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No Second Chance Club


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How many of you here have never gotten a second chance with an ex after being dumped?

 

I'm just curious, because I feel it's completely ignorant and heartless to never give someone you loved a second chance. I cannot imagine dumping someone I was serious about and never looking back to even see if they had put in effort to change or fix the problems. That's me personally even though I've only been the dumper once and I did give my ex a second chance at the time. My most recent relationship has been over for 6 months and she has barely bothered to contact me the last 3 or 4 months so I don't think I'll be getting a second chance and I've accepted it. I realize there are extreme cases where there was physical abuse, mental abuse or maybe just mental scars where things couldn't be worked out.

 

So how about you? Are you in the club? Did you get your second chance?

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I'm just curious, because I feel it's completely ignorant and heartless to never give someone you loved a second chance.

 

So people should go back and be with someone after they've decided they no longer want to be with that person? I don't think that's the right thing to do and certainly doesn't make them ignorant and heartless.

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I told my ex's sister I wanted to marry her sister after she broke up with me, she told me her sister said that I won't ever have a second chance, in her sister's own words, "not a slight chance".

 

It hurts. I messed up though, and I know now I'll never ever mess up like that ever again. Just cause some damn drunk tr*mp kissed me at a club, and I told my ex the next day because I thought it was the right thing to do. But I'd be willing to give people a second chance now because I know genuinely good people mess up too. It bothered me so much I was going to give myself a life sentence and live a life of celibacy to atone for my sin. Maybe I'll go back to my home country and become a Buddhist monk there someday.

 

I think if my ex came back to me, years later, I probably wouldn't be able to be with her again because my heart is obliterated. She walked away from what we had together unscathed it seemed. I couldn't even begin to pick up the pieces of me she shattered.

Oh well, I don't want to start thinking that I will ever have a chance with her again. I've killed all of my hope, she found someone else.

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So people should go back and be with someone after they've decided they no longer want to be with that person? I don't think that's the right thing to do and certainly doesn't make them ignorant and heartless.

 

Well, I guess the way I wrote it I am saying that, but what I'm mean by it is this...

 

I think that if you were honestly in love with someone and cared about them deeply it's ignorant and heartless to at least not look back. I'm not saying they have to go back, but at least be rational and see if things could work out. I see so many stories where they ex just left and never bothered to ever even have a real conversation with that person again.

 

I'm not talking about short term flings or high school bull * * * * . I'm talking about seriously relationships that lasted year(s). Maybe I am being too bold, but I just can't see myself walking away and at least not taking a glance back. Love is suppose to be about forgiving and understanding.

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My most recent relationship has been over for 6 months and she has barely bothered to contact me the last 3 or 4 months so I don't think I'll be getting a second chance and I've accepted it.

 

Just curious,

 

Do you think you deserve a second chance with her?

 

What did you do to make her not want to be with you anymore?

 

Perhaps the answer will be in your reply as to why she wants nothing to do with you?

 

P.S. I am not trying to be mean here at ALL! Just want to know what happened between you two

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H

I'm just curious, because I feel it's completely ignorant and heartless to never give someone you loved a second chance.

 

Then why leave them in the first place? I assume leaving someone means that you have actually decided to... well... leave them.

 

Staying in a relationship means deciding whether you think you can create / maintain a mutually satisfying relationship between the two partners. If you don't think that is possible, then no need to stay together or give second chances.

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I've never had a second chance been given me in my previous relationships and they were all over 1-2 years. I was the dumper and dumpee equally, but when I was the dumper it's usually because they did something to push me away and make me do the dumping.

 

Of course at the time I would have given anything for a second chance or for them to apologize and give me any reason not to dump them. But in hindsight I'm very glad they didn't or else I wouldn't have learned the lessons I did and become who I am. In that sense, I don't really believe immediate second chances will work because I think the pain from a broken relationship is the catalyst to making and forcing people to change and grow (sometimes at a high cost to their innocence, trust, etc). Immediate second chances alleviate that pain so people have less incentive to change and fall back into old patterns that lead to the break up in the first place.

 

Having said that, maybe second chances after a good period of time has passed when it's really a "new" relationship between the same two people rather than a "second" chance could work. The problem with second chances is that someone is giving it and someone is receiving it so the receiver feels pressured to change the giver feels entitled to the change. This could create problems in and of itself. It's better for the change to have happened and the two see if the new selves could work again.

 

Just my two cents.

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I wouldn't use ignorant or heartless as a description for exes who don't want to give second chances. If you are over a relationship/person, you just are. How can you expect someone to give you a second chance when they just aren't into you anymore? I wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't want someone with me who wasn't into me anymore either. If their heart isn't in it, it's just gonna fall apart again anyway, probably with a worse crash than before.

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People don't always break up because one person has issues that need to be worked on. Sometimes you just fall out of love, sometimes it's because people change over time and aren't right for each other anymore...there's not always a need to give a second chance. And personally, if I dumped someone for something they'd done to hurt me, no, I wouldn't feel they deserve a second chance. If you mess up that badly, you should have thought about it beforehand, and if I break up with you it's because I know I deserve better and I'm not going to put myself through it again. You know that saying--fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me?

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I've never broken up with someone at the first sign of problems, but after many many trials to fix whatever was wrong, i.e. the other person and I had multiple chances to make it work till I had to conclude that the relationship wouldn't work. I've also never been broken up by someone out of the blue so I assume the same applied to them.

 

I find it is a sign of a relationship where there is something seriously wrong with the way you are communicating if you need to break up with the person to get them to a point where they are willing to make changes/ compromises/ work on themselves

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How do you know second chances havent already been given? Throughout the course of the relationship? If your partner gripes about things that you do or dont do within the relationship, that right there is your second chance. If they say I dont like when you are late to meet me, that is your second chance to step up and be on time. If you continue to show up late and she leaves you, why would you be worthy of a second chance? When you couldnt do it right when it was brought to your attention?

 

Im not being negative here but we all have given second chances and have received second chances in our LTR's.

 

Why are you upset that she is not looking back. Both the dumper and the dumpee have their own grievances to sort through. Her looking back and reaching out to you to make sure you are okay does not send the right message or help either of your causes. I said this in another thread. Its very hard to be the good and bad guy at the same time. The dumper left. They arent supposed to look back at us to hold our hands. I know we want it because they were there for us in our relationship, but when they ended the relationship, they lose relationship rights as we do.

 

Your ex is thinking about you and probably wonders how you are doing. But she more then likely has her own issues to work through and feels that space is best.

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I bet that most of us are glad we did not get a second chance, see it from the other side of the coin... MOST of the times it is simply not worth it. We are just too blind and hurt to see it right now.

 

Damn it, I love my ex still, but I don't want to get back with her... I deserve better.

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First love dumped me and came back after he found out the grass was not greener. I took him back and then broke up with him because the grass started looking greener to me. I never went back to him, the grasser continued to look greener the further along I went in life, at least for the next couple of years...

 

I got dumped and cheated with lucky #2 and took him back like an idiot. I was still quite young and did some pretty terrible things as well. I then dumped him and I think we got together again briefly before I dumped him again...

 

Third guy was good guy but was on the rebound. He gave me the whole "I'm not ready speech" and so I pled my case and went out on a date the next week and then he changed his tune. I ended up dumping him over some petty stuff. We stayed friends til he got sick and died...

 

Forth guy was much younger and a LDR and he dumped me once, took me back and then dumped me again. I can't say not one bad word about that guy. Stellar!

 

Fifth guy I married and that did not work out at all. Jeckyl and Hyde but my bad for ignoring the red flags. We fought but never broke up until we divorced and ran like hell and never looked back...

 

Sixth guy is my current ex! Of course we broke up once and though I finally ended it, it was a mutual dump. We went a month and got back together (I pursued) and he dumped me again...

 

And now here I am, hanging out with you fine peoples!

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Just curious,

 

Do you think you deserve a second chance with her?

 

What did you do to make her not want to be with you anymore?

 

Perhaps the answer will be in your reply as to why she wants nothing to do with you?

 

P.S. I am not trying to be mean here at ALL! Just want to know what happened between you two

 

S'all good man. I've accepted it all and feeling pretty good these days. This thread is more out of curiosity as my own personal view is that it's pretty harsh to not even entertain the idea a second chance.

 

I won't go into her part of the breakup, but my part was mostly becoming needy/clingy. I treated her great, we had an amazing time, but I went overboard and she felt tied down. I put her before myself way too often and kind of lost my own life. She's in college and wants to enjoy it. I realize I was wrong and I can understand how it made her feel. I wouldn't do it again, but like I said she hasn't even looked back. I'll definitely do a lot better in my next relationship.

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I was going to mention that in the post, but figured I'd leave it open to interpretation. Some people had theirs in the relationship, some are waiting, some have given up.

 

As for the whole second chance during the relationship, that's pretty foggy. I mean you can tell your partner something you don't like all the time, but that doesn't mean you're going to break up over it. I am talking more after once it's done and final - a real break up.

 

The main purpose of this thread was to hear stories of people who never got a real second chance. That being you broke up, were done with each other and you never even tried again. I don't see a ton of successful reconciliations on here that last, but I do see a ton where people try eventually down the road.

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I'm not going to get a second chance where I'm okay with that because I would not go back with my ex. It's taken sometime where I've thought about the relationship a lot and still do. The problems in the relationship she dumped on me where for a long time I believed that. On reflection, the problem was her where I've come to realise I did not mean that much to her based on her actions. They were not the actions of a loving person where I've written about them on here. That hurts a lot because we were together for 4 years where to think I was a stop gap, passing thing (or fling), or whatever really brings me down.

 

That said, I would like a second chance to redress the balance. She's gone around telling colleagues and I guess her friends and family that it was my fault because I would not change for her. I've maintained a dignified silence about it as my family suggests but I think this only confirms in other people's mind that she must be right about me. I'd like to tell them that she was the one who treated me badly and disrespectfully, she was the one who was going to end the relationship if something or someone better came along like fulfilling her dream, and she was the one looking for someone else while we were together. I do want one day to tell her this and get it off my chest once and for all.

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As for the whole second chance during the relationship, that's pretty foggy. I mean you can tell your partner something you don't like all the time, but that doesn't mean you're going to break up over it. I am talking more after once it's done and final - a real break up.

 

 

I simply find this idea interesting ... I think that many people don't really take their partner's concerns seriously while in the relationship, which is very unfortunate.

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S'all good man. I've accepted it all and feeling pretty good these days. This thread is more out of curiosity as my own personal view is that it's pretty harsh to not even entertain the idea a second chance.

 

I won't go into her part of the breakup, but my part was mostly becoming needy/clingy. I treated her great, we had an amazing time, but I went overboard and she felt tied down. I put her before myself way too often and kind of lost my own life. She's in college and wants to enjoy it. I realize I was wrong and I can understand how it made her feel. I wouldn't do it again, but like I said she hasn't even looked back. I'll definitely do a lot better in my next relationship.

 

 

 

That is ALL I needed to know. I can understand why you feel that a second chance would have been in her interest because the type of BF you were to her, was probably AMAZING to say the least!

 

I have been that "GUY" before. The type that would fall flat on his face if he were to ever lose that love in his life. I used to wrap all of my feelings, heart and emotions into whatever relationship that I was in and could not figure out for the life of me as to why I kept losing these women.

 

Everyone single one of them would tell me "You are the best guy in the world and you are going to make some woman VERY happy in the future but I just can not breath when I am with you".

 

It was not until I started to love MYSELF and put myself first that I was successful in my relationships. That was the hardest transformation that I have EVER had to do. It took over a year to get into a lifestyle that was healthy for me AND a significant other.

 

I have learned to give the women that I date a lot of space. The more space they want from me, the busier I become, the more I encourage them to go out with their friends. In all reality.. this has the opposite effect on them. If you let them spread their wings and see what else is out there (outside of their relationship with you), they will ALWAYS come back home... ALWAYS!

 

The reason is, it is not fun for them anymore. They love the way that you are with them and sometimes, it KILLS them that you are able to go out and have so much fun without them whenever they go out with the girls!

 

Just keep doing what you are doing now. Seems like you have become accustomed to having your own life outside a relationship.

 

Here is a little metaphor that I live by..

 

 

Picture yourself as ONE FINE AUTOMOBILE!

 

My automobile is a 1995 Ferrari F-50...

 

This car is beautiful! Sinfully fast! and just flat out gorgeous on the inside and out! (this should be what your life is like!)

 

My "car" makes me happy. It runs really strong as long as I change the oil, maintain the spark plugs/wires and just do whatever it takes to make it "happy". That is my life… its beautiful!........

 

So now its time for my cars "girlfriend"… a TURBO!!!!!!!!!!! Vrrroooooommmmm! Now its super fast! Super Sexy! And just flat out FUN! (this is how a relationship should be! Fun, a little more maintenance because the turbo wears "you" down a little more but it should not be something you dread! No WAY! You should be excited every time you turn that key to start it up (kissing your significant other or even just seeing them should make you a little "wet")

 

And then Uh oh! Your turbo breaks/breaks up, damages your motor/heart, leaks fluid/makes you cry or just dies/leaves you stranded… ALONE!

 

What happens next? Well you take the turbo off/let them go right? Take your car/yourself to the shop/(gym, around friends, around loved ones, around positive people) right? Fix your motor/heart before you try to drive it/jump into another relationship right? And then ultimately build your car back up to its shining glory that it once was and who knows… with time… technology becomes much better and eventually.. You are ready to install a bigger/more mature motor that will make your car much faster than ever before!

 

I know it is a little cheesy but… it’s the best way for me to make sure that I am on track. Even though I am still in a relationship and my turbos are in high RPM… I still find time to take my relationship to the shop and check the following…

 

The knowledge of my turbo- Am I still learning about my GF? Do I know how to get the most out of her? Can I take our relationship to higher speeds or do I risk too much the more I get ambitious?

 

The working order of the rest of my engine- During this time that I have had the turbo.. Have I let the rest of my life go to waste? Have I completely forgotten how much fun I used to have when I was just by myself? No turbo?

 

I can go ON AND ON with metaphors but hear this…

 

NEVER stop learning about your significant other… The day you think you know everything about them, that will be the day that they slowly start drifting away and stop growing with you.

 

Is it that hard to ask them how their day was and really LISTEN to what they say? I don't know about everyone else in this world but I know that I will never take relationships for granted again. They are supposed to continuously grow with excitement and love… they are never meant to "peak". I would like to think that when I am in my death bed, I will have NO regrets! I hope that I can look back on my life with my wife and say "Baby, the day I die… just know, I wanted ONE MORE DAY with you because I can never make my goodbye or thanks to you long or meaningful enough! Thank you for the best ride of my life! I will see you in HEAVEN!"

 

 

Andrew Casias..

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