How do you let go

[lostwife]

After begging and pleading for my husband not to destroy my family,he told me that I am going to have to get it through ny head he doesen't want me anymore. He told me that I am going to have to get a grip and realize he is leaving and there is nothing I can do about it. I do realize all of this, but there is a part of me that just can't believe this is happening. After 22 years how do you just stop loving the person you built a life with. He told me I need to go out and meet someone and get over him. This all just started six weeks ago, now I'm supposed to run out and get a boyfriend. I'm still trying to wake up from this nightmare. Please tell me how to let go, this is killing me, I want to shake him and tell him to snap out of whatever La La land he is in. I know there is someone else and if I could just get through to him that his family is more important than this other women he would stay. God help me I think I am going insane!!!

[iBroken]

Hey Lost,

 

Sorry you are going through this.

 

The fact that there is another women is enough for you to let go. I understand your pain in wondering how someone can so easily discard you and destroy their family but unfortunately, there are people out there quite capable of this.

 

For now, keep busy with the children, friends etc. Distance yourself from your husband. Begin the healing process but dont focus on "Letting go". Focus on you. As you begin to heal and come out of this fog, you will gain a better perspective on things and your marriage. You might come to find that this divorce is needed. You might not. He might realize his mistake and come back, but you need to be in the right frame of mind to deal with that should you ever cross that path.

 

Dont focus on letting go right now - focus on getting through this and coming out stronger in the end

[metafisics]

I'm really sorry for your pain lostwife, I cant begin to imagine how you feel right now and no one else can feel the pain for you. I know there are a lot of constructive things you can do to distract yourself. Begging him to stay is counter-productive and never work. It'll also delay your healing as you are likely to feel even crapier when it doesnt work.

 

Go ahead and grieve, but dont expect the source of your pain to be the source of comfort. Talk to your friends, family and anyone who cares to listen.

 

All the best!

[Raoul]

Its counterintuitive. To 'get through to him', you need to come as close to 'No Contact' (NC) with him as soon as possible. Create a vacuum between you and him. Let him go fully into the life that he says he wants so badly but without you as his safety net and training wheels.

 

No amount of reasoning, begging, pleading, 'shaking him' will work. He needs the 'gift of missing you' and right now.

 

You need this too. Whether he returns to you or not, you need to sever contact with hm and work on you. The usual advice - exercise, individual counseling, focus on litttle things you like, spending time with friends and family (where you focus on the good things in life and not just the breakup) - sound trite. But they do work, but in and accross time.

 

Another site (link removed) that deals with infidelity calls where your husband is 'the fog'. And right now, he (and you) are in the worst of it. He cannot see your relationship because he's wandered off into the fog. And make no mistake, he may never come back.

 

But any hope of coming back lies in cutting him off from you so that he can begin to compare where he is to where he was. Only then can he (and you) begin to see where you'd like to be. Any hope of you moving forward rests in becoming independent of him.

 

Strong relationships involve two individuals committed to each other. It takes two to make them work but only one to break it.

 

You need to re-establish and re-build your life as an independent person. As you do that, you will find your strength. He may (or may not) find that independent person attractive. But you will find you as a better person for your effort whether he does or not.

 

And you don't need to 'go out and get a boyfriend' to do this. That may come. But if it does, it will be on your terms and in your time.

 

That your husband suggested this to you suggests that he's done that for himself. That means that he's trying to validate himself through others. That's a fool's errand. If you're not enough inside, you'll never be enough outside. So don't fall for that trap. In time you may decide that a relationship would add to your life. Until then, focus on you.

 

It is painful and takes time. But 'working on you' it is the surest way to move forward, with or without him.

 

 

Peace & strength,

Raoul

[lavenderdove]

I'm so sorry!!! What a shock for you, and to happen so quickly it is devastating.

 

There is a French term for what has happened to him called 'coup de foudre', which means lightning bolt. It is when someone suddenly gets struck with a new love infatuation which is like getting hit by lightning and they lose all sense of normalcy and reason, and just drop everything, their family, long time wife etc. in order to chase after their infatuation. Really it is like he has lost his mind and sense of reason.

 

When they're in this state, they are really quite single minded in pursuit of the new woman, and everything that preceded that is unimportant and an interference with their pleasure in their own minds. So he is being heartless and callous to you and saying many things that AREN'T true (like he never loved you etc.) just because he is so besotted with his new woman that is all he cares about, and he wants to quickly be free of anything that impedes his new life.

 

So don't go into any deep analysis in your mind of how he could say he never loved you etc., because that is all nonsense and he is in a state of heightened hormones that are making him crazy.

 

Your best bet is to not get sucked into his craziness. You know what is important, even if he doesn't. Remember that you can't forcibly change his mind, and when he's in this state you won't be able to reason with him, so don't even try. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. Get evidence of his infidelity (go to a lawyer to discuss what you need to do), and immediately file for divorce on grounds of infidelity and make sure you ask for child support AND alimony and money to pay for your house and the house etc. He can walk away to chase a fantasy, but don't let him take the rest of your life and stability with him. Many women make the mistake that if they are 'nice' during a divorce and let him have his freedom for cheap and give him assets etc., he will come back. But the reality is, he will just take assets and money that should be yours and spend them on the new woman.

 

So he can leave, but make him accountable for that and make him pay the price for it too. Go to a lawyer and get everything you can in a settlement. He has abandoned you and your children, and he needs to feel the pain from that. If he wants his freedom that much, he can have it, but he shouldn't be able to impoverish you in the process.

 

I know you feel terrible now, but you will go thru the stages of grief with this. The first month or two you will be in shock, but you will snap out of it. Right now, rely emotionally on your family and friends, and the best advice anyone can give you is to get a good lawyer and protect yourself and your assets from his craziness.

 

He may come to his senses later (many do), but in the meantime, don't let him wreck you financially and take your home away in order to chase this fantasy of his.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

he told me that I am going to have to get it through ny head he doesen't want me anymore. He told me that I am going to have to get a grip and realize he is leaving and there is nothing I can do about it.

 

Print this out and remember those words he told you...because over time when he finally comes back down to planet earth and fully understands that he abandoned his wife and alienated his own parents and his own children you can repeat back to him "you are going to have to get it through your head that I don't want you anymore and your parents and children have no respect for you anymore and there is nothing you can do about it". Your time will come...he will get his comeuppance....many people who do what he is doing end up mucking up their lives and regretting their rash decision.

[stormie]

Lostwife, I am so sorry that you're going through this. The same thing happened to me with my husband of 10 years. The pain that you are feeling now is excruciating. There is absolutely nothing that you can do at this point.

 

If you get angry with him (and you will) and you show it, he will be convinced he's made the right choice.

 

If you beg him to stay, you will only inflate his ego.

 

 

I got over my pain in a non-kosher way, but that's another story. BTW, my ex never came back - he gave the other woman in baby, in fact.

[lostandhurt]

lostwife,

Welcome to ENA and welcome to the Walk Away Spouses Club. There are more than a few of us here and many more that never find a place like this and suffer in confusion.

 

This is about him and his perceived unhappiness and he apparently has sought happiness with someone else. I know this all to well as it happened to me almost 2 years ago.

Acceptance is key. He will say and do anything to justify what he is feeling and doing. This includes the re-write of your life together. You cannot control anything except yourself so please forget about changing his mind or snapping him out of it. I and many more tried and failed. Google "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" for some insights. It applies to men as well so the name is a not quite right.

 

PM me anytime you wish. There are many of us here like Raoul above that have and are living through what you are just now starting.

Get your friends and family close to you and explain what is going on. There is no reason to be ashamed. Stay to the basics for now. Eat, sleep and take care of yourself as best as you can right now. Staying as far away from him will also help.

 

Lost

[nordland]

Oh bless! It broke me heart reading your post and when you asked him not to destroy your family.

 

It will take a while to accept and realize what he is asking of you. Did you suggest marriage therapy? I know it´s hard now that he is with someone, and I am assuming it has been happening for longer than six weeks when he said he is leaving you...Time will tell if he will come around. Hang in there.

[aylancf]

I feel for you. I have been with a man for 18 years (married 15 today) who repeatedly cheated on me. In the back of my mind, I always knew one day he would find someone to leave me for. Even though it has now happened, I still find myself in amazement that he could walk away from everything we have built together and 3 children. I have been apart from him since December and I STILL wake every morning and it hits me like a brick wall.

 

I wish I had advice for you - though I have taken in MUCH of what those who have advised you already. PM me if you need to talk, I know how devastated you feel.

[Eggs]

Omg, I just lost my post and will need to re-type ...

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know your pain, the sheer devastation that brings you right down to your knees.

 

I was married for 10 years (together for 15), had a 11 month old in my arms, and a 5 year old, happy and thriving. I thought we truly had it all, the most important, love and respect for each other. It was not so ... I was blindsided with a divorce, my now ex-h, was apparently very unhappy and even mad. Seriously, I had no idea ... he never said anything but positives of our marriage and me. Very perplexing.

 

Now, to answer your question ... not without crying your eyes out through dozens of Kleenex boxes, you have to let go. If anything, like my situation, if he wants to go, or says he doesn't love you, or find someone else ... Man, it makes it so much easier, because you have no other choice, but to let go. Move on ... cry often, cry hard (to naturally heal yourself), read mantras, find a new path.

 

Nearly 4 years later, life is never as I would have imagined. I went back to school to pursue a new career, earned a license, and recently landed a job ... I also found love again (going on 3 years).

 

You have the opportunity to re-invent yourself and have a whole new life! Isn't the idea of that crazy???! Life has a lot to offer ...