It's been more than 20months... what is wrong with me???

[Maranello77]

I don't post too much because I don't feel like I have anything particularly insightful to offer given how messed up I still am... I read the posts often... sometimes they help, sometimes they just make me more depressed.

 

I posted on my situation almost a year ago (ugh, a year ago!)... just search for posts by me if you are so inclined.

 

Here's the bottom line... it's been more than 20 months since we broke up and I'm still a disaster. Tried NC, tried dating, tried moving on, but it just doesn't happen. The line I get from her is r"ight person, wrong time". Whenever you are in a long, fulfilling relationship, and you break up because of life goals, it makes it so hard to move on.

 

Any advice from those of you that suffered for months and years, but now find yourself in a good place? Not that it is necessarily gender dependent, but have any of the women out there found themselves in my ex's shoes? You love the guy, want to pursue your own goals and dreams, but can't figure out how to integrate the two?

[SeaDunkel]

Hmm, the closest situation I have to relate is with one of my very best friends. I met him just as my parents were getting divorced and he was like a breathe of fresh air...it should have been the crappiest summer of my life but because of him it was one of the best-hanging out every night playing video games, chatting on im for hours and hours, making each other laugh...and of course I fell in love with him but never said anything.

 

That fall I went away to spend a year in another country and only saw him once for the next 9 or 10 months. We still emailed and sent letters but I was pining for him that whole time. When I finally came back home he threw me a huge party and we stayed up all night playing games like we used to. Another great summer together, but still just friends.

 

He left for college accross the country that fall, and things got really different. Mainly, he made lots of new friends and got depressed. Around February he called me crying saying that he was gay and couldn't fight it anymore. It was 2 months before anyone else even knew and I was devastated. I still remained his friend but it was hard. He told me details about his dates with other guys and it would break my heart, especially when I heard that they didn't appreciate him-it was so frustrating to see him throwing himself at these guys when I loved him with all my heart.

 

About a year and a half later I planned a trip to fly out and spend a week with him over his spring break. We had fun that week, but I was sad because I knew I wasn't his favorite person in the world anymore. Seeing him give more attention to guys he was interested in more than me kind of gave me a reality check. I went home the next week a little sad but finally ready to move on.

 

Anyway, never dated the guy, never even told him I was in love with him until just recently (and we met 6 years ago and my trip out to see him was 3 now-wow!) but still suffered all the same. We still talk occasionally and it's nice because he's one of those people I can call whenever and we can pick up exactly where we left off. But yeah...it was close to 2 years from when I found out he was gay until I felt ready to move on and it no longer hurt.

 

It's funny because when I told him about my "real" break-up a few months ago, I told him about how I had a really hard time accepting he was gay and he told me how pathetic that was because we never even dated so it'll probably take me about 4 years to get over this guy.

 

It's hard when the break-up isn't because you don't love each other or aren't right for each other, but other stuff is making it impossible. I really don't know what else to tell you.

[atelis]

Any advice from those of you that suffered for months and years, but now find yourself in a good place? Not that it is necessarily gender dependent, but have any of the women out there found themselves in my ex's shoes? You love the guy, want to pursue your own goals and dreams, but can't figure out how to integrate the two?

 

don't think this is unique.......plenty of relationships break up for that reason. It simply means that the two people are at different stages in their lives and hence, not ready for the commitment it takes to keep a strong relationship going.

 

Perhaps you are viewing this the wrong way.......i think perhaps that because the relationship didn't end because of infidelity or abuse etc you perhaps are not accepting that the relationship didn't work. There are a whole host of factors as to why relationships don't work, and each of them is valid.

 

You need to reach acceptance of what is and stop fighting the 'everything was so good, i just don't understand why this has happened'.

[jimmajam]

Although I'm sure the "right person, wrong time" is true, you need to quit using it as an excuse. I am pretty sure a lot of us could use that one and it would be true - my own story included. The problem is you can't live off that reasoning. The thing that matters is - is that it happened and you're not together. Since you're still messed up after 20 months you probably still hold a lot of hope. "Well, if some time passes and she finishes this and I do this and we move here and the moon is full maybe it will be the right time....". It's false hope until it happens and there's no sense in worrying about it until that time comes.

 

You can't heal unless you let yourself heal. No matter the reason or the possibility of getting back together, one thing is true, you need to be happy with yourself and by yourself.

 

If the "right person, wrong time" is true you should be happy. In my opinion if this is the case and there was genuine love there is no reason you can't find your way back together some day. Again though, you can't worry about it or live off it. Just live your life and maybe some day it will happen. If it doesn't i guarantee you'll find happiness by yourself or with someone new.

[Maranello77]

Thanks for the insights, although I have laugh to myself a bit because it was so obvious to you all. I have not accepted that the relationship was broken and, therefore, live my life solely focused on reuniting. I can't seem to shake the false hope... I guess the notion that we won't get back together is harder to deal with than the reality of forging ahead alone.

[EQIQ]

Hey man, weird stuff happens. When I was 16 I was madly in love with this girl, and then rumors started that she was going out with this guy in school, but by then I had moved to Canada, and had no way of finding out the truth. I would question friends, and at least the ones that I had access to pretty much only fed the rumors even more. I questioned her about it (we were kinda dating at the time), she denied everything.

 

So there I was about 10000 kilometers away from her, wanting to not be made a fool of, and not wanting to be unfair with her either. She never explained to me what happened. I was a wreck lol. Took me way over a year to get over it, because we never went NC or anything like that.

 

Well I kinda did for like 6-8 months, because I simply could not stand talking to her anymore. Because every time we talked I would ask her to explain what was going on, and she would tell me that she couldn't explain and that I wouldn't trust her even if she did... I would always be like.. what the......

 

I only really got over her when I went back to Brazil for vacation about 2 years later, and went talk to her, and see if she wanted to try things again, she said no (Ah! btw, I only did this because I did eventually figure out that the rumors were not true... or at least I think not...but who cares, shes a stupid idiot anyway). And then I was like.. alright then no problem (Glad this happened). And from that day on, I was like.. Screw this crap. I was already less attached, and pissed off about the whole thing.. so it was easy after she rejected me. But when the whole problem started it was hell...

[shessofly]

Thanks for the insights, although I have laugh to myself a bit because it was so obvious to you all. I have not accepted that the relationship was broken and, therefore, live my life solely focused on reuniting. I can't seem to shake the false hope... I guess the notion that we won't get back together is harder to deal with than the reality of forging ahead alone.

 

THIS is why you are still a wreck. you have to accept that the relationship is over in order to heal from it. i sat around waiting for reconciliation for almost 2 years. i am so ashamed of that now. what a waste of precious time. once i accepted it for what it was, i was able to move on quite quickly. you need to accept that the relationship is over.

[Maranello77]

Shessofly,

 

Can I ask, how did you finally accept it? Given where I am, I have no doubt I'll hit the two year mark myself...

 

Thanks...

[quirky]

Hey Maranello

 

I obviously don't know how your ex feels do you keep in touch?

I am now 8 months out of the last breakup with my ex (first breakup was September 2008) and I am only now truly accepting that it's over. We became long distance (because of life goals) and it affected the relationship a lot. Things weren't perfect anyway but we had an incredible connection and we felt like home to each other. I have even googled Romantic Obsession to try and understand my feelings.

 

Last week I realised that I really wasn't living any more. That nothing was worth experiencing if he wasn't by my side. The sun was shining, I'd pick a flower and cry. Try on nice dresses and cry. Because I couldn't share it with him. I was usually a confident person so I couldn't understand how the end of this relationship brought me to rock bottom. Like you I was resisting to believe it because I know he suffered with it as well, my ex would call and cry and all sorts. I often thought it'd be easier to know he's an a$$hole and doesn't care. I just simply couldn't fathom it.

 

I realised that no matter what went on I only have the present, not even the future is a guarantee. And that today I had to live. Because he is NOT by my side any more. I DO have to go solo. Otherwise I might as well give up now ya know? That I can't know what life has in store for me and most likely it will be good things if I'm brave and positive. I started making small decisions and taking action. Reminding myself that all I have is the present. I went to IKEA yesterday to buy some stuff and change things around a bit. Sure I was upset thinking of how we wanted the same house but guess what. He wasn't by my side any more. For whatever reason. I have to live my day without him. Don't think too far just think of the next day or week but have as a foundation that you are by yourself now and that for whatever reason it didn't work out. And quite honestly if it was perfect the life goals wouldn't have ruined it because you'd have found a way. You have to consciously trust life that things have turned out like that for a reason and try as much as you can to just live in the moment, it's all we've got.

[shessofly]

well i don't know what your situation is exactly, if you are still in contact, if she's still giving you false hope, etc.

 

unfortunately for me the wake-up call was a picture of his pregnant girlfriend. up to that point i was in so much denial it wasn't even funny. we had barely spoken in over a year, and the only time he reached out was to talk about divorce proceedings.

 

i don't know what it will take for you, but at that point i had to make a decision not to hang on anymore and to ACCEPT that it was over. done. finished. i can't tell you how peaceful i became within myself instantaneously. it was like a storm raging inside me had just suddenly stopped when i gave up. i wasted a lot of time and you are too. i had done all i could do and i had done more than enough.

 

i think for me the fact that he would call me periodically to threaten divorce but then never actually follow through also kept me hanging on. after all, if he was so sure he was through with me why didn't he just file. to this day i still don't know why he wouldn't file, but he sure cooperated with me quickly when i did it. we never even spoke to each other through that short process.

 

accept that it's over and move on. the same amount of time will pass even if she does decide to come back. you may as well spend that time happy.

 

whatever you had or thought you had was good while it lasted but it's over now. time to move on. there are many more ladies out there, waiting to meet you

[Maranello77]

 

accept that it's over and move on. the same amount of time will pass even if she does decide to come back. you may as well spend that time happy.

 

QUOTE]

 

of all the lines, cliches, and bits of advice i've received, that's probably the best i've heard... maybe in time i'll realize it wasn't meant to be and maybe, one day, i might stop hoping, but, until that day comes, i'll try to be happy because the outcome will be the same.

 

i sincerely appreciate everyone taking the time to weigh in... it means quite a bit to me...

[No1]

As Shessofly put it.. You have not accepted it is over.

Bro, you have missed out on the past 20months because why? You are waiting for the day she calls saying "ohhh Im sorry, I want you back?" Tough love here.. You must let her go. You ask for help so here is the advice.

Let her go. Quit holding on. She is gone, she no longer wants to be with you. The relationship is over.. OVER!! Quit thinking about the past, quit thinking about what she once said, what she promised, what did she ever did for you. None of that matters now. Its in your past. Quit thinking what if, What could I have done differently? You lost. Life just happens.

Accept the situation at hand. And the situation is that she is not with you, and you are a single guy who has the X on this pedestal for NO reason what so ever. You have wasted over a year and a half when you could of met someone else. You could of been happier with another girl and altho you are thinking yeah right, there isnt anyone better I am here to say yes there is! Quit thinking of her. I bet you still have pictures of her on your computer you look at daily, probably still have them in your room, waiting for her to come back, you have your emails, text messages, like she never left. Its Denial my friend and you must move on. Its done.

Work on yourself now. If you really want help, if you really truly want to move forward, accept that she is gone. Cry your eyes out if you have to. Yes it hurts to admit that its over, we have all done that. But its step 1..

[Ms Darcy]

I think you have gotten great advice. I would also add that a month or two in therapy might not hurt.

[SighSob]

Acceptance will come when you are ready. I am struggling with letting go too and I am one year+ out of the breakup. Just try to take it easy, you will eventually meet someone else...

[arsenic_n_lace]

It’s almost one year to the day and I feel fine! I no longer cry when I see pictures of him and his girlfriend and I don’t think of him every second of the day anymore. Honestly, sometimes I didn’t think this day would come because I loved him more than anything in the whole world and I never thought I could be with someone else and while I’m still not in a relationship I know that I’m finally ready.

 

It took a long time for me but I did it. You just have to let go, stop thinking about who they were and realize who they are. The minute you two broke up she became a different person, stop viewing your relationship through rose colored glasses and stop putting her up on a pedestal.

 

After you realize that she’s not the same person and you come to terms with the fact that you’re not going to be getting back together anytime soon things will get better. You just need to let go of the past and look to the future! And I know it’s really hard to do but you’re strong! Everything happens for a reason and if it’s meant to be it will be.

 

Live your life for you and be happy!