Seymore Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 This situation is going on in my family and it's not one I hear about that often, so I was wondering what people think of this type of situation and if they know anyone in one. My cousin overseas has been with his girlfriend for probably about 9 years now. I don't think they have any intention of getting married. A couple of years ago, she told him she wanted to have a baby. They tried, but to no avail. She got in vitro fertilization, and now they have twins on the way, due any day now. Is this something new? I mean, I've heard of people "shacking up" and whatnot, but choosing to have children as well, with the pre-determined understanding that there will be no marriage? Link to comment
metrogirl Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Some couples that have been together for a long time don't always want or need a marriage per se. I knew a couple that had been together almost 20 years and neither of them really cared about getting married. They were and still are perfectly content in their relationship. Link to comment
Seymore Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Right, hence my "shacking up" comment. I work with a lady who has lived with her boyfriend for probably 20 years. But where I find it odd is that my cousin and his girlfriend are actually choosing to have children together without any intention of marriage. I guess I just think of it like "I can handle the responsibility of a child, but not a marriage". So why one, but not the other? Link to comment
DN Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 It's getting fairly standard now - lots of couples are doing it. Link to comment
Up and Down Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 More common in Europe but its gaining popularity here. If you are not overtly religious I don't see why it matters. Link to comment
hers Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 My best friend and her now husband have been together 11 years. They have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. They got married just 6 months ago after 10 1/2 years of being together. Both of their kids were planned and very wanted. They have a loving and strong home and my best friend and her husband are great parents. They didn't care about getting married. They felt it no different raising their girls in a married home as opposed to a non-married home. They just feel that as long as there is love and commitment in the home, it's a good home for their girls. They finally got married for a reason I'm unsure of (not sure if there was a change in anything or something) but they just did a courthouse wedding. I don't think it matters much anymore the order it comes in. Better to be pregnant and not get married instead of getting married just b/c you're pregnant. Link to comment
sidehop Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 It's very common, my g/f and I are the same way, have a daughter together but marriage is not something we're considering any time soon. To us, you don't need to get married to be fully committed or be happy, we work on our relationship just as hard as we focus raising our daughter. Link to comment
Catdancer Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 My partner and I decided that we are not getting married. Then we got pregnant and everyone is like.."oh when's the wedding?" We're both like..never! We can have a home and raise our child without a piece of paper saying that we have to! Link to comment
Seymore Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Very interesting. For those involved (or who know someone involved) in such a relationship, why shun getting married? Is there a specific reason? I know the cynics would say "They want to keep their 'options' open" or "they can't face the commitment", but I'm just intrigued...is there some aspect of marriage that makes it a less appealing decision for you? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 When we started trying to have a baby (about two years ago) we decided we would marry before we had a baby. We had been planning on marriage but might have delayed it a bit because of geography (meaning probably would have married 6 months later than we did had I not been pregnant). We both believed and felt that, in addition to wanting to marry, it was in the best interests of the child to have two married parents. I am not judging anyone else's decision when I write that. Logical or not, it feels more secure to be married even though we've been serious about each other and committed for the last almost 4 years. I would have no fear of him leaving me or his child if we weren't married, it's just a really nice feeling to know we're all related either legally, by blood, or both. It does not feel like just a piece of paper and never did. I would have an issue with a couple deciding to have a child if they were not totally committed to each other (whether by marriage or otherwise). But, despite that, I wouldn't share my opinion unless asked (and even then) as long as the child is not being abused or neglected. Link to comment
Seymore Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Thanks Batya. I don't see judgment in your statement and I hope that nobody here would judge your opinion, as we all do what we believe is right and for various reasons. I've always felt that marriage would be best for me, and I'm not trying to judge anyone like my cousin, I am just trying to understand it better, why it works for them and what is the benefit. I'd ask him, but he doesn't speak any English, lol. Link to comment
PsychGirly Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I think it's perfectly fine as long as the children have loving & supportive parents. There are so many married couples now who aren't even "couples" anymore, but more like roomates, so the word "marriage" has kind of lost its meaning to me. I can't really say if it's wrong or right, but I think it's ok. Link to comment
hers Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 In the case on my friends, they just felt sort of like catdancer--they love each other and they love theri kids and their home is filled with love. That's all that mattered to them. Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 no way....I want to be married before I have kids....Not that theres anything wrong with those who do it the other way around, b/c I've had a miscarriage before with an ex and we weren't married, but if at all possible I want marriage and then kids. I couldn't imagine 'shacking up' for yrs and never getting married but having kids anyway... That just seems nuts to me. Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Why does does it seem nuts? ....in my opinion it would be soooo easy for the other person to just walk away... with marriage you said vows, in front of God, and though sadly divorce is pretty easy to do, its still not as simple as just walking away. I mean I know there's still child support and what not to be paid even if there's no marriage, but personally I think the couple may try a little harder to make it work or work through things if they're more then just boyfriend and girlfirend. But like I said its, just my opinion. That doesn't mean its what's right for everyone, just for me...for ME to start a family without getting married thats nuts. Link to comment
Catdancer Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Very interesting. For those involved (or who know someone involved) in such a relationship, why shun getting married? Is there a specific reason? I know the cynics would say "They want to keep their 'options' open" or "they can't face the commitment", but I'm just intrigued...is there some aspect of marriage that makes it a less appealing decision for you? My partner has poliitical and religious reasons for not getting married. It's never been important to me. I'd rather jump the broomstick for a year and a day anyway. NOTE: for us witches, jumping the broomstick is symbolically marrying someone for a year and a day! Link to comment
hers Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I don't see it as being too easy to walk away. Like I said for my friends, there's love and commitment even without the marriage license. It's more about love than for the legal side of it. Link to comment
Kaiser_Soze Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 My ex and I were together for a few years and had a son together before we got married. There was a ton of pressure from everyone to get married. We were completely happy the way things were. We did plan on spending our life together and that mutual feeling held more value than any ritual society deems neccesary to validate love. I am in the same situation now, with a child on the way. She's getting pressured for us to get married, its bs really, it makes her feel like she has to justify to her family why we are not getting married. We can be great parents without being married. Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I don't see it as being too easy to walk away. Like I said for my friends, there's love and commitment even without the marriage license. It's more about love than for the legal side of it. like I said, not for everyone. But I'm also Catholic, and I definitley am NOT by any means perfect, but when it comes to that I HAVE to get married before having children....my family would be beside themselves, and personally I'd be a little disappointed in myself as well. Link to comment
sidehop Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 but personally I think the couple may try a little harder to make it work or work through things if they're more then just boyfriend and girlfirend. Do people try because they don't want legal complications and later on possible financial issues tied? Or do they try because they want to be together whether they have a child(ren) or not? This is what I never understood about marriage in general. There are many couples that try to better their relationship on a daily basis whether they are married or not. While there are the complete opposites on both sides. The idea of 'marriage is a bigger commitment' has a big flaw. If you can't be committed in a current relationship I don't see how being married will make any difference. I'm trying to poke some fun but seriously, I hate Cinderella and all the 'together forever' stories that really glamorize marriage. I mean why, it takes so much work to make any relationship work, can I write "Cinderella - The True Story" with Cinderella getting full custody of her children and the Prince getting kicked out of the castle and paying 90% of his income in gold to his ex wife? And yes, I don't mean to offend anyone that see marriage as a sacred, one in a lifetime event, their dream and something they consider very special. One day my g/f and I will get married but we both know marriage is not going to change anything other than the town, state, the IRS and people around us recognize our status as a married couple. We want to be happy together whether we're married or not. Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 ^^^I don't disagree with anything you said here....but for me, marriage first then kids. And I plan to raise my children the same way. Link to comment
Seymore Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 So basically the explanation is "Why?" when I ask "Why not?", then...nothing more, nothing less? No specific reasons, just a personal preference? Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 So basically the explanation is "Why?" when I ask "Why not?", then...nothing more, nothing less? No specific reasons, just a personal preference? Personal preference then I guess. Link to comment
Seymore Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Ok, that's all I wanted to know. Best of luck to all, married or not! Link to comment
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