If someone doesn't want to be with you, why do you want to be with him/her?

[hexaemeron]

Let me see if I can rephrase or clarify my confusion here.

 

If you date someone, and then you break up (ostensibly because the end result is "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore"), continuing to try to manipulate the situation or the other person's feelings so they'll somehow magically take you back...

 

Wouldn't this indicate a lack of self-worth or self-esteem? I shouldn't HAVE to convince someone to value my time and attention. If they don't want to, I know that I can go find someone who will very easily. But then, I'm also fairly self-contained and super confident.

 

Is it fear of being alone? Fear that other people will see whatever the ex saw and made them run away? Fear that it was your fault he/she left and if they come back, it really wasn't your fault afterall?

 

That's what I'm trying to get at here.

[fantastic]

True..but be realistic you will find someone else you find equally attractive, or better yet more attractive.

 

I agree, but I'm not on about me personally. I'm just suggesting why perhaps some people may still want to stay with an ex.

[matt_t586]

 

If you've been dumped, you don't want someone who wants nothing to do with you. You want the other version of the someone who left you, the one who loved you to the moon and back and wanted nothing more than to be with you, and you're hoping that the person who left you, whom you don't recognize, turns back into that person you know and love.

 

Thats exactly it! Im hoping that too! Been 2 weeks on sat! 4 days NC!

[Hobbes]

Can I have some clarification on something here please? If you are with someone in a LTR are you 'dating?' I ask because in Europe, even UK - we don't use the term 'dating' - I thought 'dating' was similar to the old 1950s term in UK 'courting' ? You mentioned dating Hex in this post, but a lot of the situations that you are talking about arise after a long term relationship, not dating, as I see the word to mean. Not a dig Hexy, just looking for some answers - bottom line is, what does dating mean?

[Cognitive_Canine]

And that's why NC is the best. You try to move on and they do all the work if they do want you back.

[hexaemeron]

And that's why NC is the best. You try to move on and they do all the work if they do want you back.

 

Okay, but shouldn't people enter into NC in order to move on, and not as a ploy to manipulate the other person? It seems like that's why people are doing it, and not because they want to genuinely move on.

[hexaemeron]

Can I have some clarification on something here please? If you are with someone in a LTR are you 'dating?' I ask because in Europe, even UK - we don't use the term 'dating' - I thought 'dating' was similar to the old 1950s term in UK 'courting' ? You mentioned dating Hex in this post, but a lot of the situations that you are talking about arise after a long term relationship, not dating, as I see the word to mean. Not a dig Hexy, just looking for some answers - bottom line is, what does dating mean?

 

Hmm, in Anglish, it's a little more interchangable, but I see what you mean. I'm speaking more of long-term relationships, Hobbes.

[marshmlofluff]

Let me see if I can rephrase or clarify my confusion here.

 

Is it fear of being alone? Fear that other people will see whatever the ex saw and made them run away? Fear that it was your fault he/she left and if they come back, it really wasn't your fault afterall?

 

That's what I'm trying to get at here.

 

Maybe it is those things, in part.

 

And maybe it is others.

 

Maybe it is that--as someone once wrote--grief is the chill of reaching out for something familiar, and finding that it isn't there. It doesn't matter why the thing was removed; you just want it back.

 

Maybe it is that you feel your life has suddenly been turned upside down and a part of it ripped out. You don't stop to analyze whether the other person was happy or not; all you can think about is that you were happy before and you hurt now, and you think you could make the pain go away if you could just magically put your life back the way it was. So your instincts tell you to bring back the person who left, even if rationally that may not be a good idea.

 

Maybe it is because we have an instinct in us that tells us to be abandoned is to die.

 

So I don't know. I don't know why everyone wants their ex back and engages in schemes like NC for that purpose. I have to admit that some part of me wants my ex back, although should the opportunity ever arise, I believe the more rational part of me would prevail. In the end I think that doing NC or everything you can to get the ex back seems to be a natural reaction that comes from instinct, before your brain eventually takes over and says "dude--the guy was a loser...you dodged a bullet."

[Cognitive_Canine]

Okay, but shouldn't people enter into NC in order to move on, and not as a ploy to manipulate the other person? It seems like that's why people are doing it, and not because they want to genuinely move on.

 

Yes, ideally people should use it to move on. However, the thought that they would eventually come back is something people can't control.

 

Analysis of the brain shows that the parts the regulate connection and feelings of love go through the roof in activity directly after a breakup. So, our mind is telling us that we are more in love that we've ever been and that we need to be with that person. It's one of nature's cruel jokes. Nature didn't design 'break ups' or relationships, we did. So, what is advantageous in nature (your partner is gone, YOU MUST FIND THEM and GET THEM) isn't very good for us.

[hexaemeron]

Yes, ideally people should use it to move on. However, the thought that they would eventually come back is something people can't control.

 

Analysis of the brain shows that the parts the regulate connection and feelings of love go through the roof in activity directly after a breakup. So, our mind is telling us that we are more in love that we've ever been and that we need to be with that person. It's one of nature's cruel jokes. Nature didn't design 'break ups' or relationships, we did. So, what is advantageous in nature (your partner is gone, YOU MUST FIND THEM and GET THEM) isn't very good for us.

 

Oh, gross. I guess the aspie thing insulates me yet again. No ocytocin or vasopressin processing, so no chemical/emotional bonding, so nothing to send into overdrive. No wonder this makes no sense to me.

 

Your explanation, however, makes a great deal of sense, CC. Thank you.

[oldenoughtoknow]

It's a basic part of human nature. And it extends from affairs of the heart, to materialistic possessions, to food, to...you name it. We all want what we can't have. I'm sure you've heard the term, "it's not the having, it's the getting."

 

It's like the spoiled child syndrome. "Daddy, I want a pony!" You'd think the world would end if that kid didn't get a freakin pony. As soon as they get it, they aren't interested anymore. The pony sits in an overpriced stall the rest of his life. It's the exclusive, the untouchable, the unobtainable, that piques our interest.

 

An early economic theorist, Thorstein Veblen, long ago termed the phrase "conspicuous consumption." His theory was in a capitalistic society, having an upper class display their wealth was necessary to keep the middle and lower classes working and striving to be like them. Pathetic, but so true.

 

So simply put, NC ups your value. It makes you more attractive in your ex's eyes, as you are no longer obtainable. You've just raised your stock from a hamburger to a steak, from a Honda to a Ferrari. Sure, it's the best way to put someone out of your mind and move on with your life. But the side benefit of having your ex want you (especially if you want to reconcile) is kind of a backhanded bonus. Go figure.

[jimmajam]

I agree and thought about this myself just today. It makes sense to everyone but us.

 

I imagine it's just the hope that the ex made a mistake or will have a change of heart and everything will be good again. So it almost makes sense, lol.

[unknownme]

Hexaemeron: Like you told me before "Its in our nataure as humans to want something we can't have"

 

((Remember that))

[Rabbitrabbits]

eeep, sorry. I have no idea what happened but it said I rated the thread with one star. I tried it on another thread and you have to click on it, then choose the star then click vote now. I remember doing none of those things so I have absolutely no idea how I did it accidental.

 

Apologies and hopefully someone knows how to undo it.

 

P.S. No it's not my subconscious doing it All I remember doing is clicking subscribe after reading everything

[studentoflaw]

Just a thought...Maybe it's not about wanting someone who doesn't want you back, maybe it's about keeping the flame burning a little just in case you reunite. IE, the door has been shut, just don't lock it. OR, I could be very tired. haha

[SnowFox]

This idea makes sense to me. I've posted something like this on another thread a while back. I don't want a man who doesn't want me. So by definition, my ex is someone I no longer want. His actions (breaking up with me) have now disqualified him from being someone I want. I'm actually at the point where a lot of my positive feelings for my ex have gone away. I see him as foolish for letting me get away. I've lost respect for him.

[kvb10]

I am torn about wanting my ex back. Basically, I know there is -10% chance of it happening... that's right, there's a negative in front of that 10. I wonder if that's what makes me want it even more... guess only time will tell.

 

Although other times, I think about the big picture and know this is for the best. It just sucks losing everything I thought I had... our times together, traveling together, laughing, having someone to share my life with, our plans for the future, her family. I feel like I lost a lot more in this deal. Not only did I lose her but I lost my best friend and her family, which were like my family. Now I am pretty much all alone (I live abroad) with just a couple of my own friends. She still has her circle of friends and her family... I've joined Meetup to meet some new friends and am going to try to land on my feet, but for the moment it's hard not having a support system around me.

 

Anyway... I know I shouldn't be wanting her back because she left me because she is too young and she likes someone else and wants to experience other things... but at the same time I know that is an innocent feeling - if I had never been with anyone else I would also be curious to experience other things. So I guess that is something that keeps me holding on... It was just really bad timing.

 

We broke up 3 weeks ago today, so I know it's still fresh and hoping that with time I will stop wanting her back.

[ex sweatheart]

What if you are the person who broke off the relationship? my ex wanted to stay together and just float along with no ability to commit or even consider doing so.

No willingness to share his life at all, family or friend events a big no no... so i ended it and yet im sitting around wanting to call him... granted out of some weird insecure, not want to be alone thing ... or so i am being told

It would have been a great friend with benefit situation if i was in the place to want that but im not, i want a life with someone not a random couple of hours every now and then, so why am i feeling liek crap and wanting him back ?

[BriarRose]

I see people saying they want to use NC to manipulate a situation so someone will come back.

 

...but why would you want someone who wants nothing to do with you?

This is a great post -

I am good with words, but I cannot find the words to answer this one. I don't know why I pined for so long for someone who wanted nothing to do with me. I think part of the pain for us comes from frustration with ourselves for feeling as we do over someone not deserving of it.

[alcide]

you see because we sometimes love unconditionly to those who don't love us, and you know how hard it is to just walk away.

[Superman87]

I havent read the whole thread, granted, but I want to make a comment with regards to the thread title.

 

Who is to say that the other person does not want to be with you? Just because they ended the relationship, it doesnt necessarily mean they dont want a relationship with you. What it does mean is the current relationship isnt working, for whatever reasons and as a result is broken. Because one partner makes the decision to walk away this does not automatically suggest they do not want to be with you.

 

Some people might struggle to grasp this concept, but it is something I have realised in a number of reconcilliations I have read about. In situations like this, it is understandable for the dumpee to want that person back. More often than not, after a period of self reflection the dumpee can understand how certain issues within the relationship effected their ex-partner and as a result begin working to fix the problems.

 

unfortunately it isnt as straight forward as saying "If they dont want you, why do you want them".

[EQIQ]

Okay, but shouldn't people enter into NC in order to move on, and not as a ploy to manipulate the other person? It seems like that's why people are doing it, and not because they want to genuinely move on.

 

Well, here is what I think of this one.

 

You are playing a game of chess (or whatever), you decide upon a move, and you make it, completely oblivious that it saved your game, and will give you the win down the road.

 

P.S: Even though this is the getting back together forum, I have to agree that most of the times, a solid win would be completely moving on, and finding someone else that fits into our life better. But if our ex wasn't a complete joke of a person, maybe we can consider getting back together a win as well.

 

At the time you made the move, you might have made it without the right idea in mind, but the move itself was correct, and lead you in the right direction.

 

It doesn't really matter why you are making the right move, as long as you do it. Eventually your heart will catch up with your head.

 

I believe that many times people enter NC with the wrong idea, (i.e ex will miss me, come after me, will realize how much they love me, etc). But overtime, through NC we fall back into reality, and are thankful for the move we made, even though we did it for the wrong reasons.

[FirstLove1607308205]

It happened to me.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me because of the distance. Then we got back together once he realized that he'd rather be in a long distance relationship with me than a regular distance relationship with anyone else.

 

I got to test out other guys too and to see what was up with the single crowd. It got rid of my grass is greener syndrome that was slowly developing.

 

How long were you apart before he realized?

[BlueRizla]

To answer the OP.. because you have co-dependency on some level (how much? - is up to you to decide) and have placed all your value on your ex partner and your relationship which consequently identifies you as a person.. one part of a two..not an individual who holds their own self worth. The premise that 'why would you want someone who doesnt want you' is absolutely true. The reaction to that..the hanging on..is fear based. Afraid of the loss of what gives you value as a person. If we could all think about it from a place of self worth, and without fear, nobody would want someone who doesnt want them.

[Cognitive_Canine]

How long were you apart before he realized?

 

5 months. We both saw other people in that time.