pinkelephant Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 We're not therapy replacements though. We try to help to the best of our abilities. If you get easily hurt over comments here and there, a professional therapist would be the only ones well trained enough to handle your issue with care. Otherwise, most of us will just try to do OUR best from your posts. I'm sure NONE of us are malicious intentionally. If there are such members, report it to the mods. Those are so far in between, as far as I can tell. Link to comment
jahur Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 some common sense at last! "you can please some people all of the time but you cant please all the people all of the time"! (i think i got that right) Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I have mixed feelings about this topic. On one hand, I agree with the OP and a few others that people come to this site at difficult times in their lives and that their emotions may be very raw, and that getting a dose of "tough love" may be very painful. As Grrrr pointed out, we don't know what some posters' states of mind might be -- they might be extremely emotionally fragile, and advice presented with a "tough love" approach might make a person's emotional state even worse. On the other hand, I agree with others who have said that some posters take offense to being told something they don't want to hear, something that they NEED to hear, particularly if they have posted about the same situation repeatedly and don't seem to be taking any action to rectify it. In these cases, I can understand the "tough love" approach. It's frustrating to someone spinning his or her wheels, coming up with justifications for NOT changing his or her situation and yet complaining when it stays the same or keeps getting worse. Regardless, I think it is possible to NOT sugarcoat while at the same time being tactful. Many posters here are VERY adept at being honest while still being civilized and humane. As with every community -- online or otherwise -- there are some people who are NOT capable of this. I think the moderators do a pretty good job of censoring those in the latter category; it's not a perfect system by any means, but I have never seen a site that was this effectively moderated before. Certainly, rude posters slip through the cracks; peoples' sensitivity levels differ, and it's impossible to know in some cases what will offend people or how many people might get offended by something. It's a difficult job, and the mods have some tough calls to make, I'm sure. My thoughts, in summary: Be honest, but be tactful. There is no need to browbeat a poster in the name of tough love. Almost ANYTHING, no matter how sensitive, can be said tactfully if people take the time to do it. To those who might be offended by what other posters say: Yes, this is a support community, but just like life "in real life" offline, you are going to run into people who are going to say things that hurt you, things you don't like. Peoples' perceptions vary wildly, and what upsets you may be perfectly acceptable to someone else, so the mods can't go removing every post that might hurt someone's feelings. If a particular poster's posts upset you, report them, put them on "ignore" and don't read their posts anymore. Ignore them, and they can't hurt you. And, if enough people ignore them, they'll often give up and go away. In my 2 1/2 years here, I've only put one poster on "ignore." This person had never been rude to me personally but was awful to other people, and I couldn't stand reading posts this person made. Not surprisingly, this person is not a member anymore, and hasn't been for some time. Often, these things sort themselves out, kind of like the playground bully who finally gets called on his bully behavior. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 To add to leaving ENA, It really bothers me when I was a mod and I was constantly getting PM's with complaining, accusing, cussing me out, and, sometimes, threats. The truth is though, you won't find a better community online. So, when people complain about the way ENA is run, it really gets my goat. We do are best and the mod staff is voluntary here. It's a huge time commitment and it's a commitment to helping out complete strangers. So, when people call us corrupt simply because we are a mod, it's extremely frustrating. Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 OK. I guess there's only one way to say this to where it's easily understood by everyone... It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it!!! Link to comment
g84 Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Sometimes i have read very hurtful things on here, but overall i have found this place more stable than others. I used to occasionally visit this other kind of forum, and you wouldn't believe some of the things people say to eachother on there : (. It's what initially pushed me to come back here (i had left for a good while). On here, i find that many people try to be helpful/respectful, and a person who is looking for help will usually find something positive. It's definitely not perfect, i agree, but..i think it's a safer place in a lot of ways. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Oh, and btw, I have ceased participating in other message boards when they got too unpleasant or I did not agree with how they were being run. Choosing to leave a place where you're not comfortable or feel you are being attacked IS a viable option. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Well Plenty of Fish is a dating site hun... This place is called E NOT ALONE... People would assume it's a place to be consoled... not given attitude. And yes, I see it too. But I'm the type to say something back if need be so it's all good. I know very well the difference between ENA and POF.... POF has forums too and very like ENA, where people will post and seek advice. Whatever the name of the forum, people still have the SAME feelings and may be posting in times of emotional turmoil.....hence why I compared them both. POF are the worst of the worst IMO. And is why I left.... Link to comment
jahur Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I'm sorry. I've re-read this several times and have come up with several possible interpretations....and no idea if I've hit on the right one....finally, no one is making anyone else stay here. If you are that annoyed, disgruntled, upset, enraged, discomforted, dissatisfied or otherwise unhappy, you are free to go anytime Perhaps you'd care to clarify your intent in posting this, since it appears to be addressed directly to me? yes, if you dont like it piss off! thats my take on it! isnt this exactly what were are discussing, misconstruing and alike???? Link to comment
Qut81 Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Part of my prob is that I dont relaly understand what some ppl consider disrespect. Remember the poster who wanted to drug her mother so she could sleep over her bf's house? I got dinged for flaming bc I told her to use a condom bc shes not mature enough for a kid. Something someone else even said and didnt get her posted deleted. I dont feel I am rude unless someone is rude to me, therefore, it would be helpful if someone does get banned or accussed of flaming, to give examples. Bc to me, that might not be rude. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 OK. I guess there's only one way to say this to where it's easily understood by everyone... It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it!!! Ok, you just said in one sentence what took me 5 paragraphs to say. There has to be balance: People need to realize that they're not always going to hear what they want to hear, but at the same time, there IS a way to deliver nearly ALL advice/feedback in a tactful way. Link to comment
avman Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it!!! That's it in a nutshell. You can tell someone you think they are making a mistake by saying "I think you are making a mistake" or you can say "You are such an idiot, no wonder he broke up with you." Link to comment
avman Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Part of my prob is that I dont relaly understand what some ppl consider disrespect. Remember the poster who wanted to drug her mother so she could sleep over her bf's house? I got dinged for flaming bc I told her to use a condom bc shes not mature enough for a kid. Something someone else even said and didnt get her posted deleted. I dont feel I am rude unless someone is rude to me, therefore, it would be helpful if someone does get banned or accussed of flaming, to give examples. Bc to me, that might not be rude. We won't discuss specific situations on the open forum. Please contact the moderators privately for any sort of discussion about a situation where you have a question. Link to comment
jahur Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 OK. I guess there's only one way to say this to where it's easily understood by everyone... It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it!!! sorry couldnt understand that, could you say it louder!!! lol lol correctamundo! Link to comment
D_Lish Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Pretty much sums it all up.... Good post Link to comment
Lucabrasi Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 To the Mods: If a particular person does not respond well to harsh criticisms or "tough love" OR they themselves feel a particular poster is out of line and has offended them. Lets say they report a post and all that they wish is for someone to stop posting in their thread when the persons point has already been made and they are just being rude and piling on for self gratification. Is there a way that the OP can get a mods help in ushering the antagonist along to the next thread? Or will the mods conclude that (in their own discretion, not the OPs) the post are valid as "tough love" Who's call is it? personally, I feel it should be the OPs. If a point has been made, I think an OP should be able to say "Thank you for your input/opinion, I'll consider it but I would very much appreciate it if you could move on now, thank you" Is that possible? Is there a way for an OP to avoid redundant bashing from many different posters? If someone is kindly asked to stop providing their advice, becuase it is too blunt or hurtful, shouldn't the mods respect that persons feelings? Shouldn't everyone? Link to comment
dangletsbang Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 you can use the ignore option if you don't like what another poster is saying. Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I agree that a lot of members here have been disrespectful, and most of those members get caught up on very quickly. As for whoever it was saying the mods have favourites I think that is wrong. I have got along very well with many moderators here, but that has not stopped them from telling me if I have gone too far or been totally out of line. Link to comment
Lucabrasi Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Part of my prob is that I dont relaly understand what some ppl consider disrespect. Remember the poster who wanted to drug her mother so she could sleep over her bf's house? I got dinged for flaming bc I told her to use a condom bc shes not mature enough for a kid. Something someone else even said and didnt get her posted deleted. I dont feel I am rude unless someone is rude to me, therefore, it would be helpful if someone does get banned or accussed of flaming, to give examples. Bc to me, that might not be rude. Qut, I remember that thread for the very reasons I put in my post above, the OP got gang-raped over and over again post after post after post, people not advising her but telling her how wrong she was (not only about the one sleeping pill) but about other related things people came to their own conclusion about. at some point, enough is enough. that girl left halfway through that thread and hasnt been back. They didn't even get to read half of the rude posts being made there. Do you guys seriously want to drive people off? Just give your advice and let it sink in, this isn't an argument. Is it? Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 It's a public forum. You ask the question. They give the answers. We get rid of the ones that go against the rules. If you feel that one particular person is getting on your nerves, you can ignore that person by using the ignore feature. If there is a gang mentality arising, we will break it up. Gangs are the worst though. Often being completely in the rules in their posts but aiming to put down the OP. I can only think of 1 or 2 cases of this happening. Link to comment
avman Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 People cannot dictate who replies to their threads. We don't allow someone to ask for only the advice they want and have us to step in and disallow the advice they don't. If you choose to post you're going to have to take the opinions that you get - again within the bounds of what is respectful. Now if you don't want to look at posts made by a certain person you can certainly add them to your ignore list. That's the best way to avoid someone whose advice you simply don't agree with. If they are attacking you, calling you names, baiting you, and so on then please do report the post. We will review the situation and take whatever action may be appropriate under the circumstances. Link to comment
Qut81 Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Qut, I remember that thread for the very reasons I put in my post above, the OP got gang-raped over and over again post after post after post, people not advising her but telling her how wrong she was (not only about the one sleeping pill) but about other related things people came to their own conclusion about. at some point, enough is enough. that girl left halfway through that thread and hasnt been back. They didn't even get to read half of the rude posts being made there. Do you guys seriously want to drive people off? Just give your advice and let it sink in, this isn't an argument. Is it? Well, in that situation she WAS wrong. I think ppl were mostly scared she was going to kill her mother. Thats a very serious topic and yes, some ppl got heated but it was unbelievable. The girl was going to do what she wanted anyway....she wasnt listening to anyone. Ppl were trying to get her to listen... Link to comment
avman Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Well, in that situation she WAS wrong. I think ppl were mostly scared she was going to kill her mother. Thats a very serious topic and yes, some ppl got heated but it was unbelievable. The girl was going to do what she wanted anyway....she wasnt listening to anyone. Ppl were trying to get her to listen... As you can see, there are multiple sides to any story. Lucabrasi you have your take on it. Others have quite different perspectives. That's what it is all about. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 yes, if you dont like it piss off! thats my take on it! isnt this exactly what were are discussing, misconstruing and alike???? And that wasn't my intent. Sometimes people get stuck into thinking they have to put up with crap. Just look at some of the threads posted by people in abusive relationships. If someone's feeling persecuted, picked on or singled out in a negative way, they sometimes forget they have the ultimate power -- to remove themselves from the situation, either temporarily or permanently. As I mentioned a few posts back, it's an option I have taken on more than one occasion Oh, and btw, I have ceased participating in other message boards when they got too unpleasant or I did not agree with how they were being run. Choosing to leave a place where you're not comfortable or feel you are being attacked IS a viable option. Link to comment
Qut81 Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Sorry for my ignorance but what is baiting? Link to comment
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