Is it ok to sleep with the person you love.. even though your not offically together?

[divz21]

Hey guys..it's been a while since i wrote the first post.. but heres the link so you can understand what exactly happened...

 

 

 

But in brief things are better between us both hes showing signs he wants to be with me.. and when we are alone he does hold my hand and sends texts saying i love you and miss you.. but obviously this is hidden from our mutual friends...

 

we have been sleeping together.. and feels good at the time.. just i dont know if its ok.. we both love eachother and lost our virginity to eachother..

but yesterday we did it.. and he said omg that was an amazing shag.. then our mutual friends came over and well we didnt talk about it.. we do everything a normal couple does but when we are alone.. but i dont know why i felt so low after he said that...i mean i know him really well.. and i know hes not the type to use me like that.. but still i cant explain the feeling right now..

 

Last night though we went out with mutual friends..and well we was holding hands in cinema i guess that maybe a sign.. but im not going to read into it..

 

he knows how much i love him and want to be with him... but he says to me he needs time to ease into the relationship and trust me.. he wants to spend more time going out.. and when he feels ready he will ask me out and make it official..

 

Any comments/ replies will be much appreciated

[arwen]

I think there is a risk in situations like these. It seems to me that you are much more into the idea of having a serious relationship, and defining the feeling as 'love', than he is. And that is where you can easily get hurt. If I were you... honestly I'd not sleep with him until you two have really 'eased' into the relationship.

 

My thought about this is that if he was really into you, he wouldn't take risk of losing you. But to him, it doesn't feel like a risk, because you agree to sleeping together, doing bf/gf stuff while not being committed. I am not saying you should pressure him, that never works. But I do think that you should set clear boundaries for yourself.

[In the Dark]

It's a tough one.

There can be some previous complicatiuons which can cause this commitment fear.

Bad previous relationships is a big one.

 

The thought of. . . .

Will it happen again?

 

For some people when they are in a relationship they freak out and go all nasty on you due to commitment issues from past experiences of things turning to S H I T.

 

But if you can define the "relationship" as something else then it wil be all good.

 

Not a relationship and not friends.

 

A grey area not define but exclusive to each other.

 

A distance but not to the point where each other is seeing someone else.

 

It's possible. . . .I'm in that situation and it works.

 

It's just that word R.E.L.A.T.I.O.N.SH.I.P which can freak people out.

 

Some people look at the word as marriage.

[Dragunov-21]

It's perfectly ok, but... If you're investing so much more than he is emotionally...

 

You're in for a world of hurt.

 

Is it worth it for you?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

omg that was an amazing shag

 

Given the fact that he broke up because you cheated on him and then down the road started communicating with the guy you cheated with, I would be concerned that this comment above is disrespectful..that he sees you now as someone to shag as opposed to someone he loves and wants to make love to. He has basically objectified you in that comment. He doesn't want to be an official couple and wants to keep everything hidden. I really don't think it is a good idea to be sleeping with him if you are not an official couple. I think that will lead you down a road of pain and frustration. He needs to decide whether or not he wants to get back together with you officially. Having sex with him is not going to be what determines whether or not he gets back together with you. It is his own feelings about whether or not he wants to trust you again or if he just wants to keep you at arm's length...someone just to have a good shag with.

[civilservant]

To answer this I can use personal experiance.

 

If you are more emotionally involved than they are, don't do it. I mean it. When you're into someone and you 'get some' it becomes a nightmare to separate your emotions from the physical, and it becomes a mess.

 

What happened to me: Anti-Depressents, Jacking in my job, and basically having to start my career from the bottom again.

 

Never again!

[amipushy]

Maybe its different in canada but saying a shag doesn't mean it was disrespectful or objectifying her, it's something everyone says in the UK. Its no big deal.

 

I do however think the Op needs to ask him what is going on and are they back together and if they are not, then she really shouldnt be sleeping with him again and she should start to distance herself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Maybe its different in canada but saying a shag doesn't mean it was disrespectful or objectifying her, it's something everyone says in the UK. Its no big deal.

I do however think the Op needs to ask him what is going on and are they back together and if they are not, then she really shouldnt be sleeping with him again and she should start to distance herself.

 

I get my British slang knowledge from watching Eastenders but so far I have never heard them use the word shag. I just assumed shag was along the same lines as the f word or having a good lay...terms used when there is no emotion involved.

[amipushy]

I get my British slang knowledge from watching Eastenders but so far I have never heard them use the word shag. I just assumed shag was along the same lines as the f word or having a good lay...terms used when there is no emotion involved.

 

lol @ Eastenders. It's a word that you wouldnt use infront of your parents but something that a single friend might say to another friend or someone might say for a bit of fun to their partner like 'OOhhh I could really do with a shag. Rarrrrr

[apocalypso13]

DO NOT DO THIS!!

 

Firstly, I've been in the situation where I am still head over heels in love with my ex, and would do anything for him.

 

Thankfully, I've learnt how to draw the line after being hurt multiple times ...

 

My story? My ex would come back to me and we'd talk about reconciliation, he would maybe get emotional or we'd talk about good times, and it would be fantastic - the best thing about it is, I really don't believe those times were false.

 

Then, inevitably, there would always be some frisky business - but by god, it was great frisky business - and I'd go as far as to say emotionally involved, making love, etc. etc. ... Sorry about too much information

 

However he always kept talking to me a secret from his mates, his family, etc. etc. and I couldn't understand why ... Until maximum of a couple of days later, when he'd drop the bombshell of - 'I don't trust you anymore, I don't want to be with you.'

 

However, my story is different thus far - I DID NOT CHEAT ON HIM. I NEVER WOULD HAVE - NEVER DID, NEVER WOULD ... Because I've seen first hand how much that S H I T hurts people.

 

From the position of a girl in love with her ex, I advise DO NOT do it.

 

It'll only ruin you.

[D_Lish]

Maybe its different in canada but saying a shag doesn't mean it was disrespectful or objectifying her, it's something everyone says in the UK. Its no big deal.

 

I do however think the Op needs to ask him what is going on and are they back together and if they are not, then she really shouldnt be sleeping with him again and she should start to distance herself.

 

Well Im British and I view that comment: 'that was an amazing shag'.....as disrespectful

 

That is NOT something I would want to hear and from someone I was in love with and from someone who I assumed loved me...

And if a guy came out with that after sex....Id assume he only viewed me as a 'shag'....and I'd be hurt by this type of comment.

 

CAD said....I just assumed shag was along the same lines as the f word or having a good lay...terms used when there is no emotion involved.

 

I view it exact same way......

[amipushy]

God I say that all the time. It's just a bit of fun. What did you expect him to say... "My love, I adored the way you made love to me"? You're going to wait a long time before you hear that from any teenage/young man. It was just an expression of how he felt at that time as I see it.

[apocalypso13]

Fair enough - but for a girl he was emotionally invested in, it's a tad insensitive to call her a 'shag'. Even just leaving it at 'that was amazing' would have been preferrable.

[divz21]

its weird guys.. coz he was invited to my sisters 21st birthday and one of my family members a girl actually started flirting with him.. the girl asked him.. so how do you know her and the family.. he replied saying im her boyfriend..my family are still aware he is my boyfriend.. and he briefly talked to my uncle and all my family know hes the guy im with.. and he didnt say otherwise to them...

 

Its different with him.. he says he loves me all the time almost everyday.. and he says to me he does want to be with me.. and says eventually he will trust me.. but he cant forget what i have done to him.. but says he will forgive me.. hes told his parents he wants to get back with me.. and i see them quite often.. i treat them like my own parents.. they love me too.. he does say to me.. he cant be without me.. so its hard to be honest.. we both love eachother.. we did make love that night and it was amazing.. we have talked about having children aswell its weird.. coz i dont see him doing the same to me.. as hes talking to me about all this stuff...

[divz21]

obviously i was greatly hurt by the comment... but also confused.. because he constantly says i love you.. and deep down he says he cant be without me..

[divz21]

on the friday we made love.. and he said i love u and it was crazy coz we both didnt want to leave eachother we just kept kissing and it was really passionate i havent felt that good in a long time..

[Aldonza]

Don't do it. You're setting up a situation where he's getting all of the good relationship stuff without giving you what you need in return. There are very few guys who would turn down sex, especially good sex. But know this: sex does not equal a relationship. Sex is sex.

 

You need to define your boundaries more clearly. There should be nothing wrong with saying, "I can't do this right now. I care for you too much and it hurts me to be intimate knowing that we aren't a committed couple." Then pull back...way back. Give him space and time to *miss* you.

[divz21]

ok i know what to say to him.. but i think im addicted to sex.. with him.. i cant seem to say no.. argghh how do i go about this?..im so confused how to handle it..

[Aldonza]

Well, if I were you I'd avoid any situation where you might accidentally trip and fall on his * * * * . You know what I'm talking about. No hanging out alone...in fact, I'd go NC.

 

I've tried to convince myself that I could stay for "just good sex", but it never works when you have feelings for someone. The good sex just makes those feelings stronger.

[divz21]

its hard because we are in the same group of friends and we booked a trip to manchester it's this weekend as its our close mates birthday.. but then after that theres no reason for contact...but yeah the hanging out alone wont be possible there and yeah maybe its better we dont hang out together alone.. i dont know if i should tell him how i feel about the whole thing...he isnt making signals to get back together.. but hes making effort like holding me close when people around...which is a change.. and calls me like last night i went sleep early he rang me 3 times.. very close timing wise..seems like he really wanted to speak to me.... i know whats best for me in terms of sex.. but if i go into NC how will he be able to regain my trust.. and apparantely ease into the r.s...?