Roommate and Girlfriend part 3, the saga continues...

[HellFrost666]

I've posted a few times about this ongoing situation with my roommate and my girlfriend.

 

Here's the last thread if anyone is interested:

 

 

Saturday night we all went out and this guy we don't really know came over and sat with us. Everything was fine for a while.

 

She had on this Joseph Vargo shirt... He does some really elaborate Gothic artwork. He did something that was kind of weird, he grabbed her shirt and pulled it a little. The place he grabbed it was by the top of the sleeve. He said he wanted to get a better look at the artwork. He did this a couple times in like ten minutes. None of us really thought anything of it at the time.

 

Now It's going to get a little confusing because I left for the bathroom. So I have to tell this story the way I witnessed it, then I'll go back and fill in the blanks.

 

So I went to the bathroom, It's a one person only bathroom and there were a few people ahead of me so I had to wait a little while. I did my business... Then when I get back to the table there's this shouting match going on between this guy and my roommate. I was still kind of far away from the table, but I could hear what they were saying. My roommate was like "Touch her again *expletive*, I *blanking* dare you." I couldn't really understand what the guy said perfectly, but it was something about taking it outside. I won't go into all the details of what was said after that. There was a lot of cussing and insults back and forth between the two of them. No one ever went outside though. The bar tender came over and threatened to kick us all out if things didn't cool down. So the other guy left.

 

But when I went to the bathroom I guess he started "looking at the artwork." again on her shirt. But it was really obvious that was just a ploy so he could touch her boobs. He did that twice when I left for the bathroom and she told him to stop. Then a minute or so passed and he did it again. That's when the action started.

 

I was glad my roommate was there to stop this guy, at the same time though, I was wishing it would have been me who stopped him.

 

Then yesterday my roommate and I got into this huge argument. My girlfriend wasn't home for most of it.

 

It started out with him pointing out that I complain too much... He told me he's getting tired of hearing it. He said when I worked I complained about work, now that I am not working I complain about not working, and when I still had a relationship with my family I complained about them, now I don't talk to them anymore and I complain about that, etc.

 

It's sad that my girlfriend seems to be driving all these people away from me unintentionally. I feel terrible saying that but that's what's happening. My Mom and sister disowned me because of her. Now there's an obvious rift between him and I because of her. And if him and I part ways it will be like losing family. He's more like my brother then my two brothers are. And up until November him and I never, ever argued about anything. When I lost my job I came home and told him and he went off on me then too.

 

Aside from pointing out how much I complain he also pointed out that I can't keep a job and that I have all these mental issues. My girlfriend was home by then and when he started talking about my mental problems she broke in and was like "Alright, that's enough." And she told him he was really hitting below the belt and she couldn't believe he was saying these things to me.

 

He told us both that he hates this situation all around and that he didn't plan to start having feelings for her and that he would never intentionally do any of this.

 

I don't really think we reached any resolution. I think we all just talked this to death. He was ready to leave though and we talked him out of leaving. All three of our names are on the lease, so I don't think he actually can leave.

 

And there's even more to this story that I want to post here. It's all so complicated. I just want some opinions I guess. Thanks in advance.

[Miss Firecracker]

It looks like you'll need to choose between your friend or your girlfriend now, HellFrost. This is not good, you shouldn't be living with this guy and her since he is clearly in love with her. It's going to blow up in your face.

[hockeyboy]

When is the lease up?

 

Also, I think if you can get someone else to move in, they can take over the lease. I think most landlord would go for that...it's seems much better then a possible domestic dispute breaking out in their place.

[HellFrost666]

since he is clearly in love with her

 

You think? He's never came right out and said how deep these feeling are. I want to think it's just an infatuation, but I am starting to wonder.

[Perfect Dark]

I can't believe you're still friends with him.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

He doesn't seem to have much respect for you, sadly.

[Miss Firecracker]

You think? He's never came right out and said how deep these feeling are. I want to think it's just an infatuation, but I am starting to wonder.

 

He told you he WOULD be with her if you would leave. It makes me wonder if she isn't telling you everything, HF. He seems too confident, don't you think?

[itsallgrand]

Have you talked to your gf about this?

 

It seems a little strange how this love triangle is brewing lately.

 

No disrespect to your gf, but if I knew my guys' good friend had feelings for me I would be putting some serious distance there and making it super clear.

 

Hell, at that incident I would have been cutting in to tell buddy there that it is not his place to be acting all macho on my behalf. That's sort of weird.

[HellFrost666]

He told you he WOULD be with her if you would leave. It makes me wonder if she isn't telling you everything, HF. He seems too confident, don't you think?

 

Well you don't know him. He's pretty cocky about a lot of things.

 

He can say that all he wants. That doesn't mean it's true.

[HellFrost666]

Have you talked to your gf about this?

 

It seems a little strange how this love triangle is brewing lately.

 

No disrespect to your gf, but if I knew my guys' good friend had feelings for me I would be putting some serious distance there and making it super clear.

 

Hell, at that incident I would have been cutting in to tell buddy there that it is not his place to be acting all macho on my behalf. That's sort of weird.

 

That whole thing started when I was in the bathroom. I guess I am kind of conflicted about that. I wish he wouldn't have acted that way, but at the same time I am glad he didn't just sit there and let this guy paw at my girlfriend. She asked him to stop touching her once and he kept doing it, so obviously he needed someone to get nasty with him.

 

She really doesn't do anything to egg him on. She has actually distanced herself from him since this whole thing came out. I know it's hard to imagine distancing oneself from someone who lives in the same house. But she has.

 

Like, they both really like to cook. And before this all started whenever he decided to make something really elaborate, she would always help him chop vegetables and stuff. Now she doesn't do that.

 

They used to play GH together a lot too. That's something else she doesn't do with him anymore unless I am playing too.

[HellFrost666]

When is the lease up?

 

Also, I think if you can get someone else to move in, they can take over the lease. I think most landlord would go for that...it's seems much better then a possible domestic dispute breaking out in their place.

 

The lease will be up for renewal at the end of this year.

[FathomFear]

All things considered I don't think your situation sounds that extreme. It could be much, much worse. As it stands right now you have a roommate who has some level of feelings for your girlfriend. This doesn't necessarily need to deteriorate your relationship with your friend unless you both allow that to happen. You guys likely just need to sit down as a group, blatantly acknowledge and air everything, and just try to move on from it as best you can.

[itsallgrand]

Maybe this is just the way that it becomes apparent that it is time for a big decision to be made and to be parting ways is coming out - - it can be pretty difficult to live with someone so long, be so close, have a pretty great arrangement all around and then to say "this isn't working anymore and it's time to move on" can be tough. So maybe he screwed it down inside and let it build to this (unnecessary drama) but at least understandable considering there are a lot of things to be decided with the house and friendship and all.

 

What do you see for the future? What do you want?

 

It's rough but I don't see a reason why this can't be worked out so that no one is permanently scarred or relationships permanently broken cause of this. It's going to have to be a bunch of negotiating and patience up the ying yang so everyone can figure out a deal so that everyone is happy.

 

But it does seem like a major decision needs to be made.

 

good luck Helly. You can do it. I really hope things work out for you and life's stresses calm down for you already! eh universe, give Hellfrost a break!

[HellFrost666]

All things considered I don't think your situation sounds that extreme. It could be much, much worse. As it stands right now you have a roommate who has some level of feelings for your girlfriend. This doesn't necessarily need to deteriorate your relationship with your friend unless you both allow that to happen. You guys likely just need to sit down as a group, blatantly acknowledge and air everything, and just try to move on from it as best you can.

 

Thank you... I am glad to see someone has some optimism here.

[HellFrost666]

 

good luck Helly. You can do it. I really hope things work out for you and life's stresses calm down for you already! eh universe, give Hellfrost a break!

 

Yea really... This morning I had a job interview that I don't think went particularly well. But I can't even think about that right now because I am too preoccupied with the problems here at home.

 

He's coming home from work soon. This should be interesting...

[renaissancewoman101]

Hey HF, I hope it all works out for you.

 

Maybe you guys moving out is the best thing. That way there is no misunderstanding and no issues and friendships can be kept.

[FathomFear]

Thank you... I am glad to see someone has some optimism here.

 

I would be tempted to approach the conversation bluntly. Sort of like "Hey, we're all human--and as humans sometimes our emotions take over and lead us in directions we didn't expect. We are all good people--and I'm not surprised that some romantic feelings have developed that we didn't anticipate. But we can work these feelings out because we're reasonable adults, and good friends are hard to find in this world so I think we should try our best to do that."

[HellFrost666]

I would be tempted to approach the conversation bluntly. Sort of like "Hey, we're all human--and as humans sometimes our emotions take over and lead us in directions we didn't expect. We are all good people--and I'm not surprised that some romantic feelings have developed that we didn't anticipate. But we can work these feelings out because we're reasonable adults, and good friends are hard to find in this world so I think we should try our best to do that."

 

I am a shy person and it's hard sometimes to articulate myself, especially in awkward situations like this. You've given me something to work with. Thank you.

 

That part about not anticipating this is right. I've known him 14 years. We've lived together for 11 of those years. He's not an underhanded person. He's never stabbed anyone in the back.

 

She lives in the same house with him. He finds her attractive. They have a lot in common. They have the same sense of humor... etc. He hasn't had a girlfriend in a long time (About 5 years now.) I think in his situation most people would develop some kind of feelings.

 

He's never tried anything with her. He's never denied to me that he had feelings for her. I have read some other people's comments here about how he has no respect for me, etc, and I disagree. He's only human after all.

[FathomFear]

She lives in the same house with him. He finds her attractive. They have a lot in common. They have the same sense of humor... etc. He hasn't had a girlfriend in a long time (About 5 years now.) I think in his situation most people would develop some kind of feelings.

 

He's never tried anything with her. He's never denied to me that he had feelings for her. I have read some other people's comments here about how he has no respect for me, etc, and I disagree. He's only human after all.

 

Exactly. I think sometimes people have the tendency to be extremely idealistic when it comes to relationships/monogamy/etc. I don't think it makes any sense to simply end a friendship with someone who has been a loyal friend for years just because he has some unanticipated feelings towards someone who shares a lot in common with him. A much lesser friend would probably have discarded your friendship by hiding his feelings or lying about them, etc, and then acting of them behind your back.

 

I'm confident you guys can work it out.

[drewciouS281]

Yeah, this sounds iffy? You may want to ask your girlfriend and your roomate if there is anything going on that you should know about. Someone cant just develop feelings out of the blue unless there is something coming from the other direction. Thats my opinion at least. Having a girlfriend while living with roomates is a bad situation! i have done it twice and both times my roomates left due to my girlfriends and mine issues, not to mention i felt that one of my roomates had a bit of a crush on my girlfriend. I will never do this situation again!!

[HellFrost666]

Yeah, this sounds iffy? You may want to ask your girlfriend and your roomate if there is anything going on that you should know about. Someone cant just develop feelings out of the blue unless there is something coming from the other direction. Thats my opinion at least. Having a girlfriend while living with roomates is a bad situation! i have done it twice and both times my roomates left due to my girlfriends and mine issues, not to mention i felt that one of my roomates had a bit of a crush on my girlfriend. I will never do this situation again!!

 

I don't think it was out of the blue. I think this happened over some time.

 

Him and I have lived together 11 years. She moved in 4 years ago. Up until now we've never had a problem.

[HellFrost666]

I just wanted to say a little while ago when he came him from work he brought me a 12 pack of Guinness. He told me it was to celebrate my new job and also a peace offering.

 

I told him my interview didn't go very well and he said "Alright then, instead of celebrating we can drown your sorrows."

[Miss Firecracker]

I just wanted to say a little while ago when he came him from work he brought me a 12 pack of Guinness. He told me it was to celebrate my new job and also a peace offering.

 

I told him my interview didn't go very well and he said "Alright then, instead of celebrating we can drown your sorrows."

 

That was nice of him. Hopefully he is halfway jesting about being with your girlfriend. It's hard to tell much by a post here. He sounds ok but frustrated with you, sort of like we all get with each other in my family.

[HellFrost666]

That was nice of him. Hopefully he is halfway jesting about being with your girlfriend. It's hard to tell much by a post here. He sounds ok but frustrated with you, sort of like we all get with each other in my family.

 

I think when he made that comment (he would be with her if I wasn't in the picture) he was pointing out that the night I met her she was unknowingly being set up with him. These two friends introduced us. Him and I met them at the bar one night and they brought her with them because they thought she would really hit it off with him. They didn't tell anyone their intentions though. So they got there, her and I ended up hitting it off, and none of us had any idea until a few months later when these friends of ours told us this.

 

So I think sometimes he starts thinking about the what ifs of the situation.

[Miss Firecracker]

I'm concerned you are connecting all the problems with relationships to your girlfriend. It isn't really her fault if your roommate wants her body. And she didn't cause your problems with your mom and sister really, did she? Isn't she sort of a scapegoat, since they are hurt because you left?