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[Looking up]

From the moment I first saw you, I knew you were the one with whom I wanted to share my life. Your beauty, heart, and mind inspire me to be the best person I can be. I promise to love you for eternity, respecting you, honoring you, being faithful to you, and sharing my life with you. This is my solemn vow.

 

I been working on this from sometime now. I have been keeping it to myself. I finished it up on the road down to be with you.

 

I guess you will never get to hear me tell you.

 

Such a shame I felt this way about you.

[surfjon]

Da Capo

 

Take the used-up heart like a pebble

and throw it far out.

 

Soon there is nothing left.

Soon the last ripple exhausts itself

in the weeds.

 

Returning home, slice carrots, onions, celery.

Glaze them in oil before adding

the lentils, water, and herbs.

 

Then the roasted chestnuts, a little pepper, the salt.

Finish with goat cheese and parsley. Eat.

 

You may do this, I tell you, it is permitted.

Begin again the story of your life.

 

— Jane Hirshfield

[LonelyGirl10]

I still have feelings for you, and I'm ashamed of it. I love being with you. Absolutely love being with you. I'm happy and relaxed, and you make me feel alive. But you cheated on me, lied to me, led me on, and broke my heart multiple times. How is it possible that I still love you? What does that say about me as a person?

 

I haven't added you as a friend on FB. I know this is hurtful to you, but I'm embarrassed for my friends to know I'm talking to you. For the same reason, I haven't told my friends or family that I'm in contact with you still. I think it makes me look bad. I feel guilty for how I know this is probably making you feel though.

 

I feel guilty for how I'm treating you now. I feel like I'm treating you the same way that you treated me in January. I get your hopes up, and then I pull away. I still feel like there's a huge difference though, which is that I didn't do anything bad to you in December to cause you to run away. It was all your fault. So why do I still feel guilty??

 

I know I need to make a decision. I need to either try to work on forgiving you, and putting you first again. Or I need to walk away from you completely, and let you move on.

[Looking up]

Well just got back from fishing. Must say it was a bit hard not having the little guy beside me.

 

But hey. I fished well before I met you. And I'm going to keep doing what I enjoy.

 

I went after I saw my therapist today. I can't believe I had to see someone now for 2 months now.

 

Why did you lie to me so much and make it seem everything was ok. Do you know what your actions can do to a person.

 

What you did to me when I trusted you with everything has left me with a scar that will never be able to cover up

[Kristenelaine]

Im happy we broke up. I hope you dont ever contact me. I have been tempted to contact you just so I could rub it in that I am on my way to finding someone else. But that would just be "revenge." and its really not worth opening that can of worms with you.

 

Again...I am happy we broke up. I would have never been happy with you

[OuchMyBrain]

It is so strange how much time has passed. I always think back to all the former people I had flings with, and how I was once so hurt and devastated and now can barely remember them.

 

I think still of certain places where memories are triggered of past people. I know you are almost there, meaning over time I can definitively say I would never take you back, even if visiting old haunts still hurts.

 

This entire experience has reminded me that situations change, people change, but at the end of the day, you're true character stays the same. I have had a lot of changes and people walk in and out of my life, and I have even tried to be an entirely different person for over 3 years, only to find myself right back to square one- my true character, which is a moral person.

 

I wanted to believe the best in you, despite what anyone else said, and despite all the ever present red flags. I wanted to give you a chance. I'm a person who always believes in multiple chances, but you've run your course. I can now say with 100% confidence that you are not a good person, you are a bad person, and have absolutely no place in my life. I'll admit I left the door open, even slightly for you to make your return. I entertained those thoughts, and now that is not existent in my mind.

 

I was so drawn to you, and it was a complete waste of precious time that could have been devoted elsewhere. I am not angry over it anymore, I just actually feel a mix of sorrow for what I had to endure, and gratitude that I finally woke up from being someone else I never truly was. I always knew I was a good person, and you did pull me down to your level. How do I know this? because as soon as I permanently shut the door on you, I allowed new people in to my life. New people who reminded me that I am a good friend, a good person, and a sweetheart.

 

It doesn't need to be flat out said, but it is true. You tried to screw up a good person's life. You had no remorse over that. That makes you a very bad person.

[Alone Now]

Another night of not being able to sleep. I find my mind wonders between MW, who still hasn't left his wife, and J, who would have given up anything for me.

 

Why am I such a fool?

 

First MW - you used me time and again and I have nothing to show for it. I really wish you would just disappear and let me get on with my life. Great sex or not, you are too much to handle and are all over the place. I need reliablity. I need consistancy. You provide neither of these things and you never will. I know it now. You bait me, have me care and love me and then you run back to the little misses for months at a time. This is a game to you whether you care to admit it or not. And I deserve better!

 

Second NG: Yup, you're cute as a button and have a great body and the sex is, um, satisfying. But we got into a "relationship" much too quickly and for all the wrong reasons. I needed to feel desirable and you fulfilled that need. Not thing personal, but even as we try to form a friendship against my own best advice, I don't think we will ever be anything BUT friends, if that. I never should have slept with you so soon. It is something that I regret each and every day. It was all too soon after MW went Casper and I hold myself responcible for even thinking I was ready for a new relationship. I needed a man to make me feel important. Now I am trying to figure out that I am better suited to date someone rather than be in a relationship with anyone.

 

Finally J: My best friend, someone I would have never hurt on purpose. You sent me flowers today because tomorrow is the last day of classes for me. I didn't even text you to thank you. Am I really being stupid for not realizing how I really feel about you? I mean deep down inside. I long to be held by you. There was something that shifted my brain at the Mother's Finest concert. It might have been MW showing up but more likely, I felt so at ease with you. It was fun and it was relaxing. I didn't have a care in the world other than listening to Baby Jean sing her songs.

 

My son asks about you J. I don't know what to tell him. You became important to him because of your consistancy and now I have pushed you away. Why do I always do that? I get right on the brink of letting someone in and then push them away. I wish I could pull you in and push J.

[princeslondon]

I miss you again this morning. Our second day off and I wonder what you're up to, I know you'll be picking little man up today and will have nice plans with him for the next few days. I miss you both. I keep thinking of you two having a great time and being outside and me wanting to be part of the family again. I know your family and friends think bad of me and the way I handled the breakup, I was hurting though....you hurt me when you told everyone I broke up with you publicly, you know that was a lie, you know you told me on the phone it was over, it was all a game to you, you didn't think I'd go but I did. I deserved better Jon! I deserved to feel special and wanted and needed....I hadn't done for a long time. Anyway, you know all this, just wish I could come over and we could talk. I hope you miss me too, I know you said you missed me everyday and wanted to text me all the time, but you can't because for now, its over. I hate this Love you always x

[Robin2904]

Just some late night contemplations....

 

Its funny how you promise someone so much when you're young and in love and foolish. I remember the very first day I spent with you, now that was 3 and a half years ago. I was 20, young and oh so enchanted. That's the best word I can use to describe it. Head over heels, hopelessly infatuated. I still remember that feeling...and I think its THAT feeling I've been chasing for the last 3 and a half years. But the thing is, you CAN'T recapture that feeling. Of your first love. Its the moment I was in love with. The innocence, the newness, the feeling of falling so fast and feeling things I never felt, the butterflies. Those things can't be recaptured.

 

But that first day, man I still remember it so clearly. And the promises we made. I admit I went back on a lot of them too so I can't even put that all on you. But in that moment I did mean the things I said 'I love you so much' 'You're the love of my life' 'I can't live without you' and I believe you meant them then too. I do. And part of me feels that though you've had other relationships after me, even in one now...you haven't loved them as much as you loved me. I could be kidding myself but I believe it deep down inside. And I still think I knew you better then anyone else ever had or ever will. Maybe that's a silly delusion too. I remember you crying while you looked at me because you were so happy. Making me promise I would never leave. I remember laying your arms that first month and us talking about the future. Being together when I finished school, getting married. Even having a child one day. I don't think I'll ever forget that- when you put your hand on my stomach and called me 'mommy' and you told me you would want our baby to have my eyes. And I told you I would want it to be strong like you. Man I still remember it so clearly.... like I said, funny the promises you make when your young. I think part of me really thought those things would come to be some day. Foolish...

 

I still wonder if you talk about these things with the girls you've been with since me. With your current girl. If you look at her with tears in your eyes and tell her you would die with out her. Tell her you need her. Travel hours on a bus just to see her for a few short hours. Cry your eyes out when she threatened to leave you like you did with me. Who knows...but for every way I feel like you loved me deeply you hurt me even more in others so I guess it doesn't even out. But I don't feel like you've had that deep of a love for the other girls you've been with....and whether its true or not I will continue believing it because its comforting.

 

But I am okay with these things just being part of my past now. I just hope and pray to the universe I can find someone some day who I feel these feelings for. Though I know they won't be the same feelings, that's a trap that we all fall into. I can't feel that way about someone else because you were my first love and that can't be recreated. And maybe the next person I fall for will actually love me back, unlike the last guy I let into my life only to be disappointed. But I guess I owe him something because despite him hurting me I am more able to move forward from you then I was before he came into my life. The universe sent him for a reason I suppose...

 

I still love you M. I will probably always have a love for you. There are memories and moments and feelings you were a part of that I can't erase, no matter how much I may have wanted to at times. But I think I'm coming to an understanding that these things need to exist in my mind in order to grow into the person I am....the person I will become. So thank you for the memories, the experiences, the lessons of life that made me who I am and will prepare me for who I am to become. And evenetually make me the person I will be for my future mates in life.

 

Thank you.

[Looking up]

Since you never gave me closure

 

So it's been 3 months now. I'm still feeling what has happened is so wrong.

 

I'm still in shock after what has happened. May I ask what was going though your mind when you made it so clear to me everything couldn't be better. You made our future together and our family seem so perfect.

 

You new I was deeply in love with you and didn't want anything more than to be with the 2 of you and the new addition that was planning

 

How could you do all of this and break up with me in 10 mins after a few days I showed up. You broke it off so quick and put me to the curb like garbage.

 

You lied so much to me. Lied about everything. You cheated on me. Every word that came out of your mouth the last month was a lie.

 

Yes people break up all the time like you said but you don't put people though what I'm dealing with now. Do you know how much you hurt me. I trusted you with my heart because I thought you loved me back.

 

Why would you plan so much with me and give me so much to look forward to. You gave me so many good memories that now I'm dealing with. We were in love. And yes I 'm still in love with you.

 

Do you know how it makes a person feel when you lied and started seeing someone else. Do you know how I feel that you are making love with someone else and the fact you were still with me.

 

You were only looking out for yourself and didn't care how much you were going to hurt me. Do you know how it felt to go from being so perfect to the bottom of the barrel in a min. I guess you don't because you don't care.

 

Why didn't you do this to me why didn't you lie. Even if you were to read this you wouldn't reply. Because you don't care and you made it seem 3 years never happened. I still remember the time we both looked onto each others eyes and said I love you. It was real You felt it I felt it. Something like this only happens once in a life. It was true love.

 

I lost my love my friend, my boy

I feel sick I thought i new you.

[doingitmyway]

dear my ex

 

I'm so happy you finally worked out your ambiguous, indecisive sexuality, even though it took you making a massive fuss at me over apparently being that 'one special guy out of all of them' that you could like. I enjoyed our time together, up until our last date, where you kiss me on the mouth, tell several of our friends about us (after explicitly telling me to keep silent) and then after giving me the big 'I love you,' run off when I turn my back for five seconds to follow a girl you don't even know from one club to another because you thought she was cute. You then tell me you've been leading me on the whole time and expect me to be cool with it.

 

Now for some pathetic reason, I endured my sorrows to try to maintain a friendship. I had uni and a lot of work to do so I blocked this out. Now when I was down, I actually became extremely ill and couldn't take the stress hormones racing through me and had to go to hospital. Since I came out of there I've had a complete 180 turnaround: I started life coaching to help me out of feeling so lost. I realized because of you I've been a people pleaser. I'm not extended that to anyone ever again. I love me for who I am, faults and all, I do not care what people think, I bare my scars proudly, I will ask the questions and say what others choose not to, I will not waste another second on this earth doing what I don't want to.

 

You may go on about wanting to be my best friend and keep me by your side till we die, and you can talk about how you want to travel the world with me, but the truth of the matter is, unless you are prepared to stop the mixed messages and cuddling up to me, I will not consider that. Unless you're after a ****, I'm not going to cuddle you. Unless you pull your head out of your ass, I won't help you through your depression, your relationships or any of it. You have always had a habit of making things worse for yourself. I don't have time to waste on this earth on people who leech off me.

You go on about wanting a polyamorous relationship. Wanna know something funny? I was prepared to let you bring girls home if it allowed you to meet your other needs as long as you stayed with me. I was prepared to do that. I would have given you shelter and lived with you. You meant the world to me, and you knew it. You have no one to blame for this but yourself. Good luck finding someone who gives as much a damn and would have given as much as I would have given. My pain with heal in time, but I will ever give as much to another partner as I will give to you. You were the only person I let see my weak spots, my vulnerabilities. A lot of people think I have unshakable confidence and arrogance. I never did, that was a mask, but now, that confidence is my real face. I can never be hurt by anyone else as much as you hurt me. You were my only real weak spot, I'm scarred, but now I'm a fearless opportunist, pragmatic, better dressed and stronger than I would ever have been otherwise. Thanks for the power, but not the pain.

 

I will possibly find someone to love, but I now know what Im looking for. You will struggle along alone, while I will take everything I can from this world until I can no longer live. I may well be bitter, cynical and greedy, but at least I've got the gonads to be honest and get what I want.

[surfjon]

Freed the daytime with indifference

Watch the twilight starve the sun

Shuffle home against the darkness

Turn the key and bite your tongue

 

And please be strong

You don't know it but you're coming right along

 

Call belated, leave a message

Wait for hours just to talk

Feel like slowly getting blown off

Stretch your eyes, invite the clock

 

And please be strong

You don't know it but you're coming right along

 

Cry as if to say you're sorry

Sight a life and hate your own

Try to think of what to mention

Leave the television on

 

And please be strong

You don't know it but you're coming right along

 

Coming right along, coming right along

[Blue_Skirt]

Hello first love of my life. We are not together anymore but still good friends. Just wanted to let you know that I made 2 cakes this week. They are nicely sliced up and put in the freezer. So next time you pass by for a coffee, there is cake for you again. Unless I have eaten it all myself by then. Eating too much cake lately, I should not do that, lol.

[wish9080]

I can't believe you threw us away and broke every single promise you made to me. If it was all a game why would you stay with me for a year? Why take me ring shopping? Why look at houses together and talk about marriage all the time? In the end you were just an immature boy, not a man, and I'm realizing more and more how much better off I am without you in my life. It still hurts sometimes but I'm getting a little stronger everyday.

[Looking up]

Why did you lie to me. Why to give me these feelings for you. Why are you making hurt so much. I get just turn off these feelings. You only get one chance at life and I wanted to be with you. And you made it clear you wanted me to.

 

You make it seem it should be so easy to just forget and move on. Well it isn't. Love is something you just don't turn off. It may be easy for you because you cheated on me and left me.

 

Not in a million years did I see this coming. So now I sitting here pain wondering why this happened. I can honestly say from deep down I saw you in my life forever.

 

I don't get why you did this to me. Do you know what it's like to feel rejected by the one you loved no you don't becsuse I would have never done what you did to me

 

I miss you so much. I miss your touch I miss that warm feeling you gave me. You made me feel complete. I feel sick just thinking about never seeing you again.

 

Why did you hurt me and why making feel this way

 

I miss you. My heart misses you.

I want to come home.

[chamachama]

Went out with yet another girl the other night. This one tells me "you're not over your ex yet. Text me when you are because its obvious you're a great guy". I didn't know whether to feel ashamed for realizing that she is right, happy for the compliment, anger for what you have done to me all of this time, or sadness that I am back to NC because I need to go NC in order to get over you.....again.

 

I want you to know this is it. You will NEVER be with me ever again. You have lost any chance to salvage things with me. I would have walked through fire for you. Now I would walk through fire to get away from you. I never ever want to see or hear from you again. My best friend was right last year. You are, without a doubt, toxic to me.

 

I am guilty of nothing but wanting the woman I've been intimate with on and off for almost 3 years to take "us" just a bit more seriously that F buddies. So basically I am guilty of being human. What are you guilty of?

[Alone Now]

It's a Friday evening and it is beautiful outside. My son keeps asking when are you going to come over J?

 

I ask myself the same thing because I miss my best friend more than you will ever know.

[neiu2121]

How can you not feel anything for me now?? You said you loved me and that you would never leave me alone!!!! That Im the ONE for you. How does love disappear?? IT DOSENT!!!!! You never loved me, thats the only explenation.... You left me in the middle of night, April 1 , in MSN?!?!?! W-T-F is WRONG WITH YOU???? Is this some kind of joke for you?? Didnt I ment anything to you?? And you braged to your friends later that I cry you back?!?! And that YOU were the one who broke up with me. Dont you have any heart? I loved you. You hurted me so much. it hurts like hell. i still cant believe its all happening. its sooo unbeliveable. im just sad. disappointed. i cant turn MY feelings off. what hurts me the most is the idea that you will never contact me, that i wont see you ever again, and you wont change your mind. i never emagined my life without you....so im left in the dark now. i donnt want to rethink my life and plans. i want you. i love you. i miss you. i cant bare the thought of losing you for good.

[vertigoxo]

Hope your decision in choosing your f*cking friend was the right one, because you lost me for good.

Good riddance!

[Alone Now]

I feel sick to my stomach. It's not the NG or MW but it's J. My best friend J. I miss him, I miss the way he is polite and makes me feel safe. I miss his sense of humor, I miss the way we communicate. And I think unless I do something quickly, I will have lost my best friend for good.

[princeslondon]

God I miss you this morning. I'm at work and I'm tired and usually I'd have had my 'good morning gorgeous' text by now.....I keep wondering what you're doing....I know you're going away this week, I hope that it reminds you of 'us' going away together. I'm hoping you miss me this week, but something inside tells me you're healing much better than me. You are so busy, working here there and everywhere and I'm stuck here, missing you like crazy. I hate the way it ended,I hate that I got so upset. Its been 7 days NC now....one of the toughest weeks of my life Love you, have fun on your course x

[IAmFCA]

you know what? I said I'll trade caring for your darkness. meant it.

[Looking up]

It's been 3 months thanks for the pain and miss trust. Do you feel good you cheated on me and lied.

 

You could even tell me why when you walked out that door after 3 years. No normal person would do that to someone. You are so selfish. I do know now if I every want to cause anyone the most terrible pain that makes them want to die. I will just do what you did to me.

[Alone Now]

J: Do you know what you mean to me? How much of a fun friend you are? How could I have blown what should have been wonderful and spiritual and kind all over two men who mean nothing to me. Is it possible that I am capable of breaking my own heart? How do I ask you to forgive me?

[Alone Now]

you know what? I said I'll trade caring for your darkness. meant it.

 

ITIC

 

I hope you don't mean that you are seriously considering picking back up with b. You have so much life to offer to others, including your daughter, than to get sucked up into b's issues. What about your happiness? What about all those who care for you? Are you willing to shut everyone out?