Planning for a new year...and a new start

[rapunzel]

Looking back on the last year I have really put my life on hold in a big way.

 

I spent so much time being depressed, feeling hopeless and really feeling like my life was over. There have been times, recently, that I have considered that not living would be a better alternative. I don't have a plan, don't worry, but to even have such thoughts is alarming.

 

Most of the last year I was deep in an obsession about this man who didn't want me. The access to so much information via the computer kept me digging for more and more information about him, his family, his friends, this new woman he is dating. It is amazing how much stuff you can learn about people online and if you want to put in the time and believe me, I put in the time. I have been consumed with this and it's really embarrassing as it has certainly NOT changed anything and has kept me from taking care of my own business and making changes in my life.

 

I guess I truly have not let him go, in my mind. Sigh. Because of the bi-weekly contact it has been a long haul. I feel like such a broken record. I am bored with myself, bored with what I let happen to me. Bored with being depressed and feeling hopeless and wanting to hang it all up.

 

The key is to make goals and work towards them. The key is to not envy him and what he is doing in his life and who he is dating. He's gone, long gone. Never to return.

 

Since I did not marry or have children, I feel this great pressure to achieve, to be something "more" than what I am, to have a nicer place to live, with nicer things so I can "show" the world that I can measure up. I know so much of this pressure is internal because I have believed my distorted thoughts rather than talking back to them and replacing them with more realistic thoughts. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would have married and had children as I am so sick of thinking about myself. Of course, if I had met the right guy, this may have happened. My mother had 5 children and 3 of her daughters never had children so I do wonder what the family dynamics had to do with it.

 

So I guess this is a mid life crisis. The problem lies within me and no one else. I have to make the changes, no one else will. So I resolve to stop putting my life on hold, and letting him go for good. I'm not quite sure what I will do but I have to start making baby steps and moving towards a brighter future. And writing it down and putting more positive thoughts out into the universe is the first step before taking action.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

How many women who have married and had children are sick of thinking about everyone else but themself, while nobody is really thinking about them. I hear of so many women who have lived for their husband and their children but haven't really lived for themself. Then they complain of not having much to show for their life. Part of what gives people self-esteem is their own accomplishments, what they have done for themselves. Children grow up, move away and may or may not want to have a close relationship with the parents. There are no guarantees. Many people who married and had their children, are now desperately trying to find "the love of their life" as their marriage ended in divorce. They are no happier for their experience.

 

Perhaps you should sit down and write a list of all your accomplishments over the last 20 years. Work accomplishments, performance accomplishments, where you have performed, what you have done. I bet you will have a long long list of accomplishments. You may not have gotten married and had children, but your life was full and rich with so many things you have done, that you might not have been able to do had you been tied down to family life. As for only thinking about yourself..I can tell you that a dog really helps because a dog requires you to not only think of yourself.

[lavenderdove]

If you really want to make a change, you have to have a plan. To effect real change, you have to make the shift from 'thinking about it' to 'doing it', and the best way to do that is to make a plan and follow it. A plan helps avoid endless obsession, because you are sticking to the plan rather than feeding the obsession.

 

The first and most important thing on your plan should be to practice thought stopping in reference to your ex. Google it to learn more about it, but basically it is time to get control of your thoughts and discipline yourself to NOT think about him. Set up limited times per day to think about him, and reduce the amount of time you allow yourself to do so. Write your goals on a calendar, the times of day you will allow it, and set a timer and follow your plan. By the end of a month, you should allow yourself no time to think of him at all. It takes a month to form a new habit, and by the end of the month, your habit will be to no longer obsess about him.

 

Write down those other things you want to do on your plan, divided into small enough goals over time that you think you can accomplish them. Then follow your plan!

 

Successful people have the trait of simply sticking to their goals, and striving to meet them. It doesn't mean they don't fail now and again, but they are persistent and resilient in following their goals. They also eliminate from their lives things that impede their progress, like your obsession with your ex.

 

So your top priority is to follow a thought stopping plan for him, and if you can't sucessfully do that on your own, then it is time to consider counseling to see if you have a biochemical OCD problem that needs medication to treat it. Thought stopping will work for everyone who does not have a biochemical problem, if they create a plan and follow it.

[catfeeder]

First alternative I'd consider is a new way to break ties with the old ex.

 

That's the groove in the broken record that keeps you spinning in circles, and it doesn't seem to carry that much of a payoff.

 

There are plenty of musicians in the world to work with. I'd go there.

 

In your corner.

[lavenderdove]

I agree with catfeeder as well. if i recall, you were having these same feelings a year ago, and the story hasn't changed much in a year.

 

i'd evaluate your reasons for staying in his group that is a hobby, and not a necessity or a job. you don't have to stay in that group, and staying in it and having that feed your obsession with him seems to be ruining your happiness, so best to find another group, or don't return to that group until you've got a new boyfriend or don't care about him at all anymore.

[CatsMeeoow]

You know... for what its worth I'll give you my two cents on internet sleuthing... its not all its cracked up to be... Sure you may get some relevant information... but some may not be so relevant...

 

I'm currently a victim of someone snooping on me... yes... they found out some accurate info and then then found some not so accurate info... its funny because she is letting her imagination run wild... she is building a picture of me with mis-information off the world wide web... serves her right though... let her be jealous of this person she has created... hell I'm almost jealous of this person she has created! LOL!

 

Just don't let the bits and pieces get to you... you'd be surprised what it is not!