SO panicky at the thought of accepting a teaching contract, I refused.

[1MoreChance]

so this is where my life is at. 37 years old, I refused a teaching contract, what I had been thinking would make my life better, because the thought of going through with it filled me with fear, panick, anxiety and dread.

 

this is my life. I turned them down and said my hectic schedule would cause me to be only able to do substitute teaching. which is also stressful, but seems less so. the memories of my last contract a few weeks ago fill me with fear and panick. I cannot go through with it.....

 

what will become of me?? I cannot be a substitute teacher all my life....

 

In case anyone is interested, I got an appointement on the 29th with a psychiatrist who is a specialist in both borderline personality disorder and bipolar disporder. I hope he can help me and dirent me to help. I'm tired of being up and down and never getitng better. I am so tired, I feel so hopeless.... I am so so scared of my depression coming back full blown....

[waveseer]

You did what you needed to do at the time, it's okay, you were taking care of yourself.

[thetruth]

first thing is to take it easy.

 

the biggest thing is to see the psychiatrist and put getting your anxiety under control the top priority. i mean i think that is what you are doing, but wha ti mean is stop worrying about everything else for the time being as that will only make it worse.

[DN]

What is it about teaching that causes you anxiety?

[Jetta]

I think it's great your going to get the help you need. In my case it's worked wonders, and you'll have the life you want once you get your meds alligned IMO. I'm working hard toward getting the one I want (career wise). I screwed things up pretty bad when I was falling apart. Just hoping I can rectify things, but my newfound effort seems to be working, and I'm sure it will for you to.

[1MoreChance]

oh thanks guys for being there and caring.

 

yes I know it's not the end of the wold and my priority IS to get my mental health under control and I just felt that what I needed is to choose the option that created the less fear and anxiety. 2 years ago and all my life I chose to "face my fear", but I think the courageous thing at this point might be to accept my limitations and seek long term help (to set up a plan to stop / manage the ups and downs)....

 

I KNOW I have a mental illness..... I am just coming to accept this truth...

 

what causes me anxiety.... the memories of the anxiety I felt as I planned lessons and then as I faced my group and taught for up to 6 hours a day. the anxiety itself... hard to say.... feeling lost and overwhelmed in the face of lesson planning... feeling rushed, feeling uninspired, feeling like adapting to the moments and realities of 25 living beings in front of me and having to constantly deliever was very hard for me. some days I felt very fragile and transparent. I suddered from a lot of mental fogginess, difficulty concentrating... than in those moments I felt fear and shame in front of my group. It took me so much energy to get through that and hide how vulnerable I felt.

 

then 3 weeks ago or so, the debilitating, heart crushing depression hit me. no particular trigger.... I just crumbled, I cried and cried, it hurt so much in my chest, I wanted to die, all I thought about was suicide....

 

I am tired, I have no more energy to cope.

[ayekasong]

1MoreChance, I'm glad to see that you're taking steps forward in your life with the psychiatrist! You are right - the courageous thing to do *is* accept that you need to get help. I do believe that we can do anything if we put our minds to it, but there is also a sort of freedom that comes when we accept our limitations.

 

Don't forget that substitute teaching is often a foot in the door for later contracts. You turned down a contract right now, and that's okay! As a substitute, you will find yourself working a lot during the winter. Some schools even have subs come in even if no one has called in sick because people get sick during the day and have to leave before school is out.

 

Don't be afraid to take a nap or just veg out when you feel like you don't have energy. Being tired is part of being stress and depressed, and although I don't recommend sleeping all day, I think that we do need a little bit of "relaxation time" when we are depressed because it take so much out of you to even function when you are depressed. Since you are in the process of getting help, I think its okay to let yourself relax and recoup as much as you need in the meantime. The energy will come back when you start healing.

[Sparkley]

You'll be fine, 37 is not old. Sort this out and you'll know where to go after you deal with the mental issues.

[knightNshiningarmor]

HI there....first of all...not one teaching in 25 years of education have I had that was perfect 100% of the time...so stop expecting that from yourself. Your going to have off days...your going to learn by trial and error just like your students are. You may not be the best teacher in the world on day one...and thats ok... you dont have to have the most clever lessons plans known to man and you dont have to have the entire year planned out before you even have the job...so A give yourself some slack. The teachers I remember are not the ones who taught the best but the ones who cared the most. BE a teacher who cares and your students will admire you and learn more about life then any lesson plan could give them

 

 

Never stress about potentially missed opportunities...they always come back again and worrying or stressing over them does nothing to bring them back. But i think it would only help your mental well being to take the next opportunity that presents itself. Honestly i think being a sub is more stressful then a regular teacher because of the fact it is that much harder to get respect from you kids because they know your temporary. I think your stress level and anxiety would decrease with a more regular routine. Not to mention that accomplishments that you can be proud of will do more for you mental health then any words of wisdom or drug out there.

 

 

As far as the depression...know life will go on and that it starts today...not tomorrow...do something today that begins your process, your path to happiness. Dont allow yourself to convince yourself that simply surviving is good enough...know that you are capable of thriving and that it may take time but you will get there.

[Angeliah]

As a sufferer of social anxiety I get where you're coming from. I have allowed my disorder stop me from gaining friendships, experiences, jobs and who knows what else. Try and get this sorted. Cognitive therapy + the right prescription can work wonders. Visualise yourself in permanent teaching position doing a great job!! You can do it!! I know stress can make you feel exhausted and worn down, but please don't think about suicide. You have too much to give!! We need teachers like you to pass their knowledge on to our future generation!! Without the down times, you can't appreciate the up times... You'll be ok... don't let the niggling negative thoughts get to you - that's just the anxiety trying to get you... All the best!!