Casual Sex.

[vertigoxo]

Casual Sex (n) - Sexual relations not involving a love relationship, esp. brief encounters or an encounter on one occasion.

 

 

 

I've done it before. It was with a friend. I'm sure some of you know of the story. Didn't go so well, but that's a whole different story. Anyways, I might be egged on for saying this, but I do enjoy watching the infamous TV show, "Sex and The City". In a way, it's honest and it gives me a different perspective on what sex meant to me. I used to be a bit sensitive about the whole thing due to my Catholic upbringing, thinking that my first time should be with my husband and no one else. Unfortunantly, life doesn't always go according to plan.

 

I lost my virginity the day after my 17th Birthday with my first (now ex) boyfriend. I used to regret it because of how terrible of a person he turned out to be, but now I don't regret having sex with him; It made me who I am today- A bit experienced and now I know what I want in a guy, both emotionally and sexually. Then, off to bed I went with my guy friend, and I stupidly got my feelings involved, so that wasn't so fun. What flattered me the most was that, even after all of this, the two boys came back later asking for more, if you catch my drift. I must be gifted if I was already considered "great in bed" with only 2 experiences!

 

But anyways... What I'm trying to get at here is, have any of you ever had casual sex before? Did you have fun? Did it hurt you in the end? Did it taught you some life lessons on sex and love? What are your views on people who like to have many casual sexual encounters (but aren't cheaters or whatever when it's time to settle down with one person only)?

[Lonewing]

I can't do it. The blood flowing through my member goes right to my heart.

 

In short, I have sex becasue I have feelings for the person, which is great and wonderful and feels treuly vibrant.

 

You;re problay set up for hurt with casual sex - or you will hurt someone else becasue you become desensitized to the whole monogamy thing.

[vertigoxo]

I can't do it. The blood flowing through my member goes right to my heart.

 

In short, I have sex becasue I have feelings for the person, which is great and wonderful and feels treuly vibrant.

 

You;re problay set up for hurt with casual sex - or you will hurt someone else becasue you become desensitized to the whole monogamy thing.

 

 

Highlighted bold words Too much information, buddy!

 

Anyways, in my opinion, I don't judge people who likes to have sex with people, BUT I wouldn't like them to do it for selfish reasons such as to get popular or noticed more at school/work. As long as they are honest with themselves and the people they are going to have sex with, and as long as they both get tested or atleast use protection... What's the harm?

 

It's wrong to tell a girl you love her just so you can "poke and run". It's wrong to lead people on just so you can have sex with them then break their hearts by saying, "I'm not ready to be tied down yet." However, if you are honest from the start with what you want, then again, what's the harm?

[dragon lady]

Anyway, I have had a few casual sex partners over the years. Not too many because I used to keep them over an extended period of time and I've never had a one night stand. I've had lots of fun! Mine all occurred after breakups when I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, so there was no chance of me falling for them. On top of that, I chose guys who were not my type dating-wise. Once I did get into a relationship, I would end it with them and never look back!

 

I have actually learned a few lessons by having casual sex. Not really about love, but certainly about sex itself and how I respond to it. The experiences have mostly been positive for me. As for other people, I generally think it's a bad idea. I have more of a male perspective on sex, so I don't think it suits most women. Too many women go in assuming that something will come of it or come out falling for the partner. This is obviously very unrealistic. But, if they want to do it, then it's no skin off my back. I don't really care what other people do with their sex lives.

[_Asti_]

I think some people can certainly learn some things about casual sex..especially if they are curious.

 

My guy was in a long term relationship prior to ours, so all he knew was sex + love...so when they split he wanted to see what sex without love was like, and tried casual sex and hated it.

 

I think in the long run, it was good for him to see what the two were like, and how much he does enjoy and cherish sex with mutual feelings involved...plus I don't have to worry about him wondering if he's missing out on casual sex, or missing out on the experience of doing things with no strings attached...gives our relationship some strength and security, I think.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I often hear people justify casual sex, FWBs, having sex in their teens, one night stands etc as "it made me who I am today". Sex doesn't make you who you are...an orgasm doesn't do that. It is your personality that makes you who you are...not casual sex. People who are into casual sex get so irritated by people who make a big deal out of virginity and what it says about how moral they are..but by the same token they themselves use sexual experience as a way of making themselves appear so enlightened so much better off for doing it. Sex does not make people enlightened...if it did then why do so many people turn their noses up at prostitutes who should be so very enlightened because of the power of sex to "make you who you are today". If people want to go out and have casual sex, or sex in their teens that is their choice..but those decisions should not be overblown into something that was such a huge influence on who they are as a person.

[vertigoxo]

I never had an orgasm in my life. I'm not sex-crazed nor am I on the hunt for the next casual screw 24/7. I am happy without sex for periods of time. Sex itself doesn't make me who I am today, but the experiences that are attatched to these moments did made me realize what I wanted out of my future partner.

[ScorpiGal83]

I have had casual sex before... with one guy I knew from the beginning he wasn't my type and I would NEVER fall for him, and I didn't, unfortunately he fell for me and it got a little messy and we had to end it. I never told him I wanted anything more than sex but you know, sometimes you just aren't able to separate it.

 

Then I was seeing another guy after him who WAS my type and I fell for him and we did end up sleeping together, and then things ended because I guess for him he wanted something casual. So I got hurt and I am still angry about it, not really at him but with myself for not seeing the warning signs or maybe just ignoring them.. but he also did not really lead me on either, he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship.

 

Love and sex suck... just keep on with the self-love!

[saffyre66]

After my 14 year marriage ended, I did enter a relationship after a year alone but it failed as I found the commitment expected of me 'suffocating'.. Hard to find the words, but I had this urge to explore my sexuality and meet wildly different types of people that I would never normally have considered being intimate with.

 

Some more confident than me, some seemingly in 'awe' of me, older, younger, different race etc. All wonderful people that I loved to talk to for hours after the 'sex' was over.

 

I lived a bit of a sheltered existence in my teens and early twenties due to shyness and never really 'played the field' - Guess that's what I'm doing now and it's done wonders for my sense of confidence and I've never felt so 'alive'.

 

I do find myself getting more emotionally involved however, as I've cried over one person in particular that I know I'll never see again, but that's the territory I'm in. The increasing involvement must be the signal that I've made a transition, put some lifelong issues to rest and feel ready for a real relationship again. I've got no regrets about this episode in my life at all.

[Batya33]

Never had casual sex. Was somewhat tempted in my teens/20s but lost the desire to have casual sex completely after that because to me sex without love and commitment just is not enjoyable. With all respect I wouldn't be flattered by two men asking you to have intercourse again - it could mean they thought you were good in bed but it could be other reasons including that they knew you were available for casual sex and they were horny. I would not let those experiences influence how you behave in bed as far as the effort you put in to get to know your partner and what he wants.

 

I don't judge people who have casual sex as long as they are single and it is consensual and there is no intentional withholding of STD or birth control information. When I was single I preferred not to date men who had had many partners because they had had many one night stands or casual encounters because that is not a value I was seeking in a future husband. To me that was not judgmental on my part, just my preferences in who I would date as far as potential for marriage.

 

I did have some casual make out sessions when I was single. If they had any lasting impact on me it just confirmed that casual sex was not for me (although I didn't need confirmation).

[ellandroader]

Can't agree more CAD....this is probably my take on this subject too.

 

Me personally? I could never do it. I often get fun poked up at me by my peers because they know I have pretty limited experience and have turned away a fair few offers of this casual thing but I don't really care. I choose to wait for somebody "right" and that is my choice. I have to agree with the double standards that some show over this - making fun of those who choose to live the way I do but at the same time giving it the big I am about casual sex and how it makes them independent and the person they are and so forth. I don't think I am any less independent or enlightened just because I don't put it about freely.

 

In all, I don't really care what anyone does as long as they leave me be and respect my own choices. However if I met somebody knowing they have done a lot of the casual thing, I don't think I would be comfortable with them as I would doubt whether they have the commitment to something long term or if they could associate emotions and feelings with the act.

[Capricorn3]

I agree with all of the above post and also with CAD's post. I'm not into the casual sex scene, never have been and never will be. It's just not my style. For those who are into it, whatever floats your boat.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I never had an orgasm in my life. I'm not sex-crazed nor am I on the hunt for the next casual screw 24/7. I am happy without sex for periods of time. Sex itself doesn't make me who I am today, but the experiences that are attatched to these moments did made me realize what I wanted out of my future partner.

 

You can learn what you need to learn about what you want without sex being involved...just by dating and getting to know someone without jumping into sex...even just by observing people, seeing other people's relationships and how they work.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds to me more like the failure of your marriage shattered your self-esteem so by banging lots of chicks that was a substitute..perhaps it was not banging loads of chicks that improved your sense of self, just the time it took to come to terms with the failure of your marriage. Also, just because someone hasn't "played the field" doesn't mean they lived a sheltered existence. Many people who play the field may know everything there is to know about sex but know very little about life and relationships..now THAT is a sheltered existence. Being proficient in sex and bagging women or men does not make someone "unsheltered". Once again there is too much importance on sex being what makes people "all knowing" in this world. Sex is just sex and doesn't make a person suddenly become all wise, all knowledgeable, all worldly, with an amazing self esteem. Some of the people with the worst self esteem have no problems finding sex partners...in fact, often, it is poor self esteem and a deeply troubled mind which lead people to bang everything in sight..it is not the massive amounts of attention they get which helps them build their self-esteem, it is the sense that this is not what they really want from life.

[vertigoxo]

You can learn what you need to learn about what you want without sex being involved...just by dating and getting to know someone without jumping into sex...even just by observing people, seeing other people's relationships and how they work.

 

Hun, I dated a guy for a year and a half and it's been 5 months since the breakup. I had sex with my guy friend a couple months ago because I had a soft spot for him and I was always very attracted to him. That's all the experiences I had. Before the first guy, I went out on dates with several guys and kissed some people here and there (around the time I was a virgin, of course).

 

I honestly don't see myself going around seeking out many sexual partners, and I'm scared of getting hurt again so I'm keeping well away from people as of now.

[vertigoxo]

Some of the people with the worst self esteem have no problems finding sex partners...in fact, often, it is poor self esteem and a deeply troubled mind which lead people to bang everything in sight..it is not the massive amounts of attention they get which helps them build their self-esteem, it is the sense that this is not what they really want from life.

 

You just described my ex perfectly to a T. He prances around saying "Oh I'm awesome, I'm so cool, I'm so perfect, etc etc" and then secretly tells his closer friends, "I hate myself so much..."

 

Uh. Am I missing something?

 

Right now he is going around sleeping with anything that moves and people are getting rather sick of him.

[ellandroader]

You just described my ex perfectly to a T. He prances around saying "Oh I'm awesome, I'm so cool, I'm so perfect, etc etc" and then secretly tells his closer friends, "I hate myself so much..."

 

Uh. Am I missing something?

 

Right now he is going around sleeping with anything that moves and people are getting rather sick of him.

 

I met a girl a few years ago who was like this. When I found out we weren't going anywhere (because I wanted something solid), she proudly exclaimed her habits and whatnot preaching to me how free she was and enjoying the single life. And had a good go at me in the process.

 

Next thing I know, she calls me one night, wants to meet, had a few to drink then burst into tears because of how bad she feels about herself. Of course I told her she can change if she wants to but as far as I know, she is still in, out and anywhere and everywhere.

 

o_O

[saffyre66]

In fact, often, it is poor self esteem and a deeply troubled mind which lead people to bang everything in sight..it is not the massive amounts of attention they get which helps them build their self-esteem, it is the sense that this is not what they really want from life.

 

What's with this 'banging everyone in sight'? .. Seem to have touched a nerve there

 

You probably see me as just another 'horrid' example of people that live on society's fringes..

I'm a professional educated person, still best of friends with my ex-wife, take my responsibilitites as a parent first and foremost, and not troubled in any way that concerns me. The people I meet fit the same description.

 

I think we'll have to 'agree to disagree'..

[vertigoxo]

So do you guys think that people who "get around" are way too inadequate for maintaining a serious, monogamous long-term relationship?

[saffyre66]

So do you guys think that people who "get around" are way too inadequate for maintaining a serious, monogamous long-term relationship?

 

I'd say that 'getting around' is a perfectly valid way of establishing the 'type' of person you are looking for long-term. I've had the long-term relationship so not inadequate in that respect..

[vertigoxo]

I'd say that 'getting around' is a perfectly valid way of establishing the 'type' of person you are looking for long-term. I've had the long-term relationship so not inadequate in that respect..

 

I beg your pardon, but what?

[dragon lady]

So do you guys think that people who "get around" are way too inadequate for maintaining a serious, monogamous long-term relationship?

 

How would you explain the people who manage to do both without any trouble? Lots of people like to assume that people who have casual sex are doing it because they have low self-esteem or are insecure. I guess it makes them feel better about themselves and their own life choices by justifying it this way. They can't seem to understand that it can be done for no other reason than enjoyment or exploration. I think the morality police need to give it a rest.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

"Getting around" or not "getting around" is not a barometer of whether or not a person can stay monogamous...that comes from within a person. The difference between getting around and not getting around is how you view sex..viewing it as simply entertainment or as something that should be special between a loving couple. I would not want someone who is into casual sex, not because I think they wouldn't be faithful, but because their values regarding sex between two people is not compatible with mine. I don't want a man who has stuck his penis "willy nilly" into all kinds of women's vaginas. Having sex with him would make me feel like I am just another penis receptacle to him rather than a human being. I want someone who sees me as a human being first and foremost...not just another lay who is just the same as Betty, Veronica etc.

[waveseer]

So do you guys think that people who "get around" are way too inadequate for maintaining a serious, monogamous long-term relationship?

 

No way. People who are well experienced and choose a monogamous relationship know exactly what else is out there. They are better educated and therefore less likely to get gigs.

 

I have definitely wanted and participated in casual sexual relationships and while I much prefer sex in the context of an exclusive committed relationship, sometimes sex without commitment beats no sex at all by a pretty wide margin. I'm all for being extremely careful when choosing partners though, keeping the brain in charge.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I often hear people justify casual sex, FWBs, having sex in their teens, one night stands etc as "it made me who I am today". Sex doesn't make you who you are...an orgasm doesn't do that. It is your personality that makes you who you are...not casual sex.

 

Very true! those justifications always makes me laugh for some reason.

Also, experience is not always a good thing that makes someone's personality better! Many experiences just give some people lots of baggage and problems they can't get over for a long time.

 

How would you explain the people who manage to do both without any trouble? Lots of people like to assume that people who have casual sex are doing it because they have low self-esteem or are insecure. I guess it makes them feel better about themselves and their own life choices by justifying it this way. They can't seem to understand that it can be done for no other reason than enjoyment or exploration. I think the morality police need to give it a rest.

 

I agree with you too!! I think casual sex can be done for many reasons. I have had friends that did it for no other reason than insecurity, getting the other guy to like them or get validation, and friends that did it just to get some pleasure out of it. The first group irritate the hell out of me.

 

"Getting around" or not "getting around" is not a barometer of whether or not a person can stay monogamous...that comes from within a person. The difference between getting around and not getting around is how you view sex..viewing it as simply entertainment or as something that should be special between a loving couple. I would not want someone who is into casual sex, not because I think they wouldn't be faithful, but because their values regarding sex between two people is not compatible with mine. I don't want a man who has stuck his penis "willy nilly" into all kinds of women's vaginas. Having sex with him would make me feel like I am just another penis receptacle to him rather than a human being. I want someone who sees me as a human being first and foremost...not just another lay who is just the same as Betty, Veronica etc.

 

THIS. I don't feel I can have a special intimacy with a guy that just does it with whoever he can get.