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Husband is having Cyber Sex


glenpearl
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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I don't know if i have this in the right catagory, but here goes.

 

I have no one to talk to about this, my Husband has been having Cyber Sex with someone on the Internet i caught him by going through his Emails the first time was about 12 months ago, i put a stop to it or so i thought within a couple of months of finding out...Since i have caught him another 4 times, and at one point he got friendly with a girl and actually left me for one night and went to her, he was making plans to be with her for over 2 months, i found out because i put a key logger onto his computer and saw everything he was typing to her. Because i love him so much i was willing to forgive him, but i will never forget what he did to me.. He says he did not have sex with her when he met her and that he did stay at her house, but decided that he could not go through with leaving me and came home... Since all this i have caught him again having cyber sex with another woman whom i Emailed and told her to stay away from him and told her in no uncertain terms what i thought of the pair of them for what they were doing, He promises me each time that he will stop, and can never give me a reason why he does it, and just last week he started again, i saw what was happening and again Emailed the woman, and told her what i knew, she had the decency to email me back and say sorry and that she would stay away from him, but just today i found that they are planning to Cyber but i came into the room unexpectadly and put a spanner in the works for them...He does not know that i have the key logger still on his machine, am i wrong in thinking there is something wrong with me, our sex life is good when he can be bothered with sex, but then i allways imaging him thinking about these other women when he is with me.. I cant understand why he needs to do these things, and the women are allways younger than him in their 30s, he is 52, they have all seen a picture of him as all this goes on in a popular question and answer site via email..

 

What can i do to stop him, or will i ever stop him, i am so upset with all this to the point that i hardly sleep and i get so that i can't eat either...I feel that he does not love me although he says he does, and what he says to these other women are just words, but they are intimate words that he should only say to me as far as i am concerned...

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I doubt you will ever be able to stop him. It's pretty hard to control someone else's behavior. But you can control your own for sure- why keep putting up with it? It can't possibly be fun for you to monitor his internet usage and then email strangers telling them to stay away from your husband. The bad things about this relationship (lack of trust, cheating, lying, etc.) far outweigh anything good you could say about him, really.

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The reason people don't stop is because they don't want to stop. He needs to know that he has a problem and if he can't stay stopped on his own he needs to seek help. If he is unable/unwilling to commit himself to a life free of cyber sex with people other than you then you need to leave him to save your sanity.

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I really do not believe in Cyber Sex at all, you know... most people will say "Yeah it could be healthy, keep them from actually cheating" Bologna! I do not agree. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think ... if he's happy with you, why in the hell would he possibly need to Cyber?

It's way easier to see outside of the box, rather than in it. You are in the box, and so it's hard to see but from the sounds of it he has you on strings like a little marionette puppet. He is telling you that he will stop, but it's just getting worse. It almost seems like he knows you will find out, and he doesn't care, cause' he can sweet talk you and you keep putting up with it.

You don't deserve this type of behavior from him, especially if he actually left you for a little bit' for another woman. Think about it, he tells you he will stop ... does he? No, so do you really think that when he says he couldn't "go through with it" and that he didn't have sex with her ... would you believe him? I wouldn't.

 

I would say that this is sort of an addiction for him, and possibly a crisis. Being that these women are all much younger, I would say it's just something he has to do right now.

I'm not part of your relationship, I don't know how long you have been married ... but personally speaking, I'm not sure I could continue to be married to this guy. I mean you could always hope that it's just a crisis, and he'll eventually stop ... but what if he doesn't? And you obviously don't like it, and he isn't respecting that. You should really be asking yourself if you can handle it, how "bad" is this affecting you? Maybe if you really want the relationship to work, why not try some counseling for the both of you?

 

I think he has already pushed it too far, the whole leaving you for a little bit' was enough for me. He has done it once, and he will do it again (obviously, as you have found out) You need to have a serious talk with him, and even threaten him with your marriage. If he still does it even after knowing there is a risk of divorce, then I would really consider letting it go.

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Kick him to the curb, like the sewage of a man he is.

 

He's definitely not going to stop. Why hang onto someone like this? He's no catch. Find someone who will never disrespect you, lie to your face, make empty promises, and further possibly spread STDs to you. What a disgusting piece of trash.

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You have said all that i was thinking, we have been married for nearly 8 years and up to 12 months ago when he found the question and answer site our marriage was fantastic, i thought it was until i found the emails anyway.. I can tell when he is talking to someone all the signs are there, clicking off the site all the sweet talk to me and so on.. I have threatened him with a divorce if he didn't stop and then he started again. I think i do need to take dramatic measures now for my own sanity....Thank you

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Maybe he would "be bothered" to have sex with you more often if he wasn't exhausting and fulfilling his sexual needs with strangers on the internet.

 

The first time you caught him was 12 months ago, you have no idea how long it was going on before then.

 

I'm sure he does love you in his own little way but it wouldn't be enough for me in that situation. He almost left you once so how much can he really love you?

 

I can't say whether he had sex with the woman whose house he stayed at, but my guess is that at least something went on.

 

Emailing these other women is all well and good, but they are not to problem, he is.

 

I dont think he will be stopping this behaviour anytime soon. He obviously enjoys it so why would he? You will just keep catching him over and over again.

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First, it's not any problem with you. Guys and girls just cheat sometimes. Cybersex is just exciting for some, and he may think its better than actually cheating. If you love him and there's other things in your relationship that you really enjoy. Think of this, if you divorce him and date in the future....the next guy you could fall in love with may be having cybersex now or some other freaky thing.....why, am I saying this because.....everyone always suggests divorce and starting over.......when you may find a worse problem out there....truth, he's having sex in front of a computer, talking dirty, etc.....it is not fair, but don't just divorce unless you really don't love him. Instead, tell him you love him, but so don't understand him, but you're not his mother, you have no desire to have to police his behavior. You want a healthy relationship, you can forgive and forget in time, but no more camera and but a blocker on your computer. And maybe in a few weeks a trip somewhere there's no computer!!!!!!! I know I do live in a dream world, but the truth which one is worse him a drug addict stealing your money...cheating with next-door-neighbor.... abusive hateful controlling husband or some guy going through prob a midlife crisis that has found something that makes him feel young, exited....sorry if not acceptable to the divorce, get a new one idea.

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I think the fact that you have pleaded with him to stop doing this and he KNOWS how you feel about it, but continues to do so, is the deal breaker here. Marriage is supposed to mean fulfilling the other person, lifting them up, supporting them...'give and take'. He seems to be all take and no give. If the tables were turned and you were the one cyber-sexing...how would he feel? What would he do? Have you asked him if he would mind if you started doing this on your own? I'm sure we all know what the answer would be. He would probably not approve. The fact is, he is being sneaky and under-handed about something he knows good and well you will not stand for. He is cheating, plain and simple.

 

It's disrespectful, it's selfish and it's just plain wrong. If he doesn't stop, I wouldn't blame you for divorcing him. You do deserve better treatment.

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I don't believe that he walked away from that one night stand like he says he did... I truly believe he slept with her, because if he really felt so bad about it that he couldn't go through with it, he probably would have stopped EVERYTHING he was doing wrong.

 

At this point it doesn't seem like he's going to stop, so he's basically put the ball back in your court.

 

Honestly, if you do intend to leave him, you should probably make printouts of things, depending on the state where you live, that may be usable material....

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. No one can or should tell you to walk away from your marriage. You have to make the decision that's right for YOU.

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I don't know what emailing the women will do, it's your husband who is doing something wrong, he is the one who should have a sense of responsibility towards you not them.

You have set a pattern that tells him it's ok. You have stayed with him through all that he has done showing him that the repercussions of his actions are not that bad.

If you want him to stop you need to show him what will happen if he continues...by leaving....i don't see any other way.

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The only thing "wrong" with you is that you have tolerated this for over a year! He has a problem and it's one you cannot solve. Keeping a device on the computer, emailing the women and taking your anger out on them is only serving to exhaust you and take an unhealthy toll on your well-being, as you have seen.

No ammount of sex or sexiness or whatever you can bring to the table is going to cure his problem. You need to focus on YOUR problem, which is tolerating and accepting this. You can only change yourself.

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Why do you think he is doing this? Asses your relationship.

 

CHEATING Is ALWAYS wrong. There are no excuses, but if you really want to save this relationship you have to asses what went wrong, don't make excuses for him, without turning a blind eye to your faults or his own, do you think there is a reason for all this other than he is just being a jerk? if no, then hes not worth the effort.

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