Girlfriend wants to know how much i make

[jul-els]

So....if you want things that separate...never get married or be prepared to pay extra if you do.

 

Don't get married.

 

I wouldn't. I don't believe in that either. But that's a story for another day.

[jul-els]

Right on, with this!

 

I really don't know how something as critical as finances can be considered a "none of your business" in a longlasting relationship.

 

You're building a life together, whether or not you keep separate or joint accounts.

 

To me, that'd almost be like having diabetes and not telling your partner because "my health is a private matter. None of your business."

 

If you have to evade a partner's questions about income when you're in a solid LDR (and 1 year in, is one), and question their motives...there's some trust issue that doesn't bode well, or speak highly to the intimacy of that relationship, imo.

 

The health thing is a whole different animal the way I see it. Your body is something that is directly shared with your partner, so it does have a direct impact on their happiness and is something they should know going in if you have some sort of chronic condition so they arent caught off guard by it. The money thing, I don't know, to me it's just irrelevant. It's not about trust at all for me. It's just they have theirs, I have mine and everybody's happy. I don't see it as any more complicated than that.

[shes2smart]

The health thing is a whole different animal the way I see it. Your body is something that is directly shared with your partner, so it does have a direct impact on their happiness and is something they should know going in if you have some sort of chronic condition so they arent caught off guard by it. The money thing, I don't know, to me it's just irrelevant. It's not about trust at all for me. It's just they have theirs, I have mine and everybody's happy. I don't see it as any more complicated than that.

 

So, just out of curiosity....what happens if one of you happens to lose your income through no fault of your own? The company you work for goes out of business, for example? Is the partner with no income just SOL until they get another job? What if that takes a long, long time? What if one partner has a catastrophic health event (accident or illness)?

 

 

There's plenty of things that can happen that can make it a lot more complicated than "I have mine, they have theirs" can cover.

[Capricorn3]

To be honest, I can't figure out what the big deal is. I don't think it's unreasonable after dating a whole year to know what each one earns. Why such secrecy? Who cares!! If she's nothing but a gold digger then that would have been more than obvious early on, and if that's the case, you move on.

 

I'm really curious now: Do married people have these kinds of secrets too? If so, I'm not surprised that divorce is so "fashionable" these days. Then again, I believe money issues IS one of the biggest reasons for divorce.

 

I'm rambling now, lol.

[jul-els]

So, just out of curiosity....what happens if one of you happens to lose your income through no fault of your own? The company you work for goes out of business, for example? Is the partner with no income just SOL until they get another job? What if that takes a long, long time? What if one partner has a catastrophic health event (accident or illness)?

 

 

There's plenty of things that can happen that can make it a lot more complicated than "I have mine, they have theirs" can cover.

 

Not at all, you obviously work through the rough patches together in a comittment. Is it still relevant what each other is earning in these scenarios? I don't think it is. Life hands you a problem and you adapt to meet it. If you're together, you stick it out together. I'm not adverse to telling your partner what you make, I just don't see it's relevance, and if someone started to making a demand to know it would raise some questions for me. I would wonder if we have the same emphasis on what's important.

[Lowconfidence]

You two have been together for more than a year. It's natural for her to ask how much you make.

 

Are you older since you are employed and paying the majority of the dates/vacations? If you are, you should be paying more because she just got out of grad school.

[Malakh]

5 years ago I was having lunch with a girl that used to work with me. We were having casual conversations about Dating and Marriage and she said "I will not marry a guy unless and until his income is equal to or greater than $100,000".

 

That would mean she has to know about her bf's income before getting married to him. And she feels she has to know because when you live in the Silicon Valley (CA) a 100K income will be just good enough to get by.

[In the Dark]

I got this BMW for you it was on special as I had a coupon which which gave me 20% off!!

 

.......OMG you got it on special and with a coupon!!

 

Sorry just had to put that in there.

 

It almost seems like in this world, the man is expected to earn the money and pamper the woman while she does absolutely nothing at times or pursue a career which she loves regardless of the pay.

[Ms Darcy]

The money thing, I don't know, to me it's just irrelevant. It's not about trust at all for me. It's just they have theirs, I have mine and everybody's happy. I don't see it as any more complicated than that.

 

Well if you aren't planning on spending your life with anyone, then this way of thinking makes sense.

[Malakh]

It almost seems like in this world, the man is expected to earn the money and pamper the woman while she does absolutely nothing at times or pursue a career which she loves regardless of the pay.

 

Men are expected to earn money and take care of the woman. It has always been like that and it will always be like that

[jul-els]

Well if you aren't planning on spending your life with anyone, then this way of thinking makes sense.

 

So if I do plan on it I should be sure to make x amount and be able to report it to my potential life mate? That neither makes sense to me nor do I find it to be a very attractive proposition.

[StrawberryYogurt]

So if I do plan on it I should be sure to make x amount and be able to report it to my potential life mate? That neither makes sense to me nor do I find it to be a very attractive proposition.

 

Well, if you're seriously assessing for marriage, you should know just about everything there is to know about a person, no? I don't get how people have such taboos about salary and money when they see nothiing wrong with having sex on first few dates? Why so private with money?

 

OP"s girlfriend probably a golddigger, but nonetheless, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to know how much your serious SO makes.

[StrawberryYogurt]

It almost seems like in this world, the man is expected to earn the money and pamper the woman while she does absolutely nothing at times or pursue a career which she loves regardless of the pay.

 

Times are slowing a changing. Per recent NY Times article, more and more women are marrying men who make less than them, I think it's like a record or something.

[jul-els]

Well, if you're seriously assessing for marriage, you should know just about everything there is to know about a person, no? I don't get how people have such taboos about salary and money when they see nothiing wrong with having sex on first few dates? Why so private with money?

 

OP"s girlfriend probably a golddigger, but nonetheless, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to know how much your serious SO makes.

 

Well as I said before, I don't want to be married, and I'm not private about money. If I loved and trusted someone I would tell them, but I've never been asked that question and it's never crossed my mind to ask it. I don't see why they would need to know, or why I would either.

 

I wouldn't care how much they made. I don't want to be with someone who would want me to pay their way or vice versa. It's obviously apparent if a person is self sufficient without having to ask. If they're responsible enough to take care of themselves then I know they're responsible enough to handle any adversity that may arise.

 

And if we're together then I'm in it with them and will do whatever it takes to get through it. Someone can either judge a person's character or they can't. If it's the latter, then there's a lot more to worry about than financial issues.

[FarthestEdge]

Men are expected to earn money and take care of the woman. It has always been like that and it will always be like that

 

ah, as a woman who has earned more than her DH for most, if not all of the marriage, I can tell you this is not always true.

 

I knew at the age of 9 that I would NEVER be dependant on a man for money. I watched mt BF's mother withstand years of abuse from her H, so he would keep a roof over their heads. I decided then and there, that would NEVER be my fate. DH and I can take care of ourselves, together, it's just easier/better. But I do not NEED his money, nor he mine...

 

Some of us simply expect our partners to do the best they can with the opportunities and abilities they have, while we do the same.

 

But you will find what you seek. Believe women expect you to support them, and you will attract the kind of women who expect you to support them....

[Malakh]

I was talking in general. I was not talking about exceptions. While you may feel this way it does not mean that the rest of the women feel the same way. In general women want their man to take care of them. And not the other way round.

[FarthestEdge]

I was talking in general. I was not talking about exceptions. While you may feel this way it does not mean that the rest of the women feel the same way. In general women want their man to take care of them. And not the other way round.

 

I am not exceptional in this regard. You are making a sweeping generalization that has no stronger basis in fact than my POV. I don't believe that women can be 'generalized' any more than men en masse. It's insulting as a woman to be generically classed. I'd be less inclined to argue with you if you said "many women", but "women in general" suggest a vast majority, and I don't believe that is even remotely close to true.

 

Again, you see what you want, and you find what you seek.

[ItRainsItPours]

say "enough" and leave it at that. if shes planning to move in with you, marry you, then its perfectly reasonable. but knowing that for the sake of knowing that isnt a good reason at all. I wouldnt assume she was a gold digger but shes definitely walking the line of what is appropriate. those who said she might just want to know to see if you are stable, I dont believe that. she should be able to tell by your profession, education, and home if you are stable. she doesnt need to know your net worth.

[FarthestEdge]

I was talking in general. I was not talking about exceptions. While you may feel this way it does not mean that the rest of the women feel the same way. In general women want their man to take care of them. And not the other way round.

 

I missed this.

 

I don't take care of DH either. We are a TEAM. we work together to achieve common goals. Just because one makes more than the other doesn't mean one takes care of the other, or one contributes more to their lives. There are more things to bring to a relationship than $$$. IMO a relationship worth having is when you both feel that each of you are contributing to the TEAM to the best of your ability. Sometimes one will contribute more than the other in money, hard work around the house, childcare, emotional support etc...but the general idea is that you are there for each other to build together the life you want.

 

"taking care of" subordinates one partner to the other, and it isn't a relationship of equals. But that does not mean that you need to both earn the exact same $$. There is more to a persons value than their paycheck.

 

The OP is dating, they are not living together,or sharing finances...if/when they reach that point, then that will be the time for both of them to be more forthcoming about what they have to contribute to a partnership. Until such time, it remains personal, and up to each individual how little, or how much information they choose to share.

[Malakh]

I agree with this