wanttomoveon

Well, it's been a long time since I felt the need to post here. It's been just over 9 months now and I'm feeling good, but for some reason the past few days you've been on my mind a lot. It's not about missing you, because for the most part I really don't, but I've just been thinking about the bad stuff that happened and wondering how you are now. I imagine you to be really happy, but in reality I have no clue what's going on. So anyway, on Sunday night I sent you a really tiny email after seeing something on TV that made me chuckle and only you would get. I haven't even felt the urge to do anything like that since shortly after we broke up and we haven't spoken since we sold the house, so what possessed me to do it on Sunday I have no idea. You replied today and I should've ignored it, but I didn't. I replied. Still on topic, no 'how are you's?' or anything like that, but I know it's stupid even having this email conversation. We aren't really friends. You're not my *** anymore and you haven't been for a long time. I don't know who you are anymore, so it's a foolish thing to do and ultimately I'm setting myself up for upset. I don't know why I'm doing it, but I should stop. Someone slap me.

I am exhausted and a bit stressed out and it's making me feel quite emotional tonight. I could really do with a hug and a chat, but there's no one around for either right now. It's not that I'm even vaguely tempted to contact you, but because I feel quite lonely I'm reminded of how nice it was to have someone to come home to. Here's hoping for a decent nights sleep tonight.

Ahh man, I feel like utter rubbish tonight. Can't sleep again. Horrible thoughts running through my mind and I can't stop thinking about you and everything that's happened. I know it's all so long ago now (6 months) and I'm sure you're totally moved on, but I'm still here in our bloomin house, having to pack up the remnants of our life together and it's messing with my head. And i'm fighting the urge to call you, which would be totally pointless anyway because there's nothing you can say to make it better and I'd just be making a fool of myself because its 1.30am. And I don't want to seem pathetic, even though that's exactly how I feel. When am I going to be able to let you go? You are now the boyfriend of someone who, it would seem, over a year ago decided she wanted you and was going to have you. Now she has you all to herself at my expense. What kind of person does that? What kind of people are you both? And still, I am sad over you even though you aren't worth my tears. Right now I wish I could forget that the last 11 years ever happened. That I could erase you, and her, from my memory completely. I hope you destroy each other.

I've been doing some packing and came accross Harry and Penguin at the bottom of the chest in the spare bedroom. Remember when our first flat was flooded and they were the first things we thought to rescue? So long ago now. Sad

I hate Sundays.

I hate it when I come to bed and just lay here, unable to sleep. This is when thoughts of you creep in and I start to feel sad. Sometimes it's hard not having you around. I never thought you wouldn't be in my life. We used to laugh and joke about how we were going to grow old and crazy together, like our grandparents. I just always thought we'd be together. Forever. It's not that I haven't accepted that's no longer the case, because I really have, but if I think about everything it still makes me feel so sad. Thankfully I don't think about it so much these days, so that's something to be grateful for. The fact that I'm off down to London on Thursday to use the ATP World Tour Final tickets I bought you for your birthday isn't helping how I feel this week. It's something we were supposed to be doing together. It was your birthday gift and I wonder if you've thought about it this week. I wonder if you'll think of me on Friday, knowing I'll be there and that you should've been too. I still wonder if you ever think of me at all. I don't know why I'm so fixated on that... I just hate feeling like nothing to you. I know it shouldn't matter and even if you did contact me now and tell me you missed me it wouldn't change a thing. If anything it would probably just cause upset and I know you know that. Still, it stings.

Our house is now legally sold and I will be moving out in 3 weeks time. I can't believe how much things can change in the space of 24hrs. I really had resigned myself to the idea that I'd still be in the house over Christmas, but I'm glad that's not going to be the case. I'm glad that it's all going to be sorted soon, but it makes me kind of sad too. This was our home together and we OWNED it. We were so lucky to be able to own a house and we've been very lucky to sell it so easily. I am so grateful for that, but now it's really coming to an end. I've wanted to be able to draw a line under everything and after this there will be no need for us to speak, but I find it hard to believe we'll never speak again. I kind of hope that somewhere down the line we'll be able to talk, but who knows if that's going to be possible. Time will tell. The end is near.

Today I am going to shake myself out of this rut i've been in for the past few days. There have been a few moments of weakness where I've sent you a couple of text messages that I know I shouldn't have, but today no more. I have to get back to business contact only. Onwards. No looking back.

Feeling a bit deflated today. I've felt pretty good for the past few weeks, other than a few worries about the house when I've felt the need to turn to you for reassurance. Last week after passing my driving test I really was on cloud nine and thought maybe I'd turned a corner, but then on Friday my best friends boyfriend broke up with her. She is devastated and I've been helping her as much as I possibly can, but at the moment I know there's nothing I can say or do that will really make her feel any better. I'm just being there for her as much as I can. Anyway, I'd not really thought that much about us in little while, but after seeing her last night I did end up feeling sad about everything that's happened between us. It's sad that after 11 years of friendship, 7 years of relationship, things are now like this. Part of me wishes I could hate you and never want to see or speak to you again, but I just don't feel that way. I've had the odd day or so of thinking I hated you, but I don't. I would never want to be with you again, but I find it sad knowing that we can't be friends. That we aren't friends. Now just two people with history who own a house together. I wonder if you ever think of me and miss me. Surely you must do, even just a tiny bit? I know it shouldn't matter, but no one wants to think that their ex, the most significant relationship of their life, doesn't miss them at all do they?

I passed my driving test today. This feels like the beginning of something really good something positive, something that makes this year feel like less of a write off. In your face DD!!

Just ordered a memory stick so I can store all the photographs & the little pictures you drew for me, meaning I can delete them from my laptop and from my camera. Then I'm going to buy a pretty box and put that and any other little bits, like actual photographs, teddies, jewellery etc, in it and give it to someone to keep for me. It's not that I actually spend any time looking at these things, dwelling on them, but I feel like it's symbolic. Packing you away so to speak. And then, maybe next weekend when I'm actually at home I'm going to have a HUGE clearout and get rid of loads of stuff in preparation for when I move. I can't wait to leave our house and have a fresh start. I know that when it actually happens it will be bittersweet, after all this should have been our home for so much longer, but I will be glad to leave and get a place of my own. Just for me.

I'd quite like to give you some abuse right now, but instead I'm just going to have a mini rant here. You are USELESS at anything practical. You have ALWAYS been useless at doing things. Apart from cheating on me. You were pretty good at that and you could be bothered to do that. Is it not important to you that we sort these house issues out ASAP? We want this sale to go through before Christmas and one of the few things I've asked you to do you just don't seem that bothered about doing. You know how much I want and need to get out of this place. Perhaps you have sorted it out but just not told me. If that's the case, pick up your damn phone or send me an email and LET ME KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. Seriously. I don't know why I even bothered. You've left pretty much all aspects of the house sale for me to deal with, so quite why I thought it would be a good idea to have you do this task I have no idea. You've been like this for 10 years, why on earth would I think it would be different now? I am a fool and as the saying goes 'If you want something doing right, do it yourself'.

I love days like today when I hardly think of you and I feel something like back to 'normal'. I know I don't feel like this every day, but it's good to know that there will be a point in the future when pretty much all days will be like this.

Spooks just finished. We watched every single series together, except this final one. That kinda sucks. That is all.

So frustrated with myself the past few days. I wish I could get off this rollercoaster of emotions. I wish I could move out of this damn house NOW and draw a line under all this . It feels like you are still my present, when really you are my past. I'm definitely relegated to your past, that's for sure. I don't understand how, in previous weeks, I could feel so strong and convinced I'd had 'a lucky escape' from you and suddenly I miss you so much again. * * * is that all about huh? I'm tired of feeling this way and tired of worrying about everything. I'm just tired. I want to let it all go and get on with my life, but until the house is sold and I've moved out I'm not sure I can do that completely. And I still care about you so much. I don't want to see you get yourself into a sticky situation, but I know it's out of my control and you have to figure it out for yourself now. I need to let you go, but I don't know how. It's weird because we were friends for four years before we got together and now I feel like I'm back in friend mode, worrying about you and the decisions you're making. How effed up is that? You lied and cheated on ME, and I'm worried about you?? Or is it just some effed up way of me refusing to accept that you don't need me anymore? Somehow convinced that when it all goes wrong you'll come running to me for help? Perhaps I underestimate you. You'll probably be fine and it'll all work out. I have to learn to care more about myself and make sure things work out for me too. I know that's the most important thing.

I got a bit stressed out this evening. I was worried about some aspects of our house sale and worried about my little brother who might be sick. For the first time in a while I felt like I actually needed to talk to you. In the past you were always the one who would calm me down and tell me everything was going to be ok. If I'm being honest, we didn't really need to speak on the phone. I could have just texted you and kept it strictly business like it has been, but I wanted to talk to you, even though I knew it would probably be awkward. Stupid, huh? It made me cry and there was nothing you could/would say. Of course there's nothing you can say and it's not your job to make me feel better anymore. I understand that and I don't expect anything from you. I think it's just that tonight, for the first time, I can see that we're strangers and that makes me even more sad. We used to be best friends. Obviously this doesn't change anything. You're still a liar and a cheat and I know that I'm better off without you, but tonight I'm wallowing a bit.

It's been a while since I felt the need to post here, but tonight I am so frustrated with you! Sign the damn house sale contracts and agree the brochure so we can start advertising it!! I want to get our house sold ASAP you idiot and you are holding things up!!!

I would really love to be able to listen to '21' by Adele, but thanks to you I'll probably never be able to. Thanks a bunch a$$hat.

I was woken up by a horrible dream involving you this morning. It's been over a week since that last happened and I kinda thought perhaps the 'nightmare' phase was over with, but no! We were having a horrible argument about our break up and you were being so mean to me, saying really nasty things and I was screaming and shouting and hitting you. Nothing like the real thing obviously, that happened very differently, so calmly and full of sadness. Part of me wishes I had gotten really angry when I had the chance, screamed, shouted, lashed out, thrown you out, but I didn't and I can't do any of that now. Now I can't tell you anything. I have to keep you at a distance until eventually we're out of each others lives for good. That seems like a strange concept, but it's how it has to be.

Wondering what you're up to tonight. I'm home alone tonight for the first time on a Saturday night since this all happened. Guess I'm just wondering if you're home alone too. I wonder if you think of your new place as 'home'. I wonder a lot of things, but I guess none of it really matters. I'll be glad when we sell the house and I can live somewhere else, somewhere that isn't ours.

It's 3 months today since 'the night of awfulness' and to be honest, I've been fine most of the day. I hadn't really thought about it/you too much. I went out to the cinema after work, but then on the walk home I started thinking about everything. Then my mum texted me and told me a funny story about my dad and I just had the urge to share it with you because its something you would have found funny when we were together. So I texted you, like an idiot. I've been doing so well at NC and now I go and ruin it by sending you a stupid 'funny' text message *MASSIVE SIGH AT MYSELF* And I know you won't respond and I'll keep checking my phone for the rest of the night, like a loser, hoping you'll reply. And then when you don't reply I'll convince myself it's because you're with her! Meh. And no doubt you'll think I'm texting you because I've been moping around being sad about you, when I really haven't!! Urgh!

Angry today. Really, really angry. And I really want to tell you that I hate you, just how much I hate you right now. I wish I'd felt this kind of anger almost 3 months ago when you came clean about your betrayal. I wish I'd thrown you out there and then and told you to never come back. I wish I'd not been so nice to you. Why have I been so nice to you?! I guess I'm just not capable of being horrible to the people I love, not capable of treating them like sh1t, unlike you. Does it make me a bigger person? I don't feel like a bigger person. I feel like a mug, like a doormat. I wish I'd not made those sobbing phonecalls when I felt like I would die without you, because y'know what? Clearly I'm not gonna die without you. In fact I'm going to live so much more than I have done in the last 7yrs, and then maybe, just maybe if I'm lucky enough I'll meet someone whose going to give me all the things i've missed out on for so long. I hope she breaks your heart when she realises that you're not the person she thinks you are and that you can't give her the things she wants and needs.

10 days NC and today we exchanged an email about unavoidable house related stuff and now here I am, sitting, watching my inbox to see if you send me another one. Also slightly wanting to speak to you now, but I know that it's not a good idea and there's nothing to be gained. I'm pretty mad with myself for doing this, so I'm going to turn off my laptop and move away! I will not cave in and speak to you further.

I makes me so sad that you found someone else you like more than me.

7 days with NC. Thats the longest we've gone without contact in about 10 years. It's not like I even want to talk to you, but today I just feel so empty. I don't want to talk to you because you are just full of lies. I had so much faith and trust in you, believed you were a good person, but you are just a liar and a cheat and should have had more respect for me. You knew I had my concerns about her and you lied to my face and told me she was just a friend and that I was the one you loved and wanted to be with. Lies lies lies. You suck.