Starting to resent boyfriend for not proposing..

[shanshan2786]

Hi all,

 

Here is background on my situation. I am 23, he is 24. We have been dating for about 6 1/2 years. We were high school sweethearts, went to college in different cities where we had broken up for few months to date other people, gotten back together, and about 2 years ago I moved to Milwaukee (where he was finishing school) so we wouldn't have to be long distance. We do not live together. So now we are both done with school. I have I have a steady job, he is working odd jobs and looking for a full-time job to use his degree.

 

Over the years, we had not discussed marriage seriously because we were young and in school, ect. But now I think the timing is right to get engaged/married and start a life together. When I first moved to Milwaukee, he said he wanted to give it time to be like a "normal" relationship when we had been doing long-distance for so long. So I had not started to discuss marriage seriously till about a year ago when I broke up with him for few months because I thought he should have known by then if he wanted to marry me. I got back together with him just verbally promising that that was the end goal. He agrees he wants to get married, and we always talk like we will share our future together.

 

He asked me to look at rings in May of this year. I had been patiently waiting and happy until August, when we took a trip to Canada, where I was sure he was going to propose me since I thought he dropped several hints. He didn't propose.

 

Ever since then, I have started to get upset and started to resent him for not proposing. It doesn't help when a lot of my friends/family are getting engaged after being together a shorter time than us! It just rubs it in! I've told him flat out why I am quiet or upset. He basically says that he is not ready to marry me yet. I am tired of waiting, and get very upset about it occasionally. It is getting to be a vicious circle, me resenting him and being upset because he won't commit and him probably feeling shaky about it because my attitude towards him hasn't been the best lately.

 

The last few weeks I have done a good job at not thinking about it and having a good attitude and our relationship is really great then! But then last night I got very upset again cause we visited with my cousin who is getting married and it just rubbed salt in the wound!

 

Please give me some advice on what to do and how long I should wait for him!!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

After 6.5 years, he isn't ready?

 

When is he going to be?

 

Its not unreasonable to be upset over this - thats a long time to be together.

 

But now I'm thinking:

 

During those 6.5 years, you've broken up a couple of times, first to date other people, and then - only a year ago - because of concerns that he didn't seem ready to marry you.

 

The other factor is that (as I'm reading it) you havn't lived together. If you've lived nearby for the past 2 years, why didn't that happen? I'd have thought the first step would be to do that, unless of course strong religious feelings play a part, which is fair enough.

 

If you and he had been together consistently for 6.5 years and had lived nearby or with one another, it had been stable and he hadn't even come close to marrying you, I'd be worried and wonder about commitmentphobia. But the long-distance, splitting-up-for-a-bit and not-living-together factors somewhat complicate this and probably mean..well, I don't know. Perhaps moving in together would be a positive start, if you two are clear that marriage IS what you both want in the future, which it apparently is.

[Ashley1640]

I have I have a steady job, he is working odd jobs and looking for a full-time job to use his degree.

 

 

This was the only thing you said that gave me any type of idea. Some men want to have things finished before starting a new chapter in their lives. From what you've said, he hasn't found his "dream job." Maybe he's just the real tradition guy - finishes HS, college, gets THE job and works for a few years, buys a house, invites the GF to live in, then proposes. You say you guys are doing great, right? It sounds like everything is fine to me. You haven't given me anything to send a red flag and let me think he's a loser.

 

Remember this -

Girls mature MUCH faster than boys. We are born with a motherly instinct(remember taking care of your baby doll?), while boys/men are busy playing with their toys and gadgets.

And things DO change when you get married.. whether people want to admit it or not. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, and maybe he's scared for the worse. Getting married isn't as simple as some people think. It's on the mans' shoulders to take care of his wife, his house, his family.. kids.

 

Goodluck to you both! I don't think you have anything to worry about =) Instead of getting upset with him, why not have a sit-down adult conversation about it? No tears, no raising your voice.. just talk.

[JusticeLaw9]

Have a sit-down with him and voice your feelings. Six years is definitely a long time. But I'd try to figure out what exactly his future plans are and where does he see the two of you. If he's uncomfortable with marriage right now, try to decipher specifically what bothers him about it and what kind of adjustments can the two of you make to get there. Allz your asking for is some honesty and to get some type of feedback. If that doesn't work than you have a decision to make.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Interesting points raised here!

 

"We are born with a motherly instinct(remember taking care of your baby doll?)"

 

-...did not care for dolls.

 

It's on the mans' shoulders to take care of his wife, his house, his family.. kids.

 

- Is it?! Perhaps in a traditional setup, maybe.

 

Do agree with "Getting married isn't as simple as some people think."

[faithful14]

are you sure he's not just waiting until he finds a more permanent full time job first before he marries you? I know guys who who have said that they wouldn't propose until they got their life in order and had secured a good money making job. Do you think maybe he is just waiting until he has a steady income to then take the next step? I would just wait it out a little longer and see what happens. I don't think he would stay with you for this long if he didn't see it going anywhere in the future.

[Sunflour]

Well, you could propose to him. Then you'd have your answer, one way or the other.

 

Otherwise, all you can do is clearly spell out what you want from this relationship, and be willing to move on if he isn't willing or able to give that to you. You can't force somebody to feel ready for marriage if he isn't. But you can let him know that you aren't going to stick around indefinitely if he can't make up his mind.

 

Years ago, I broke up with a boyfriend I'd been living with for several years because I needed a commitment and he wasn't ready to make one. It was a good relationship in other ways, but we just weren't on the same relationship timeline and I wasn't willing to continue keeping myself "off the market" for somebody who wasn't ready to commit. So we parted ways, and it was painful...but a year later he was back, and we've been married for six years.

[shanshan2786]

Thanks for the replys. We don't live together because of my religious views, and because I think if I move in with him he will REALLY have no motivation to get married. He doesn't have any reservations about moving in with me. I have asked him (probably not without tears, I'm bad with tears!) why he doesn't get married. The job is one of them, he says he wants to be more settled. But he has had interviews in Chicago, which would put us long distance again. I've told him I don't care about the job and would be willing to move wherever he gets one, but not unless we're engaged/married. Another reason he says is because I have been weird around him lately, but hadn't things been good for the 6ish years before that? That's why I have been trying extra hard to be pleasent and happy, with no avail.

[knightNshiningarmor]

Can i ask you a question? Would him persistently asking for sex put you in the mood to be physical? I have been in one of these relationships before and at the time i thought she was the one and i wanted to marry her but there were a few things in my life i wanted to get situated first...often you girls dont realize the importance a guy puts on where he is in life to when he wants to start a family. Putting pressure on him to marry is similar in putting pressure on a woman for sex. What does it do? It takes away the sense of free will, he doesnt want to do it because it would feel like hes doing it simply because you want him to. Maybe take some time and relax the issue and just be happy your with an amazing guy who loves you very much. Sounds like he is still trying to figure out his life so why not give him some time to let him get his feet set then if after that and he is still lingering...you get down on one knee and ask him and forget all the formality. But asking him to ask you takes away from the experience and i would not want to propose under those terms either. My girl made the mistake once of pushing me too far and so i told her exactly how and when i was going to do it and after that blew up in her face because obviously i count do that now she has realized and she semi regularly still reminds me how much she cant wait to be married to me she doesnt push me. On that note...I'll be getting down on one knee before her this thanksgiving

[Crazyaboutdogs]

he is working odd jobs and looking for a full-time job to use his degree.

 

This could be a major issue as to why he is not ready to propose. It is possible he is not happy with his job prospects and wants to get that sorted before he will be ready. Remember that although you have been dating 6.5 years, you started when you were 16-17 years old and he was 17-18 years old. A lot of growing and changing happens between your teens and early to mid-twenties. You should not be looking at all the other people your age rushing to get married..chances are many of them will no longer be married to each other by the time they hit their 40's or even mid 30's. Some of those marriages may not even last their entire 20's. So don't look at the others, focus on your relationship. Do not pester him anymore but figure out in your mind when you think you would be ready to walk away from him if he doesn't marry you. I would also be very careful about living with him because that could end up delaying marriage. Do not settle for living with him if marriage to him is what you really want. If he is not prepared to marry you then don't take the consolation prize..move on to someone who has the same life goal.

[Ashley1640]

Interesting points raised here!

 

"We are born with a motherly instinct(remember taking care of your baby doll?)"

 

-...did not care for dolls.

 

It's on the mans' shoulders to take care of his wife, his house, his family.. kids.

 

- Is it?! Perhaps in a traditional setup, maybe.

 

Do agree with "Getting married isn't as simple as some people think."

 

As I was giving suggestions, I was talking about traditional ways. Somewhere I said something about her BF possibly being traditional. So, yeah.

Also, babydolls=girl icon... again, speaking in the traditional viewpoint.

[WomanWriter]

I don't think he would stay with you for this long if he didn't see it going anywhere in the future.

 

 

You would be surprised. My ex was with me for over 7 years and we were supposed to get married after he finished school (he had one more class to go). Turns out, he didn't feel ready to get married (wanted more life experience) and ended up leaving me! All that time, making plans for our wedding, family life, etc. and he decides he's "not ready."

 

Sometimes I think guys just stay in relationships because they are comfortable. Maybe they don't even mean what they say. My ex used to talk a lot about how much he was looking forward to the marriage, but obviously he didn't take it seriously...it was just one of those pipe dream type things.

 

I think what you need to do is have a serious talk. Be non-confrontational but tell him you need some kind of idea about what he wants. Does he plan to marry you when he finds a job? Does he want to travel the world first? My ex seemed to have all these plans (joining the AmeriCorps, living on his own, etc.) that I had no clue about because he never told me! Sure, I never asked, because I assumed that when he told our families he was going to marry me and gave me a ring, that he meant it.

 

You have to get him to communicate clearly. Is marriage just a possibility or does he want it for sure? What does he need before committing to marriage? What's he afraid of? Does he have any reservations about you? Does he want kids?

 

Find out now before you end up confused and hurt later.

[DN]

He is not immature because he doesn't want to marry you before he is ready - especially if that means having a steady job and being settled. What would be immature would be to cave into pressure before he is ready.

 

Although you have been together a long time it is not unusual these days for people aged 24 to want to wait until they are properly settled. And a marriage should only take place when both people are ready.

 

As it says in my signature - immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do.

[Ashley1640]

ohhhhhhhh so very true! i agree with your post completely =)

 

I was going to say in my post.. That sometimes women nag.. a lot. And it turns our men away. Whenever I want to "nag" at my husband, I find ways to let it out - and not at him. If I feel a nagging coming on about the dishes not being put in the sink when he's through, I go play with our daughter. Or I'll put on my headphones, or take a quick shower. I try to remember that arguing about a damn dish isn't worth a possible fight.

[knightNshiningarmor]

Interesting points raised here!

 

"We are born with a motherly instinct(remember taking care of your baby doll?)"

 

-...did not care for dolls.

 

It's on the mans' shoulders to take care of his wife, his house, his family.. kids.

 

- Is it?! Perhaps in a traditional setup, maybe.

 

Do agree with "Getting married isn't as simple as some people think."

 

 

Whether you agree or not is not the issue. When it comes to a man taking care of his home and family, nearly all men except this as their responsibility and carry this burden heavily and I believe this is in part to why many men stave off marriage because they do not feel they have prepared themselves well enough just yet. Many feel there is just a few more things they can do, i know personally this is one of my big issues, for instance i dont want to have a child until i am on my way to owning my own home and marriage until i at least have my future set up if still working towards it.

 

I see it this way.

 

A mother bird nurtures and cares for her child and is ready when her body tells her she is ready.

The father bird is not ready until the nest is built to the best of his ability.

[knightNshiningarmor]

ohhhhhhhh so very true! i agree with your post completely =)

 

I was going to say in my post.. That sometimes women nag.. a lot. And it turns our men away. Whenever I want to "nag" at my husband, I find ways to let it out - and not at him. If I feel a nagging coming on about the dishes not being put in the sink when he's through, I go play with our daughter. Or I'll put on my headphones, or take a quick shower. I try to remember that arguing about a damn dish isn't worth a possible fight.

 

Haha you are a wise woman and you will live a much happier life because of it. Yes nagging and having us do something in resentment often requires more energy then just doing it yourself. Most men have a method to their madness and letting us do something on our own time...oh we will love you forever, rub your feet, go the extra mile on birthdays and vday and the such. My personal madness is efficiency...ill do anything if you can catch me doing something else in the process....want me to get all the groceries while im at the store for batteries...SURE...want me to take the trash out while i get the MAIL...you rock....set the tv up so i can watch it from the kitchen and Ill clean the dishes during monday night football...you bet... its about figuring out how to get your man to do what youd like him to do...why do women nag...because more often then not it works...they get what they want done...their men resent them for it but it gets done...so instead figure out your man find out what he needs...maybe its just letting him do it on his time...what ever it is find a better way then nagging and you will love a MUCH happier life.

[Keyman]

I'll be honest here and say that I don't think it's going to happen. If anything, I think it likely you'll split up and go your separate ways.

 

I think this because, he is uncertain, and has been uncertain for some time. You've broken up t date other people, you've broken up with him because he wouldn't marry you previously, you get all teary and upset when someone else gets married and you nag at him often about it. To me, it sounds like you want your way, and it doesn't matter much about how he feels about it, if you can't get your way, your cry, your have a performance, and likely break up with him again. But this next time, there will be no going back. Would you want to be with someone that has a tissy fit every time they can't get their own way?

 

You guys are still young, have not really experienced life beyond each other and except for a couple of break ups, you have been together most of the time, albeit in LDR and living seperately. What makes you think you'll make a good husband and wife?

[Kaiser_Soze]

When will people realize that having someone who loves you is SO MUCH MORE VALUABLE than having a ring and a contract. Him NOT asking you to marry him is in no way the same as him lacking commitment. My ex basically told me if you don't marry me by this date it's over. I was stunned! What a hypocrite! I'm good enough that you want to spend the rest of your life with me but not worth waiting for. I became resentful and completely turned off by her. I made it past several ultimatums and eventually proposed on my own will, and it was right.

 

My point is don't get caught up with what everyone else is doing... love him for who he is and don't damage your relationship with demands and childish tantrums. Trust me or you will push him away. Who stands to gain by forcing him to marry you? Don't you want it to be romantic and love inspired, or would you rather him "give in". Seriously, marriage is not a relationship security blanket... cheaters will still cheat... divorces still happen. Just as true love doesn't require the presence of a ring.

[Ashley1640]

Oh, I'd also like to add:

 

Marriage is not 75/25. It is not 60/40. It is not even 50/50. Marriage is BOTH parties giving 100/100.. (i'll say parties so i dont offend same sex marriages by saying husband/wife, bla bla). The longest and happiest marriages will tell you that. You both have to give it your all.

[Bella20]

You are both really young. Sure, you have been dating for six years, but that is because you were high school sweethearts. My boyfriend and I were HS sweethearts and now we are college sweethearts. I am 20, he is 20. We have been dating for 3 years. I do not want / expect him to propose in the next 2 years, because I am too young to get married. It's a big deal, it's not just, oh look i have a shiny rock to flash at people when they ask me what's up.

He is obviously not ready, and he is very, very young. He doesn't even have a real job yet. Would you rather he proposed when not ready, just because you're resenting him? I understand where you are coming from, but I feel like you need to be a little bit more open minded. You have the relationship, you have his commitment. Marriage is a big deal. Don't push it... you'll hate yourself for that later.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I just wanted to make the point that increasingly, the traditional split isn't happening. Or I'm dammed - my fiance is not likely to be able to support me..ever given qualifications and particular career interests.

 

I know I'm peculiar, but if anyone does the supporting, it's going to be me I think..and I like that idea, like a 1950s husband I suppose. But I don't want children, and I think its different if you do. Absolutely agree that one should be financially stable before having children, completely get that.

[15 Storeys High]

Can i ask you a question? Would him persistently asking for sex put you in the mood to be physical?

 

This is the question I was going to raise. A woman demanding a proposal is, in many ways, similar to when a man demands sex. Most women hate that men might try to pressure them into having sex.....If you were a virgin and didn't feel ready to have sex and he turned around and said...well....we've been together on and off for 6 years...I want us to have sex....I think it's about time...how would you feel?

[Ms Darcy]

Ask him to marry you.

 

Edit: I don't know if this relationship will even survive. Good luck hon!

[sandrawg]

Well, I have strong feelings about your situation because I once was exactly where you are. I had been with my college sweetheart for EIGHT years tho--longer than you. He would say things like "we'll get engaged to be engaged", just wafflng about the whole marriage thing. I think he had serious doubts about me. we were both immature at the time.

 

At the age of 26 I ended up leaving him for someone I thought was "more romantic", moved out to California. He and I married 2 yrs later, and were happy for 6 of the 10 years we were married, then he abandoned me during a difficult time and we divorced in '05.

 

When I look back, I have mixed feelings. I mean, there must've been a reason why college bf didn't want to marry me, but I sure wish we could've worked those things out and stayed together. He was by far the best rel'ship I've ever had, and that is my one big regret of my life, is that I didn't recognize it at the time. He was an amazing person.

 

He's married now and has 2 kids. No going back, once you make the final decision to break it off, and it could have longterm consequences.

 

Just something to think about.

[hexaemeron]

OP, what's the rush? If you're happy, and he's happy....why rush?