I Can't Break Down Her Wall

[woww]

So I've known this girl for almost three years now... I've always had feelings for her but she's never supposedly had them for me. I say supposedly because she says we are friends, but we see each other every day for lunch and after our classes are done we spend hours laying down and talking until the early morning on a regular (daily) basis. I can kiss her, hug her, put my arm around her, and we date all the time (even though they aren't "dates"). She cooks full meals for me whenever I'm hungry, and hell, I even buy her stuff, and I even won her a trip around the world. We're practically married. She knows I love her, and we've talked about it a lot and she simply SAYS she has no feelings for me.

 

A year ago or so I had decided to just stop seeing her, because its just a weird friendship-- its literally everything a relationship needs except the part where she says "I love you" (and where I could call her my girlfriend). I made it two months. Think 500 Days of Summer. I swear when I saw that movie that it was me.

 

The thing is, we got back together and became "friends" again. Then she started getting close again, and I told her I still loved her, etc. and its just an endless, killer cycle.

 

Every time we would get close, I could swear on my life that she loved me completely-- it simply COULD NOT BE that she didn't love me. She has a thing where she can't lie to me, even about things she really doesn't want to tell me. Instead she does this thing where she beats around the bush, or simply doesn't answer.

 

Anyway, I decided it wasn't me, it was her, and because I'm so madly in love with her I need to figure out what it is. Now, it seems obvious now but it was hard for me. Number one, she's from South America and is just going to school here. 2) Her mother died when she was 10. This launched her into a sort of rebel teenage years thing (she did a lot of stuff she regretted, stopped believing in God, etc). The country she's in is very violent and the government killing people is not something that is uncommon, and she's lost a lot of friends/family. 3) She came here to pretty much "leave" not just that country, but life in general. Its like she's in a museum looking at people, and that when she leaves nothing changes. 4) She's afraid to trust anyone.

 

Essentially, she's built this emotional wall around herself. I could go into it more but I don't know how many words I'm allowed to post. At some point I brought it up with her, and I basically, successfully, figured her out over a period of time.

 

Now before she left for Christmas, I expressed my feelings to her again, and at some point I asked her if she loved me. She didn't respond, as usual, and I told her what I thought. I said that "deep down, I really think you care about, maybe even love me. You love me way more than you ever wanted to, and it scares you to death". I guess you would have to be there, and you'd have to know her, but she looked scared and her eyes were wide. Her chin was trembling, and she nodded her head very slowly yes. The next day she was out of the country and I had to wait till Christmas was over.

 

Basically, when she came back, everything I had worked towards sort of melted away, because I think she made up her mind. She told me that since I was on co-op her hope was that we'd drift apart. Me: Not happening. We saw each other at least twice a week (she's 30 miles away). It got even worse from there... we'd lay down, legs tangled (no sex-- I'm one of those weird people that doesn't want it so I'm not making excuses) talking about everything.

 

I took her to this show she's wanted to see for years Sunday. Then I told her I couldn't take it anymore, that this was not normal, and that she needs to figure herself out. She could barely contain herself and I'm 100% sure she cried after I left.

 

Since then she hasn't called me, but she probably will within a week. I love her, but she's afraid to fall in love with me. You don't just give up on the love of a lifetime, do you? She's worth more than that to me. What do I do?

 

--

 

I realize after reading this that its extremely abbreviated and almost shallow sounding, but it isn't. If there are any questions on details I'd be happy to answer, but I just need help.

[jettison]

Honestly, you're making something out of something that really isn't there. You can tell another person what they think and how they feel. That goes so far beyond controlling, and it's an absolute romance killer in every way. You know why she loves you? Because it is obvious that she means everything to you, and it is hard for people to give that up.

 

Basically, you are a major part of feeding her ego, a close friend (from her perspective), and someone who is consistent. You are under no obligation, however, to be this way with her, and as long as you keep offering her all this "love", she is going to be hard-pressed to tell you to go away.

 

That whole, "she is scared to show her emotions" thing. Every person thinks that about the person they can't get with. Then, suddenly, something miraculous happens. The person ends up showing all that emotion... To someone else. To someone who gave them space to think their own thoughts and be their own person.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but love is a dance, and you're dancing at her no matter the song playing or whether you even have a willing participant. The dance is interesting enough for her, but she is content to watch on the sidelines as you "show off". The more of a show you put on for her, the less and less likely she is going to be inclined to want to be part of that show.

[tomservo]

Yeah, been there done that.

 

She's already told you she doesn't feel the same way. If she did, you would know. Especially after three years.

 

The best thing for you to do is to drop completely off of her radar and start dating someone else. One of two things will hopefully happen: 1. You'll forget about her and meet someone who likes you as much as you like them 2. You'll forget about her and she'll come back around with a different attitude towards you.

 

Then you can decide if you still want her.

[top bloke]

She is a classical player girl. She loves the attention thats all. Time to move away from this toxic relationship because she knows how you feel and keeps you close to her....You have to realise that she is a dead end and move on.

[nutbrownhare]

Perhaps a better question is why you are persevering so, so hard - telling her how she really feels, trying to 'break down her wall' - with someone who really isn't that into you. If she was, you'd have known by now.

 

Jettison's post is excellent, especially the bit about your behaviour being beyond controlling. Your time would be much better spent in figuring yourself out, rather than figuring her out, or you're likely to spend a whole chunk of your life yearning for something which isn't going to happen - with all the pain and disillusionment that would entail. The only person who can deal with her issues is the girl herself - and that only if she really wants to.

[Momake]

I agree with everyone here. She is using you and getting all the benefits of a boyfriend without the commitment. She does not consider you anything more than a friend. She might "love" you as a friend but that's it.

 

This reminds of Ladder Theory - whether true or not it gives a definition of "Cuddle Witch" (but replace the W with a B) which I strongly suggest you check out.

[WindowTo]

This is why they have to stop making romantic comedies.

[givinggirl]

I hear where you are coming from and you may very well be right about how she feels about you. Sometimes there are things that you just know and you don't need proof of it to know it. I do think you need to back up a little, stop telling her that you love her, stop "dating" when you're not. If she does love you, she needs to do this in her own time and space. It sounds like you are willing to wait around until she does. That is your decision to make. I know what you mean about not wanting to give up on true love when you can feel that it is there. There is no guarantee that she will ever break through her wall that you are talking about. I have no good advice for you, I just wanted you to know that I understand where you are coming from. I understand how badly you want to get through to her, so you can move forward and date for real. I hope that it works out for you in due time.

[DanDee]

Are you sure she's afraid to fall in love with you? Has she actually verbalised this -- or do you think you're jumping to conclusions?

 

One way or another you need to get a concrete answer. It isn't fair on you her knowing how you feel, yet not responding but neither is it fair on her. She needs support at a tough time in her life and as a girl, feeling like some guy's just hanging around because they want a relationship and not friendship isn't nice either. Trust me, I've been there.

 

I do think it's more unfair on you though, considering you've told her your feelings. You need a clear cut answer. I get the feeling she doesn't want anything more, and she's afraid to tell you. To her, once she says this, you may be out of her life completely.

 

But, please remember to put your own sanity first.

[Capricorn3]

She's already told you she doesn't feel the same way. If she did, you would know. Especially after three years..

I agree with the above. After telling her for three years that you have feelings for her, that you love her etc etc and she tells you that she does NOT feel the same, I think it's time that you accept she's really not into you the way you would like her to be, or the way that you believe she is.

 

If a guy has been telling me for three years that he loves me, and I felt the same way about him, I can assure you I would have let him know about it a long long time ago and we would be together as a couple. I can't imagine why any girl would hold off telling you she feels the same way ...... unless of course ........ she's REALLY NOT that into you.

[woww]

Well, everyone, thanks for the advice. I told her I couldn't see her anymore a couple months ago and she completely fell apart and cried. Regardless, I left. I know its typical of women, but this girl is a robot and it caught me by surprise.

 

Recently we got together to talk, and somewhere in the conversation she mentioned that after we had had a really emotional goodbye at the airport before Christmas, she thought we were going to kiss.

 

She also said that she's too afraid to start a relationship with me, because she doesn't think it would end. This is only because I told her I felt used (as my final feelings, not just a spur of the moment "I'm mad at you" thing). Its kind of disorienting hearing that she thinks she would end up marrying me. She just wants to be friends though, still. I was so shocked and not expecting the conversation to go that way that I left, and now I don't know what to do.

 

Again, thanks for all your input. I wrote this here for two reasons: to get real advice on what to do to better my situation, and to get an unbiased opinion. I appreciate real advice, not happy go-lucky optimistic advice. Turns out I happened to be right the whole time though. Great. Still lost the girl.

 

Unless I do something, but I'm fresh out.