broken hearted

[chip]

I am a 35 yr old man. Had first real relationship with a woman who is ten years younger. She told me she loved me. I definitely fell in love with her. We got very close very soon - seeing each other 5 - 7 times per week by the time we a month into relationship. I had never been so happy in my life. We were so close that I thought for sure that I would be planning to ask her to marry me. All was going well - we were extremely close through the holidays. All of a sudden she tells me she is having doubts in the middle of Jan. I panic - scared to death she will leave me but I try not to pressure her. She breaks up with me just before Valentines Day. I spend Valentines Day writing her an email. In it, I lay my heart out on the line. I tell her I never thought I was capable of loving some one as much as I love her. We get back together - but it wasn't quite the same. She still had her doubts about me. She broke it off again 3 weeks ago, and we have had no contact since. I think about her constatntly. I don't sleep well. I struggle to stay on track at work. I care about nothing but her. I can't turn my love off. How can I have been so wrong? I was sure I was going to marry this girl. Now it seems that she doesn't want anything to do with me. At least it seems that way. I would love to talk with her, but I am waiting for her to instigate contact. She never gave me any reason why her feelings changed. That is what makes the situation so tough for me. I keep wondering what is wrong with me. Am I not worthy of being loved? Now all I do is limp through the work week and go out drinking on the weekend. I know that all I'm doing is feeling sorry for myself. However, I can't seem to climb out of this pit that I am in. This was the first girl I ever fell in love with and I can't get her off my mind.

[healing]

How long did you date?

[chip]

We dated about 6 months.

[healing]

She may not be ready for the type of relationship you are seeking.

She is only 25.

Six months is not a long time at all, and it is only natural that either one of you might be having doubts.

 

Do you think that you did anything to pressure her?

[GeeCee]

Chip

 

You are obviously still very emotional and hurt about the end of your relationship. You really should try and stick to the no contact, while you try and build up your self-esteem. Of course, you need answers to your questions, but you have to accept that she might not be willing to give those at the moment, or any time in the future.

 

What you need to do now, is try and focus on getting your self-esteem back. Go to the gym, meet friends, read, vent on this forum, whatever it takes to take your mind off the ex.

 

You will need to give yourself time and her space. Hopefully in a month or so, she might be able to make some contact with you herself, and try and find a way to explain what went wrong for the two of you. Perhaps, in some way, she felt pressure.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[Hopingpraying]

Chip,

 

I am sorry about you situation and really feel your pain. It is hard to go through a breakup there is no two ways about it. We are hear for you and will listen. That unfortunately is all we can do. We can tell you it will get easier in time, and it will. But the pain is something you have to work through. Try to lay off the drinking it will only take you further into depression. Its not the way you want to go.

 

If you want her back you have to be the strong confident individual you know you are. There is a reason for why she is doing what she is doing. You may never know what that reason is, but you cannot push her in anyway to tell you what it is or to try and get back with you. She will only push back..

 

Again I feel for you bro.. I hope it gets easier for you.

 

HP

[Celadon]

Chip -- my sympathies, man. The first rejection is the hardest, 'cause caring about someone is the most intense experience. So I know where you're at, as far as wondering what happened and feeling lousy 24/7. Really, you will start to feel better -- hang in there until that happens. Distract yourself if you can -- best to do that in healthy ways like working out or traveling and seeing new things.

 

If it's any consolation, my ex instituted no contact as well, but after a few months he realized it was stupid to never talk to me again, so we started chatting every now and then. We're not back together; just friends.

 

Over time, we have occasionally talked about what happened, what went wrong. So in a sense, there's hope that you'll understand more one day. Be patient.

 

Honestly, my ex still doesn't realize everything he did, or know why he felt certain ways. Sometimes that takes greater self-awareness than a person has. Your g/f is only in her mid-20s. She may not know 100 percent why she broke up with you, and you unfortunately have to live with that vagueness.

 

One thing you do know is that you loved her and gave her your best. There's nothing wrong with you. I truly hope that you can feel free, someday soon. Don't let this broken relationship keep you down or make you feel lesser about yourself. There are other opportunities that await you out there.

[aha]

Why do people do this? My girlfriend is 27. once she told me that she need the time alone, she would NOT take my calls or answer any relationship questions. Which leaves me to believe that she didnt really care about me, like I thought she did.

 

I have learned I need to move on now. But I was just wondering. Maybe it's because she's only 27 and I'm 36?

 

Chip

 

Of course, you need answers to your questions, but you have to accept that she might not be willing to give those at the moment, or any time in the future.

 

 

[chip]

I don't think I pressured her. I never even brought up marriage until she started telling me she had doubts. And even then all I said was that I thought about it and I told her I could wait to make that type of commitment until we were both sure. Sometimes I do feel better but that time is fleeting. It has been 3 weeks since I've talked with her, and I can't understand how she can just cut me off completely. I keep hoping that she will call. I know that she probably won't but I still hope. I also realize that there probably isn't a future for us, but I can't seem to accept it. I really am struggling. I don't sleep. I broke down and cried for a couple of hours last night until I finally fell asleep for a brief time. It isn't getting easier. Thoughts of her dominate my time even when I'm working out or I am at work. This wasn't a one - way street as far as being in love. At least I believed that to be the case. She told me she had never told anyone that she loved them. She said she was closer to me than any other boyfriend she's had. We had meet each other's families and I even got comments from family members and co workers wondering if we were going to get engaged. Then she drops the bombshell on me saying that she's not sure she is in love with me. Where did that come from? I had no inkling that there was anything wrong. I am so depressed. I have this empty pit feeling all the time. When will it start getting better?

[Celadon]

Hi Chip -- hang in there. You're going to go through a lot of emotions -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance (these are the stages of grief; I forgot who the psych was who wrote about them). Anything you can do to *stop focusing* all your attention on this heartbreak would be good for you. Take life in 15-minute blocks if you have to -- for the next 15 minutes, you will tidy up the dishes, or listen to the radio, or sweep the front yard, or walk the dog, or write to your mother.

 

I forget how long it took me to get over my first relationship (see-- that's a good sign right there!), but it was excruciating. I was bawling and useless for weeks. But after a few months, when I *gave up* thinking he'd come back and started making other friendships, I started healing.

 

BTW, if you haven't started writing your thoughts and feelings down in a journal, you might want to. That also helps. But in general, try to distract yourself, or get a friend to help distract you. Best wishes.

[chip]

It has now been 4 1/2 weeks since our last contact. I am starting to believe that she didn't really love me. She knows how much in love I am with her. She claimed that she did fall in love with me. However, I find that harder and harder to believe. If she was in love with me, how could her feelings change in a matter of a couple of days? I guess I still have'nt given up hope that she will come back to me. How do give up on her? I know that is what I need to do so that I can move on with my life. How can she be so cold as to cut me off completely for the last month? I still think about her constantly and I am so unhappy I can't stand it. I don't know when I will be able to feel normal again. I miss her so much. I think that I would have been better off to have never fallen in love. As great as it was developing a relationship with her, it is twice as hard dealing with the aftermath of her dumping me. Whoever says "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" is wrong.

[Celadon]

Chip, If it helps any, I've learned that relationships and people's feelings are rarely all or nothing. They're not black and white; they're gray. I am sure your ex-gf loved you in some way, she must have cared about you, must have enjoyed your company. Not all relationships turn out to be the one lasting relationship in life, unfortunately. And also unfortunately, sometimes people need to be in the relationship for awhile to figure out if it really will work for them in the long-run.

 

It was no failure on your part that this didn't work out. If she realized that she wasn't ready to decide on a committed relationship (whether you brought it up or not, she probably was thinking about it), then at least she was up front about it.

 

I've also had ex's who did no contact with me, and it really bugged me. But in a weird way, they were trying to spare me from torturing myself and wondering if they'd come back. Personally I'm no fan of no contact, but some say it's the kindest thing to do, and I don't question that it works for some people. It's hard to let go, and sometimes no contact is the best way to heal fast.

 

Please believe that your ex will not be the only person you love in this lifetime. You never know who is around the corner. There are plenty of women ready to love and be loved. Keep your eyes looking, and your heart open, and try to hope and believe. Good luck.

[chip]

OK, I received an e-mail from the ex yesterday. I'm not sure what this means. Basically she was checking in to see how I was doing. I was very brief with my reply and tried to be neither negative nor positive. I was very affected by this break - up and I don't know if I could take it if we to ever get back together and have it end poorly once again. I have worked to better myself. I read the book "He's Scared , She's Scared" and it pretty much described our relationship. I do have a better understanding of the dynamics of our relationship. I just don't know what to think about her contacting me. I don't even know if she'll contact me again. I have to admit that I felt a little hope raise up in my chest when I saw that e-mail, but I have to be careful not to allow myself to be hurt by her again. I don't think I could survive if she came back into my life only to leave me down the road. Am I foolish to hope that she will continue to contact me? Any comments would be appreciated.

 

Chip

[EatZ]

Chip,

 

I read this entire thread and shed tears over how similar your situation is to mine. Everything you've said... how you've felt, what you're going through, how you're coping, what you've been thinking... it's like I'm reading something I've written myself.

 

I became friends with my girl back in September last year, and it was November that we started to fall for each other. In February she moved to another town to pursue a degree. We knew about this all along, but we didn't want it to change anything, and it didn't. Until the time she moved we spent every dying moment together.

 

I couldn't move down with her at the time due to a degree of my own, but I otherwise revolved my entire life around her. I would've done anything for her. I was planning and looking forward to moving down and living with her. Dare I say, it was even a fantasy of mine. It got me through the day thinking that eventually I'd be with her.

 

Once she left, we communicated every single day by phone, txt messages, MSN, email, etc... everything. Like you, she was my first love too. She used to compare me to her previous boyfriends and say how amazing I was. She used to say if there was a better way to say "I love you", she would have already said it a million times over because she loved me that much. She used to tell me how proud she'd be to have me spend the rest of my life with her. How gorgeous and sexy I was. How good I was to her. How loving and thoughtful and romantic and PERFECT I was.

 

She used to call me her soul mate. Her future happiness. Her "one"... I'm sure many would think this sounds very dramatic and over the top, but I believed it. I believed everything she said because it was exactly how I felt for her. I'm head over heels for the girl, and I don't doubt for a moment that she might've actually felt this way for a while, but she doesn't now. It's killing me.

 

It was a week ago today that she dumped me. The same feelings you've felt are washing over me constantly right now. The hoping. The shock. The disbelief. The anger. The missing and needing and wanting her. I have no other relationships to compare mine with, but I'm already beginning to agree with the saying "The first cut is the deepest". I still can't believe that she could have done this to me after everything she said. I don't know how someone that said they love you could cut you off so suddenly. I keep hoping that she'll call, and although I know she probably won't, I still hope. I rush to my phone whenever I get a call or txt, always thinking it's her. I check my email constantly. I realise that there probably isn't a future for us, but I can't seem to accept it.

 

I don't sleep. I lay in bed awake at night feeling hopelessly lonely. And if I'm not thinking about her, I'm dreaming about her. Sometimes pleasant dreams, but I always wake to reality. It hard.

 

Everything reminds me of her. EVERYTHING. I drift through the days thinking about her. I have absolutely no purpose or direction at the moment. My motivation is non-existent. The irony is, I've been free of my degree for a couple weeks now, and I had plans to move down to be with her and get a job and start our life together. Now I have no motivation, not even to get a job.

 

I'm at the lowest point I've ever been in my life. I just want to feel better...

 

We used to talk about the future. The future we might've had. I can't help but torture myself by thinking of her. I think about all the things about her that I love and miss, and that I'm scared I'll never find in another person again. I'm depressed, and I keep sinking further and further the more I think of what I've lost. The hardest thing for me has got to be trying to not contact her though.

 

I'm trying not to email her or send her a txt, but I want to let her know how upset I am. How hurt I am. I guess I want her to feel obliged to contact me and tell me how unbelievably sorry she is, but I know she probably won't. I know that she's sorry and that she never meant to hurt anyone, but I still don't think she'll contact me.

 

"Sorry" will never make up for the hurt I'm feeling for thinking she loved me, and for making me think that I was her one true love. Her soul mate. Yet I still want her to contact me and say sorry anyway. I don't know why. I'm looking for closure I'm never gonna get.

 

I do have my moments of hope, but they don't last. I realise I am young and talented. I have my whole life ahead of me. A career too. I'm also a GOOD person, as are you chip. I feel heartened and wise beyond my years knowing that I'm a descent human being. Hopefully one day she will regret what she's done. Maybe one day we'll meet in a supermarket or walking down the street and talk about it. Who knows...

 

Chip, I've sent you a PM with my MSN/etc... I realise that you've done much of your healing already, but if ever there's a person that understands what you're going through, it's me.

 

Please. Don't hesitate to contact me at all.

 

Nick.

[EatZ]

I didn't mean to hijack this thread either, but I feel like I have after that monstrosity of a post. I'm sorry if it's come accross that way!

[healing]

Chip,

 

There is no way to know what her intentions are (in terms of why she contacted you) unless you ask her directly...even then, she may not know herself why she reached out.

 

If you think you are ready to talk with her, I would suggest a face to face meeting.

 

I would not advise email, because you will not be able to make eye contact, see her body language, hear the tone in her voice, etc.

[ziggystar]

chip,

 

i just got past a situation very similar to yours. i'm 37 and she was 35. so age doesn't always come into account. my ex made all these comments and insinuations to a fulfilling future together and said she loved me also. met each others families and everything. then she got scared, because of the commitment thing. and yes, i got the same exact treatment you described in he's scared, she's scared. the difference between your situation and my situation, was that after the relationship part was cut off, we maintained contact. and let me tell you, it was hell. there was a lot of ambiguity, that just made things very confusing. i wanted to try again, but didn't speak up because i was afraid of stating what i wanted. and she wanted just to be friends, but didn't speak up. so sometimes the best way to get over the situation is for one or both people to just cut it off. otherwise it drag on and on and you'll feel more dejected. either way it's difficult, but time will heal things. you just have to KNOW that you'll be okay without her. it's a hard one to learn. i'm doing it now.

[chip]

Well, I am not sure what the deal is now. She started contacting me again. So I decided to go ahead and see her. We went out 3 times last week and she ended up staying with me on the 3rd time. It was fun getting re-aquainted and being able to hold her again was terrific. The problem is I feel on edge all the time. I don't know what is going on with us. I'm afraid that I can't trust her. If I give too much of myself again I will be totally destroyed if she walks away. I told her that we need to talk about us and what is going on. She seems to agree that we should. My problem is that I'm torn - I need to know what she is thinking and how she feels about me - at the same time I don't want to force the issue too much and have her just walk away without trying to see if there is a future. Does anyone have experience with this kind of situation? I would like to get the relationship back - I still think she is the one for me - at the same time I feel that I must tell her that I need to see other girls. I feel that I have to protect myself. I can't invest myself fully into the relationship again until she can say that this is something she really wants to pursue.

[wandering]

Chip,

 

I am 31, dated a guy who was 35 for a year and a half, we were so much alike and had so many interests in common that we spent a lot of time together every day and he called me several times a day.

 

I spent a Thursday night with him, he went to work on Saturday and was asked to show a girl from out of town around and he agreed. By Sunday they were sleeping together. Like I said, he was 35 and the new girl is 25. She might as well move her stuff into his house because she has now completely taken my place. I never even got a phone call to tell me what was going on. He just assumed I was mad so he just didn't call unless he knew I wasn't home and he would just leave a message. He is nothing if not a spineless coward for doing that alone. There were signs that I can look back on and identify now but he was my best friend and I loved him with all my heart. He would hold my face and tell me that I was his dream girl and perfect for him. He told me he thought he was crazy for not marrying me a year into our relationship. But he said that he was unhappy with where he was in his life and that he could not be in a committed relationship at that point. Then he meets this 25 year old who is from a very wealthy family and she is with him every night and every weekend. He told me he just never fell "in" love with me. I asked him if he loved her and he actually laughed before he said no. He said they just hit it off. I must not have meant anything to him. He said he still wanted to be friends and I just could not. He used me for a year and a half and led me to believe that someday we would have more of a committed relationship. He was using me all along for emotional support and someone to have fun with. He is a total looser - 35 living in a house his dad owns and pays utilities on for him - he doesn't have a full time job and is going to school for the third time. If his new 25 year old honey wants to have him I have officially let go. There is a line in a movie that says "It's amazing what trash a woman will hang on to in fear of another woman taking it" and that is so true. That sociopath does not deserve my love or another second of my life.

 

Of course I say it and still, 6 weeks without contact later, I still want nothing more than a phone call from the jerk with some sort of explanation. How can gold turn into sand overnight? Literally, I have to think in my mind that he is a very dangerous person to be able to tell me the things he told me and then, literally overnight, stop calling me and start sleeping with another girl. What kind of girl could she be anyway to sleep with him after knowing him for 24 hours? I doubt she has any class to go with her daddy's money.