My Evil Half-Sister.

[ResonanceTheory]

I posted yesterday about trying to find a wedding gift for my estranged half-sister, but something else happened today that really got me frustrated about her. Here is some background...I'm sorry for the length.

 

She's getting married this september to a man who has cheated on her 3 times (that she knows of). He is younger than her (very late 20's--possibly 30)--but has been married and divorced TWICE--and has 4 children by three different mothers. He makes good money, but most of that cash goes to alimony and child support. My sister is paid well but all the financial burden falls on her. It's not a cool situation by any means, and I really do feel for her--although I'd feel a lot more if she weren't completely sour and self-absorbed.

 

We are related through my mother; both of us have different fathers and were born 11 years apart. At age 11--when I was going to be born--she decided to leave my mother and go to live with her father. Apparently she hated my dad (my mom's boyfriend at the time), and didn't want to play 2nd fiddle to a new baby. So she left. My mom got down on her knees and begged her to stay, but she left anyways. A year or so later, she came back, staying only a little while before she left again--tearing my mom's heart out once more.

 

Now that she is in her 30's, she blames my mother for all of her problems; her issues with men (mom didn't always pick the best boyfriends), her issues with weight (my mom was stick-thin because she always made sure her children ate first, and my sister thinks that that taught her to over-eat, causing her to be fat in her later life), her neuroses (mom could be a little crazy, when she was younger). My biggest problem with this is that she didn't LIVE with my mother for long enough to even really be RAISED by her. At the first sign of hardship, she took the earliest opportunity to jump ship and go live with her wealthy dad in the west, where she got into drugs. Her dad died at 17 (which I certainly feel bad for her about)...and then she took her inheritance and traveled Europe.

 

Growing up with my mom wasn't always easy--she was depressed, stressed, the sole breadwinner...but I STUCK WITH HER. Now that I've grown up and matured and my mom has mellowed with age, we are very close, and I love her more than anything. It's hard for me to believe that my sister loves anyone but herself.

 

My sister is also very materialistic. When she first came to visit us when we came back to the states, she urged my mother to give her (my sister) her diamond necklace. That necklace had been given to my mother by my sister's father more than 20 years earlier. It was, as my sister claimed, rightfully hers since it had been given to my mother by her dad, and therefore she had some supreme right to it--even though it was still hanging around my mother's neck. But my mother gave it to her almost right away. That set a nasty precedent for the future--she continued to request jewelry. One holiday (winter), I was wearing one of my mother's brooches on a wool coat, and my sister saw it. She said that she had remembered it from her youth (when my mom used to wear it more often) and wanted it. She asked my mom for it (in so many words)--even though I HAD BEEN WEARING IT!!! She went so far as to search the WHOLE internet for a replica so that she could give me the replica as a gift and take the original--Is that more thoughtful or more self-serving? Of course, I didn't say anything...it wasn't my property...I was only borrowing it from my mother.

 

The most recent item of contention was a set of pearls--a necklace and a bracelet. My sister had been hounding my mom for a long time about them--claiming that she had so many memories of her with them--that she really wanted them. She even went so far as to say to my mother that she wanted them when she was dead. I can't explain how angry that made (and makes) me feel. I would trade a thousand pearls for my mother, just to have her with me always. Still, it made me upset that she would just ask for them outright. This got to me because I, too, had many memories of her in her pearls. They were, if you will, "heirloom items". They were really her signature pieces, and I remember watching her getting dressed to go out and putting them on as a child. Why should my sister's memories be more significant? Why shouldn't I wear those pearls on my wedding day?

 

After my sister announced her wedding, my mom told me she was giving my sister the pearls. I was upset, but my mom convinced my that she was SO miserable, that if a small gift of the pearls could bring some joy into her life, it would make a difference. That calmed me down. I DID understand that things weren't really going great for her, and my mom's argument made sense. Still--I believed that, in reality, my mom was just giving her the pearls because she felt guilty after all the accusations that my sister had hurled at her for "ruining" her life. Apparently, I also later found out that, since my sister didn't invite my mom to the wedding, she had hoped that the pearls would serve as a bribe and coax my sister into inviting her.

 

When she received the pearls in the mail, she didn't even call my mom to thank her. My uncle had to call her and admonish her before she even called. My mom was also hoping that the gift would finally make my sister invite her to her wedding (which I am NOT invited to), but she didn't. My mom had to literally invite herself.

 

When I was younger, my sister and I got along--she even defended me against my mom in a particularly bad fight--but as she's grown older, she hasn't tried to contact me or be my friend any more. She has become more and more sour, pushing others away, and only calling my mom when she needs something or needs her to solve a personal problem for her. We NEVER have contact, which is why her speaking of me is absurd.

 

Apparently, when her and my mother were talking the other day, my mom mentioned grandchildren to her. My sister spat at the idea, stating how much she hated children...and that my mom would have to look to her "younger daughter" (ME) for grandchildren, then added: "Though I can't even IMAGINE her being a mother." That did irk me...She doesn't KNOW me...the last time we had a REAL conversation, I was 16...now I'm in my early 20's. How dare she say something like that after not even contacting me for how many years...Not even a friendly word? As if she even REMEMBERS how to be friendly...

 

And then, today, randomly on Facebook, she commented on some random, dumb survey I'd filled out in response to a friend. She wrote a comment to it: "are we seriously from the same womb?"

 

Something about it just made me blow up. I wanted so badly to reply: "I find it just as incredible. I'm not sure that you came from a womb at all." But I didn't. I didn't call anyone, I didn't curse, I just fumed there for a moment until it passed. But tonight, I decided that I'm through with her. Why would she say such things, make such subtly underhanded comments to a half-sister that she no longer associates with, that she doesn't make the time of day for, that she hasn't spoken a word to in at least 2 years? My boyfriend says that she envies me. This may be true.

 

Another thing that bothers the hell out of me is the fact that she makes my mom feel so guilty for "ruining" her when she was a child--but she didn't even stick around enough to be raised by her!!! She bailed! Yes, my mom wasn't a perfect mother. Yes, she could be abusive. But I've never met anyone who loved as strongly and selflessly as my mother did--and does--and I know that I am a better person for having been raised by her.

 

While I am not perfect, I spent my WHOLE LIFE (well, childhood, from 0-18) living with my mother, under her roof--and while I do have some issues (who doesn't)--I'm no where near as psychotic or neurotic or sour as my sister or mother has ever been. Like I said--my mom has mellowed out extremely in her old age, and we get along perfectly now. My sister has just gotten more bitter...and I don't really know why. Maybe it's because her job is high stress. Maybe it's because her boyfriend--fiance--is a cheater. Maybe it's cause her boots are too tight, or her heart is two sizes too small. I don't know.

 

Even if my mom DID have a huge effect on her...when do you stop blaming other people? When does a 30+ year-old woman stand up and take responsibility for her life, her demeanor, her actions?

 

I don't know guys. If you made it through this mess, then congrats. I'd like somebody else's insight. I know that I'm no the perfect daughter and shouldn't be casting stones, but I can't help but feel upset. She makes loads of money and STILL hasn't paid back the loans my mom gave her 5 years or so ago when she needed to get back on her feet. She got upset when my mom told her that she was handing down all her 2nd-hand plates to me (I had just moved into my new apartment with my BF and needed dishes). We were college students. She had just moved to a 3-br home and started a new, higher-paying job.

 

I could go on and on, but I'm going to stop.

[waveseer]

Your mom is allowing her to take advantage so maybe since you two are close you could gently help your mom commit to standing up for herself.

[Sn0man]

I would seriously disown this wretch, i'd hope your mom would do the same.

[ResonanceTheory]

Your mom is allowing her to take advantage so maybe since you two are close you could gently help your mom commit to standing up for herself.

 

I have tried...but each time I speak to her about it, my mom looks seriously pained. My sister has her convinced that she is to blame for her miserable life. My mom's life was 100X more miserable, but she's still alive, and is the most deeply loving person that I know. No matter what I try to say to convince her otherwise, she doesn't believe me.

 

The material aspect of things wouldn't be such a bother to me if she didn't have her hand out to my mom, taking and taking. If my mom wanted to give her the pearls, that's fine...but why essentially rip them off her neck? What's with the sense of entitlement? What makes her think she's entitled to my mom's belongings? While I'd dreamed of wearing those pearls on my wedding day, I would never TAKE them from my mother, they are her property until the day she dies, and then it is her decision--her decision alone--to whom they go afterwards.

 

Please, someone explain to me: what gives her this sense of entitlement?

[ResonanceTheory]

I would seriously disown this wretch, i'd hope your mom would do the same.

 

To be honest, I don't even think my mom LIKES her. I think she just feels so guilty and just wants her to be happy. My mom is not an idiot, but she's selfless...and my sister has convinced her that she owes her something.

[onewithbooks]

Your mom needs to quit "buying her affection". That helps no one. Your sisters decision to contact your mom has to come from her, not pearls.

 

I sympathize, I have a brother whose attitude is much like your sister and my mom handles it in the same way.

 

My brother and I finally had it out, and now we do not speak. While I dont recommend that course of action per se, I just finally realized he was too toxic for me to have around.

[onewithbooks]

As far as the sense of entitlement, I dont know. Its possible she feels unhappy and out of control in her own life and needs a whipping person, and so she just takes it out on your mom.

[waveseer]

She was raised spoiled and nothing has changed since? You could console yourself with the fact that you are getting the best stuff your mom has to offer, her attention, love, and companionship.

[Angel_baby]

Your half sister sounds like a narcissist. I would ignore her comments and anything she says about you. She is wrapped up in herself and her needs and doesn't care about anybody elses feelings whatsoever.

 

I think you should have a talk to you mother about how this is making you feel. Also let your mother know that she was NOT to blame for how her daughter is being. Actually to me it sounds like your half sisters father is the one to blame. He was well off in money and probably spoiled her rotten. So now she thinks she is entitled to everything.

Talk to your mother. She needs to hear how you feel and maybe she also needs to talk to someone about how she feels also.

[Angel_baby]

Your mom needs to quit "buying her affection". That helps no one. Your sisters decision to contact your mom has to come from her, not pearls.

 

I sympathize, I have a brother whose attitude is much like your sister and my mom handles it in the same way.

 

My brother and I finally had it out, and now we do not speak. While I dont recommend that course of action per se, I just finally realized he was too toxic for me to have around.

 

Yes I agree with OWB, my mom tries to "buy our love" because she was not and is still not a good mother. Buying love doesn't work and your mom needs to know that.

 

She was raised spoiled and nothing has changed since? You could console yourself with the fact that you are getting the best stuff your mom has to offer, her attention, love, and companionship.

 

Good point, you may not have gotten the pearls but you have memories and love from your mom that is worth more then money and objects. It really is your sisters loss.