Shallowness

[hexaemeron]

Hmm... Yeah, I'm going to say that (and as a gay man, I'm qualified to answer) you're kinda hiding behind your beard-tee and everywhere hair. I realize this is a candid picture, but you don't look entirely "on board" with the grooming.

 

Clothes are another factor. What are you comfortable in? What do you tend to wear out?

 

Do you exfoliate? What cologne do you wear? What detergent do you use in your laundry?

 

This isn't about shallow. I think you've listened to your parents so much that you've simply sort of... given up. Not on love, but on yourself.

 

It's not shallow to desire someone who takes pride in himself. In his accomplishments, in his appearance. Men or women alike.

[Dougie_D]

Hex

You are so right! I've felt that I have failed my parents the day I was born. I was born with poor hearing. My ears still fluctuate time to time. That's why I like to be talking because I can control a conversation. My parents paid for many operations and sometimes I feel bad when my hearing acts up. I'm hard on myself. I used to where hearing aids in elementary. I was made fun everyday up until 7th grade before my major operation. I'm so used to I think I have to make fun of gmyself to feel normalcy.I have always felt that I am never good enough for anything. Been depressed since the first day of my entire school life

[hexaemeron]

Hex

You are so right! I've felt that I have failed my parents the day I was born. I was born with poor hearing. My ears still fluctuate time to time. That's why I like to be talking because I can control a conversation. My parents paid for many operations and sometimes I feel bad when my hearing acts up. I'm hard on myself. I used to where hearing aids in elementary. I was made fun everyday up until 7th grade before my major operation. I'm so used to I think I have to make fun of gmyself to feel normalcy.I have always felt that I am never good enough for anything. Been depressed since the first day of my entire school life

 

It's understandable that as a child, those things would hurt and keep you in a shell. But you're not a child anymore, and you're your own man. You can be whoever you want to be. You have to invest in yourself if you want anyone to ever invest in you too. And a relationship is an investment. Would you want a buy a house that looked beautiful on the inside but looked neglected outside or built on shaky ground?

 

'Course not. You just have to become comfortable with taking true pride in yourself.

[meister]

I think you're way off with complaining that women are shallow. Everyone is shallow to some extent and I''m sure you're very shallow also!

 

I hear you about struggles with women though. I've experienced it also lately and I very seriously think about that maybe I just aged VERY poorly in a span of 5 years haha](*,). I have tried to find the problem but I definitely I don't blame women for this.

 

Bloody frustrating though

[generaldiscord]

Ok, if being "shallow" is putting a lot of value on attributes such as drive, looks, and maturity, what is the opposite? What kind of a woman would you consider "deep"?

 

Someone who doesn't care what her partner looks like, isn't interested in whether he can support himself, and doesn't mind when he acts like a spoiled child? I know a couple women like that, actually. They tend to have ridiculously low self esteem, no long term goals in life, and perfectly shaped eyebrows. You can find these girls at your local drum circle, and they are actually really nice people with some pretty unique ideas of how the world works.

 

Unfortunately, relationships between two such persons don't seem to work. There is a dark and overpowering cycle of depression, neediness, and financial strain, and it ends in at most 2 years.

 

I think it would be better to ask your lady friends for style advice, ask them to be honest, and don't let what they say wound your ego. Start working hard at your career, and not just for the sake of attracting women, but for yourself. Ask yourself, when you feel unattractive or unloveable, if this is REALLY something the entire female population did to you, or whether it is just in your head. There is something very unattractive about guys who complain alot about not getting a girlfriend!

[Theblueman123]

Just be legit and don't be insecure, women absolutely hate men who don't respect themselves, it's a huge turn off. Also women aren't so much "shallow", it's just that people say that usually because they fail to see their own flaws in attractive women.

 

To be honest it has little to do with looks, and a lot to do with attitude.

[JusticeLaw9]

It's all on opinions. You can like whoever it is that you want. I've met many women that would make great partners for someone else but just weren't for me. It doesn't make me shallow because I feel that way.

[LightbulbSun]

Some people are just shallow. You just have to get over it, and realize that not everyone is like that.

[nutz76]

Are most girls so shallow that they wouldn't date a man because they feel embarrassed being around him? Why do a lot of girls say "You would be a great boyfriend," but never seem interested in you? In all honesty, is being considered DATABLE more of a STATUS? It bothers me when women say the guy has to have a career, drive in life, good looking body, etc... The last time I checked, people in high school don't have these qualities but there was no problem with everyone hooking up and having girlfriends.

 

Learn Game. What women logically want and what they respond to are usually two separate things, often in direct contradiction with each other. You sound like a typical beta orbiter that's getting the "lets just be friends" speech by women who tell you they want a guy that does xyz (often describing your own qualities) while running off to get banged by the proverbial "bad boy".

 

You don't have to be a cad, and you can still "be yourself", but you'll need to modify a few things about how you present yourself to stack the odds in your favor.

 

There are really only 3 things you need to master in life to be successful with women:

 

Confidence

Abundance

Ability to sexually escalate

 

Easier said than done, but that's what it all boils down to.

 

Convidence you get through experience. The process of learning to drive a car is a good example. At first you were nervous, but over time you got better and it became no big deal. Interacting with women is the same thing. More practice, more confidence.

 

Abundance means having women in your life besides just family and regular friends. Women need to see you as a sexual being, not just a platonic entity who's there for their own validation or for doing errands.

 

The ability to sexually escalate is one of the hardest aspects to master because of how guys are raised these days. They're too timid and afraid of offending women and often end up walking on egg shells. Most men are far too passive and emasculated as well (eg holding their purse while they shop or as depicted in that Superbowl ad). I forget who said it, but it's totally true:

 

"If men knew what women really thought they'd be 10x more daring".

[Dougie_D]

Confidence --- I can interact with girls easy. I guess I have the confidence already? I'm just lacking that "sex appeal."

 

Abundance --- Yes, I agree that the more women you hang out with the odds are better. I know so many girl acquaintances but I know them through boyfriends. It's harder than you think to know a lot of single girls. EVEN girls don't know that many. A lot of girls stick together. If one thinks your hot, you are in, but if they think otherwise...well, you're out of luck!

 

Ability to sexually escalate --- I'm very confused on this one. Apparently you are definitely born and raised in the south. I can be straight up blunt to women and guys. Sometimes I come off very offensive and have girls tell me I am an a$$hole. One time I told my girl room-mate "I don't like that shirt on you, it makes you ugly." I also come off very dirty too. I have the most dirty jokes of all my friends probably. I have a good balance of being nice, though. Girls in the south get annoyed with NICE guys all the time. Girls from the north are AMAZED when a guy even opens the door for them. Please explain your thoughts on this last one.

 

Also, for all the girls out there. What are the difference in these lines?

 

1. "...and how in the world do you not have girlfriend?" ( right after I tried to give advice on HER boyfriend problem)

2. "...your hair is so messed up now"( she brushes my hair with her hands)...you so need a girlfriend."

[Capricorn3]

You have posted over and over that you act immaturely when out in public- that you crave being the center of attention, and will act like a goofball to get that. Most people (men or women) do not want to date someone that embarrasses them.

^^ I second this post. I've also read some of your posts where you say you are rude and can be rather crude when talking to women etc etc. None of that will win you over and is very unappealing and off-putting.

Also, i think worth mentioning is, if the chemistry is just not there, then it won't happen, no matter how confident you think you are.

[Day_Walker]

I do not think that it is shallow for a person to have standards but the more arbitrary a person' standards are, the more they will seem shallow. Generally, I think people are shallow, most wont admit it but attraction can be a huge factor for people. I also know that attraction is relative to the person (or how they think they look).

[jammin_james61]

Being shallow and having preferences are one in the same thing; one just has less of a stigma attached to it. Also it is wrong to be shallow; while it is human to be shallow, that does not mean it's right.

 

As for confidence, I had some hell of an experience this weekend. I meet a friend of a friend this weekend - he was worldly, smart, funny, stylish and nice - in a word, confident. While he was all those things he did have one flaw: he was ugly. In my mind I didn't think it would matter, because after all, while looks matter, confidence can overcome it (unless horribly disfigured).

 

So, two of my good-looking friends, this guy and myself all went out. I was my usual self, and this guy was the life of the party, making everyone laugh. He made a move on two girls, got shot down twice, but guess who got the girls? The ones with the faces that sat there almost the whole time.

 

In his 23 years of life this friend of a friend has been in a grand total of two short relationships.

 

So to answer your question: Yes a lot of women are that shallow.

[LightbulbSun]

Dougie, as far as looks, I think your haircut could do with some work. Either grow it long, down to your shoulders (like I have), or cut it really short. The 'halfway hair' is not working for you.

 

As far as shallowness, you're a good looking guy, even with the bad hair (and I say that as a straight male), so I think it's more about how you're acting rather than how you look. And I agree with the female posters, if you're telling girls that their shirt makes them ugly, that's really bad, and will make you come off looking like an * * * * * * * . There are some women who like assholes, but most women like good guys.

 

I'm wondering, have you ever been tested for Asperger's? You seem to fit a lot of the traits of an aspie.

[Dougie_D]

Not sure what that is. Asperger's. I like to say what I want to say. Everybody doesn't have to agree what I say. I can sometimes talk in riddles. I can say something but totally mean something else. People who know me long enough can understand it.

I told a girl once, "Your the type of girl that you can bring home to the family. You know, like girlfriend material...just not f^ckbuddy material." I was complementing her!!! I was actually saying "you're not a * * * * !"

[LightbulbSun]

Not sure what that is. Asperger's. I like to say what I want to say. Everybody doesn't have to agree what I say. I can sometimes talk in riddles. I can say something but totally mean something else. People who know me long enough can understand it.

I told a girl once, "Your the type of girl that you can bring home to the family. You know, like girlfriend material...just not f^ckbuddy material." I was complementing her!!! I was actually saying "you're not a * * * * !"

 

But women wouldn't find that a compliment, because you're basically saying:

 

"You would make a great girlfriend, but I wouldn't * * * * you."

 

Why do you think guys get frustrated when they hear "You'd make a great boyfriend", but then they won't date them? They attribute it to their looks. Well, girls are even more crazy when it comes to looks, so basically she saw it as an insult.

 

The "Just not" could have been reversed to "Not just", and it would have had a completely different meaning. It's changing it to what you intended, instead of what you ended up saying (and shooting yourself in the foot.)

 

An Aspie takes everything literally and sometimes blurts out honest stuff that someone would be really offended to hear. And by you saying that you 'want to say what you want to say'....that sounds like Aspergers.

 

I think you should ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist for diagnosis. Aspies can date, but an undiagnosed Aspie is pretty much sunk, unless they're really high functioning (and no offense, but from your description, I don't think you are.)

[Dougie_D]

So if I'm an aspie, I might as well forget trying to find a relationship? Seems like some disorder that can't be cured to me. In all honesty, I only make these certain comments to girls when I'm around other friends. Chances are my friends will say "oh, that's just the way he is." I don't "tease" girls when I'm by myself because I may end up getting punched in the face. I do it, because it's funny to me. Friends tease other friends about things, I just get in my head that I'm already friends with this stranger.

[LightbulbSun]

So if I'm an aspie, I might as well forget trying to find a relationship? Seems like some disorder that can't be cured to me. In all honesty, I only make these certain comments to girls when I'm around other friends. Chances are my friends will say "oh, that's just the way he is." I don't "tease" girls when I'm by myself because I may end up getting punched in the face. I do it, because it's funny to me. Friends tease other friends about things, I just get in my head that I'm already friends with this stranger.

 

Did you read what I wrote? ](*,)

 

I said, that if you're an Aspie, and you're diagnosed, you can manage the condition. Of course you can't be cured, but why you would want to be I don't understand.

 

Albert Einstein was an Aspie, yet he got married and had kids. It's not a dating death sentence. And Asperger people are known for having high mental intelligence, but low social skill intelligence. But if you have Aspergers, and you don't take steps to manage it, you will never get into a relationship. If you do, you could just end up married.

 

Again, it's not your looks. And I feel like this will be my last response to you, because all you want to do is feel sorry for yourself, and not take control of your life.

[Dougie_D]

I really don't think I have that syndrome. I use to wear hearing aids up until 6th grade, but I still have hearing problems time to time. That's why I can be loud, obnoxious, or can seem to have a hard time socializing. Sometimes, when I actually didn't hear someone right, I play it off acting that I wasn't interested.

I've learned to read body language well, but sometimes I can OVER analyze it causing me to read it differently. That's why I prefer women to be blunt with me so I'm NEVER second guessing.

I used to play golf, basketball, tennis, and I tried out to play soccer in high school and made it. (without ever playing soccer in my life) I don't consider myself clumsy.