My (ex)girlfriend says she needs space to think, should I stay away from her friends too?

[tripped]

Things were great between my girlfriend and I until I had to move in with her for a month while I waited for an apartment to open up. Basically there was a mixture of my girlfriend feeling a lack of space, and a guy she used to like came into the picture and started showing her attention. Well she said she got scared and confused, and she doesnt know if she can give me 100% when she has all these feelings swirling around. It's been about two weeks since I have seen her, and about a week and a half since we talked. Last we talked she said she didnt want to say things were completely over, but she needed to get through her midterms and then she would be able to think more clearly. Well, now I'm kinda lost at what to do. I feel betrayed, but cant stop thinking and feeling for her. I know I should just forget about her, but that's not an option right now with how things have been left. She said her midterms end this wednesday, but I dont know when she plans on wanting to talk. I know she has been talking to this other guy, since she has a class with him, but to what capacity I have no idea. I am respecting her wishes to give her space, but at a certain point I have a right to know. Would it be bad to talk to her roommates? I kinda feel like I should talk to them anyway, as I never got to properly thank them for letting me stay at their apartment. Would this come off as a cheap ploy to find out info about my ex? What should I do about this whole situation to get closure, or preferably, get her back?

[LBP]

I wouldn't do it. No matter what your intentions, she will view it as a ploy. This happens a lot. People create their own logic strings, and nothing that others say or do will cause it change. I frequently offer women services and favors out of simple consideration, but the act becomes twisted into a try at woo, even if I make it clear that I already have a girlfriend. I remember during my most hurtful break up, I tried to remain in touch with a few of her friends, but she took it as a sign that I was stalking her.

 

The only action you can take that will have a positive outcome is to keep your distance and perhaps meet a few new girls. This will cause her to evaluate whether or not she can bear losing you. Force her hand, as it were. That way you'll know what's waiting for you. Also, it will open things up for you in the future.

[DN]

If she is interested in this other guy she only needs her space from you so there is room for him. Your best bet is to leave her alone and move on to someone else.

[HeartGoesOn]

It's funny how she's not "scared and confused" when it comes to the other guy.

 

Don't try to stay in her life by staying friends with her roommates, as this will only keep you from moving forward.

[thejigsup]

Nothing good can come from talking to her friends, nothing. You have to either: wait it out or move on. Anything else will blow up in your face.

[JackAfrica]

Basically there was a mixture of my girlfriend feeling a lack of space, and a guy she used to like came into the picture and started showing her attention. Well she said she got scared and confused, and she doesnt know if she can give me 100% when she has all these feelings swirling around.

 

 

All these things above combine to indicate that -

a) She has falling interest level in you.

b) She does not want you around but she still wants you available on her terms.( "I need space" is 'womanspeak' for "Go away until I want you back " )

c) She mainly wants some space from you to make some space for the other guy who is feeding her ego needs.

d) She is not "scared and confused" at all -that is one of the oldest pieces of female BS ever. She knows exactly what she wants - she wants some "new" attention and time with that other guy to figure out whether he is going to be your replacement.

 

You mission is to decide whether YOU are willing to be dangled, manipulated and pushed into the background while she plays this game.

[catfeeder]

[...] Would this come off as a cheap ploy to find out info about my ex? What should I do about this whole situation to get closure, or preferably, get her back?

 

Yes, it would come off that way. I'd step back, put your focus on other things, and leave this alone for a while. You're wound up over it and will come off as too intense. That could blow you out of the water.

 

Nobody is inspired to return to someone who makes them feel like they're in a pressure cooker, and you've been wise to back off. Don't ruin that by going flippy when you can just pull yourself further away--and rescue your sanity, instead.

 

The girl has taken this completely out of your hands, so I'd consider her finished, and behave accordingly. If she ever wants to pull things back together with you, she knows how to reach you. You won't MAKE that happen quicker by starting to pop up or ping her--just the opposite.

[tripped]

Ok, so yes, speaking to the friends would be bad. But what do I do about this dangling possibility at working things out? The last time I talked to her, she said she "needed time" but knew that she didnt want to lose me and that she knew she would if she took too much time. She pretty much made it apparent that she didnt want things to be over, but didnt know how to make them right with the way she was feeling. I dont like the idea of her thinking she can just go and date whoever after saying that things arent completely over between us. Should I make it clear that i am not just going to sit on her backburner? Or should I just assume its over and not speak to her until she speaks to me? And what about little bits of communication? For example, she has tried to have little internet conversations with me some days, but then other days she will ignore me. Should I just act like she doesnt exist, or should I make it known that I still love her?

[DN]

Should I make it clear that i am not just going to sit on her backburner? Or should I just assume its over and not speak to her until she speaks to me?

Yes to both of these. Tell her not to contact you unless she has made up her mind and if you are available you will decide what to do then.

[catfeeder]

Yes to both of these. Tell her not to contact you unless she has made up her mind and if you are available you will decide what to do then.

 

I don't think I'd contact someone who wasn't in contact with me just to say, "Don't contact me."

 

[Correction: I just caught the part where she pings you on occasion--I'd respond to THAT with DN's comment.]

 

You also don't know whether she intends to do as she said and contact you after her exams on Wednesday--so popping out of nowhere to say, "Don't contact me..." is a bit bizarre.

 

I'd just go silent and operate 'as if' she's out of the picture. If you don't hear from her after exams, you'll already be ahead of that because you've quit your expectations. If she surprises you and comes through, you can discuss where she stands--otherwise you'll have closed this chapter.

[tripped]

So basically dont contact her without her contacting me first, because it might seem weird? One thing that is also important to know in this situation is that she still has some of my stuff that she said she would hang on to for now. I cant just let a year go by waiting for her to call me. I'm thinking that if I dont here from her by like Friday, then I'll call to find out exactly whats going on so that I can know if I need to get my things. Does this sound like a good plan? Suggestions?

[JackAfrica]

Hey Tripped.

Women often break up by backing out step by step. They try to dump you in instalments to avoid "the talk" and the drama and emotional fallout that often follows. They hope that somewhere in this slow retreat by them you will take the hint and fade away into the background.

 

"I need space" and "I am so confused" are covert first tactics of withdrawal from the relationship.

 

Oh, indeed she will tell you that she does not want to lose you, but that is to keep you in orbit rather than a statement of genuine affection. Why does she want you in orbit and not just breakup with you ? Because you are still useful to her and her ego. She also wants you as a fallback guy should her main plan to date the other guy fail.

 

I know that this sounds cowardly,and it is, but that is how many women behave.

The trick for guys in this situation is to learn to decode the BS and eject before she plays you.