Girlfriend wants to know how much i make

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are talking about two different issues. It's perfectly natural to be curious about what someone else makes, especially if you are dating the person. Often, you can guess by their lifestyle, but it can help you be more sensitive to any financial stress they may feel.

 

The other issue is that you feel she wants you to take on more of the load and that she wants you to take her on vacations. That's a differnt and more serious issue. I think before you contemplate the rightness or wrongness of her asking about your paycheck, you should really try to communicate your position on this one - that you are not a bank and it's not fair for you to pay for vacations; she needs to pull at least some of her own weight.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I can't believe how many people on here are calling her a gold digger or think it's ridiculous that she might want to know this information at this point in the relationship.

You've been dating A YEAR. She probably keeps bringing it up because you're being so secretive about it. I would question whether or not you were planning on committing to her in the long run after being with her for a year and not feeling comfortable enough to share this type of information with her. And I'm sure she is too.

 

I really dont even think it's about the money. I think it's more that she feels like you're hiding something from her.

[Malakh]

All of this boils down to the fact that regardless of Feminism and women working and getting equal pay it IS the guy's job to take care of the woman. Even a woman that claims that she is very independent will expect the guy to take care of her.

 

In the OP's case his girlfriend wants to make sure if he is capable of taking care of her and that is why she keeps asking him about his salary.

[JusticeLaw9]

I'm with you, I'm not all that big on telling people how much I make either. You're paying everything anyways, so why does it matter? When we start to move in and buy a house you can find out then.

[arcadefire]

I feel like money is always the hot button topic everywhere. And I don't find it necessary to reveal what I make or know what my bf is making unless we're gearing up towards marriage. Otherwise, how we each choose to spend our money is our business.

[hexaemeron]

Her question would be reasonably benign, if not for the insistance of "You will take me on vacations"

 

It sounds like she wants to know if you'll be taking her to a closet in Queens, or for a month in the French Riviera.

 

I'm getting major princess vibe off this. Beware. Don't tell her.

[BriarRose]

A woman who is contemplating sharing life with you has every right to know this. So does a man. It's not a gender thing. Finances are part of life.

[BriarRose]

Her question would be reasonably benign, if not for the insistance of "You will take me on vacations"

It sounds like she wants to know if you'll be taking her to a closet in Queens, or for a month in the French Riviera.

 

I'm getting major princess vibe off this. Beware. Don't tell her.

Oh, I didn't see that....I smell "golddigger"...

[prettymommy]

I have never asked anyone, ex's, friends, etc., their salaries. It's not polite, IMHO.

 

A year isn't really that long of a time to be dating. If you're engaged, then yes, I could see where it is reasonable for your gf to want to know this information. But if you've only been dating a year, I question why it is so important to her to know exactly what you make.

 

Most people can reasonable infer what a person makes. My last relationship lasted 2.5 years and I never asked my ex what he made. But given his job and the stuff he was able to buy/afford, plus different stuff he mentioned (tax ranges, morgtgage payment, car payment, etc) I was able to deduce his income range. For me, that was enough. It was none of my business, IMHO, to know his income, since we were not married or engaged. And he never asked me for the details of my income.

 

So why does she really want to know? That's what I would be wondering? Is she feeling insecure about something?

[alcide]

I with my bf for over 5 years and i dont feel confortable telling him farless a year, thats not really something you must give you aint married yet, besides you dont have any kids or any real connection for her to insist all that, hope she is not out to run you dry, because when you give her that information then she might start demanding half your salary or more income from you, be careful...

 

 

hope i didnt give you a bad advice here.

[Puddincup]

After a year together, shouldn't this be well covered territory? I don't think I could go out with someone so secretive. She is probably seizing on this because you are so tight lipped about it. If you love her, tell her. It's really not such a big deal I think.

[shes2smart]

Y'know...if he just gave up the info and watched her behavior, I think he'd get to see her true colors real fast...especially if she is looking for a free ride. So, they can continue to play cat & mouse:

 

her: what do you make?

him: why do you want to know?

her: (insert plausible sounding reason here)

him: (insert plausible sounding objection here)

her: (insert another plausible sounding reason here)

him: (insert another plausible sounding objection here)

 

repeat until argument breaks out or until one or both get tired of circular discussion

 

OR

 

her: how much do you make?

him: my annual salary is $50k

(pause of a few minutes, hours, days, weeks)

her: honey, I've been looking at these travel brochures for Aruba and it looks amazing. I'd love to go, and since you're raking in the big bucks, I thought you could treat me to a little getaway.... (or something similar with more or less subtlety)

 

Clear answer. No assumptions.

 

OR...if she is, in fact, just curious a statement similar to the vacation one above never happens.

 

Again, clear answer. No assumptions.

 

I realize there is some big hush-hush taboo regarding the discussion of what people make in US culture. I even get that there are good reasons behind not knowing what your co-workers are paid. But I don't really understand why the general taboo is there in the first place.

 

It seems very odd to me that people will splatter out intimate details of their sex life or health....but then clam up about income and (in some cases) get offended and all "it's none of your business" about it. But they'll talk at length and in great detail about their pubic hair grooming habits.

 

The priorities and deiciding what's too personal to share and what's ok to share seem a little...odd to me.

[Ms Darcy]

Y'know...if he just gave up the info and watched her behavior, I think he'd get to see her true colors real fast...especially if she is looking for a free ride.

 

I would have to agree with this. I knew what all my previous bfs made. For one I made 2xs and much, for the other, I made half. I know for my current as well. It does get a little awkward when they find out that I'm making more. But either way, no one has ever accused me of being a golddigger.

 

Sometimes this comes up naturally as a way of getting to know each other and/or to plan financially for shared events. If a girl is using you for your money, you can discover that very very soon.

[mfan]

I can't take the suspense anymore, could you just tell all of us how much you make already?

[Mizz J]

i can't take the suspense anymore, could you just tell all of us how much you make already?

 

lmao....

[Malakh]

I can't take the suspense anymore, could you just tell all of us how much you make already?

 

BWAHAHAHAHA... Post of the day!

[jul-els]

For me, knowing what my partner makes and vice versa are just ways to complicate the situation. My take is keep it simple, I pay for me, she pays for her, the things we want or need to split we split. Major purchases; discuss and see if it's feasible. Knowing the annual dollar figure is not needed info, imo. It can cause preconceptions that may not align with what the other person feels about it. Incomes should always remain separate. What she makes is hers, what I make is mine. Simple.

[shes2smart]

For me, knowing what my partner makes and vice versa are just ways to complicate the situation. My take is keep it simple, I pay for me, she pays for her, the things we want or need to split we split. Major purchases; discuss and see if it's feasible. Knowing the annual dollar figure is not needed info, imo. It can cause preconceptions that may not align with what the other person feels about it. Incomes should always remain separate. What she makes is hers, what I make is mine. Simple.

 

If you both agree that works for you, great. With the OP, there's a mismatch in expectations (otherwise she wouldn't ask...and he wouldn't be reluctant to answer.) Your method wouldn't work with a partner who didn't share your views because of the mismatch in expectations.

 

"Simple" is somewhat relative, too. I think keeping things "simple" means things are out in the open...that questions being asked get straight, clear, direct, honest answers. As I mentioned before, I have a fuzzy notion about what my husband makes, at the end of the year, I see his W2...not because I demand to see it, but because I'm the one who does our taxes. I see it by default. But I know if I got it in my head to ask how much his last paycheck was, he'd give me a direct, honest answer and not be evasive about it.

 

For all any of us know, this isn't necessarily about what she can get him to buy...it may be about the balance of power/control in the relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

For me, knowing what my partner makes and vice versa are just ways to complicate the situation. My take is keep it simple, I pay for me, she pays for her, the things we want or need to split we split. Major purchases; discuss and see if it's feasible. Knowing the annual dollar figure is not needed info, imo. It can cause preconceptions that may not align with what the other person feels about it. Incomes should always remain separate. What she makes is hers, what I make is mine. Simple.

 

I don't get the secrecy. Why would I go in on a major purchase with someone when I don't know what they make?

 

It takes a lot of effort to be so secretive. Why not tell when you are sharing expenses and making shared purchases? Simpler.

[jul-els]

I don't get the secrecy. Why would I go in on a major purchase with someone when I don't know what they make?

 

It takes a lot of effort to be so secretive. Why not tell when you are sharing expenses and making shared purchases? Simpler.

 

Because either you can afford it or you can't. How much you make is irrelevant, imo. I don't think it's making an effort to be secretive. Just minding your own business.

[jul-els]

Yep, that's true. I've only lived with a person twice and both times I was lucky enough that they shared my philosophy towards it. If I was with someone who demanded to know I have to admit I would question their motives and what it was they were really interested in. But I suppose if I trusted them then I would just tell them. Either that or just give them a ball park to make them happy. Money and love just don't mix in my book.

[shes2smart]

Yep, that's true. I've only lived with a person twice and both times I was lucky enough that they shared my philosophy towards it. If I was with someone who demanded to know I have to admit I would question their motives and what it was they were really interested in. But I suppose if I trusted them then I would just tell them. Either that or just give them a ball park to make them happy. Money and love just don't mix in my book.

 

LOL...don't get married. My husband and I keep things fairly separate. We have no joint accounts and the house is in my name only. Utilities are in one name only - either mine or his depending on who took care of arranging for the services. Keeping things separate was a thought-out, intentional decision because his ex-wife is psycho. It was a CYA move on our part.

 

Things still get all mushed together at tax time...and with what they want to charge you if you're married and file separately....well, it would be costly for us to willingly send that much extra just to keep things separate.

 

So....if you want things that separate...never get married or be prepared to pay extra if you do.

[Ms Darcy]

Money and love just don't mix in my book.

 

Shes2smart said it but I think it bears repeating: Don't get married.

 

Part of the reason couples get divorced is because they didn't talk about finances enough BEFORE walking down the aisle. Now, if I'm dating someone for a month, I don't need to know what they make. But if I'm in a long-term relationship boppin' towards marriage, not only would I want to know how much my partner makes, but I would also want to know their philosophy on spending, saving, investing, and banking. You could marry a guy who makes $100k a year, but if he spends $10k a month on the horsetrack and owes $250k in debt, then you need to know this because his financial responsibilities (and irresponsibilities if that applies) can impact you too ... in terms of credit etc.

 

I heard this wonderful seminar from a relationship coach that just focuses on financial problems in coupledom. She was saying that often women will expect their future husbands to take care of them without even knowing what they are 'banking' on. If you own a home together, and share expenses, it's actually ridiculous not to know what that other person makes. When you are mixing finances in that way, you have to look at the "entire pot" and see how you want to distribute it. The distribution differs with different couples. If you don't understand how your partner wants to distribute the pot, you are in for financial ruin and maybe divorce.

 

So, if you want to marry someone, I think it's essential to know what they make. You can also, depending on their financial situation, decide that you want to try to keep finances as separate as possible.

[midnightrambler]

give her a $20 and tell her to buy a new hat---there is plenty more where that came from

[tiredofvampires]

Right on, with this!

 

I really don't know how something as critical as finances can be considered a "none of your business" in a longlasting relationship.

 

You're building a life together, whether or not you keep separate or joint accounts.

 

To me, that'd almost be like having diabetes and not telling your partner because "my health is a private matter. None of your business."

 

If you have to evade a partner's questions about income when you're in a solid LDR (and 1 year in, is one), and question their motives...there's some trust issue that doesn't bode well, or speak highly to the intimacy of that relationship, imo.