Deliberate sabotage of my daughter?

[Sky-Cherries]

I have an almost three year old {and it makes me feel old to say that!}, and she is just a lovely little girl. She and I talk to each other all day, and I love hearing her speech improve every day as she grows.

 

Yesterday we were in the kitchen baking together, because it's a daily activity I like sharing with her.

It's not only learning to cook at a young age that I believe is important, but it is also a bonding exercise that's easy to join in.

 

I was rolling out pastry, and she was on her little chair pulled up to the bench, watching me. Usually she's asking me questions, wanting to help, stirring something, or just talking to me. She was unusually quiet and withdrawn, and I'd asked her what was wrong but didn't press.

 

After a while she said "Mumma?", and then after a small pause after I answered, she said very quietly "Are you Dad-Dad's slave?"

 

I just asked her "Who told you that?", because that's not something you hear from what little children's tv she watches, and I don't think Spot the Dog talks about the oppression of the female being in any of his books.

 

She instantly clammed up, so I changed the subject and started talking about what we need to do next in the baking, and after about 20 minutes she leans in and whispers the name of someone who took care of her for an hour earlier in the week.

'This person' is a very prominent feminist, she has her own Free Woman's League in her town and she's always tried to tell me that I'm being oppressed and enslaved by being engaged.

Worst of all, she's a very permanent family member, so I can't escape her blathering.

 

I went from curious to furious in very little time, but I tried to keep calm when I asked what this person had said to her.

 

My daughter and I talked for a while {not that you can talk to a three year old like you would an adult}, and this family member has said a whole heap of horrible things.

 

My daughter basically parroted back to me that I was her Dad-Dad's "lave" {which I take to mean 'slave'} because I stayed home and cook, that it was bad to be a Dad-Dad's "lave", that it was naughty to be home and I should have a job and be a good girl.

{in her language}

 

I spent all yesterday explaining to her that there is no such thing as a slave to a Dad, that I stayed home because I was sick, and I did the work in the house because I loved her and Dad very much.

 

She had forgotten the original issue by the time her Dad came home, and after he'd greeted and kissed me, she goes "Mum loves you!", which satisfied me enough to think she's not going to remember what was said to her by the family member.

 

I'm a housewife because I have epilepsy, and I love it. I adore keeping a clean house, cooking for the family, washing the clothes, doing the gardening, everything.

My fiance and I have never had a single argument about me being unsatisfied with my place in life, because I take huge pride in being a housewife.

 

BUT I'm not stuck on that idea for my children. I'll teach them the skills necessary to manage a household, but if my daughter ends up single, childless, and devoted only to her job, I'll be just as happy as if she decides to marry, have children and be a housewife.

 

I do not appreciate someone telling my young daughter that I'm a mindless slave to a tyrannical man, and that it's bad to stay home.

 

Now, my questions.

 

Obviously I want to storm over there and rip this *swears* up like a grizzly bear.

 

Should I call or visit her, confront her, and ask {tell} her never to say anything like that to my daughter ever again?

Or should I just leave it unless it happens again?

[ay0_x]

I think you should call her and be assertive but not aggressive or immature. Something like "You know, my kid said the funniest thing to me today. Something about how I was her daddy's slave. Where do you think she could have gotten that?".

 

This is absolutely ridiculous and I was so shocked reading it.

 

I really hope you don't plan to let her take care of your daughter again.

[Sky-Cherries]

I think you should call her and be assertive but not aggressive or immature. Something like "You know, my kid said the funniest thing to me today. Something about how I was her daddy's slave. Where do you think she could have gotten that?".

 

This is absolutely ridiculous and I was so shocked reading it.

 

I really hope you don't plan to let her take care of your daughter again.

It wasn't her taking care of my daughter, it was my father. But the feminist just happened to be there {oh...joy}, and obviously got a word or two in privately, because my father would go off like a volcano if he heard that type of talk

[ay0_x]

It wasn't her taking care of my daughter, it was my father. But the feminist just happened to be there {oh...joy}, and obviously got a word or two in privately, because my father would go off like a volcano if he heard that type of talk

 

I think you should explain the situation to your father just so it doesn't happen again. He'd probably give Feminist a stern talking to, too, if he has that authority.

[DN]

I think you need to say that what she said was inappropriate in your view and say that if she were to continue you would have to make sure she is not in a position in the future to say it, or anything like it, again.

 

You should also tell your father - ask him to not blow up at this woman but he should be aware.

[Dragunov-21]

I'd wanna tear strips off the intefering wench...

 

That said, going round and telling her, in NO uncertain terms, that she is to stay away from your daughter (or risk a restraining order if her behaviour neccessitates), would probably bethe best course of action, followed by, if possible, getting your daughter to promise to tell you if she talks about that sorta stuff again.

 

Obviously she's not at an age where you can talk about her career/life freedoms yet (though maybe I'm wrong, I'm not exactly experienced in parenting lol), so at the moment I'd say the most important thing is keeping this woman away from her to protect her from being poisoned.

 

It might sound like an overreaction, and possibly it is, but she's effectively attempting to groom your kid for militant "feminism" (the bad kind of femenism, don't mean to offend actual femenists), if I'm reading it right, and that's not something you want to have to deal with, IMO.

[unabashed]

Maybe another approach would be to talk to your daughter about the different kinds of ideas that people have about how they should live their lives, and the great thing about being a girl or woman in this day and age is that there are choices. That includes the choice to be a mom, taking care of her family full time as you are doing. You can tell her about how some people are closed-minded and only able to accept others who are like themselves, but others realize that woman can do or be anything--and that includes being a mom like you. This woman's opinion is just that. I have a feeling that if she is so militant, you will not get very far in a discussion with her. You have more influence over your daughter than anyone else, so I'd focus on helping her learn from this.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Maybe another approach would be to talk to your daughter about the different kinds of ideas that people have about how they should live their lives, and the great thing about being a girl or woman in this day and age is that there are choices. That includes the choice to be a mom, taking care of her family full time as you are doing. You can tell her about how some people are closed-minded and only able to accept others who are like themselves, but others realize that woman can do or be anything--and that includes being a mom like you. This woman's opinion is just that. I have a feeling that if she is so militant, you will not get very far in a discussion with her. You have more influence over your daughter than anyone else, so I'd focus on helping her learn from this.

 

I really agree with this post. This is an excellent opportunity to teach your daughter that as women we have the right to live our lives however we want, and one person's set of values is just one person's. Like perhaps that is what she thinks women should do, but this is what I think, and isn't it great that we can all have opinions. One day she will decide what she wants as well.

 

It's also a good time to, if you want, let her know that at one time, women didn't get to choose what kind of life they wanted - they pretty much had one option. Now it's up to us.

 

And, yes, do talk to Captain Crazy AND your dad. There is no reason to not let them know what happened. Your dad's reaction may not be as bad as you think, and Insanetta should know what impact her little speeches are having on this little girl.

[Tominhouston]

Maybe another approach would be to talk to your daughter about the different kinds of ideas that people have about how they should live their lives, and the great thing about being a girl or woman in this day and age is that there are choices. That includes the choice to be a mom, taking care of her family full time as you are doing. You can tell her about how some people are closed-minded and only able to accept others who are like themselves, but others realize that woman can do or be anything--and that includes being a mom like you. This woman's opinion is just that. I have a feeling that if she is so militant, you will not get very far in a discussion with her. You have more influence over your daughter than anyone else, so I'd focus on helping her learn from this.

 

 

Agree with this post if the child was not 3 I think she may not grasp the concept.

 

I say tell your dad. Let him handle it.

[Sky-Cherries]

I agree with you, unabashed.

 

However, since she's so young I don't think she'll get it. She'll listen, but she won't understand.

 

She's fond of saying that she's going to be just like me, and I know my natural influence will stick just by me always being home, always baking during the day, always cleaning something, always tending children.

 

As she gets older I have full intention of letting her know she has the ultimate choice of what she wants to do, but I wouldn't be surprised if she does follow my footsteps.

[avman]

I'd be extraordinarily careful about assuming what was actually said to your daughter. 3 year olds aren't known for their razor sharp memory and they can't truly process exactly what they heard when it's unfamiliar. What might have been said to your daughter could be "Your mom is slaving away in the kitchen for you and your dad" and that turned into "Mom is Dad's slave". Then there's the likelihood that your daughter has no idea at all what the word "slave" means.

 

I like this idea:

 

I think you should call her and be assertive but not aggressive or immature. Something like "You know, my kid said the funniest thing to me today. Something about how I was her daddy's slave. Where do you think she could have gotten that?".

 

This addresses the situation without coming right out and accusing her of anything. You need clarification right now but I just urge caution about jumping to a conclusion.

[Dragunov-21]

What might have been said to your daughter could be "Your mom is slaving away in the kitchen for you and your dad" and that turned into "Mom is Dad's slave".

 

This addresses the situation without coming right out and accusing her of anything. You need clarification right now but I just urge caution about jumping to a conclusion.

 

Given the bolded parts below, is that really a plausible explanation? I would have thought it was a perfectly reasonable conclusion to arrive at that she was trying to insidiously convince the child that her mother was doing the wrong thing.

 

always tried to tell me that I'm being oppressed and enslaved by being engaged ... that I was her Dad-Dad's "lave" {which I take to mean 'slave'} because I stayed home and cook, that it was bad to be a Dad-Dad's "lave", that it was naughty to be home and I should have a job and be a good girl.

 

Maybe my response was a little "knee-jerk", but I don't think that a calm polite approach would be likely to get this so-called "femenist" woman to back off, as, in my short experience, fundamentalists who try to convert others tend to have a sense of absolute righteousness that they think gives them the right to push their ideas where they're not wanted.

 

(if this is too political, edit/delete)

[avman]

Given the bolded parts below, is that really a plausible explanation? I would have thought it was a perfectly reasonable conclusion to arrive at that she was trying to insidiously convince the child that her mother was doing the wrong thing.

 

I don't know Dragunov, I wasn't there. It's possible that it is as Sky Cherries suspects. But when you are hearing this from a three year old you have to realize that it is also equally likely it could be something else or not at all in the context you might suspect.

 

I'm not saying the three year old is wrong, just that she should not immediately jump down this other person's throat until she gets more information.

[Sky-Cherries]

I'd be extraordinarily careful about assuming what was actually said to your daughter. 3 year olds aren't known for their razor sharp memory and they can't truly process exactly what they heard when it's unfamiliar. What might have been said to your daughter could be "Your mom is slaving away in the kitchen for you and your dad" and that turned into "Mom is Dad's slave". Then there's the likelihood that your daughter has no idea at all what the word "slave" means.

.

 

I don't think she knows the meaning of slave, but I do know what was said was "Mum is Dad's slave", because it's been said before, by the same person, to my daughter.

 

Last year's Easter dinner 'this person' said to our daughter "See, Mummy is Daddy's slave", after I served him his dinner and he said "You are the best wife!"

 

She mutters the same sort of stuff if I serve him anything, help him, or mention housework or cooking.

 

So I'm just about 100% sure those exact words were spoken.

 

However, I will take that advice and call her tomorrow. If it looks like it's turning into a fight, I'll bring in my ultimate ammo: my daddy

[avman]

If it looks like it's turning into a fight, I'll bring in my ultimate ammo: my daddy

 

Now that sounds like an excellent plan!

[Sky-Cherries]

Now that sounds like an excellent plan!

 

I'm still a Daddy's girl at heart after all!

 

When this horrid lady acted up last time we were over, he said "I don't care how old you are, I will send you to your room if you act like a child!" and she meekly shut up.

[Dragunov-21]

Now that sounds like an excellent plan!

 

^^this

 

I'm still a Daddy's girl at heart after all!

 

When this horrid lady acted up last time we were over, he said "I don't care how old you are, I will send you to your room if you act like a child!" and she meekly shut up.

 

Lol, sounds like the dynamics are in your favour after all lol... Just out of interest, how old is she?

[bronte]

Wow, this woman sounds crazy. I'm sorry you're having to deal with her and I'm even more sorry that she's upsetting your daughter. Telling a child that young that her mother is someone's "slave" is just ridiculous.

 

Speaking as a feminist myself, though, I hope you know that the majority of feminists are not like this woman! There are extremists in any group, but most of us think the key thing is that women be allowed to make their own choices about what they do, whether it's stay at home, work, or do some combination of those things. As long as you're teaching your daughter that she can make those choices and that women who make different choices are okay too, most feminists would give you a big thumbs up!

[alpha femme]

Please don't keep referring to the person that spoke to your daughter as a "feminist" like it's a dirty word. Feminists simply look for equality-- and most of the feminists I know are men. She's clearly misguided about true feminist principles, so she really doesn't represent the group as a whole.... At least put "feminist" in quotation marks.

 

I honestly think I would discuss this with her over the phone because most people will get volatile when they feel their family unit is being attacked-- as yours clearly was. It's reasonable to set ground rules for what people can and cannot tell your children. No matter how "permanent" her place is in your social network, there are ways to exclude her from your immediate family. Most people will back off if confronted. You might consider asking her if stay at home dads are equally unfulfilled and enslaved.

[Sky-Cherries]

^^this

 

 

 

Lol, sounds like the dynamics are in your favour after all lol... Just out of interest, how old is she?

 

She's 31 this year.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I agree with the posters who pointed out that this woman is not representative of all feminists. As I understand it, and am grateful for, feminists fought for a woman's right to self-determination in all things - career, spouse, voting, everything. Thank God.

[unabashed]

I missed a few posts, but I just wanted to add that a three year old understands more than you think. She may not have totally understood what she heard (hence the caution in approaching the woman about what she may have said). But, your daughter understood enough to have come up with "mommy is a slave," which seems to have disturbed her. It would help to clear that up, if you haven't already. There are simple ways to explain about choices, that different people think differently about things, and that girls can do or be anything they want to be. That should be enough to reassure her. It's a subject that you can revisit in the future, as her understanding becomes more sophisticated--if it ever comes up again. The simple answers are usually sufficient.

 

I agree that this woman doesn't represent "The Feminists," at least not for me. I think it's a highly feminist act to make a life choice which supports your values, no matter what that is. We have come far enough to not have to apologize for choosing traditional roles along with non-traditional roles. Anyone who looks down on someone for embracing a role of nurturing and caring for her family is very narrow-minded in their thinking.

[KG]

I think you should call her and be assertive but not aggressive or immature. Something like "You know, my kid said the funniest thing to me today. Something about how I was her daddy's slave. Where do you think she could have gotten that?".

 

I like this...it lets her know you know, yet is non-confrontational.

[PixelPusher]

Wow, I'd have to restrain myself from immediately calling and giving that woman a piece of my mind. However, I kinda disagree with ^^^^ the above posters. I WOULD talk to her in a respectful, non-accusatory way, BUT I would not play the "who do you think told her that?" card because it's not true and can easily be misinterpreted as passive-aggressive blaming.

 

I'd say (in person) something like: "My daughter and I recently had a conversation and she said that I was her Daddy's slave. When I asked her about it, she admitted she heard you say these things. I'm not really upset and I respect your opinions, but I want you to know that I choose to live the way I do because of my health and I am a strong, independent, and happy woman. I am no one's slave. I also am teaching my daughter to be such as well. She is very impressionable so in the future, I'd appreciate it if you would take care with what you say around her."

[KG]

Even better!