Kalika Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 OK, I am probably going to get a little flamed for this but ... My boyfriend proposed to me a few months ago. We have been together for years and have a 5 year old together.. so we did things a little backwards. A few months before he proposed, I asked him if he wanted to get married, what he thought about it in general, etc etc. Purely out of curiosity. I just wanted to know what his stance was - did he want to get married or was he OK with the way things were?? You get the idea. He seemed pretty indifferent towards it - had a "take it or leave it" attitude about it, which was fine with me, as I was in no rush to make it legal. Anyways, about two months after this conversation, he proposed out of the blue with a beautiful ring. I was seriously in shock when he did it and without even thinking, I said yes. The fact is, I do want to be with him forever. HOWEVER - and this is where I'll probably get flamed - I don't want to get married. I have given this a lot of thought since he proposed, and I really don't want to marry. I don't feel ready at this point to make that kind of a legal commitment. I like having my own finances and not having them mingled. I like the idea of owning my own home without having to worry that it will be left to someone else if we divorce. I like that I can be with him without messy legalities if we ever broke up, which of course is a looming possibility for every couple, including us. I like my life right now and I don't want to change it. I have a very negative view of marriage in general and if I could, I would "live in sin" with him forever. We sat down and talked about this and he seemed genuinely sad that I didn't want to take that final step in our relationship, but he understands where I'm coming from. My parents have a lousy marriage (he knows them very well, so he knows why I'm neurotic about relationships) and most people I know have OK/convenient marriages but not happy ones, and the whole idea of marriage just seriously gives me anxiety. My brother is going through a divorce right now and I am seeing firsthand just how much it's going to cost him - financially and emotionally. My brother paid for their $175K house completely on his own because his wife had no money at all saved up and did not want to work, and now he literally has to fork over half of its worth to her even though they were married for less than 4 years. On top of that, he now has to pay for all of the costs of raising his child because his wife walked out on him and got a job and makes beans. My brother makes six figures but lives paycheck to paycheck. And this isn't an uncommon scenario, either. Either way, this doesn't mean that I don't love him or that I don't want to be with him forever - it's just that marriage is so LEGAL and divorce is so EXPENSIVE!!! (and common!!!) (eek!! Thoughts??? Link to comment
Sn0man Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I'm not going to flame you - actually, I like the way you think. I have a rather neurotic view on relationships and especially marriage myself so avoiding the legal issues by 'living in sin' so to speak sounds like a little slice of heaven to me. Link to comment
Honey610 Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 If you're worried about the financial aspect of a possible divorce, why not get a pre-nup? Now saying that, may catch your fiance off guard but I'm sure he knows of your brother's pending divorce and the worries you have surrounding it. Link to comment
waveseer Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I am one more step removed than marriage even, I currently believe in entirely separate living arrangements. Live your life the way you see fit. Link to comment
Ivory_Tower Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Some of the concerns you brought up sounded like they didn't have to do with your feelings about him, but rather, your feelings about legal issues. It sounds like you could be worried about history repeating itself esp. with your brother. That is my take on the situation. It sounds like you really love this guy, maybe talk to him about the other concerns more in depth? I'm sure he will understand. You can always wait a few more years to get married. Link to comment
Kalika Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 I've just seen a lot of divorces, not just my brothers. Truth be told, I thought my bro and his wife would be together forever, because they're both selfish jerks Go figure.. Ivory - I thought about waiting a few more years but .. truth be told, I doubt I'll ever change my mind..... I've felt this way since I was a teenager. I love my partner with my whole heart but I honestly wish he didn't propose. Link to comment
retired1 Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Regardless of whether it's legal (on paper) or not, after a period of time, common law will recognize that you are married and you still have the legal ramifications of a breakup. This varies from state to state, but just because it isn't "on paper", doesn't relieve you of the legal issues in the event of a breakup. Link to comment
top bloke Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 In Australia you would be defacto married for legal reasons. Youre as good as married anyway. you have a child..live together its just final icing on a great cake. Link to comment
Ivory_Tower Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I've just seen a lot of divorces, not just my brothers. Truth be told, I thought my bro and his wife would be together forever, because they're both selfish jerks Go figure.. Ivory - I thought about waiting a few more years but .. truth be told, I doubt I'll ever change my mind..... I've felt this way since I was a teenager. I love my partner with my whole heart but I honestly wish he didn't propose. I suppose you will just have to tell him the whole truth. I have to warn you though, he may be a little hurt by that. I can tell that it doesn't really have to do with him, but he might take it personally. Just be warned. I know that when my ex told me he, "Never wanted to marry me...or anyone for that matter" it really stung. Of course he was rational and didn't explain the other reasons WHY to me. I think that if you explain things, then it will go a lot more smoothly with your SO. Does that make sense? Some people don't understand that its because of your family experiences with divorce that have you 'put off' by the very idea of marriage. Link to comment
Kalika Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Common law is pretty tough to prove though .. There has to be a lot of criteria met, not just one basic one. Link to comment
retired1 Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Au contrare... The mere fact that you've been living together and have a child together is enough to prove common law marriage in many locations. Link to comment
Kalika Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Ivory - I have explained everything to him in detail already. We had a looong talk tonight. (And over the course of 2-3 days now). He and I are very open and honest with one another and I can tell he's sad but not overly upset, to the point where I need to be extremely concerned. He basically just told me that he'd like to get married to me one day (he wanted to within the next year or two) but that if I needed longer to decide whether I wanted to or not, he would be fine with that. He said he knows that I am fully committed to him regardless so he won't "sweat the small stuff" as he put it. I'm grateful he had a good response but our daily life is as a married couple anyways, so marriage or no marriage doesn't change much.. Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I think, Kalika, that if you don't want to get married and you're honest about it, and he's on the whole ok with your stance, then what's the problem? Does it bother you that you don't want to marry? The people who get flamed or rather, advised to do some soul searching, are the ones on here who come around and say they don't want to get married but they're doing it anyway, or they don't plan to be honest with their partners. You know what you want/ don't want, you were honest, so I don't see any problem with that. Link to comment
Kalika Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Au contrare... The mere fact that you've been living together and have a child together is enough to prove common law marriage in many locations. Not in my location, though. Link to comment
Kalika Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 I think, Kalika, that if you don't want to get married and you're honest about it, and he's on the whole ok with your stance, then what's the problem? Does it bother you that you don't want to marry? The people who get flamed or rather, advised to do some soul searching, are the ones on here who come around and say they don't want to get married but they're doing it anyway, or they don't plan to be honest with their partners. You know what you want/ don't want, you were honest, so I don't see any problem with that. I think it bothers me more because of what other people will think; in my cultural community NO ONE has kids out of wedlock, let alone then following that up by refusing to get married. It just doesn't happen. But I just don't feel comfortable with the idea of getting married just now. And I do feel bad that my fiance spent money on a nice ring and everything, and that I turned around and hurt his feelings. But if he had asked me ahead of time if I would say yes or not, I probably would have said "no" or "I don't know if I want to get married any time soon" because that's the honest truth. Link to comment
top bloke Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Hmm . Stay the way you are if it bothers you. You are probably closer that alot of married people anyway. As long as you have faith ,respect,love and a good relationship what else truly matters? Nothing... Link to comment
Circe Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 In Australia you would be defacto married for legal reasons. Youre as good as married anyway. you have a child..live together its just final icing on a great cake. Everyone thinks the law in Australia is such that after two years of living together your "rights" are the same as a married couple. That's not quite true. If you have children and you are the woman, with primary care of them, and you earn less (or no) income - then you are legally better off to get married in the case of the relationship ending. But Kalika, there's nothing wrong with feeling that way. If you are comfortable with things the way they are and happy to keep them that way and he is fine with that also then thats what works for you guys! You might change your mind in 5 years.. you might never change your mind and live happily like this forever. I will say though, I think it's a bit scary that you don't know any "happily" married couples. The only married people I know are fairly newly married and they seem happy enough but I do think its scary that people seem to think the longer you are married you are really just together for convenience sake. I really do hope it's not like that for everyone. Link to comment
top bloke Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Ok thanks indigo did not know that. True too that alot of marriages are happy and long term. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Bravo for saying what you want and are honest about it....if you don't want to marry then that is your right. You seem like a very smart woman who knows what she wants and don't want...good for you...like the saying goes, "if it isn't broken don't try and fix it". Me personally, when the day comes I find a man...he can live in his own place and I will live in mine...I lived with every man I had a long term relationship with and it didn't work out...so from now on no more living together for me....personally, I like my freedom and own space. My best to ya Link to comment
Circe Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 True too that alot of marriages are happy and long term. I'm very, very happy to hear that top bloke. It's definitely what I'm aiming for. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I'm very, very happy to hear that top bloke. It's definitely what I'm aiming for. Yep, have to agree on that note myself. Link to comment
Blue Streak Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 OP, you and hubby had a child out of wedlock, correct? Clarifying. Thanks. Link to comment
Blue Streak Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Regardless, I understand your fear of marriage. I basically feel the same way you do about marriage. The only thing that concerns me is the child involved. The fact that there is a 5 year old child involved, and you appear more concerned about getting divorced than raising your child, worries me that you do not have your priorities set strait. Link to comment
ScorpiGal83 Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I don't think it's a bad thing that you don't believe in marriage. I know lots of people who don't. Doesn't mean you don't want a life partner, kids, etc. You just don't need that piece of paper and the hassle. If your guy is ok with it, you shouldn't feel bad. But as others have said, you may change your mind in the future. Whatever it is, do what you think is right for yourself (and your child/family). Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 He's probably just hurt because you mentioned it and said yes to his proposal. SOunds like he is being understanding and you've discussed this and came to an agreement like mature adults. I totally see where your coming from and its everyones decision on whether they get married or not. I dont see it making a MASSIVE difference. Its not the be all and end all. So I think you made the right choice because otherwise you would have been getting married but not really wanting too. Link to comment
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