Why are some people are so rude on this site!!!

[Mavh25]

Nar I never said there was an extraordinarily large amount, but theres more than ther used to be.

 

Yeah humans aren't always nice, but like JustMe said, this is ENA.

[jahur]

What was that gonna do? it would'nt of affected the mods the way it did for me, her post would of got deleted and she would of been told something and that would be that.

 

It had already gotten to me.

 

 

if it was of such a horrific nature then surely a natural expulsion would occur...surely?

 

do you know for sure the bad poster would of been dealt with in this way

[Cognitive_Canine]

Oh I have had some personal attacks on this site which I believe were uncalled for. I will not name people or anything though. Some people are extremely rude and biased in their opinions, especially some from the "breaking up", "healing after a breakup or divorce" and "ex girlfriend/boyfriend relationships" forums. I don't mean everyone there is like this, I just have had an entire thread spammed with hateful posts just because I said that I had broken up with my boyfriend because it just wasn't working out. I was completley shocked.

 

I had two posters tell me that my boyfriend must be gay since we hadn't had sex. They said some awful, awful things to me. That was about a year ago too.

 

One of those posters was from a different culture, and, over time has actually became a really great and understanding poster who changed his thinking drastically.

[KG]

I don't see much rudeness here. It used to be a lot worse.

[doityourself]

Im sorry I dont agree with this tough love as everyone is explaining it. I can get that anywhere.

 

Most come to this site to express how they feel, whether it be some little thing or some huge thing that is going on in their life. I think there is enough tough love in this world that people should have a place to come to and talk without feeling ganged up on or have someone tell them that thier problem is not worth thier time to make an effort to be nice and say something positive to that person.

 

Yea, I may not agree with everything said or advice given but I dont make other people feel like ****.

 

My point of this post was to see how other people felt about this. Im not trying to start an argument about who said what. Im not talking about a particular person, I just think that before you post a reply you should think about how that person is going to take your opinion.

[retired1]

That makes a lot of sense. I hate when ppl force their opinions on me. Ive even had mods do that.

 

Also, some ppl DO NOT respond to tough love. It works for some but not others. That is something a person should not do unless they know the person and the situation.

 

I'm not saying certain situations don't require brutal honesty, but we have to recognise the ones that it just is'nt necessary for.

 

Put ourselves in their shoes, try to understandtheir state of mind. Some people just do it for everyone, and think they're super cool cos they were brutal... not good imo.

 

This isn't a professional "group therapy" site or anything like it. People come here to relate, get advice, and all in all, it's a good site for it. However, if what you read affects you THAT much, you need to step back from the keyboard and realize that this is JUST a website where a lot of folks gather to congregate and help each other out.

 

Is being up front and not sugar coating your words rude? Absolutely not. And I have yet to see any staff member step out of line when it comes to providing advice. In the cases where brutal honesty was provided, it was absolutely necessary.

[jahur]

Nope, not for sure, but my frame of mind was'nt to go report her, it was going to make myself feel better. Which was to get off the site.

 

Anyway, nuff' bout me lol

 

 

i understand,just thought you could have made a slight difference, shame on that poster anyways! xx

[Mavh25]

This isn't a professional "group therapy" site or anything like it. People come here to relate, get advice, and all in all, it's a good site for it. However, if what you read affects you THAT much, you need to step back from the keyboard and realize that this is JUST a website where a lot of folks gather to congregate and help each other out.

 

Is being up front and not sugar coating your words rude? Absolutely not. And I have yet to see any staff member step out of line when it comes to providing advice. In the cases where brutal honesty was provided, it was absolutely necessary.

 

Jeesh.

 

My point is that you don't know what level the OP is on, you have no idea how deeply someone could be hurting. This may sound over the top to you, but look at how the people are in the suicide forums, you tell me that someone feeling suicidal because of a breakup deserves tough love and brutal honesty? no.. I'm pretty sure you would sugar coat for them, because they aren't in the frame of mind to take crap from people.

[XxJustMexX]

If anything, it's not "rude" behavior that's abundant here... It's a lot of people trying to sound all "high and mighty" pretending to give advice when all they're doing is being condescending to make themselves feel better... I guess some people get a high from telling people about their "bad decisions" and how to fix it (and if they don't how oh so horrible they are)...

[shes2smart]

Of the message boards I've seen, this is probably the most civil one.

 

The thing about the internet is you bump into a very wide variety of people. Some of them will have the same kind of approach to life and same communication style that you do. Some of them won't. And some of them will be so far out there you'll wonder if you're even living on the same planet.

 

Some people post in 25 words or less to get a point accross. Some of us tend toward verbosity and will say the same damn thing in a couple hundred words (no idea who that'd be Some will leave their personal experiences out of it and some will basically spill their guts for you to see and maybe learn from.

 

And, yes, some are going to say things you don't like, you don't agree with, and you most definitely don't want to hear...and even if they say those things in a polite and civil manner, some people will still get their panties in a bunch and say the person who had the audacity to disagree with them is "rude."

 

And some of us aren't terribly tactful and diplomatic....and we (that's the royal we, of course) happen to think that's one of our endearing qualities. Just like in real life, there are people you go to when you need a shoulder to cry on, a pat on the back, and a "there, there"....and there are people you go to when you need to be challenged and need a swift kick in the rear to get you moving again.

 

There's a great saying in 12 step programs regarding the suggestions one encounters in those groups: Take what you need and leave the rest. That'll work here, too.

 

Oh, and here's one that bites me in the butt a lot: Flat words on a screen have NO inflection whatsover.....and most people don't understand how much meaning is conveyed through voice inflection. (I do voiceover work...when you're being told to read the same piece of copy for the 20th time and give it a different inflection, you start to grasp how much meaning gets conveyed through vocal inflection.)

 

But here are the truly great parts

 

...if you think what someone's posted crosses the line, you can report the post, and it will be reviewed by several moderators.

 

...if you have a pattern of simply not liking what a particular poster writes, you can put them on your ignore list and you never have to see another word they type again

 

...you can complain about the moderating all you want, but until you take on moderating duties you will not understand the amount of stuff they have to deal with, review, read, and handle. I was a mod for a whopping 6 months and couldn't handle the amount of work and degree of responsibility that required, so I stepped down. If you don't see "behind the scenes" I suppose it's easy to think that decisions are arbitrary and based on who likes who....but I've been behind the curtain, and it's not like that.

 

...finally, no one is making anyone else stay here. If you are that annoyed, disgruntled, upset, enraged, discomforted, dissatisfied or otherwise unhappy, you are free to go anytime.

[D_Lish]

i don't see a lot of rudeness here? :S

 

To be honest, neither do I and I've been here over a year....

 

When I first came here and posted about a problem, I remember getting a dose of 'reality' and pure HONESTY....and it hurt yeah, but it was greatly appreciated and because I prefer honesty, rather than hear what I may want to hear...

 

I like people to give it 'straight' and I tend to give it 'straight' myself...

 

The thing with online communication, it is a 'cold' form of communication and is mere words on a screen. Itcan be interpreted wrongly and not come accross the way it was and is intended.

 

I highly doubt that anyone here, would intentionally try to hurt another and deliberately. People can be touchy, sensitive and read everything all wrongly, IMO.

[Mavh25]

lol why do we keep getting the "you can leave any time" yeah cheers for that.

 

But noone here is saying "omgosh, everyone is so mean I hate you all"

 

We are discussing that sometimes its not necessary to be too brutal to people because you don't know their frame of mind.

Like I said before, certain situations warrant it, but we have to recognise those that don't.

 

I'm fairly sure the mean ones would'nt do the same to their friends.

[Lucabrasi]

bottom line is it is not cool to be brutal and rude and it is also not productive. There is such a thing as piling on, and if you wouldn't choose certain words in real life becuase it sounds rude, then its going to come accross like that here. It's not a site to see who can bash on the OP.

[metrogirl]

When I would post about the torrid relationship I was in, I was hoping to receive sympthethic responses and I did get a few, but a majority of the responses were more tough love than anything else. At first I thought, geesh I'm already hurting, why are these people who don't know me being so harsh with me but over time I have come to realize that it was because they understand, they have been there and they care. They may not know me but what they wrote showed me that they cared about my situation.

 

I do the same thing now. There are certain topics that I am very passionate about and I don't hold back. I won't go out of my way to be rude to the poster but I'm sure if they are looking for candy coated responses, mine could come off as rude. (even though I'm not).

[XxJustMexX]

I like people to give it 'straight' and I tend to give it 'straight' myself...

 

 

Yes, but there's something called lack of consideration... Who's to say anything's wrong or right... No one's discussing wrong or right here, they're discussing consideration for the person's frame of mind when they're here looking to FEEL BETTER. Why is this place called e NOT ALONE? If people were to just "give it to you straight" then that title is misleading... For all anyone knows, an upset depressed kid could have killed himself today for someone's post that was "straight up" and showed no consideration for the kids' feelings. But oh, well, at least we're "real and straight up" here...

 

Honestly if I lacked consideration I'd just say "You're a moron" as an answer to most peoples' posts here. But I don't, because that's not what this place is for. It's a place people come to "not feel alone" apparently from the URL.

[Mavh25]

I've had tough love that helped me a heck of alot, but then theres still blatantly nasty posters.

[jahur]

lol why do we keep getting the "you can leave any time" yeah cheers for that.

 

But noone here is saying "omgosh, everyone is so mean I hate you all"

 

We are discussing that sometimes its not necessary to be too brutal to people because you don't know their frame of mind.

Like I said before, certain situations warrant it, but we have to recognise those that don't.

 

I'm fairly sure the mean ones would'nt do the same to their friends.

 

 

 

thats so easy to say, thanks a bunch. "you can leave any time"

 

do we mean that little? so a poster who has 4000+ or less posts can leave anytime because some oath has been rude! great. ill have to remember that shes2smart

you should be helping those insulted or hurt for heavens sakes!

[Mavh25]

Yes, but there's something called lack of consideration... Who's to say anything's wrong or right... No one's discussing wrong or right here, they're discussing consideration for the person's frame of mind when they're here looking to FEEL BETTER. Why is this place called e NOT ALONE? If people were to just "give it to you straight" then that title is misleading... For all anyone knows, an upset depressed kid could have killed himself today for someone's post that was "straight up" and showed no consideration for the kids' feelings. But oh, well, at least we're "real and straight up" here...

 

Exactly. A very close friend of mine left this forum due to that, he was already heavily depressed and was very very very close to the edge when people were piling stuff on him when all he wanted was some comfort. Thats why I feel strongly about it.

[Casey13]

Sometimes one needs a slap of reality (which isn't always pleasant) to get the right guidance. Although I agree that while using vulgar language and being negative out of context is not right I do however appreciate people expressing different types of opinions because it gives a wider wealth of knowledge. Why shoud people tell you it's going to be okay when in reality it's probably not? More often than not being realistic is going to help one more than hearing what they want to hear, so that includes negativity as well.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think it really depends on "context".

 

In this thread alone, I think we are arguing about different degrees of 'rudeness'.

[Mavh25]

^ Agreed...........

[Mavh25]

Also, noone is saying to lie to the OP by telling them everythings going to be ok when its not, but you can say "I'm sorry you're hurting, but it seems its for the best and its time to move on from this as there does'nt seem to be any hope"

or something along those lines.

 

Thats honest, but not brutal, thats not tough love but you being realistic in a way that won't make the OP defensive or upset.

[avman]

If you see something problematic you need to report it. People have noted things like favortism or that mods let some people get away with stuff. But truthfully it's equally likely that we simply haven't seen the problem yet. Though we try to cover as many posts as possible we simply can't read them all. There are too many. So we rely partly on being notified that somebody thinks there is a problem.

 

Now, we do indeed receive reports on posts saying "This person is being rude". Yet after reviewing it we don't think it is rude at all. The real problem is the person doesn't like the advice they are given. And we're not going to remove a post just because you got advice you didn't want to hear. As long as people state their opinion respectfully and they aren't advising something illegal or life threatening then the post will stay.

[doityourself]

Yes, but there's something called lack of consideration... Who's to say anything's wrong or right... No one's discussing wrong or right here, they're discussing consideration for the person's frame of mind when they're here looking to FEEL BETTER. Why is this place called e NOT ALONE? If people were to just "give it to you straight" then that title is misleading... For all anyone knows, an upset depressed kid could have killed himself today for someone's post that was "straight up" and showed no consideration for the kids' feelings. But oh, well, at least we're "real and straight up" here...

 

 

You made my point. Not everyone responds to tough love, just becuase it works for one doesnt mean it will work for everyone.

 

About leaving enotalone, (as some of you have said) that is a comment that hurts, what if your therapist said if you dont like it then leave or your wife or your mother at that. What if this is the only place that person can come to. Not all have family or the option to see a counselor. We all need a place to come to and talk about whatever we are feeling. I thought this was a place that you could express your feelings without someone telling me that if you dont like my advice than just leave.

[shes2smart]

thats so easy to say, thanks a bunch. "you can leave any time"

 

do we mean that little? so a poster who has 4000+ or less posts can leave anytime because some oath has been rude! great. ill have to remember that shes2smart

you should be helping those insulted or hurt for heavens sakes!

 

I'm sorry. I've re-read this several times and have come up with several possible interpretations....and no idea if I've hit on the right one.

 

Perhaps you'd care to clarify your intent in posting this, since it appears to be addressed directly to me?