How does a dumper feel after ending a long term relationship?

[exback]

@seymore: How do you know "she hasn't come very far in her self-improvement". Maybe she DID change for the better after the break up. By ignoring someone/her and not talking to that person/her you will never find out...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

@seymore: How do you know "she hasn't come very far in her self-improvement". Maybe she DID change for the better after the break up. By ignoring someone/her and not talking to that person/her you will never find out...

 

If she really did change in those 8 months SHE would be calling HIM with an apology for emotionally abusing him and telling him that she understood why he had to put his foot down.

[jess2009]

i often wonder, why in threads like these....when the questions is asked about Dumper's guilt for a dumpee, a lot of women seems to answer that question, but i don't see a lot guys answering this sort of question.

i mean in this thread, if you notice the ratio of females vs males answers, a lot of women has replied to this thread as compare to men.

 

would you find this ratio of any significance?? I know being a women myself, i know i am quite emotional and keep things inside my heart for a lot longer....but i wonder about men??

 

I mean it'll good to get some more male perspective...

[Hobbes]

In my case, as I enter the 3 month stage, I would say my dumper feels like the party has just begun.

 

So, as dumper, she's doing just great. I'm doing better but still rubbing my eyes with utter disbelief from time to time.

[Mustachio]

Well jess2009, I am a guy, but I cant really give you my perspective since I wasnt the dumper, even though I really should have been.

 

I just wanted to quickly relate my story to provide some counterpoint to the argument that dumpers feel guilt and pain... but my ex is not a normal person so this doesnt necessarily count in that regard.

 

She cheated many times, and even though she showed guilt for it, she never really owned up to it. As such, I was neglectful in the sense that I never really opened up to her, and even though she didnt deserve my love or me opening up, just the fact that we were together meant I should have. Because of that, I dont think she had really even been emotionally invested in our relationship for well over a year, despite what she repeatedly said to me. In the end, she found herself with another guy (who she cheated on me with) and they are still together now, after 2 months, as far as I know. At the very least she may feel a slight amount of guilt for causing me pain, but I know that she is the type of person who really doesnt feel that guilt simply because in her mind, she was doing what she perceived as best for her and because of that, I believe that she thinks she was completely justified in cheating and stringing me along at the end like she did (because chances are she doesnt even view it that way).

 

I know she hasnt forgotten about me, but to her the grass is greener on the other side and she is one of the most selfish people I have ever met. I can guess that she only feels a slight amount of guilt or remorse because of how it made me feel, but in the end, im guessing she doesnt even think of that simply because to her, her actions were completely justified because it was "best" for her.

[jess2009]

thanks for your story Mustachio, it has been one year of total NC from my ex bf, and during this whole time, he never tried to me call nor even e-mail me to see how i was feeling/going....(although i am dumpee in this case).So i often wonder how dumpers really feel with this situation.....i know the male brains can only focus on one thing at a time (more logical)....and i have always been curious.

 

i would never break NC as i do not want to give him any infomation as to what is happening in my life....but i guess it depends on situation and the type of person............i just still can't believe that i choose the wrong person to fall in love with...

[Mustachio]

thanks for your story Mustachio, it has been one year of total NC from my ex bf, and during this whole time, he never tried to me call nor even e-mail me to see how i was feeling/going....(although i am dumpee in this case).So i often wonder how dumpers really feel with this situation.....i know the male brains can only focus on one thing at a time (more logical)....and i have always been curious.

 

i would never break NC as i do not want to give him any infomation as to what is happening in my life....but i guess it depends on situation and the type of person............i just still can't believe that i choose the wrong person to fall in love with...

 

Well, again my situation is different from most I think. I think it really depends on the way the relationship played out and why it ended. In my case, had I been strong enough to be the dumper, I can guarantee that I would be sad and miss her. But in my case I would also know that it is 100% the right choice after everything she did.

 

If it was a better relationship, as a guy being the dumper, I know I would probably feel like crap and have guilt and remorse. I know I am a sensitive guy and Im not afraid to admit it, but if it was the right thing to do to break up, then I would have to do it, even while I would feel bad.

 

Of course, it was the right thing to do in my last relationship and because I know how bad I would feel after, with the guilt and remorse, I could never bring myself to be the one to end it.

[wlh22]

I was the dumpee after a 2 / 2.5 year relationship .... Its been 1.5 years for the breakup....

 

I still can't believe it happened and I have no clue why. I could neven completely understand why.... And I always (still) wonder what went through her head before,during and after the break-up...

 

I keep contacting (fool of me) for almost 4 months (begging her to come back initially and crying and yelling at her when I found that she chose to be with somebody the very next day after the breakup).... and since then there has been NC from both sides...

 

I remain surprised how someone could be so cold (or act cold) after such affectionate relationship...

[thedude27]

Also a dumpee(its been a little over 1 yr now afer 8 yrs together) however my ex still calls and talks to me. In my case, yes we both miss a lot about each other(at least she tells me that and I'm pretty sure she means it). Apart from one issue everything else between us was very good. However there were some differences about the future of our relationship that she wasn't going to give on and I wasnt going to give on. I'm pretty sure she thought that either the situations wasnt going to change or she would lose me, this left her open to any other opporunities.

 

In the end she took the easy way out and reconnected with someone she knew who was going through a divorce and jumped from our relationship into one with him. ~9 months later they were married(yea I know rebound city and both on 2nd marriages.) its cool though I hope she stays happy. I only want her to be happy and since I dont see that anything has changed with her there is no future for us at this point.

 

I can tell you it was very hard for her to leave(as cold as she was during the process, its the way she deals with things. It was painful for her so she choose not to deal with me at all.) and it was very hard for me to see her go although the things that have happened reinforced my concerns about a future with her. I would say that you probably know in your gut how the other person feels (if you have been in a long term realtionship). I found that view to be accurate once I calmed down about the whole breakup(sure during the early stages I questioned if she ever loved me and all that) but after looking at it from a more neutral point of view what I suspected was right on. Things have gone exactly how I expected them to (including the marriage thing and all that).

[Spawn]

I'm not the dumper, I'm the dumpee.

 

She didn't miss me. She doesn't even think about me. She's already forgotten about me

 

That is the biggest lie any dumper can make you believe....

 

They do miss you, they do think about you and believe or not they do feel guilty sometimes for what and how things went with you.

[Hugwolf]

My ex and I were together for 9 years. This was our first long relationship. She has never dumped anyone, and I have never been dumped. We talked a lot about our feelings post breakup and here’s what I think is going on in her head:

 

She is afraid of losing me from her life because we have been close so long. We were together for 9 years, and were best friends a few years before that. So we have an enormous history and it is scary for both of us to consider losing each other (even though she chose to leave me). But in such a long relationship with no real previous relationship experience, it would be an understatement to say we had problems. She was not happy with me and had lost her attraction to me years ago. So she wanted out of the relationship but did not want me to disappear from her life either. She knew this was selfish but she didn’t feel like she had a choice. That’s a hard situation for me to imagine right now, but I believe it.

 

She found the strength to leave me when she met somebody new. After the breakup she tried to maintain our friendship because she still enjoyed my company, and to support me through the pain of the breakup, which I explained is of course ridiculously impossible right after the breakup, especially since she’s seeing somebody new. It is hard to say if she did this out of her own guilt for causing me pain, or if she still cared for me, or both. I finally told her after a month of trying to be friends that it was causing me too much pain, so I broke off the friendship. That was a few days ago. I think she is actually a little mad at me for doing this because this was what she was afraid of happening. But I feel like she made her choice and this is the consequence.

 

I am FINALLY in NC now. We had a really good last week as just “friends”: Concerts, clubs, dancing, drinking, shopping, hanging out. But she never showed any sign of letting me back in. How she behaves now that I have entered NC will tell me how much she valued me.

[AutumnBorn]

Tibber, you are correct. This is where you will learn the truth.

 

I think they feel relieved and little else.

[Mustachio]

I finally told her after a month of trying to be friends that it was causing me too much pain, so I broke off the friendship. That was a few days ago. I think she is actually a little mad at me for doing this because this was what she was afraid of happening. But I feel like she made her choice and this is the consequence.

 

Bingo, you hit the nail on the head. She chose to end it, she must live with the consequences, dont ever let her make you feel like you are being selfish for taking that course of action.