jjbinks Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 This is the first time I am posting on here not wishing with all my heart that you would love me or something me. This isn't even something to do that much with you, I just enjoy and feel safer posting to a quiet audience who won't inflict their beliefs on my thoughts, but at the same time I know someone somewhere is hearing and seeing it. I thought for a long while what I needed was self identity to be cured. Now that I have a job and I'm working hard at school, I barely have a momentary glance to myself but guess what? There's a void still. Even though I have goals, aspirations, I'm learning new thongs, I know me there's still a gaping hole. I guess that tells me I'm no longer codependent but that my belief that I could make myself entirely happy with distractions and things isn't true.. I guess in a paradoxical way finding myself the way I did showed me how wrong I was. The wording doesn't show the paradox in my head that I'm trying to voice.the thought passed. I'm happy though because becoming this "newer, better independent self suffiencent" perfect person that everyone says I should be showed me how flawed that person is. How much richer, deeper, more soulful the person I want to be is. I lost sight of who I was and more importantly why. I think it's important to be driven, self sufficent, but to the point where you slave away for 15 hours a day to accumulate things and you neglect all the people around you without a moment to smell the roses isn't what I want. I want to be successful, very successful, but I want color. I want smells, tastes, love. Not just someone to have, but someone who knows my soul who shares my dreams. I want time to live and read and love each other. Not just spend money to fabricate a romance we never had. Now that is what I'm longing for instead of missing the pathetic relationship we shared. I met this guy, Christian, he's from Italy and he's beautiful. He speaks four different languages, he's successful, but he has a passion for life too, like me. He made love to me the first time we did it in a way you never had the entire year we were together. It wasn't animalistic whatsoever, he carried meninto his room and held me the whole time. Never breaking glance from my eyes. I don't know him very well yet, who knows what will happen. But I saw how much more there is to people and relationships than what we "had". Probably more than Christian is out there too. And I will not settle until the guy who believes in romance the way I do finds me. Now I know he will. Love is as magical as a person chooses to make it and I should've never given up that belief and wasted a year with you. I wish you well, but I do not want you back. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Can I get my condoms back? They would probably be too big for your next guy anyway. Link to comment
Airbag Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Can I get my condoms back? They would probably be too big for your next guy anyway. Hahahahaha thanks man, made my day! Link to comment
jimbobday Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 God I love you so much. Why did you have to be so distant with me, not talk to me and confide in me. I hate this feeling I feel like the bad guy yet I got driven to break up with you. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I just need to move on Link to comment
jordan5508 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I hated your friends from day 1. Glad I don't have to see them again. Link to comment
dansmi12345 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 You simply aren't a very good person. Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Can I get my condoms back? They would probably be too big for your next guy anyway. OMG Thor that is funny..........................when I suspected my DH of cheating and he was abusing me about 2 months ago, I went and bought some magnums and threw them at him and told him "these are from my boyfriend but they will be too big for you!" cause I know how sensitive guys get about that crap. unfortunately since he's a sociopath it didn't even effect him lol...drats! anyway funny though..............................Unfortunately nothing ever phased him or changed him... He would refuse to have sex with me for like a month or so and I'd get mad and grab our lube and say "okay Im OUT of here and Ill need this! he would just be like "ok bye" he didn't even care.......... Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Dh... today's been a long hard day. I suspect you're out again dating. I kinda wish you weren't a sociopath so that you would feel bad and guilty for what you've done I still hope that God punishes you for being so cruel to me for all of these years It's not fair or right... I hope I never hear from you again it would just Pi$$ me off big time knowing you are womanizing and out with women yet trying to get me back so I really hope you leave me alone.......so maybe I am making some progress at last................................................................. I had a nice Sunday, I got to sleep in without you screaming in my face...... I didn't have to rush off to Starbucks to get you breakfast.............. I didn't have to clean up after you and help with your laundry........I didn't have to endure your womanizing! THAT part is GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There was no YOU around to put me down I didn't have to pay for your dinner tonight because I didn't have to take you out......even though you made a lot of money you spent EVERY DIME on YOURSELF...................... Nothing was broken today of mine I went to my fave clothing store and got a cute lil outfit.....it's kinda good to know that outfit wont get ripped to shreds Its nice to know the shoes I got today will stick around I got my kid a toy, so nice to know you won't break it into a million pieces while kicking us to the curb in the middle of the night............................ I remember what a monster you kinda acted like around me and my child the first couple months................I saw good in you (I was delusional) and I had patience with you for you to come out of your shell. you were in a zone, remember? So even if you're dating you're prob in a zone again. you hate going out, you just know it's a "means to an end" I will always be terrorized by our last moments together. Link to comment
Jane00 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Ever since you cheated I've known that you are not worth my time and you are not good enough for me. But now I'm starting to actually FEEL it. It's weird, considering how 3 months ago I would've done ANYTHING in my power to bring you back to me. Now I'm starting to really feel that you'd be a waste of time and you don't deserve a woman like me. Link to comment
Melting Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Thank you for staying away from me on your first day. I so desperately wanted to hold you, but I survived the day and I will survive many more...... Link to comment
Hastyhand Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Okay..feels like I should post into this thread today...over a long time. Today feels weird.when checking paper I saw your horoscope aswell that said the following for today: 31.10.11 Libra You have a beautiful body, a heap of money and a marvellous relationship. What could one want more? Everything miraculous lays inside you. I am truly happy for you, if you do. I hope that new guy can offer you everything I cant. Also at winter those rich guys can take you snowboarding, and then you can have hotshot nights and going to sauna etc. I can see that you`ve obtained this going-out with friends as a lifestyle. But I got sour news for you..all this partying bs grows old quite soon and wears out. Then you can stay home with your new man and do all the kinky stuff to him, that I tought you. And you know what? I even dont care anymore. I feel good that you can express yourself and live the life "you`ve always wanted" as you said. I`m glad that you reached to the place you`ve dreamed of. You are nothing but a Future Faker with GIGS, a girl who never toke responsibility, immature. You didnt have the same commitment and input in our relationship as I did. The difference between you and me is..that I CAN find better, but you cant. Yes ofcourse you can have fun humping that rich guy, but I dont think you and him ever share the same level of connection. Perhaps similar, but not the same. you said the reason of the BU was that you wanted to see "other life"... well you know what? Enjoy it. Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I woke up thinking about you again this morning. I think about you all day long. Maybe because I miss talking to you. I ALMOST wrote your best friend today asking him to let you know I got confirmation that the divorce was signed the 25th! BUT I decided no, even that would be breaking NO CONTACT rule. And I am dedicated to myself and to my friends here on enotalone to remain in NO CONTACT! It's been 12 days since I left, 11 days of NC. I did see you out and about but I hid. But we didn't have CONTACT. It was enough to know you're a snake, a lying, cheating scum bag. Well today I feel better, I was able to cope this morning...I have ups and I have downs. I am wondering how you will take it when you get the actual divorce papers in your hand...my lawyer said she would mail it to you this week. When you open it up it would be nice if you got hit in the chest with emotional pain like a knife. Sadly not sure that happens if you're as crazy as you seem. You may just be like HE#$ yeah and go party that night big time and screw every girls brains out that you can find... I just wish hookers and strippers were not so readily available. Without them I don't think you could find anyone as hot as me. There, I said it! Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I like the adiddas slippers I "forgot" to give you. Link to comment
solost85 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I feel like a million dollars today. Honestly I am walking around as if I have a million dollar check in my back pocket and I'm walking to the bank to cash it. I saw you at work today for a second, I asked you "how's it been here today", you dont even respond or look at me and I just laugh. You are so F'ed up and immature. Even typing this now I have a smile on my face, EAR TO EAR BABY! Link to comment
Jane00 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 It's been almost 4 months and I still can't get over how you betrayed me. It was too much for me to deal with in such a short period of time. How could you be so cruel and inconsiderate? Hell, why are you so damn immature and stupid? Seriously, at your age you “think” you love someone and a few months later you just “change your mind”? You decide that you actually still have feelings for your ex because being the idiot you are, you left your relationship with her unresolved and jumped straight into another relationship. I wish it had been only the fact that you changed your mind, which would have been painful enough. But no, you also had to go and CHEAT on me. I know you didn’t love me or want to be with me anymore. But I know I didn’t deserve that. You have no idea of how much worse my pain was because of your infidelity. You didn’t expect me to find out did you? Even then, how can you have that in your conscience? Do you even realize the seriousness of what you did? I would expect that being 30 and after at least 7 relationships, you would act a little more mature, man up and actually be honest with me and tell me how you were feeling at the time. You knew I would understand and respect your decision. That’s the only thing I asked of you, to be honest with me no matter how much you thought it would hurt me. How can it be easier to go and have sex with your ex than to tell me you didn’t love me anymore? That was the ultimate betrayal, the ultimate disrespect. You preferred to do that and dump me anyways. You couldn’t keep it in your pants until after we were no longer together. You disgust me. I try not to cry but I feel like I'm just bottling up my feelings and I end up crying anyways. It makes me so angry to know that I’m crying and suffering for someone who doesn’t deserve me, someone who doesn’t even think about me anymore, who doesn’t even care. I just want this pain to be over. And I don’t want to get involved with any other man again. I can’t put up with this BS all over again. Link to comment
Scuza Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 How was that physics midterm? Oh wait, you failed it, because you knew nothing two hours before the midterm started. I offered to help, not for any other reason than to help you not fail, but you said no, because you'd 'feel bad about having me help', when I seem to be the only person who can explain it in terms you can understand. Oops. On that note, I TOLD you that you should've taken physics in 11th grade, then told you again in 12th grade. Regretting that decision now? Maybe you should've listened to my advice instead of always brushing it off. Link to comment
Melting Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Its hard sitting next to you and not be able to touch you..... I wonder how you are feeling about all of this? Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I'm still Pi$$ed off at you about the day we took ur car to get the tires...you were such a DIC#$ Wt heck is wrong with you man? What got up your @$$ hole? A couple days before you put me in the hospital you were twirling your wedding band around your finger (your like millionth wedding bang cause you never kept em on long) you told me "I love being married to you!" Don't you know what a complete psycho YOU are? Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I never want to see you again. I never want to talk to you. I never will touch you again. It's very hard to forgive you. I am trying so that I do not become an evil bitter person. I can't hold a grudge. I do not HATE you, but I do want God to punish you. I'm like- God make him lose his job...or...make him wreck his car. I don't want you to DIE I just want your pride to fall...I want you to lose your huge ego and experience humility and grief and feelings for the first time in your demented little life. You spent all your life cursing God screaming at him telling him off while he gives you two great wives and an amazing job! and an amazing family that you hated. I wish God would be like OK ya know what kid I'm done with ya. Just like that. Why is God giving you stuff you don't deserve? More than anything you need to be taught a lesson in humility you need to experience need and human emotion. Maybe it can save you in the long run. You're just a very bad man. You beat your wife. You lost your step child. You lost your house. You destroyed your belongings and my belongings and your step child's belongings. Do you ever stop to wonder what my kiddo thinks of you? That the baby asks about you? that I can't tell them what happened because I can't hurt my baby? You're soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo SICK in the head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooo lucky I got away with my life and my baby's life................................ Say and do what you want. Go live it up with women that will fall victim to your charm. But when you're home by yourself you can sit and think about the fact that you lost the best thing that has ever happened to you and there's NO WAY you don't know that even as a sociopath. You will NEVER get this love again. You def will not find a girl with my personality, spunk and drive for life. Who is gonna just sit there all the time doing the stuff that you love? You took me for granted. And you have a lesson to learn. Like the other dudes that lost me. Guess what? I am not with them. I never gave them a second chance. I am not sure why people take me for granted but it's truly a shame because I don't give second chances when I've been cheated on. Link to comment
Aleina2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I am actually enjoying this NC - because I am doing it to HEAL as opposed to getting you back. And even though I get down from time to time, overall I am really PROUD of myself, I only wish I had done NO pleading AT ALL. But hey, it's normal for people with FEELINGS to cry their love. I am glad that for you "it's much easier this time" (as you told me) - I don't wish you bad because I know I will come out of this stronger and a better person. See, I am already giving you the "gift" of not having to see/hear from/about me ever again for the rest of your miserable life. This is a promise and I DO keep my promises. Link to comment
Robin2904 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 This whole 'taking it slow' friendship thing is not working out so good. You came on SO strong at first, then backed up like crazy and now you have you guard SO far up- WTH? I don't understand you. I thought you changed, telling me how much you missed me, how good it was going be to see me, how excited you were, even KISSING ME.....I'm seriously so confused! You retreated again, and I'm fighting with myself to step back from you. Your being distant and I need to be too. All I know is if we go any 'slower' we won't be moving! Give me a sign, SOMETHING that your not gonna do a 180 on me again. I'm SO scared of that, but it seems like you already have so IDK.... I need to pull back again.....I really do UGH! Link to comment
wanttomoveon Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I'd quite like to give you some abuse right now, but instead I'm just going to have a mini rant here. You are USELESS at anything practical. You have ALWAYS been useless at doing things. Apart from cheating on me. You were pretty good at that and you could be bothered to do that. Is it not important to you that we sort these house issues out ASAP? We want this sale to go through before Christmas and one of the few things I've asked you to do you just don't seem that bothered about doing. You know how much I want and need to get out of this place. Perhaps you have sorted it out but just not told me. If that's the case, pick up your damn phone or send me an email and LET ME KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. Seriously. I don't know why I even bothered. You've left pretty much all aspects of the house sale for me to deal with, so quite why I thought it would be a good idea to have you do this task I have no idea. You've been like this for 10 years, why on earth would I think it would be different now? I am a fool and as the saying goes 'If you want something doing right, do it yourself'. Link to comment
Goodfellas Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I have a strong urge to text you something Halloween related. I know I'd be using Halloween as an excuse for contact, and even though we are in LC, I feel like I'd be breaking NC. Boo! Link to comment
Moonchill Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Outch! I'm hurting myself. Listening to that first song you played me. Everything comes back to me! The memory is só vivid that I can even see your room again. I smell your parfum. The sigarettes. You. Me. Our first kiss. Your wiskey glass. The taste of wiskey on your lips. I miss you so much please come back to me! I can't let go of such a fcking good thing. This hurts so bad. I can't enter your room ever again because this is such a good memory it HURTS. I can't even imagine never turning back to the beautiful thing we had. It's been almost a year. I hope ... I don't know anymore. It's amazing how óne simple song can set me back A LOT OF MILES. This is not normal people. I wish I .. but I can't stop listening to that song because in my heart... I don't want to let go of you at all.. I know it's the best for me because you are not coming back but I just can't. I want to but what if I can't? Desperation. Now I'm just in pure desperation. All over again. Thanks Blur... Thank you very much -_- Link to comment
thelastsong Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 My plants are dying. I've tried really hard to save them, but they just aren't doing as well as they did last year. It hurts so much. Please tell me this is just a bad dream. Please tell me I'm going to wake up in your arms. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now