Still talking to the ex....

[Berty75]

I was wondering if anyone out there....still talking to their ex, has had problems with friends and family or wondering if they even should try??

 

My ex and I still talk. **Broke up with me 4 months ago after 3 1/2 years over fears of marriage** I'm supposed to be "angry at him" or "hate him" or do the whole no contact thing. But I just couldn't do it. It made me crazy not to talk to him. So I called him and 4 months later and A LOT of work later, we are tentaively getting back together. I'm not even sure it will work of if it;s the right thing to do??? It's still up in the air and we have so much more to do, but it doesn't help the situation that all I get is grief and "are you sure" and sighs of disappointment from everyone I tell. It scares me. It makes me feel like I'm making a mistake. That it will all fall apart again or blow up in my face. I feel like I will be stuck with a wave of "I told you so's" too. I understand that they just want me to be safe and happy and to not get hurt again. But, do you ever wonder if they know something you don't? Like, being on the outside of it gives them a better perspective on it all? Are they right? I persoanlly think that no one's love story is perfect...unless it's your own. I mean, was it my dream to fall in love, get dumped over marriage and then "maybe" get back together? No. But does that mean it's wrong? And who can tell you when you're "all done" with someone you love. Only you know that. I think we all know the point when you just can't do it anymore. I know I had to try again. Because even if it does fail, I know it's what I needed to do. I think that if I don't close the door myself, on my own terms, it will never close. I'll never heal and I'll never get over it all.

 

So, I'm just wondering...is anyone trying to get back together and facing a lot of struggle? Personally or with friends/family?

 

Best of luck to you all.

berty75

[ravens_folly]

Hi,

 

well right now I am not talking to my ex... and its good. I made a big mess out of the whole thing after he broke it off with me, and I just made it worse with pleading with him and bothering him because I couldn't understand why he broke up with me. But once I figured it out, it was better.

I just apologized to him on friday, and he said that we could be friends and I could call him. So i am going to use it sparingly. I pushed him away and put too much pressure on him, so I just have to be a friend to him and nothing more at this time.

 

But what was so heartbreaking, was my best friend, who is also his sister, kept trying to tell me to give up on him and leave him be and get over him and all that crap. She wouldn't listen to me when i told her I wanted him back and she couldn't seem to understand why.

She told me she didn't think he cared, but I did prove her wrong when I apologized to him and it made a dramatic change in him. Obviously he did care if the whole thing with me was bothering him that much!!

 

She stil thinks I shouldnt get my hopes up, but I won't listen to her anyways, she thinks she has my best effort in mind, but she has no idea how I feel.

I am pretty sure I will be able to get him back. we had seriously strong feelings toward one another, and everything was going really well until I started acting up.

 

Anyways, no one but you really knows what to do. And you can only be at peace with it and yourself when you've done it.

I knew I had to apologize to him for everything I had done, and boy has it made the difference in me as well! It was like a weight was lifted off me.

I think I lifted weight off my ex too.

 

I think it will work out in the end for me, and I hope it does for you.

Love is always worth fighting for if its true.

[vetgirl]

I'm not in exactly your situation, but I can understand what you are saying. Most likely these people are just concerned for your well being. They just don't want to see you hurting, and so the most obvious solution for them is to get you away from the person who already hurt you once. The thing is, that even if you found someone else, there's no guarantee that person wouldn't hurt you as well. And no, I don't believe they know something you don't. The only people who truly know what is going on in a relationship are the two people in it themselves. You have to do what you believe is the right thing. Take their advice and listen sincerely, but only you know what can make your head rest easy at the end of the day.

[Berty75]

Thank you SO much ravens and vetgirl!

 

I really appreciate what you had to say. I don't mean to complain. At least we are talking...right? It's just hard because I sometimes want to feel joy and excitment over the prospect of "maybe" getting back together. But the fact that they disagree makes me want to hide it. Then it becomes this bad secret I have. I do understand where they are coming from. I guess if I'm honest, I'm leary too. I'm so afraid of believing in him again and having it completely fall apart. Thinking you are going to marry someone and then having it torn from you...well, it was painful. A pain I don't ever want to feel again. I suppose I feel I shouldn't have doubts since I have been hoping and praying to be at this point for so long. I feel guilty. I feel unsure. And yet, slightly excited. Does that make any sense? DO you really think someone can call off an almost-engagement (he ordered the ring, but never picked it up) and then change their mind and decide they do want it? Just slower this time? (I pushed alot to get engaged). Should I trust him?

 

What are your stories?

 

Good luck girls and thank you again!!!

[Something funny]

Ravens,

 

I can really relate to that annoying element of a person in the middle trying to "steer things off". My and my ex's good mutual friend is always trying to tell me that "it's not worth it", "she doesn't care" and stuff like that. I know that she (the friend) is also trying to pursuade my ex into moving on and forgetting about me. So damn annoying. I've tried talking to her about it, but she's slippery as an eel and won't admit to trying to sow bad seeds between me and my ex, even though my ex has even TOLD me that our friend is telling her to move on and stuff. Every time I bring it up with the friend, she's always acting discouraging, really trying to keep us apart. You see, that friend is dating MY best friend, and she'd think it'd be a pain in the ass for her if me and my ex got back together. Argh, it's so selfish! I hate it.

[josie]

Best of luck to you. I hope that you are not taking everything too seriously though. I work for a divorce lawyer and see all sorts of situations though. I think if it is important for you to have him in your life, than this may be a good thing. But you may want to rethink how you want him in your life. Take it very slowly and be good friends and nothing more than that. Do not make your expectations too high right away. I would hate to see you get hurt. Good luck though - really. I am routing for you. Just be smart about it.

[ziggystar]

berty 75,

 

you know what the problem is with people giving any advice:

 

1. they're biased because they don't want to see you hurt.

2. they did not experience the relationship first hand.

3. what they know of the relationship is from you complaining...

 

yup, they heard only the bad parts near the end, from who? you. but i'm sure you know by now, since you're working some stuff out with you ex, both of you had some issues that lead to the relationship almost falling apart. but at this point, most of the people around you are being selfish, because they invested their time in helping you get over your ex, and now you getting back with him. it pisses them off. some may be mad at you. they've invest their emotions in you. forget them.

 

i think your doing the right thing. i think you are realizing that you need to try to work it out no matter how tough it gets, because of a commitment. not a commitment to your bf, not a commitment to the relationship, but a commitment to yourself. good luck and take it slow, you have an entire life time. and really, commitment comes in stages, not all at once.

[ravens_folly]

Hi Berty

 

I know exactly how you feel when you said that you wanted to marry him, i had the same thing, even though we never actually talked about getting married, he had hinted around it, he even wanted me to move in with him. and I was sooo sure I was gonna marry him. Actually I think in the end it will work out and I will. I never felt this way about anyone before and I know he still cares about me.

 

If you want to read my story, here are my posts: Its pretty complicated!! hehe

Ok here's the first post:

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then an in between posts:

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now here's my progress:

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Its also hard when your friends don't agree, I think they do want your best interest and don't want to see you hurt, especially as it does affect them and the way you act with them. My friend even said to me maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore! Luckily I was strong enough to be able to tell her thats so far from what I wanted and that I would try to be a better friend again. I think that helped me some too. See the reality of my actions. Anyhow.. you just can't tell them. This board is great for support if you find the right people. I would certainly be glad to chat with you and talk with you about this, as I definitely need someone to talk to about this too!!!

send me an email or msn sometime if you like!

[Berty75]

Thank you! You guys truly are so helpful and right!

 

I do realize what my friends and family are feeling now. It must be hard to sit back and watch someone continue down a path you believe will lead them to more pain. You want to grab them and shake some sense into to them, but you can't. So you offer up "friendly advice". Sometimes that advice is much needed and quite helpful. But in the end, we all have to make our own choice, especailly when it concerns the heart. Hopefully, the things we learn along the way from people who care about us, will help. I still feel that talking with him and giving it that one last try, is what I need to do. I hope it works out, I really do. I'm scared, REALLY SCARED, but now I know I am not alone. ohh, so corny and I didn't even plan it that way!

 

Each of you had a valid point that I really took to heart. I guess that is why we all sought out this forum? I mean, this is the place where you know that everyone else knows (in some way or another), exactly how you feel and what you should do about it. I think I would be lost with out it. I only hope that I can offer up some wise advice too. Let me know if you need any

 

Thanks again! Good luck.

[DaisyB]

I'm scared, REALLY SCARED, but now I know I am not alone.

 

If this getting-back-together stuff doesn't work out, you can always get a job as the eNotAlone spokesperson!

[Berty75]

Ha! Ha! ok so I am a corny spaz! I was feeling dramatic at the moment. I couldn't help it

 

I'll try not to let it happen again

[strong1]

Oh yes. Family and friends have LOTS of helpful advice. They don't mean to be nasty....but it's your life. You make your own decisions.

 

Next time they give you helpful tidbits..just say 'I appreciate your advice. I know you are concerned for my well being.' And then don't say anything more. Stick w/your original game plan. : ) They do not need to know what you are up to..or what your plans are, until everything is more set in stone. Good luck!

[ziggystar]

just remember support and advice are 2 different things. support is what friends and family are suppose to give. advice is only their subjective opinion that can be taken or not taken (whether you asked for it or not). if they get upset with you for not taking their advice, they are being selfish. we all have to do what we think is best for ourselves, right or wrong, because that's the only way to be sure, is to experience it. we have to take responsibility for ourselves.

[Berty75]

You are so right Ziggy. You are a very insightful person. Thank you.

 

You too Strong1! Thank you and great advice. I will continue on and wait to spill it when I have more of a concrete situation.

 

 

It is hard to ignore advice from people you love and trust though. Sometimes I get the impression that my friends are completely convinced this will blow up in my face and they are not looking forward to "picking up the pieces" again. I do understand their opinions, but it is rough. I went to see my ex this past weekend. My best friend called my cell and "caught" me in the car on the way to his place. She wasn't angry, just like "I thought you guys weren't back together yet". I wish I had someone who was excited for me that my ex and I are starting to say "I love you" again, that we talk a lot now, that our weekend was great. When I do share, I feel like I have to down play what is going on. But I suppose that is for my own sake as well. If, it does blow up on me, I won't have to go back to all of them and say "poor me, you were right".

 

People will probably want to kick my ass for this one...so sorry if I sound like a selfish brat....

 

But, now that we are talking again I don't actually feel as fabulous as I thought I would. At first I was VERY happy and excited, but now it is getting mixed with trepidation. I mean, when we broke up, I didn't have to fear the worst anymore or wait for the "axe to drop", because it had already happened and I survived it (barely!). Now, I have that "oh, God...what will happen next and can I trust it" fear. Weird I know. NOT to say that I am not grateful to be getting a chance I had been dreaming and praying for, for three months...I am! It's just, that pain was like nothing I ever felt before (I'm sure you all understand that) and the instinctual need to protect myself from that pain again is detracting from my happiness. I mean, is a love doomed if it didn't go right the first time? It's also making me a crazy analyzer I wish I could just shut up and let it ride!

 

Do any of you actually think about what it would be like to start all over again, with someone new? It scares me and I'm not interested, but a girlfriend of mine (who's married by the way) says that she misses the whole "new beginning excitment" and envys me. Crazy huh? Who knew we would ever be an enviable crowd?

 

Ok, I've babbled on enough. Thanks again.

Good luck to you guys!

[ConfusedBloke]

All I can say about your comment about "is love doomed if it didn't go right the first time?" is that i know 5 couples who have broken up, and even seen other people for as long as a year and got back together. 2 of them are now happily married

 

They all said the same thing, when they look back they realise that what made them break up was either going to do that or just cause a loveless relationship, basically it had to happen, because without the finalaty of breakup to make them look at what was wrong they wouldnt have fixed it. So maybe sometimes not going right the first time is the only thing that will make it last over the long term..

 

Well, that's one of the thoughts that keeps me going anyway

[DaisyB]

ConfusedBloke -- that's what keeps me going, too. Stories like that.

 

I also have several friends/acquaintances who have broken up and gotten back together -- and in some cases, married. They all said the same thing that yours did: that they needed to break up to fix the relationship, and that their marriage/current relationship never would have worked without the break-up. Some of the break-ups lasted a year or longer, and some of them dated other people, too.

 

So that gives me hope. I don't know whether or not it's false hope for my situation, but those are true stories.

 

Berty -- my roommate "found out" that I went to see my ex recently, and boy, did I feel guilty. She didn't say anything -- just gave me a strange look -- but I felt like I'd done something really wrong. I couldn't really (or didn't want to) explain it to her, so I just kind of let it drop.

 

I've tried to imagine starting over with someone new. . . it's very hard for me to picture. I can imagine going on a casual date with someone, but starting a serious relationship all over again. . . ugh. It repulses me on several different levels. I haven't been able to get to that "new beginning excitement" phase (even in my imagination) yet.

[kate111]

Marriage is a big thing, so I can understand why if someone was having doubts they would break up over it.

 

It would be worse if he got married to you and was still unsure and then just divorced you a few years later. A6t least you know that he takes marriage seriously.

 

You need to make sure that he is with you because he really genuinely wants to be with you and NOT because he feels guilt or lonely or whatever. Make sure you haven't given in to all his demand and are not compromising yourself too much.

 

If you are back together becasue he genuinely wants to be there and you have a future then don't worry about your friends and family, they will come round in time. They are just trying to protect you and once they realise that he has your best interests at heart and that you are happy then they will be ok again.