just want that boy out of my head already!

[disEnchantid]

hey everyone

ok, I have been reading SO many posts by people wanting their ex back, how do they get their ex back, will they ever get their ex back, has anyone gotten their ex back...etc etc. This is not one of those posts. No, after four+ months of no contact it is pretty clear to me he's gone forever. oh well, his loss as far as I'm concerned. BUT he is still haunting me, and it makes me so angry. Everyday I just wish I had never met the guy so I could think about more constructive things. I go to work, who's in the back of my mind? I go to the gym, who am I thinking about? I go to sleep, who haunts my dreams? enough is enough already....when is this gonna end?? is it going to take someone new to finally stop thinking about this guy and hoping he'll call? what are people's experiences with this? Why am I still so focused on his memory when he wasn't always that good to me in the first place?

 

thanks for reading my little rant here. I'm just sick of thinking about this guy and I feel like I have zero control over it.

 

dE

[ForAnother]

I am right there with you disenchanted, however I still love my ex gf. I love her more than any one in the whole world. And not being able to be with her is like without air. I survive on my memory of her, but I hurt at the same time. So I dont know where to think.

 

Guess we can both rant and cry together in this darkness.

 

ForAnother

[disEnchantid]

hey foranother,

I'm sorry you feel so bad, buddy. I was in your place a few months ago. I had to turn that love into anger in order to get my sanity back, so I don't love him anymore, I just feel hurt and angry for what he did to me and put me through. I didn't deserve to be used and then discarded so harshly. Some time apart from your ex will hopefully provide you with a perspective that doesn't give you so much pain to think about her. I still hurt, but I can and will breathe without him in my life. You have to want to get better though before you can begin the healing process, and that means envisioning a future without her in it. best of luck to you-

 

dE

[Sn0man]

Have you started dating other people disenchanted? That always seems to help in forgetting about past relationships.

[kungfumaster]

Hey Disenchantid!!

 

Keep on ranting!! We're all in it together!

 

I know how you feel. We're on the same time-line, and she's still in my head during the day when I'm at work, when I work out, and especially during the holidays.

 

With my first ex (we were together for 1 year and 3 months), it took me approximately 1 year to have her completely out of my head. What did it was that I just started grad school in a new city, and I had met so many people and was so interested in them that I didn't even think about my ex. I was moving on to bigger and better things: new friends, new city, new everything, and I was just happy I was moving up in the world. So the moral of this story is: get out there, meet new people - girls and guys- its so fun finding out about other people (it takes your mind off of your ex, plus, you might meet a potential partner). And you have done this already right!! (I know there were some people you didn't like, but hey - you have to take the good with the bad - I had a similar experience remember - a dating disaster!! ) Just keep doing it though!! Eventually, you'll find some people you really have alot in common with, and then you'll have so much fun, you won't remember what you're ex's name was .

 

With my recent ex - since it is harder for me to meet new people in this isolated city, I am finding it hard to "forget the ex", but I'm still getting by - I will just plan to do more "social stuff" this summer and when I am more "settled" next year. In the meantime, I am trying to "spoil myself" by planning a trip to the Orient, and other small adventures around Canada and the U.S. This will equally take my mind off of the ex, just like meeting new people will. So maybe treat yourself to a small vacation - it doesn't have to be overseas - just whatever you can afford - hey you're in New York - you're close to alot of nice places right - Boston - Toronto!! Visit Canada!! Montreal (I recomment highly). What's the cost of a bus ticket or airplane?? Not much right?

 

About the getting angry at yourself Disenchantid - hey we're all only human. Yes, I get angry at myself too - but the key is, we have to CONSTRUCTIVELY express it somehow or else we'll just bottle it up and get depressed and thinking more about the ex. What I do is run for 45 minutes, and then I pound the punching bag at my gym for 15 minutes until I'm all "angered out". I'm so thankful they have a punching bag. It been such a lifesaver. And then I just do the whole routine again when I feel angry again. If you run, just picture something that really p***ed you off about your ex, and just run like crazy - or you can picture yourself more abstractly as "stamping out your frustrations you had with him"); if you lift weights, "grunt"; if you hit the punching bag, well, just imagine all those times he treated you badly, and go nuts

 

Also time Disenchantid, we have to give ourselves time. This is probably the most important thing. I know, its been 4 months for me too with no contact, but I guess we just need more time. Be patient. And vent here whenever you need it

 

Take care.

Kung Fu

[disEnchantid]

hey kungfu

you're the best!! yea, my dating experiences so far since the ex have been less than ideal...not as bad as what you went through though, you win on that ;-) But I would like to meet more people in general, & I'm trying to find ways to do that. I'm just frustrated that I think about someone so much who most likely hasn't given me a second thought in the last four months, and if he has, has convinced himself I was the devil incarnate anyway, haha.

I'm looking forward to meeting someone new, I suppose I am just impatient for it to happen! i hear all the time that it's when you stop looking though so I've just been trying to do more of the things that make me happy, and I have been feeling much better since I started sewing again.

Thanks for your posts & keep 'em coming! haha

 

-disEnchantid

[Scout]

Meeting someone new is certainly a sure-fire way to lessen the thoughts of the ex. I don't think you're gonna meet them if you're not looking, though. You have to get out there and look - it's a numbers game. The downside is that the odds are you're gonna kiss a few (or a lot) of frogs before you find your prince, but you'll find him that much faster the sooner you start looking. One thing I've been doing to get over my ex is to picture him in an unattractive pose in my mind as soon as I think of him. I don't know if its working, I still think about him a lot, but my eyes have stayed pretty dry, too! It is irritating to think that they can let so much time go by without contacting you, but down the road, you'll be absolutely fine with that. It does take time. There are billions of people out there - if your ex "found" you, why someone else will, too.

[luxe_13]

DisEnchantid

 

I feel the same! It's been 6 months since my breakup and he's still constantly on my mind! It's almost embarrassing now…my friends and family just don't want to hear about it anymore.

But to me it feels like this all happened just weeks ago.

 

Dating others does help – at least temporarily.

I was seeing someone else for a few weeks – and it did help!

 

Although I must admit, I am now back DisEnchantid

 

I feel the same! It's been 6 months since my breakup and he's still constantly on my mind! It's almost embarrassing now…my friends and family just don't want to hear about it anymore.

But to me it feels like this all happened just weeks ago.

 

Dating others does help – at least temporarily.

I was seeing someone else for a few weeks – and it did help!

 

Although I must admit, I am now back at square one.

 

It sucks! I wish I had the answers. But I don't. Just this stupid false hope that my ex will come back and everything will be perfect again….

 

I guess we just have to keep moving forward and try to do as many things as we can to keep our minds occupied. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone else who will love us and make us feel the way our ex's once did!

 

All the Best

 

p.s Kung fu is so right! good on you!

Xx Luxe

at square one.

 

It sucks! I wish I had the answers. But I don't. Just this stupid false hope that my ex will come back and everything will be perfect again….

 

I guess we just have to keep moving forward and try to do as many things as we can to keep our minds occupied. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone else who will love us and make us feel the way our ex's once did!

 

All the Best

 

Xx Luxe

[lisaria]

Hey people. I should have read this post before I posted my last one.

I started out talking about how I finally saw my ex and ended up wanting to know how to get him out of my head. I know exactly what you guys are talking about. I want to forget him. I sometimes wish I had never met him because then I would not be thinking about him all the time. I would not have been hurt and going through this now. Does anybody have any surefire way to forget our exes? It would be worth alot. You could make millions.

[disEnchantid]

hey

thanks for the responses I'm tryin to meet someone new, but it hasn't been going so well. I still miss my ex an awful lot, more than I should. I still wish he would call or write, but I have pretty much given up hope in that department. I still find myself thinking and talking about him way more than I should. It's frustrating and aggravating and I'm angry at myself for continuing to agonize over someone who made it clear he didn't care at all about me. i continue to go back and forth, have good days and bad. I guess I am just impatient for it to stop hurting already.

 

dE

[Hopingpraying]

This is directed toward you all, but specifically Lisaria & disenchanted....

 

I don't think we should try to forget about our EX's, or try to stay mad at them. Its okay to get angry at them, but you have to let it go and forgive them otherwise you will be holding on and prevent the very thing you want which is for you to let go. The only way to let go is to truly honestly reflect back on your relationship and forgive them and yourself for the wrongs that were done. By reflecting back you can figure out what went wrong and prevent it from happening. This is why I think we should never forget our EX's. They are learning experiences like everything else in our lives and if anything we should thank them for what they have given us and move on.

If you are able to do this you will be a much better person, and you will have much better future relationships. Its not like when you are born you are given a relationship handbook and off you go, unfortunately it is trial and error and we all must go through it.. Sucks but we must!!

 

Hope everyone is able to let go. It takes awhile but you will be able too. I am still trying to get to that point myself. But I think about my wife all the time. I have forgiven her. But I still love her with all my heart. I probably always will in some form or another.

[disEnchantid]

Hi H&P,

I really doubt I will ever forget the guy, but what harm is there in trying. I think that the reason we say we want to forget them is not because we don't want to learn from our experiences, but because it hurts too much to remember them right now. In a few years, I probably won't be so saddened by it, but some temporary amnesia would probably make me feel a whole lot better ;-)

 

thanks for your posts

 

disEnchantid

[lisaria]

Hey dis and hoping,

I know what you are saying hoping and I really do try to forgive my ex. Some days I think I have and other days when it is hurting too much and I can't seem to get past it at all I would just like to get that temporary amnesia dis is talking about. Wouldn't that be nice if we could forget the hurt?

I loved the time I got to spend with my ex and the places we went and the things we did. Places and things I would not have seen or done otherwise. I am thankful for that time we got to share. I just miss it so much and I miss him so much and some days it hurts so bad that I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Those are the days I have trouble forgiving him. Why he had to lie and cheat and hurt someone who loved him so much is beyond me and it is beyond my forgiveness meter right now. I know I have to forgive him so that I can move on but right now the pain is just too close to the surface to do that. I will in time.

I have to figure out the lesson I am supposed to learn so that I can move on. I always thought I was a fairly intelligent person, but for some reason these relationship lessons just whup my a@@ and I am stuck. Anybody have any ideas for learning these relationship lessons in an easier fashion?

I still seem to have a hard time figuring out if I want to let him go for good or if I still want to fight for him. Has anybody up here ever fought for someone really hard and eventually won them back? If so, what were your tactics? What would be the one piece of advice for someone like me? Or is it just not worth it?

Anyway....I'm trying to stay strong here. Thanks for being here you guys.

Lisa

[disEnchantid]

hey lisaria

I know exactly how you feel...about the spending time and all. I had a lot of great experiences with the guy and right now my life is kind of dull so I think I romanticize all the stuff we did together in my head, and forget about the arguments and frustrations. I know how you feel cause I miss him a lot too, and some days it just downright sucks. I think you should probably stop trying to think about winning him back though. Anything you do would only push him away. I tell lots of people to go rent the movie "swingers" because one of the very first lines in the movie is one friend telling the other, "there is nothing you can do to make it better. In fact, you can only do things to make it worse." Take the pressure and the onus off of yourself, there is nothing you can do. All you can do is try to help yourself get through this.

I think that intelligence has nothing to do with these kinds of things...being broken up with hurts just as bad no matter how you scored on your SATs. Give yourself time to forgive him, I think it's okay to be angry at them for a little while, because we have a right to be, we did not deserve to have our feelings treated so callously. I think what H&P is trying to say (and correct me if I'm wrong here) is that we need to recognize that anger is only a part of the process and to make sure we don't get stuck there, or we will never be able to fully heal and move on. I say to get it all out, write him angry letters (but don't send them) and read them when you start to idealize him in your mind. once it's out of your system, you can start to forgive, but I think that is impossible while the pain is still so fresh.

hang in there ;-)

 

dE

[fantasia2004]

Dear disenchanted,

 

 

How did that movie end anyway? Swingers? Never saw it but will.

 

Yes it is true I guess maybe we should all give up trying and stop moping and get on with actually living . Time does not stand still does it? Why go back as much as we all like to -me too included- to someone that does not want us? I deal with that everyday! It hurts me like hell but we go on.

 

Cheers to the survivors and the strugglers.

 

Remember it is their lost not ours.

Do not blame or beat up on yourself.

[TheRock]

Hi,

This is to eveyone who contributed to this thread. Thank you. This was a great discussion. It made me feel so nice while I was reading it. We all share some very similar feelings. I too wish for those old feelings I had while with my ex. It can be so confusing sometimes. I am anxious to get her out of my head too. It has been 3 1/2 months now and I am so surprised at the hold this relationship has over me. I have done the no contact thing for the entire 3 1/2 months and like some of you guys, I still find myself waiting for her call. Intellectually, I know it is not coming though. I have a few other questions though. Can someone help? How do I figure out what parts of the relationship I should not have accepted and what parts are things that I should have learned to forgive at the time?

I find myself having a hard time distinguishing what was not acceptable on her part and what I did that was not acceptable. These questions are what's holding me back in getting over the relationship. (I think). Sometimes, I blame myself for the reason why the relationship went bad. I think, if I could only have been more mature. At other times, there are things in the back of my head that tell me that she could have been more mature in ways too. How do I figure these things out?

[disEnchantid]

hey rock!

thanks for your post. I understand that little battle that wages in your mind over whether things you did or the other person did were responsible for contributing to the disharmony. I find myself replaying interactions in my mind, trying to analyze them or see some hidden signs in them. But you know what? It's impossible. It's just one more way we keep ourselves connected to the other person (even if it's only in our head). It doesn't let us just accept that things didn't work out, it was for reasons that we may never fully understand, and it will work out better with someone more suited to ourselves.

I love the quote you have at the end of your post, and I'd like to ruminate on it a little bit. As humans we strive to find explanations for the unexplainable, in order to understand and master the world around us, providing us with more control over our own destiny. It's futile though, we can not control the actions of the people we choose as partners, and we should not try to. It is the wish of a child to have everything go his way, but as adults we need to face disapointment with flexibility and resiliance. I think it is important to see these experiences not as baggage, but as stepping stones and lessons learned. The more bad relationship experiences you have, the more you will be prepared to recognize and appreciate when a good one comes along. The people we end up with will be very lucky people indeed.

 

best of luck to you, please PM or AIM me anytime if you need someone to talk to.

 

-disEnchantid

[BlueJavelins]

Ahh this is just what I needed. How the heck am I suppose to get my Ex out of my head when she lives just down the street from me, goes to the same school as me, and is in one of my classes and sits not far from me. I can't do anything without thinking about her. In this kind of a situation I don't see anyway I can get her out of my head. ](*,)

[TheRock]

Thanks for the reply disEnchanted-I am glad you liked the quote. Here are a couple of other quotes that I like to call upon at times.

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

This next one is simple but true.

"Tough times never last. Tough people do."

Hope they help.

[lisaria]

Hey people,

I know what you mean about trying to analyze everything Rock. I will go over and over stuff that I did or said that just seems stupid when I look back. But it's like dis said, it's one more way of hanging on. Sure we want to know what we did wrong and that is something we should figure out, but they did things wrong too. It takes two to make a relationship work and they didn't want to put the effort into it. That's what it all boils down to. It seems to me that if you want to know, then write it down. Make a list of stuff that you remember she did and stuff that you did that doesn't feel right to you now and may not have then. But put it on paper, look at it and learn from it, then burn it. Make it a rite of new beginnings. I think I'm going to do that myself. Get them out of our head once and for all

I don't know if that would work or not, but it's worth a try. Nothing else is working.

Lisa

[disEnchantid]

hey lisaria!

nice post. I wish it were that easy though ;-) It seems no matter how much I rationalize it in my head, my heart is still hurting. I feel so betrayed and let down still, I guess I have never taken disapointment very well. How do you rationalize in your head the person you thought you had, and who they really turned out to be? I can't reconcile the person I loved with the person who was so hostile and hurtful at the end. I guess I just need to reach the point where I don't care who he was either way. I try so hard to let go, but it still haunts me.

 

dE

[lisaria]

Hey dis,

I really wish there was some way to just forget all of the hurt that our exes put us through. I can't rationalize it at all. It's like he became someone else. There was the man I fell in love with and the man he turned into. They are not the same men. The man I fell in love with sent me flowers and couldn't wait to see me or touch me. He was special and he treated me special. He couldn't wait for me to come over and for us to be together always. The lunches we shared, the love we made, the time we had together. He did love me, I don't think he was faking that. I don't know, maybe you can if you're a guy. (Sorry guys) So what happened?

I know that I became clingy when he started pulling away. I also quit doing the little things I had been doing because I felt like they no longer mattered to him. He quit doing the little things too, they became a chore. Outside influences started eroding away our happiness.

The longer time goes by the more I seem to forget the bad things. The moodiness he would show, the distance he would put between us when he was thinking of someone else (that's what I assume now) and stupid me always thought it was something that I had done. The times he would not call or not want me around. The days he wouldn't email me or would answer with very short msgs. that made me think he was mad or bored with me. The things he didn't want to do because he said that he felt like he "had" to do them. He said I expected them. Calling to wish me a good night and tell me how his day had been and asking about mine. Spending our spare time together. Was that expecting too much? God knows I never thought I expected anything, I was just happy when he did those little things.

Getting back to the topic. I get sidetracked so easy.

He hurt me and I don't know if there is anyway whatsoever to rationalize what he did or what any of the other exes did. We just have to come to some sort of conclusion, some sort of ending that will allow us to move on. To hopefully find someone who will be worthy of what we have gone through and never go through it again. To learn from this and to put it behind us. To know the warning signs so that we will be able to set our limits and not let anyone treat us this way again. We will be so very much stronger and wiser and that makes us much more beautiful.

I'm sorry dis, I don't think I answered your question, but it sure felt good to get that out. Is there any way to rationalize another person's behavior? I guess there is something out of whack in their personality, their ego that makes them treat people like they did. We are better than that and we will stay strong, and thanks to this site we know that we are not alone.

L

[disEnchantid]

wow, reading your post was like reading my own story. I could relate to so much of what you wrote. It's kind of comforting even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I read this book called "men who can't love" back when it first happened and I was like, this kid is the poster child for this book. It sort of took a lot of the blame off my own shoulders for me, even though I do take responsibility for my contribution to how it all went down.

I guess the best thing to take away from the experience is knowing how not to make the same mistakes again, and know when to run from a certain type of guy...I had my suspicions all along but he kept insisting that I had to trust him or it would never work. I'll know better next time, hopefully.

stay strong lis ;-)

 

dE

[TheRock]

Hey Lisa and disenchantid,

 

Your experiences are very similar to mine too! I think it is really interesting how relationships work in this way. It must be basic human nature to act in certain ways, especially when a realtionship is ending. One partner always seems to want to be closer and the other partner seems to pull away from this closeness. I think the realization of this fact will help us identify our behavior and patterns in the future, and help us have better relationships. (i.e.-try to be more disciplined in the future when the clingy feelings surface.)

Also, something that has been helping me (a lot), is to keep doing things that make me feel like I am achieving something. Working out has been a big part of my life for the past few years and it has certainly helped me get through this. I think if I sat around at home after work everyday, I would have been considerably more depressed. Also, I decided to make an effort to help other people in little ways all the time. Having someone say "thank you" seems to put a smile on my face and gives me a sense of importance. I also decided to take another art class. These things all add to my sense of self. This is what we need to strengthen to get over our X's. Also, I noticed this little trick seems to working very well lately. Whenever I feel that sad feeling coming over me, I let myself feel it. I tell myself it is just a feeling and it will pass, then I tell myself that nothing in this world can hurt me. Even if I was with someone, I would have to take care of myself in the end anyway.

Also, tell yourself everyday that you are growing more confident as an individual. Although it might be difficult to believe at first. You will begin to believe it after a couple of weeks. You will notice the difference. Trust me. Just tell yourself this everyday as much as you need to. You will begin to believe it and then you will feel the healing start in a noticeable way.

[disEnchantid]

hey rock!

You give the best advice! I love your suggestions and have been doing a lot of them already, like working out and trying to do nice things for people. I sewed something nice for a coworker who had done me a favor and she was so excited and happy about it, she still talks about it and wants to pay me to make more for her friends & family. I won't accept any money beyond supply costs though. But I like the idea of convincing yourself that nothing can hurt you. I aspire to have that strength where I truly believe that

 

dE