbing his toes in the possibility of maybe starting something up with you. But, like you said you are on different countries right now anyway.

 

Or he might just be catching up. Curious what you've been up to all these years. It's really too soon to tell. Maybe see how the conversations progress. Any chance you will be back in the same country in the future?

 

Right now, I would probably assume it's all platonic, at least for now. If it starts getting flirty it might turn into more!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Too soon to tell. Be careful because if he just got out of a long-term relationship, he may just be looking for someone to fill the void, so he thought he would contact you.

[AnneFrank123]

Thanks a lot for your feedback guys!

I agree with what you guys have to say – wait and watch.

Also, I will be visiting my home country in a few months and then going back for good in a few years or as soon as I can get a good job. He knows all of this. Also, he has already asked about my current relationship status, future plans etc. But there is no flirting from either side.

Now, he changes his screename and status message every day and usually they are on the lines of:

“I really hope not... i really do...”

“Cause maybe it's true that I can't live without you...”

“Is it getting better, or do you feel the same?”

“We'd be running up that hill

(These are all status messages and generally correspond to sad love songs)

Today his screen name was “Ill be waiting” and status message was “All there’s left to do is run”. Initially I thought they were on the same lines as the others, but then I googled the lyrics for the songs and I think may be there were for me!

I mean, he was the one who broke my heart and like the in the second song, we met when we were very young and did sneak around because our parents disapproved; in fact that’s why he broke up.

I know I might be reading too much into things here but still, Id love to know what you guys feel.

Thanks.

Here are the lyrics :

I'll Be Waiting lyrics

 

He broke your heart

He took your soul

You hurt inside

'Cause there's a hole

 

You need some time

To be alone

Then you will find

What you've always known

 

I'm the one who really loves you baby

I've been knocking at your door

 

As long as I'm living

I'll be waiting

As long as I'm breathing

I'll be there

Whenever you call me

I'll be waiting

Whenever you need me

I'll be there

 

I've seen you cry

Into the night

I feel your pain

Can I make it right

I realize there's no end in sight

Yet still I wait

For you to see the light

 

I'm the one who really loves you baby

I can't take it anymore

 

As long as I'm living

I'll be waiting

As long as I'm breathing

I'll be there

Whenever you call me

I'll be waiting

Whenever you need me

I'll be there

 

You are the only one

I've ever known

That makes me feel this way

Girl you are my own

I want to be with you

Until we're old

You've got the love you need right in front of you

Please come home

 

As long as I'm living

I'll be waiting

As long as I'm breathing

I'll be there

Whenever you call me

I'll be waiting

Whenever you need me

I'll be there...

 

Love Story lyrics

Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

We were both young when I first saw you

I close my eyes

And the flashback starts

I'm standing there

On a balcony in summer air

 

See the lights

See the party, the ball gowns

I see you make your way through the crowd

And say hello, little did I know

 

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles

And my daddy said stay away from Juliet

And I was crying on the staircase

Begging you please don't go, and I said

 

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone

I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run

You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess

It's a love story baby just say yes

 

So I sneak out to the garden to see you

We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew

So close your eyes

Escape this town for a little while

 

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter

And my daddy said stay away from Juliet

But you were everything to me

I was begging you please don't go and I said

 

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone

I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run

You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess

It's a love story baby just say yes

 

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel

This love is difficult, but it's real

Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess

It's a love story baby just say yes

Oh oh

 

I got tired of waiting

Wondering if you were ever coming around

My faith in you is fading

When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

 

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone

I keep waiting for you but you never come

Is this in my head? I don't know what to think

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

 

And said, marry me Juliet

You'll never have to be alone

I love you and that's all I really know

I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress

It's a love story baby just say yes

 

Oh, oh, oh, oh

'Cause we were both young when I first saw you

[abitbroken]

I wouldn't overinterpret the song lyrics. I think, honestly, that he saw your name pop up and is taking a good trip down memory lane. I don't think you should read into it any more than that as he is totally unavailable being in a different country. You share some history. And while it might be nice, I would not let this fill your every thought and don't let it interfere with your other relationships.

[AnneFrank123]

Thanks for the reality check, abitbroken.

 

I know reading into song lyrics is a bit too much.. but oh well!

 

Its just that ever since he messaged me, I have found myself split right down the middle. One half is sensible and realistic about it, taking one conversation at a time. But there is another self that is completely taken over by him I know the practicality of it, and yet, I am unable to stop hoping and loving. And I have absolutely lost the ability to put myself out in the dating scene. I was doing the online dating thing, but now have completely lost interest. The profiles are still up, but I dont check messages or write back to people was talking to earlier. I have tried too. But I cant force it anymore.

I think lll probably go back to it when we have been chatting for a while and nothing has come of it, and I have got over the novelty of it all..

 

Or, may be he will come back

 

Would love to know your thoughts.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Don't read into song lyrics and subtle messages. If he wants you he will ask you...just like in Taylor Swift's song...okay, not the ring bit but certainly a person who wants to rekindle a relationship will do much more than send subtle message online.

[AnneFrank123]

Totally agree! Thanks for the advice. Helps me keep a sane head on my shoulders.

 

Does anybody have any ideas about what I could do to keep this going without coming accross as desperate but still doing my bit to re-ignite the flame?

As in, I see him on IM everyday, but we dont talk everyday -- it would be weird after 6 years of almost-nothing.

 

My general rule is to treat him like any other friend. No games. No tricks to forcefully start a conversation.

 

Is this a good idea? Or, are there any pitfalls I should watch out for?

 

Looking forward to your responses!

[BriarRose]

You are in different countries. I'd hang it up. LDR's are hard enough just being in a different state, but different countries?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are in different countries. I'd hang it up. LDR's are hard enough just being in a different state, but different countries?

 

I agree. The further the distance, the harder it is to really get anything going or keep it going. The minute you have to take long plane rides and cross borders to see someone that you are not already in an established relationship with, the harder it is to keep the relationship going.

[AnneFrank123]

Totally agree with you guys regarding distance and cross-continental relationships. Distance was exactly the reason why we broke up in the first place. We were both very young at that time, and my parents did not approve of dating in general -- so, it was an under-the-radar relationship which meant constant sneaking around, and never really getting to spend any quality time with each other. So there is no way, I would repeat that.

 

Plus, like I have said before, I havent met him in person in 6 years! Regardless of all online conversations, I cannot judge what kind of person he is today without actually meeting him in person.

 

So, nothing substantial can happen unless we meet in person, and that wont be for a while.

 

However, in the mean time -- if there is any (semi-)/romantic interest on his side, I want to make the best of it. Meaning, rebuild our friendship, find out how we fit into each other's lives etc. So, that when I am back home, some of the ground work is already done and we can start from a few steps ahead.

In other words, if he is interested, I want him to know that the feeling is mutual (all though ofcourse, conditions apply!) and if its not, I dont want to put myself out there and look like an idiot.

[lonely rose]

If you live in different contries, I think he's just catching up with you even though you had really lengthy conversations. If you lived in the same city, it would have definitely looked like he wanted to be more than friends. I would not keep my hopes high. You sound satisfied with whatever comes your way. Is there a possibility of you two ending up living in the same city? Did you ask him about his plans?

[AnneFrank123]

Thanks for your response, lonely rose. I know I am 3 months late, but I hadnt seen your post earlier.

 

A little update on the scene: We started chatting online around Valentine's Day and 4months later, we are still chatting everyday. Obviously we have come closer and he opens up to me a lot more and we are becoming better friends everyday.

Also, my family is doing business with him and of course, that is one big reason why we talk everyday! And in fact they are also pleased with his work, that we will be working with him on another project right after this one is done

 

As for our plans of living in the same city, unfortunately thats not in our hands. I just finished grad school, and while I am looking for jobs in my home country (and in his city, specifically), I am also looking for jobs in the US and everywhere else. And given the current market, I will have to take the best (might well be the only) offer I get All though, I do plan to settle in my home country in the next 3 years, and he knows that

 

So, we'll see how that works out.

 

And in the meantime, I am still pondering about his feelings for me. 4 months of talking everyday is something. I am just not sure what is that thing? Any ideas? Suggestions?

[AnneFrank123]

Hi everyone,

 

Its been four months since my ex and I started chatting online and I thought this might be a good time for an update:

 

So, four months later, we are still chatting everyday. Obviously we have come closer and he opens up to me a lot more and we are becoming better friends everyday.

Also, my family is doing business with him and of course, that is one big reason why we talk everyday! And in fact they are also pleased with his work, that we will be working with him on another project right after this one is done.

 

We are still on opposite sides of the globe, and I am still looking for jobs in my home country, in the US and everywhere else in the world ;P

 

And in the meantime, I am also still pondering about his feelings for me. 4 months of talking everyday is something. I am just not sure what is that thing? Any ideas? Suggestions?

[Puckdog27]

I dont think there is much to think about. You guys are half a world away for now. BUT it is nice that you guys have reconnected, and if you do hope for more, thats the first step

[AnneFrank123]

Thanks, Puckdog27.

 

I am sure hoping for more, but i guess the question is: Is he also?

[Puckdog27]

Thanks, Puckdog27.

 

I am sure hoping for more, but i guess the question is: Is he also?

 

Only he knows the answer to that question. Being half a world away doesnt help

[AnneFrank123]

I know. And I am trying my best to deal with it. But it is hard, and sometimes (like today) it gets to me.

There are times I have thought of just asking him flat out -- bad idea, i know. On other days, i feel like that until I know for sure when I am going back home, I will just cut off contact with him. Nothing dramatic, no blocking or anythin like that. I just wont sign on to that messenger.

If he has even half an iota of interest, he will email me or send me an offline message. Or maybe he wont. I dont know. Maybe Ill just end of losing whatever little relationship we have built in these months...

[marshmallito]

Are you sure you want to be putting so much time into this friendship? Spending time everyday on someone you can't have at the moment? It would be reducing your time available for other relationships. Definitely, you should reduce the time to a couple of contacts per week. It doesn't have to mean cutting off contact, just tell him you are busy and reduce time signed in to Messenger. (I have had to do that with my long-distance family)

 

This sounds like a fantasy relationship at the moment. That goes for you and for him. It is easy to romanticize someone when you don't have to deal with them face to face. Let alone an old flame. Plus you are helping fill the void after his break up. All commitment and hassle free.

 

I don't think you should be closing yourself off to other opportunities at home.

[AnneFrank123]

Thanks for all your kind words, Marshmallito. I completely agree with you that I shouldnt be closing off opportunities at home.

And even though I didnt plan it to happen, that seems to have been the end result. Before my ex made contact, I was into online dating. And even though, I was speaking to a few guys online, there was no one, who I thought, was serious enough to meet in person. But anyway, i would still search for matches and check my profiles regularly and reply to the occassional emails. However, since my ex has made contact, that has gone down significantly. And again, this is not something I had planned to do. I just dont feel like I am interested in it anymore.

As for real-life socializing, that doesnt happen a lot right now anyway because I am in a transition phase of my life -- living off-campus, with family, in a new city. So, I dont have a social circle here and I have never done the club scene anyway.

All though I am open to meeting new people. Just that it doesnt happen a lot because I am home all day, writing my thesis!

Anyway, I am digressing here.. but like I said before, I do get your point. And it is something I am aware of and I am working on it.

 

There was another thing that you said that I thought was interesting: "This sounds like a fantasy relationship at the moment. That goes for you and for him. It is easy to romanticize someone when you don't have to deal with them face to face. Let alone an old flame. Plus you are helping fill the void after his break up. All commitment and hassle free."

 

I was hoping if you could elaborate a little more on that. I understand the part where I am possibly in a fantasy with my high-school bf (I havent even met the present day guy, and i am probably romanticizing my first love), but could you talk a little more about the part where it is a fantasy relationship for him as well?

What kind of fantasy relationship could it be for him? Fantasy friendship? Fantasy potential-romance?

Also, do you think he is coming to me to fill that void? I mean, he has a lot of friends in his city and many of them are women, some of them single as well. Why me?

 

Look forward to hearing from you!

 

Thanks.

[marshmallito]

AF,

Its based on what I have read here, I don't know either of you.

He may only be willing to commit to friendship with you and still enjoying a fantasy romance with you until something real comes along. Its always nice to imagine there is a love out there even if you can't have it now. Fictional romances are so often separated by circumstance. He might be enjoying that with you now.

Plus while he is indulging in this with you, he doesn't have to think about or feel the pain from his last real relationship. If he is the romantic type, he can redirect that energy from her to you, filling a void. If he's not that type, he still has your affections and attention now to replace hers.

So may be serving as a distraction from the loss and/or filling the void left by his last girl.

[AnneFrank123]

Thanks, M. I see what you are saying. And that puts a lot of things in perspective.

 

Its always good to get a reality check.