For the Guys and Approaching....Girls Please Respond

[DaBladeRoden]

when the we say work, are we talking coworkers or customers?

[furious]

Some people will equate dating a coworker with going to hell. But I think it depends on the work environment and the status of the coworkers in question within the work hierarchy. Lets see what the ladies think.

[Nixee]

I've had a hopeless crush on a co-worker of mine for a few months.... we are technically in a different departments... but, the company is small enough ... things just feel futile... definitely not pushing things.

 

It can certainly be trouble in some settings.

[littlestar]

lol, i had women giving me the * * * * ing finger when i did the same thing.

 

lmfao !!!!

[jammin_james61]

I was wondering the same thing...

 

Maybe the point of the thread was to show guys where they had a greater chance of getting a number. This way guys would feel more confident approaching in x situation vs. y situation; ya know, since confidence is everything.

 

Either way, confindence shouldn't be based on surroundings, it should come from within.

[ay0_x]

1-grocery store- Yes.

2-gym- Yes.

3-club/bar with friends- Yes.

4-walking to a shop- No. I'd feel a little intimidated. and scared. lol.

5-driving- No?!

6-school- Hell no.

7-art show/football game/some other outing- Yes

8-WORK- Yes.

[dr_styles]

Haha all the replying I've seen ghost do, nice thread.

I have to be a bit like Gern on this one. Hehe I've noticed we are quite similar in our views though so no surprise. Obviously I'm a guy here so not what you're after in this thread lol.

 

I am not "intimated" as such by women. I admit I am kinda self-conscious and sure, the more public the place, the harder it is. Firstly just following the list:

5 - driving - no

6 - school (in class/outside class) - n/a, working

Yes to the rest.

Now my clarification; I am not intimidated to ask, but rather I have no cues to ask. Sure I might find a girl pretty as I'm walking by or whatever but I don't go the cold approach. Narrow it down to being self-conscious, or too nice, or not wanting to be cheesy or a player, I just won't - not helpful I know. Despite how shy I am/used to be, I'm very conscious of looking for conversations now since I'm trying to work on it, but really, if a girl (or anyone for that matter) doesn't even look at you.

 

So whilst I do believe you can meet anyone anywhere ... I'm realistic I can't make a chance of everything, comfortably.

[Mantis]

1-grocery store - YES

2-gym - NO

3-club/bar with friends (male or female friends) - YES

4-walking to a shop - YES

5-driving - NO. I get creeped out when guys ask me to pull over.

6-school (in class/outside class) - YES

7-art show/football game/some other outing - YES

8-Work - YES

 

I think for the most part, girls like being approached anywhere and everywhere. But the minute we show signs of disinterest, BACK OFF. There's nothing worse than being hounded by a guy we have no desire to converse with. Being approached is great, just be able to take a hint. All guys get rejected at some point or another. So guys, just be aware of the signals we're sending you and respond accordingly.

 

This is fair enough, but what are the signs of disinterest? I have a hard time reading signs of ANY kind from girls. And since I don't want to overstay my welcome, I tend to play it safe and not approach at all.

[tastytoothpaste]

This is fair enough, but what are the signs of disinterest? I have a hard time reading signs of ANY kind from girls. And since I don't want to overstay my welcome, I tend to play it safe and not approach at all.

 

If she gives one word answers that don't allow the conversation to progress, if she avoids eye contact, if she steps back or moves away from you at all, if she turns her back to you, if she doesn't smile at all. These are all things I do when I'm approached by a guy that I'm not interested in.

 

If she smiles, keeps the conversation going, asks you questions about yourself, holds eye contact with you, or anything like that, keep it going. She wants to talk to you.

[jenny_mcs]

 

 

so ladies, do you like guys to approach you anywhere? yes or no these options:

 

(when I was single)

1-grocery store --YES

2-gym- Maybe--not when working out--but when coming or going, waiting for my friend to finish up, etc, sure

3-club/bar with friends (male or female friends) YES

4-walking to a shop YES

5-driving NO

6-school (in class/outside class) YES

7-art show/football game/some other outing YES

8-WORK - NO-

 

 

I think like Soutern said, it's really fine most places, most women I know are flattered when a guy approaches them, even if they are not interested. The key is backing off if the girl is obviously not interested.

[tastytoothpaste]

This is fair enough, but what are the signs of disinterest? I have a hard time reading signs of ANY kind from girls. And since I don't want to overstay my welcome, I tend to play it safe and not approach at all.

 

Here's what NOT to do:

 

 

[GernBlanston]

If you're approaching someone in a respectful manner, you're not causing anyone any harm, and you're not being insensitive to anyone's feelings. You're just trying to get to know someone a little better. It's not your intention to harm the person that you're approaching, so don't carry around any guilt over this.

If someone is "creeped out", that really is their own problem. (If i have misunderstood what you meant, i apologize).

No, you've understood me quite well. Regardless of my intent, if I approach a woman and she's made to feel uncomfortable by my approach, I absolutely feel guilty about it. If I hadn't approached her, she would not have to be faced with those negative emotions. My actions have directly resulted in someone feeling bad. I knew there was a good chance she would feel that way, but I did it anyway. That makes me a cruel person.

 

What if you upset a woman because you didn't approach her?

That's a very good point. I don't know before I approach her whether she'd be upset by that. The possibilities seem to be as follows:

 

1. She would feel positive emotions if I approached and neutral emotions if I didn't approach (e.g. she hadn't noticed me, but would've liked me).

 

2. She would feel positive emotions if I approached and negative emotions if I didn't approach (e.g. she had already noticed me and wanted me to approach).

 

3. She would feel negative emotions if I approached and neutral emotions if I didn't approach (e.g. she hadn't noticed me, but wouldn't have liked me).

 

4. She would feel negative emotions if I approached and positive emotions if I didn't approach (e.g. she had noticed me and already found me creepy).

 

 

In only scenario 2 would I be hurting her if I didn't approach. This has crossed my mind before, and I do feel guilty about this as well. However, I think the likelihood of any other scenario is astronomically greater than the likelihood of scenario 2.

 

What seems to be most likely is that, when I approach a woman, she'll greatly prefer that I hadn't. If I approach her anyway, how can I not feel guilty about violating a person like that?

[JeckyllNHyde]

1-grocery store - Yes

2-gym - Yes

3-club/bar with friends (male or female friends) - Yes

4-walking to a shop - No

5-driving - No

6-school (in class/outside class) - Yes

7-art show/football game/some other outing - Yes

8-WORK - Yes

 

 

I have no problem as long as the guy seems interested in dating. Not a one night stand or a hook up.

[jenny_mcs]

If I approach her anyway, how can I not feel guilty about violating a person like that?

 

I think the completely over the top wording you choose reveals quite a lot about your mindset. Look at the way you describe what would happen if you approach a woman and say hi and introduce yourself:

 

"violating a person like that"

 

"That makes me a cruel person"

 

"I am causing them pain."

 

"Isn't that just an awful, unfriendly, unkind thing to do?"

 

 

Seriously? You are not violating or causing pain to or being awful if you say hi to a woman. Even if she is not interested.

 

 

 

I think you are terrified to approach women. So you have twisted it around in your head, and made it seem like it's really very noble and commendable of you not to approach them, because you are saving them from the awful violation of having a man say hi. If this was really the case, the human race would have died out a long time ago.

 

 

 

Fact- most women, even if they are not interested, will not be offended if a man says hi or introduces himself in a friendly, non-threatening way.

 

 

 

If you cannot bring yourself to approach women, then that is your issue, and you should work on it. But don't delude yourself that it is really because you are such a kind, noble guy and are saving all the delicate ladies of the world the horrific pain they have to endure when a man flirts with them or starts a conversation. It's just not true.

[g84]

Gernblanston,

no one is going to feel violated just because you've approached them. You have to let go of this way of thinking, it's not healthy. What would happen if all people thought this way? No one would have the chance to get to know anyone or form relationships at all.

[dragon lady]

Gern, this kind of thinking is ridiculous. You might make a girl feel uncomfortable for a short amount of time. By the time she gets back to her car she probably won't even be thinking about you anymore. It's not like you're going to cause her a great deal of distress, unless you are extremely persistent or lewd. I wouldn't even worry about it.

[hazylynx]

Do you drive a jetta?

[GernBlanston]

Your comments are much appreciated.

I think you are terrified to approach women. So you have twisted it around in your head, and made it seem like it's really very noble and commendable of you not to approach them, because you are saving them from the awful violation of having a man say hi. If this was really the case, the human race would have died out a long time ago.

That's an entirely reasonable analysis. It's certainly possible that my thinking here is a defense mechanism and rationalization of a fear of talking to women. I haven't figured out how to rationalize the alternative. Maybe if I could, I'd have a different set of beliefs.

 

Gernblanston,

no one is going to feel violated just because you've approached them. You have to let go of of this way of thinking, it's not healthy. What would happen if all people thought this way? No one would have the chance to get to know anyone or form relationships at all.

Worriedgirl, for example, said that she would feel violated if an unattractive man approached her. She would feel uncomfortable to be approached by a creepy guy. I can't imagine she's the only woman that would feel this way.

 

Of course men can approach women. They do and relationships can start from that approach. Or not. I feel that I shouldn't approach women. I wouldn't expect all men to feel this way. Many men would not be found to be creepy and their approach may be well-received. Based on past experience, I'm not one of those men. I'm just not good enough. I think that's what confidence must mean to me, in this context. It means having a higher expectation that she'll be receptive than that she'll be creeped out.

 

If you cannot bring yourself to approach women, then that is your issue, and you should work on it. But don't delude yourself that it is really because you are such a kind, noble guy and are saving all the delicate ladies of the world the horrific pain they have to endure when a man flirts with them or starts a conversation. It's just not true.

Gern, this kind of thinking is ridiculous. You might make a girl feel uncomfortable for a short amount of time. By the time she gets back to her car she probably won't even be thinking about you anymore. It's not like you're going to cause her a great deal of distress, unless you are extremely persistent or lewd. I wouldn't even worry about it.

 

True, I don't think the "violation" is horrendous or long-lasting, but it's still causing someone to feel something they don't want, when they were just minding their own business. By no means do I think I'm noble, commendable or kind, though. I don't think I would deserve to be rewarded just for not doing something that's wrong.

 

I wish I didn't feel this way. Although women would still not find me attractive, at least I could stop beating myself up about it. If wishes were fishes...

[hockeyplaya44]

Even if everything you believe were true, who cares? To be successful in life you need to take control and do what you want regardless of how it might make someone else feel (within reason of course). If making some girls feel uncomfortable for 2 minutes of a 24 hour day is what it takes to meet a girl who will find you appealing then go for it.

[bulletproof]

There are likely a hundred things I could do in a day that would offend someone. It's irrational to live your life worrying that your actions might hurt someone else, provided you don't have ill intentions. If you're trying to rationalize it another way, think that you might really be flattering someone or making her day to approach her.

[greywolf]

Gern, I find your way of thinking very arrogant. Honestly, if a guy I knew thought he could make me have negative feelings or make me feel 'violated' for saying hi to me, I'd wonder who did he think he was to have so much power over me.

[jammin_james61]

Gern, I find your way of thinking very arrogant. Honestly, if a guy I knew thought he could make me have negative feelings or make me feel 'violated' for saying hi to me, I'd wonder who did he think he was to have so much power over me.

 

Why would it be arrogant? He's not proud of it or feels as though he has any control over it; if it were intentional that would be one thing.

 

It seems someone would have to go out of their way to be insulted by his line of thinking.

[GernBlanston]

Gern, I find your way of thinking very arrogant. Honestly, if a guy I knew thought he could make me have negative feelings or make me feel 'violated' for saying hi to me, I'd wonder who did he think he was to have so much power over me.

Yes, I know you feel this way.

 

Kinda arrogant don'tcha think? That you can cause discomfort to someone?

Not arrogant. Realistic. Our actions have consequences for those we interact with. Worriedgirl clearly said she'd be creeped out if an unattractive guy approached her. Are you dismissing her feelings?

lol We're gonna get into a discussion about control over emotions again. You know that my belief is that it's worriedgirl's problem that she chose to feel that way.

I think that belief is insensitive and cruel and ignores the very real fact that our actions have consequences for other people. It's a belief that excuses you from hurting people. I may be neurotic, but I'm not a sociopath.

Even if everything you believe were true, who cares? To be successful in life you need to take control and do what you want regardless of how it might make someone else feel (within reason of course). If making some girls feel uncomfortable for 2 minutes of a 24 hour day is what it takes to meet a girl who will find you appealing then go for it.

Do you believe that your actions don't have consequences for other people? You feel justified in doing whatever you want regardless of other people's feelings?

[jenny_mcs]

 

Do you believe that your actions don't have consequences for other people? You feel justified in doing whatever you want regardless of other people's feelings?

 

Oh for Pete's sake. What people are trying to tell you is that being paralyzed, never doing ANYTHING for fear of offending SOMEONE is a pretty pale imitation of a life.

 

If I am in an unfamiliar city, and I'm lost, I'm going to walk up to someone and ask for directions. Sure, there is a small chance that the person I ask may have some kind of social anxiety and hates it when strangers talk to them. I may have just seriously bummed them out by asking them for directions. But the vast majority of people will not care, and will be fine with helping me. I'm not going to be afraid to talk to someone on the extremely off chance that it might bother them.

[hockeyplaya44]

Yes, I know you feel this way.

 

 

 

Do you believe that your actions don't have consequences for other people? You feel justified in doing whatever you want regardless of other people's feelings?

 

To be a winner, sometimes you have to be an * * * * * * * . When I play hockey I go into the boards as hard as I can every time. I might injure my opponent and end his season but I'm not letting that affect my performance. To get what you want you need to be strong. I'm not saying go out of your way to hurt people, but if you do what's best for yourself things will work out in the end.

 

If you ruin someone's day by talking to them they have some severe issues they need to take care of anyways.