What do you think of starting a family without getting married?

[pinkrobot]

My uncle was married once, and went through a NASTY divorce. He never wanted to get married again, he was very adamant about it. Then he met the woman he's been with for the past--oh gosh, almost ten years--and they had a child (she was 100% planned) and have been living together with that child for almost 7 years. I don't know if it's anything "new" per se, so much as just dependent on the circumstances that would prevent a couple from choosing to get married.

[HellFrost666]

My girlfriend and I have been tofether 4 years, lived together three of those years. We don't have any plans of getting married. Mariage is just a peace of paper, in my opinion. We don't have any imediate plans to have kids either, but that doesn't mean we are closed to the idea. If she told me tomorrow she was pregnant I know nothing would change from my end. I can't speak for her, but I doubt that would change her mind either.

[anya1607307555]

I don't feel it's necessary to be married in order to raise a family. I never had that pressure fortunately. I do think without 'expectation' marriage is a more attractive option. In theory, there should be less need for divorce since people will be making conscious decisions to marry for no other reason than because they want to make that commitment to each other. I would like to get married one day. I'd like to make that commitment to someone and share a family name, because I choose to and not because I'm expected to.

[Batya33]

With the utmost respect, my guess is that once you're married it will feel different and won't feel like just a piece of paper - mostly for very positive reasons. Perhaps not "better" and perhaps only "different". Just a guess....

[sidehop]

Maybe it's because we both know this is what we want, to be together and working really hard to better our relationship while we raise our daughter. We've gone through counseling and still continue to better the relationship while taking little steps for us to be closer together. Which will never change if we get married in the future. It will be special I'm sure but it's not our focus and priority.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think marriage is an important thing, in terms of insurance, tax, and income issues. Also, if you have children, if you do have a marriage license, it helps to determine who will care for your children if you or your spouse gets injured or killed in accidents, etc.

 

Marriage is a piece of paper, but that "piece of paper" has a lot of legal significance.

[sidehop]

Very good point. We do have that part covered through our lawyer if in case something do happen to either or both of us.

[Catdancer]

Yeah, same here. Our 3 month old son has a trust fund, half a mil in life insurance goes to him, 50K to either one of us who survives the other, if we both die, we have guardians set up via Will to care for our son and a pile of money goes to them. I think we have everything covered just like a married couple would. We have POAs and Advance medical directives. What else is there?

[Batya33]

Yeah, same here. Our 3 month old son has a trust fund, half a mil in life insurance goes to him, 50K to either one of us who survives the other, if we both die, we have guardians set up via Will to care for our son and a pile of money goes to them. I think we have everything covered just like a married couple would. We have POAs and Advance medical directives. What else is there?

 

In my personal opinion (and I believe there is authoritative research supporting my opinion although I am stating it just as my personal opinion) it's in the best interests of the child -- emotionally as well as financially and in every other way- to have two married parents (all else being equal - obviously it's better to have two happy committed parents than two miserably married parents) than unmarried. I'm not saying it's bad not to be married, just better for the child to be married.

[sidehop]

I've read similar articles but there are many debates over such study. Personally, bottom line, the child needs two loving parents, biological, non-biological, gay or not, to be able to become a responsible adult.

 

I guess this is one of the subject we can dig forever and probably not get real answers.

[Catdancer]

I've read similar articles but there are many debates over such study. Personally, bottom line, the child needs two loving parents, biological, non-biological, gay or not, to be able to become a responsible adult.

 

I guess this is one of the subject we can dig forever and probably not get real answers.

 

Exactly!! I was going to post something along the same lines!

[Batya33]

I've read similar articles but there are many debates over such study. Personally, bottom line, the child needs two loving parents, biological, non-biological, gay or not, to be able to become a responsible adult.

 

I guess this is one of the subject we can dig forever and probably not get real answers.

 

I would add that those parents should be committed to each other and in a stable relationship. I think that's in the best interests of the child, but children can become responsible adults with only one parent or with no bio parents in their lives.

[LonelyMoondancer]

I find this thread really interesting because for a really long time I thought to myself that I don't need to get married since I'm not a religious person, and because I hated the idea of possibly falling out of love with my husband one day. But I do want kids and all those benefits that come with being married, so I'm thinking there's no harm. People are making great points about why they don't need to be married and that things won't change because of a marriage, but if that's really true, what significant reason is there to not just go ahead and marry? It's a day all about you and your significant other celebrating your devotion, and a day to remember forever. I understand that it's not necessary and that relationships can work wonderfully without them, but if they really aren't that impactful, I just kind of figure having a wedding is like a bonus.

[Alezia]

It's a bit strange but I've noticed that all the couples that I know personally that did not get married but had a "serious" long-term relationship (house, kids etc...) held more commitment, showed more love etc... than if you just look at the average married couple. (All on my own observations of course)

 

I'm not saying that they have a better relationship than all those who did marry because I do know of some really happy marriages too! It just seems that a lot of marriages end up sticking together that should not.

 

Most of the younger people who I personally know who do end up getting married do it for the wrong reasons - validation, being more of an adult, the gifts, "more commitment" when their relationship isn't stable already, being a princess for a day (and oh lord was I shocked at how many of my friends want a wedding/marriage solely for this at age 24-25) etc... where as the long-term commitment couple isn't blinded by those "factors".

 

I know of a couple who got engaged about 3 or 4 times to each other, simply for the attention. Always making the diamond bigger every time. They are over their heads in debt etc... The first engagement was over 5 years ago. (This friendship was broken a while ago - can't stand them at all anymore)

 

Others rushed into the marriage because of the wedding fantasy. They were so blinded by the planning and various parties that they could not see they were not compatible. And then they come complain to me that their husband stinks, is a bad kisser, doesn't have a sex drive... but since they are already married - "might as well try for kids".

 

As much as I personally want marriage, I'm a bit biased towards the view that non-married but stably committed people make better parents as an overall trend.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I find it interesting that Farah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neil never got married..they were together for along time, had a child together and then split up...but she helped him through his cancer scare and then he helped her as she battled cancer. At the very end he wanted to marry her..after all this time, in the end marriage became very important. I think deep down a lot of people feel this way and it eventually comes out. You see a lot of people who will live with a partner, buy a house together, have children and not marry them..then they split and end up marrying someone else. There are so many couples these days who are opting for serial living together and serial children with each partner they live with...never getting married. Relationships are indeed considered very disposable. From a personal standpoint I think it is important for a child to have parents who bore them within a marriage rather than outside of a marriage.