My Dad has terminal cancer...and I cant cope with it

[fallenangel1607308221]

I don't really know where to start. But I cant find anybody to talk too. I just want to reach out to somebody and tell them how scared I am, how I really don't think I can do this. But as soon as you mention the cancer word you can almost see people recoil from you, nobody will talk, people get awkward. I'm just wishing for somebody, anybody out there to understand.

 

My Father, my Dad, my hero he was diagnosed with non hodgkins lymphoma three years ago. The average survival time for his specific type of cancer is three to four years.

 

He's been getting worse and worse the last 6 months. He underwent more chemo and more radiotherapy which left him so sick and weak. He has no energy to do anything. He's changed so much, he's become quiet and withdrawn when he has always been the life and soul of the party. It takes him what seems like ten minutes to say a sentence.

He and my mother live in London. My brother lives in Australia and I've been backpacking around Australia for the last four months. They came out to visit us both for Christmas and it was shocking how much my dad had changed.

I feel guilty every moment that I'm not there to help them. But my Dad wants me here, he told me to come, if I had stayed it would have been like I was sitting around waiting for him to die.

 

I'm really starting to struggle with being away though. He gets test results tomorrow which are going to determine whether things are getting really bad or whether the decline is still a steady slow one. We are all expecting the worst I think as all of his symptoms are suggesting that. He just seems so exhausted of it all. I'm scared he has given up fighting.

 

I don't know how to carry on. I feel sick waiting for tomorrow. I just want to know so I can start dealing with the next stage of this horrible rollercoaster. I don't know who there is I can turn to for support, everyone is so scared of talking about the C word. By best friends Dad has cancer, although he is hopefully on the mend now, and she wont even talk to me about it. The only people I feel I can talk too are my ex which isn't healthy and a total stranger I met at a friends party a few days ago who just lost his mother to cancer.

 

I'm so frightened that I'm going to fall apart any second. I'm not a strong person. My dad doesn't know but I was diagnosed with severe depression a little while after his diagnosis, I fell apart and dropped out of uni after my ex was abusive, I went back on anti-depressants last year. I don't have a track record of coping. I fall apart. But I cant fall apart over this because my family need me, I simply cant, and that terrifies me because what if I cant keep it together but yet I have no choice but to do so. I watched my Aunty die of cancer and I really dont think I can bare going down that road with Dad too.

I just dont know how the world can keep turning whilst this is happening. It feels like everything should stop. How can anything ever be the same again? How do I keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

People keep asking me where next with my travels. Im staying with a friend at the moment biding time, how can I plan anything beyond tomorrows results. Then how can I plan anything in the future not knowing whether he will still be here?

 

I dont even know what Im asking. Im sorry this is such a ramble. I guess I just really need to know there is someone out there who feels the same? That I'm not alone in this? That I'm not going crazy thinking I cant cope.

 

Can anyone give me any words of advice at all about how to keep on going when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and pretend this is all a bad dream and wait til it all goes away and my daddy walks through the door happy and healthy and the father I know and love again?

[Miss Firecracker]

I know exactly how you feel, when your entire world comes crashing in around you and it seems that no one even notices. And I wish I had a solution. I do it one minute at a time. And I take antidepressants, which helps me a great deal.

 

I am sorry that's all I have for you, not much I know.

[Bismark776]

I don't know if I can offer any words of comfort or advice. All I know is that my dad is my role model, and certainly my hero. Hes my safety net and my security blanket. I don't turn to him most of the time but I always know he's there when I need him and I'm not afraid of any difficulty because I know where to go if things get out of my control.

 

With that understanding I have thought about whats going to happen. It scares me to no end and I don't know what will happen to me. I imagine I'll be beyond scared, I'll be horrified, the thought itself gives me anxiety right now. I'll likely panic and to some degree fall apart. I hope I have someone strong at my side when it happens. I think what you're feeling is normal.

 

Now here is what I can say to you. I haven't dealt with a lot of death, I'm not that old and I come from a small family. However, I have learned that everyone grieves differently and you can't fight that or avoid it, you've got to let it come out naturally. With cancer it seems like a lot of people go through the grieving process for their loved one before the truly go, you might be doing that now. Just let it out, your body and mind need to grieve, its natural and necessary. The only thing I really recommend, though, more than anything, is to tell your dad how you feel about him, how important he is to you and how much you love him.

[actzipild]

Hello.

 

I know how you feel. I lost my dad to cancer almost 3 years ago.

You have to cope. If not for you then for your dad. He is going through a lot also and he has also to accept that he will have to leave you. And for him you will have to be strong and to show him that you will keep on going. You will have also to be strong for your family. In this hard times you will need their support and they will need yours.

 

He will not be gone for good, you will keep him in your heart and mind. Believe me.

I still talk with my dad, even though noone but him can hear me.

 

You have to take each day as it comes, to try to take the most of it, even if you feel like just sitting down and giving up. But for him you will have to be strong and help your family cope with it as well.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you want some support you might want to go to the oncology department in one of the hospitals and see if they have some kind of support group for family members of patients dealing with cancer. Explain your situation, that you are a long way from home and need supportive people to help you through the pain and uncertainty. I am sure they will be able to connect you to the right people to talk to.

[Bella20]

I just want to tell you that even though it is important to stay strong it is also essential to allow yourself to have human moments and cry over this if you feel like it. You are not a bad or weak person for doing so.

 

I just hope everything goes well tomorrow and my heart truly goes out to you.

B--

[ichiban]

I have been going through the flip side of this (I have several posts regarding this). My GF's father is going through the exact same thing. All I can say is that if there are people in your life that want to help or are worried about you, let them take care of you.

 

I hope and pray for a speedy recovery.

[LBP]

But as soon as you mention the cancer word you can almost see people recoil from you, nobody will talk, people get awkward. I'm just wishing for somebody, anybody out there to understand.

 

My mother has stage III cancer, and my uncle is near dead from prostate cancer... I know what you're talking about. Most people just don't want to deal with it. I can't blame them, but it can be very lonely. There isn't much I can offer you. All I can say is that you'll find an understanding about this, and hopefully peace will come with it.

[KG]

I agree with Crazyaboutdogs. A hospital can give you referrals to support groups, and possibly a Dr. to help with antidepressants.

[Sugar-Rush]

Hey Hunny

 

I am so so sorry for what you are going threw. I lost my dad to cancer nearly 4 years ago now. (Altho it seems like last week sometimes)

He was my best friend, I was a daddies girl growing up and always talked to him about anything and everything.

 

Obviously the desicion is yours alone to stay travelling or go home, I was in a similar situation, in that I lived with my boyfriend 250 miles from home and had a job and my dad was adamant I should stay and live my life as that would make him happy, so i did. I don't regret it, because I know he would have felt guilty from me being at home.

 

Finding people to talk to was such a huge problem for me to, people in a similar boat always say "oh i completely understand" and whilst they mean in with complete kindness, they do not understand completely as this is your own personal battle. Or people who had not face similar situations, tried to take my mind off it and change the subject....hmmmm

 

The waiting is the worst part. Seeing my dad so ill there were days when i'd wish he would just not wake up (I felt so evil at the time) I just wanted him to be free. I think now thats normal and many people feel like that. Also grieving is easier than waiting for someone you love to die :sad:

 

Two things I did which helped me loads were firstly, i set up a blog, not for anyone to see, not sure if anyone did read it or not. But basically when i felt i had nobody to talk to, i typed some times for 5 minutes, sometimes rabled on for hours, it helps me to write things down and just get them out maybe it would help you too?

 

The second thing I did was to write my dad a letter, telling him how much I loved him, how he was my everything and how proud I was of him. Probably would have been better done in person, but I couldn't because I wouldn't let him see me cry. I gave him the letter just 2 days before he passed away. But I felt lucky to have been given the time to tell him how I feel. If he's have been in an accident or something, I'd never have had the chance.

 

Sorry, don' think my post is actually that helpful reading it back. Just know there are always people here to listen to you and to care. Please PM me if you ever ever want to talk.

 

I will pray for your family.

 

God Bless

 

Sugar xxx

[SilverManic]

I can sympathise with you so much, it's not easy at all is it? My dad died in a car crash when I was 10. My mum and dad wern't together and I was brought up by my nan who was 'my adoptive mum' I couldn't have asked for a better mum. She passed away on the 13th January from cancer. She was very very poorly. I loved her so very much, she was always there for me, my best friend, my nan and now she's gone and only my memories keep her near.

It is not easy but being together as a family is important.

 

Tell him how you feel, you love him, he gave you a great childhood. Don't leave anything unsaid. I told my nan everything before she went. She never accepted that she was dieing and I never said that she was. I told her that I love her, she gave me a great childhood and that I couldn't have asked for better parents. She knew I loved her and I know she loved me. She was so proud of me for going to uni and I think thats what keeps me going.

 

If you need me you can pm me. I'm so sorry for what your going though and I know how very hard it is.

[MandyJade]

Hi fallenangel.

This is such an impacting story.

Firstly I want to tell you how strong you are being. You have gone through alot. The struggle with your dad, and abusive ex, and despresion. I am so happy that you are relizing that you need someone to talk to, because this is an important realization. Your dad seesm to mean alot to you. The one thing that I have to say is to cherish every moment you can, and to be glad that you have such a positive relationship with him now. Joining a support group may help, and I also suggest individual councelling for the abusse problems from your ex. I had councelling for that and it helped me alot. I am giving you an internet hug -------------hhhhuuuugggg------------. You are being so strong and life will get better. You are a strong girl, and remember that there is always someone who will listen.

Take Care.

[fallenangel1607308221]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks so much for your replies; I honestly cannot fully express how much your kind responses mean to me. I’m sorry that it has taken me a long while to respond, it’s been tough dealing with the results we got back and I haven’t felt able to talk about it again until now.

 

His results were bad news; he is starting chemo again tomorrow and then a stem cell transplant after 4 chemo sessions. As far as I can tell this is the last bow in our arrow for biding time and it’s a risky procedure. I’ve been told there is a very low chance I will be a compatible donor but I'm praying that I am because then at least Id have something constructive I could do to help. I hate feeling so powerless to help him. My nature is helping people, I like to fix problems, to do what I can to make the people I love happier, to take away their pain and problems, to fulfil their wants and desires...and it feels like there is nothing I can do to take away his pain.

 

Miss Firecracker what you said makes perfect sense 'your entire world comes crashing in around you and it seems that no one even notices' that’s how it feels. Feels like the world should stop turning because my world has fallen apart...but the sun continues to rise, days continue to pass and I almost feel guilty for letting myself carry on. I want to stand still and say no this is not okay and this can not be happening. But yet sitting around feeling miserable isn’t going to help dad at all. The way I’ve written that I guess does sound like I’m grieving now I guess, he’s still here and it already feels like the world should stop. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel and when. I feel as if I should be grateful he’s still here but I feel so sad instead. I find myself wishing this was all over, and then feeling incredibly guilty, because the only way for this to all be over is the very thing that I’m utterly terrified of. I’m so exhausted of worrying about how long is left or what’s going to happen next.

 

The main decision I'm faced with now is whether to stay in Australia or whether to return home to the UK. Being in Australia has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me, before this bad news despite coping with the fact that his cancer was on going Id been the happiest I had been for pretty much as long as I can remember. I have grown more as a person in the last few months that I have in the last few years. The self esteem my ex robbed me of is starting to return because I’m so proud of myself for being here, until this news Id been winning my seven year battle with self harm, I hadn’t self harmed in two months, pretty much the longest I’d ever gone. The last few years of my life I had almost forgotten what happiness felt like it's been such a rough ride, and being over here, I've just been so happy. The friends I’ve made out here have been so very good to me and for the first time in a long time I’ve felt so very very lucky, and so happy to be alive.

 

If I return to the UK I don’t know what I would do. My mother and I have an incredibly tumultuous relationship and I’ve been told that under no circumstances will I be allowed to return to the family home and I wouldn’t want too as my mother and I argue constantly and it often gets physical and that kind of environment is not going to help dads health. I don’t want to paint my mother as a bad person as she is doing an incredible job of looking after my dad and I feel for her a lot in what she is going through. But she has a lot of her own issues and difficulties controlling her temper and I have always been the easiest target for her to release her temper on, another thing which terrifies me because when Dad isn’t around anymore I don’t know how far she will go. She’s never been afraid to say nasty things to me, says she doesn’t see me as a daughter, that I’ve ruined her life, that I’m a selfish * * * * * and she wishes Id never been born etc etc etc, but I think my Dad's presence has always stopped her from going too far physically, she'd put me up against a wall and spit in my face, she'd slap me, just last year I was running up the stairs to escape the name calling and she pulled me backwards down the stairs and Dad stepped in to stop her from going any further. So once he's gone... I just don’t know if my mother and I will be able to have any relationship at all. I'm going off topic a bit here I guess, I haven’t been able to tell anybody any of this before so I guess once I've started typing here it just all wants to come out. I guess what I'm getting at is that it doesn’t just feel like it’s my father I'm going to lose, it’s my whole family, because he's the glue that holds us together.

 

Sorry that was a big tangent, there are just so many things I’m fearful of currently. I feel so so so very incredibly alone in this journey. At least when I was with my ex there was somebody to hold my hand, that was how I coped when this all started, with the promise that I wouldn’t have to take one step of this journey alone. In contrast to that the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming. I have some amazing amazing friends out here in Aus, but they’re all older than me and more competent at dealing with what life throws at them, and I feel I guess pathetic to admit to them that I’m terrified and scared I can’t cope. The night I got back the results I drank too much and pretty much cried myself to sleep in front of someone whom I love dearly and consider one of my very best friends, and she was so very good to me over it, but I felt so ashamed of myself for doing that. Maybe it’s a self esteem hang up still, I want to do all I can to help the people I care about, but I hate for them to have to help me. I don’t think that they should have to put up with me in a mess; it’s not fair on them. I feel ashamed that I can’t just take this in my stride like I feel I should be able too. What right do I have to be so sad.

 

So as I said before if I return to the UK I would have to find somewhere to live straight away which would mean I would have to find full time work straight away to be able to afford to do that. It would mean I would be so much closer by to be able to be there to take care of Dad and to treasure the time with him, but I can’t help thinking if all the good work I’ve done on myself over here would come undone by returning and taking the first crappy job I can find. Am I better to Dad over here and happy and able to chat to him about things I’ve been doing, or am I better closer by but fighting depression? That’s the other problem, I just cant bare to look into the future because I’m so scared of what it entails, so I cant do any of the things I want to do to make him proud of me, returning to university, finding a vocation...because how can I think about the future?

 

I’m sorry this is all so rambly; I guess that’s how my head feels at the moment. Its affecting me more than ever in that all my resources are going in to dealing with this, so I cannot cope with the tiniest stressors even like planning what I’m doing next week. But I can’t stay here biding myself time taking up room in my friends house for too much longer.

 

I’ve just realised how long this has gotten, if anybody actually gets around to reading all this thanks for taking the time. If not at least I got it all out anyway, I don’t even know what it is I’m saying here, but at least it’s said. I’m just scared and sad and lonely. I don’t know what to do with myself. Its hard to run away from any of this when I’m already on the other side of the world, there isn’t any further place for me to run.

[fallenangel1607308221]

On a practical note I wanted to thanks some of you personally, but I cant figure out how to PM?

Thanks again so much x

[Phoebemillwall]

Hi fallenangel,

 

I know and can match what you are going through. My dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour 4 years ago now and always battled through. He had two Brain surgery operations to remove as much mass as possible and has had chemotherapy and radiotherapy.

Up until recently he was still gardening, walking the dogs, talking fine and doing every day things. A week ago now he started to become unable to walk, couldn't shower himself, walk by himself and was generally confused. He couldn't talk, his left side is practically out of use and I feel like ive lost my dad. I was only 17 when he was first diagnosed and I was beyond destroyed. I had to drop a module at school and ended up with poor results because I was constantly angry and upset that this could happen.

Anyway, we got bad results this week and they've said we should discuss end of life plans, he'll die quick and peacefully because they can't offer any more treatment. I don't know how i've not run and just hid away the past few days, I certainly felt like it. I am at uni and can't think about my studies because I'm constantly worried about him and my mum. She says she will go with him because he is her life, together for 35 years and seeing her upset is really pulling at my heart! My friends aren't much use when finding someone to talk to, they say they are but I feel like they don't really want to talk, they just want me to say "he's ok" and then they move on. I'm sick of hearing "Phoebe I am so sorry" I'm not sorry for anyone especially not myself. I feel like crying all the time but I try to keep my dad smiling and pretend I'm not hurt.

The best advice is I have is to keep him motivated, we've got a holiday booked for august and my dad is certain he'll be there! And so am I.

Find something you're both looking forward to and motivate him to be here for it. My dad also is fighting to watch the world cup, we talk about how he'll be here to see that.

Keep the faith and keep fighting. I'm only 21 and I feel like i've been through enough heart ache and pain as someone in their late 70's but that's life! Take care xxx

[Icantbelieve]

I found out 3 weeks ago my dad has Mantle cell lymphoma. I found on 1 week ago that it is stage 4. My life feels like it is out of control. I dont understand. I dont know you but I understand how you feel.

[roadster1252]

Hello, I'm a newby. I am interested in what has become of this situation with Fallenangel. I hope she will reply with a followup. Thank you!

[roadster1252]

I found out 3 weeks ago my dad has Mantle cell lymphoma. I found on 1 week ago that it is stage 4. My life feels like it is out of control. I dont understand. I dont know you but I understand how you feel.

 

What is your situation, now that it has been a few months out?

[babygirl3253]

First off- My prayers are with your father and you & your family.

 

It is very hard to watch people go through the grueling effects that cancer can have on person. I am sure that with all the treatment he is getting, it is making him very weak. All though you may just want to crawl up into a ball and pretend it is all a bad dream, just remember that your father is going through something very difficult. If you feel like you can't hold on to normality.... or that you feel like the world is just going to crumble beneath your feet.... just think about your father and how if anything..... just hold on for him. Be the strength that he needs you to be.

 

You can remember the healthy and happy father that he was at one point, but he is still the same man who helped bring you into this world... although he may not be as high in spirit or as healthy as he once was. He is still the same person deep down.... he is just struggling with this illness. There can be millions of things going through his head right now.... he is probably not only worried about his own health, but about how his struggle with cancer is affecting you and the rest of your family.

 

When you feel like you can't go on and you are having a terrible time dealing with it..... just make his days happy ones. Let him know how much you love him and how he means the world to you.

[Anna W]

I experienced the same thing right now, every feeling that u experience, I do too. my dad is now in overseas, while I am here in Sydney studying. it is so hard to cope within his circumstances. I feel guilty all the time, I lost my passion and my intention to happiness, I feel guilty because I think I dont deserve it. He deserve it better than me. he asked me to go back to uni rather than staying at home doing nothing; just like waiting for "something" to happen. I even cant talk to people about my dad's condition. its hard. I feel like crying everytime I talk. I always want to be stronger, I just cant especially when I am not around him making it worse by not seeing him. lucky my mom is able to cope with his illness, but I know deep inside her, she is torn apart. I dont know what to do. either being around or away from him is not helping at all.