How does a dumper feel after ending a long term relationship?

[exback]

I am just curious...

I had to go through a break up 8 months ago with my first boyfriend after 4 years (I got dumped). I would like to know what the dumper feels since I have never ended a long term relationship and don't know. How can you not miss someone after so many years and nevertheless stay strong enough to break up with someone...

What do you feel during breaking up with someone after so many years, short after that and then some months later...

IF I were the dumper: I think I would feel guilt, would be angry and sad and even so I wouldn't like him/her back I wouldn't want him/her to be able to be happy without me and to have a new bf/gf ...maybe...

Do they ever miss the dumpee or think about them???

 

Experiences!?

 

I don't want to hear: "Yes, he misses you" and so on...It is just out of curiosity to understand him and not to feel better - I want the truth to understand!

[SapphireNoir10]

The dumper has usually had time to work out and prepare what they are going to do. As in the end is a shock to you, but in their minds they've already psyched themselves up to end it and are ready for the end.

 

They may well feel guilty for hurting you, but if they think its the best thing to do, then you can only respect their decision and try and move on.

[supercalifragilistic]

Well, I think every dumper is different. I'd think after such a long time together they will miss you and remember you, unless it was a completely dysfunctional relationship.

 

I can tell you that my ex missed me the first time the broke up with me and that he misses me this time too. How much he misses I have no clue, but he certainly didn't forget about me and won't anytime soon.

 

I think if the relationship was really good they will think about us every time they meet someone else who is not like we were. Every time they get rejected by someone at a party, they will think about what they had and threw away. That's what I think. It doesn't make me feel that much better, but I can't imagine it being any different. Sure they won't miss us as much as we miss them, but it will happen.

[exback]

Yes...I think I did move on...Even so I hope for him to contact me one day to at least "talk" like we did the last couple of years I think he was right about breaking up with me...

 

But nevertheless: curiosity exists and I think it is important to understand "the other side"!

[exback]

Some friends of us (my ex bf and me) told me after they met him that he looked horrible and even so he didn't say so they think he actually DOES miss me...So I was wondering how you can stay that strong not to contact someone and not to "go back" when you miss that person...

[SapphireNoir10]

Sometimes I guess you know its the right thing to do but that doesnt make it easy.

[IGlareOften]

I got the unique opportunity to speak with my EX and ask him how he felt after breaking up. He was fairly honest with me and told me it hurt him probably as much as it hurt me. BUT, the difference was he couldn't continue with the dysfunction we had in our relationship. He didn't want to break up..but had to..which i agree with. We were headed to crazyville at warp speed.

 

Like that person said...each dumper is different. Depending on the reason for ending things is how you'd know how they feel. If someone is sick of being in the relationship and the girl is driving them nuts..then they probably wouldn't be SO sad. But, like you said..you can't be in a relationship for four years only to feel NOTHING after. That'd be a very cold person to feel like that. So, it's hard to give a definitive answer.

[waytoodown]

I dumped my ex a few months back, we had been together for 5 years but the relationship had died ( for me at least) somewhere along the way...

 

While I was breaking up with my ex, I felt guilty for bringing him such sadness but also angry towards him ( because of the circumstances of the break up). After, I felt relieved it was over. I had dealt with it in the months prior to the break up as I knew it was unavoidable. Still, I did miss him for a few weeks, but after that I did not miss him as a person but I missed having someone there with me. I stuck with NC after the breakup because I knew it was the right thing to do but sometimes I wonder what's going on with him, more out of habit from being with him so long than me actually caring though! lol

 

Obviously, the experience can greatly vary depending on the two persons involved and the circumstances regarding the breakup!

[Superfreak]

I can't tell you how they feel after the end of a long-term relationship, but after I broke up with a girl after a relatively short, but fairly intense short-term relationship which lasted a few months, I felt devastated. I was depressed that I had let her down, I was depressed that I had hurt her the way that I had been hurt by ex's in the past, I felt that I had a duty to follow her lead and let her decide how our post-dating relationship would play out.

 

But part of me also felt that I just wanted to avoid her and not have to deal with her. It's not because I'm selfish but because it's an awful feeling knowing that you are the cause of someone's pain, someone that trusted you with their feelings. Talking to her after our break-up depressed me, I was much happier when I wasn't talking to her then when I was talking to her because seeing or talking to her would just remind me that I had caused her pain.

 

Nevertheless, even though I'd rather have just had no contact between her and I in the immediate aftermath of our relationship until things settled down, I stayed in contact because that's what she wanted and if doing that helped mitigate some of the pain she felt, then I was more then willing to pay that price.

 

Basically alot of conflicting feelings, part of me feeling like I wanted to help her as much as possible, the other part of me not wanting to be reminded of the fact that I had hurt her.

 

That's how I felt after I broke up with her, it's definitely not the way that everybody feels after breaking up with someone though.

[exback]

TRUE!

 

I think even dumpers are just human beings

They do feel hurt and guilt and sadness and miss someone/dumpee being with them. The amount of each feeling differs from situation to situation and person to person.

8 months after break up I think my ex did the right thing because our relationship was HORRIBLE the last couple of months and I do admire him for being able to stay strong enough to break up. Sometimes I wish I could tell him that at least once to ease his guilt (and I am sure he does feel some guilt) but we didn't contact each other the couple of months and I am sure it might be for the best...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You admire your ex for being "strong"? As I recall this ex treated you badly, ignored you and just made you feel small...the way he treated you was an act of cowardice not strength...it sounds like he was driven by insecurity, fear and cowardice..not by any sense of being a noble, brave human being.

[Ascending]

I'm not the dumper, I'm the dumpee.

 

But from what I can tell you, cause I did some snooping around, she's unscathed. Not a single tear shed, in her own words to an email to her friend (cause I checked). She had already found someone else. What's more is those feelings of love turned into hatred. She will never even return to me. If she had some doubts or whatever, then there'd be some hope, right? There's none for me, and that hurts cause I'll never have a chance at having the perfect life again. It hurts so damn much.

 

She didn't miss me. She doesn't even think about me. She's already forgotten about me. Even though at some point in time, I was one of the most important person in her life outside of her family. This is what people have been telling me about how she feels, and from I've read as well. I've prayed that she'd come to see all the good again in our relationship, but she's already forgotten. She doesn't even remember my birthday! That was the day we both lost our virginity.

[zoe111]

She doesn't even think about me. She's already forgotten about me. Even though at some point in time, I was one of the most important person in her life outside of her family. This is what people have been telling me about how she feels, and from I've read as well. I've prayed that she'd come to see all the good again in our relationship, but she's already forgotten. She doesn't even remember my birthday! That was the day we both lost our virginity.

 

Im sure that isnt true, I believe either side you will always remember each other and miss the good times (even if the bad out weigh them in the relationship). When finishing my relationship i was obsessing he would forget about me but a friend said to me 'It is like saying do you remember somebody from your childhood who you havent spoke to or seen in years, im sure you do'.

 

On the dumping front everybody feels guilt no matter how tiny it is and even if it was for the best reasons for each of you but its how they show themselves and want to be seen. That is why we will never be able to answer this properly, some dumpers are better on at putting on a good positive front to you and everybody else.

[exback]

@crazyaboutdogs: I DON'T admire the WAY he chose to break up with me- that was honestly the worst way EVER!!! I admire that he was able to break up because I couldn't do so even so I knew it would be best for me/us...but you are right: he was a coward doing it like that!!!

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i think that's exactly how my boyfriend feels with me... he wants to help me get through this because he feels guilty and bad that he is the reason i am in so much pain.

 

what eventually happened? did she eventually stop contacting you? did you eventually stop helping her through it becuase you got tired of "dealing with her"? Did talking to her a lot help to heal you and justify your decisions?

[quirky]

Well, I dumped my ex twice! But really..I did what I had to do, he was neglecting our relationship, then I stopped trusting him, caring enough for him blah blah. So I have felt like the dumper and dumpee at the same time. I honestly think I have hurt more than him but that's because of other uncertainties in my life in the past year. Of course I have wanted to speak to him but I'm not sure I can be his friend, at least not yet. I don't wanna hear how great he might be doing. I feel very fooled and misleaded and for me it has changed my perception of relationships, of what love is. On the other hand I do feel proud in a way that I was true to myself and brave to leave a relationship when 1)I still wanted him 2)didn't have anything else lined up.

[jojo23]

I was with a man for 3 and a half years and i just couldn't see a future in the direction we were heading, i was so scared to hurt him because yes i did care but i couldn't base a life time commitment on what we had.

I hurt afterward knowing what i had done to him and everything i was used to was gone, i almost asked him back because everything changed, but how unfair would i have been to put him through that just because i was lonely and unsure?

He is now with someone else and as far as i know they are really happy and i'm so glad that he healed and found happiness after what i put him through he deserves that.

I recently had my heart broken and if he felt half as bad as i do i feel awful for having done that to him, but he's happy now and i'm so glad that he is

[decoxemergency]

i think that's exactly how my boyfriend feels with me... he wants to help me get through this because he feels guilty and bad that he is the reason i am in so much pain.

 

what eventually happened? did she eventually stop contacting you? did you eventually stop helping her through it becuase you got tired of "dealing with her"? Did talking to her a lot help to heal you and justify your decisions?

 

Same here. I think this is why my ex kept in contact with me the first week, and the second week when he started to pull away I think it was because of that feeling that you speak of. That feeling of just wanting to avoid her because it hurt you to have her be a constant reminder of how much pain you caused her. He made some comments that made me think along these lines. At one point he told me that "he didn't want to hurt me more than he already had" and that "he was trying to separate us because he thought it would be easier for both of us". He was starting to get uptight about even speaking to me, even though I know he still has a lot of feelings. That's why I decided to go NC. To give him the space he needed and so I didn't push him farther away.

 

Honestly, as much as I love him and still want to be with him.. the fact that he handled it the way he did makes me a little angry. I feel almost like it's a cheap shot.

 

Superfreak, I would be interested in more of your perspective on this. I see you are 22 and my ex is 21. I'd love some input from a guy his age.

[Superfreak]

i think that's exactly how my boyfriend feels with me... he wants to help me get through this because he feels guilty and bad that he is the reason i am in so much pain.

 

what eventually happened? did she eventually stop contacting you? did you eventually stop helping her through it becuase you got tired of "dealing with her"? Did talking to her a lot help to heal you and justify your decisions?

 

We stayed friends. For a period of time, at her insistence actually, we were FWB, but I broke that off when she started giving me hints that she wanted us to be in a relationship again. She's still a friend and we talk regularely. I can bring up the fact that I'm seeing someone and she doen't get jealous. If she is jealous, she doesn't show it. Likewise she can do the same although she hasn't had much luck in finding a guy she wants to date seriously so far.

 

I still think it was a good decision to end it. At times I think that she's such a sweet girl that maybe I should have tried harder to work things out, but those thoughts are relatively short as deep down I know that we just didn't click in the ways that are important to me and that, as sweet and as good to me as she was, there were other people out there that would be a better fit, just as their are other people out there that would no doubt be a better fit for her.

 

I'm not fully sure that she's over me yet, but it's definitely not depressing or mentally draining talking to her, and my guilt has largely receeded with the passage of time.

[renaissancewoman101]

I wish I could have had this with one of my ex's. That "relationship" ended on an ok note and we stayed friends for a year or so until I (due to my clinginess and whatever), destroyed that friendship and now we never speak to each other again.

 

I so wish that could have turned out into what you have with your ex, a friendship

[WomanWriter]

Well, in my second relationship, I was techincally the dumpee but my position was more like the "dumper" because I was the least interested in the relationship. B said he loved me, but I didn't feel the same, so the next day, he ended it.

 

What I felt was kinda guilty because I met my (now ex) fiance on the same DAY that B and I broke up. I stayed friends with B because we worked together, but we didn't talk as much anymore. I tried to get B interested in some of our co-workers to ease the guilt I felt, but a part of me felt a tiny bit jealous when he did start talking to someone. I started going out with my (now ex) fiance and told B about it. He seemed sad but didn't make a fuss, so I continued talking to him as long as I didn't mention my fiance.

 

Evantually, when I left the job, B still wanted to talk to me. He even asked if I wanted to hang out (alone), but I felt guilty because I was really serious about my (now ex) fiance. So I made up excuses for why I couldn't see him...basically saying that I wish we could hang out but I don't think he really wants to. He got upset and said I could come to him whenever i want...just say the word. That was the last time we really talked. I started kinda avoiding him and he didn't really talk to me. We were "friends" on Myspace for a while, but then it just faded out. Mostly because I was worried what my fiance would think.

 

Now that my fiance is out of the picture (the one who broke my heart), I think about B sometimes and wish we could catch up. I don't know what happened to him, just that he moved away and I don't have his contact info. anymore. It sucks because I did like him as a friend, but I couldn't hang out with him because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea.

[renaissancewoman101]

WW, if you have his info (name and city), maybe you can look him up on MySpace or Facebook and contact him through there?

[Seymore]

Depends on the reason the dumper left. I left an emotionally abusive woman 10 months ago, and I have felt zero guilt since. I still think about her, I loved her more than any woman I've dated, and she still has a special place inside of me, but I know she hasn't come very far in her self-improvement, so I try to just put her out of my head.

 

My case was also not premeditated. I laid my cards on the table and was very clear in telling her I wasn't taking it anymore and something had to change or I'd be gone. She responded by kicking me out. So that was pretty much it. It broke my heart to follow through and walk out that door, but I had to stick to my guns.

[Superfreak]

Depends on the reason the dumper left. I left an emotionally abusive woman 10 months ago, and I have felt zero guilt since. I still think about her, I loved her more than any woman I've dated, and she still has a special place inside of me, but I know she hasn't come very far in her self-improvement, so I try to just put her out of my head.

 

My case was also not premeditated. I laid my cards on the table and was very clear in telling her I wasn't taking it anymore and something had to change or I'd be gone. She responded by kicking me out. So that was pretty much it. It broke my heart to follow through and walk out that door, but I had to stick to my guns.

 

Good for you. Alot more people should have the courage to do what you described.

[doiiiieeezie]

I dumped someone after a 6 yr on and off relationship. After everything that we went through, and the fact that he and I had a strong attraction to each other, he and I did enough damage over the years that someone had to stop contacting one another.

 

Do I regret it? No. He had tried to call me on and off for a month and to tell me that he had gotten his act together, but I had seen it happen before.

 

It's funny, he is on facebook under my HS grad class but I have no desire to contact him and I gather he has no desire to contact me. Ignorance is bliss sometimes.